bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 So I have made it through a full workday without breaking down in tears. I have not contacted my H either! I know I deserve better and I know there is probably someone out there who would respect me and treat me right. Yet I can't just stop loving my H. However, I am finding that you can love someone but not be in love with them. It's time to concentrate on myself and make a life for my children and I that makes us happy. Wish me luck everyone! I'm determined to stay strong and move on!! Staying strong was the goal for a lot of us. But experience taught me that strong isn't necessary every second of the day and accepting what happens through each stage of recovery provides the best healing. Feel what you must, but have a plan. Be angry, cry, scream and then get up and make a move toward making that plan a reality.
jnj express Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 You got it right---do not let your H., manipulate you, either He now knows its serious, now you will see, how much he REALLY wants his mge.
Author mv6458 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Staying strong was the goal for a lot of us. But experience taught me that strong isn't necessary every second of the day and accepting what happens through each stage of recovery provides the best healing. Feel what you must, but have a plan. Be angry, cry, scream and then get up and make a move toward making that plan a reality. Best advice I have heard in a long time! Thanks. I do have my weak moments, believe me.
Author mv6458 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 You got it right---do not let your H., manipulate you, either He now knows its serious, now you will see, how much he REALLY wants his mge. I know that it is up to him now what he makes of the situation, but I will not allow him to manipulate me anymore! Now that he knows I am serious it is time to see how he reacts. But I didn't leave to make him beg me to come back. I left so I can start a life for myself and my children and if he somehow makes his way back into that life as a different person then he has been (while he was cheating) I may be able to forgive him completely. But in the meantime I am taking care of me and the kids and not concentrating on what he is doing. I haven't been able to do that in years!
jnj express Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 You should only allow him, a sniff, at returning, if he shows he truly loves you, and the kids, and not cuz he doesn't wanna become a single man, out there on his own You have to look at, and analyze, his intentions, and long term goals, for what he does---what are his reasons, for his future activities
2sunny Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 So to update all of you he absolutely freaked out about the call to the OW! And I realized he doesn't want to end his contact with her. So I left him today! This is going to be a hard night, but I know they will get easier. Guess he knows now that it's not a game to me! of course he did - he didn't want you to know his truth. glad you could see what is really happening - or at least part of it - so that you can change things that will make you happy. there's no way for you to be happy when he's giving his time and energy to someone outside the M... and for him to expect you to be happy that way is absurd. glad you found some of his truth. reconciliation doesn't usually include keeping that third person present in the M. now we know he lies... or at least we have evidence of his lies - and his willingness to be selfish at your expense. that is not loving behavior. So I have made it through a full workday without breaking down in tears. I have not contacted my H either! I know I deserve better and I know there is probably someone out there who would respect me and treat me right. Yet I can't just stop loving my H. However, I am finding that you can love someone but not be in love with them. It's time to concentrate on myself and make a life for my children and I that makes us happy. Wish me luck everyone! I'm determined to stay strong and move on!! good! stay strong. sending positive energy to you! I know that it is up to him now what he makes of the situation, but I will not allow him to manipulate me anymore! Now that he knows I am serious it is time to see how he reacts. But I didn't leave to make him beg me to come back. I left so I can start a life for myself and my children and if he somehow makes his way back into that life as a different person then he has been (while he was cheating) I may be able to forgive him completely. But in the meantime I am taking care of me and the kids and not concentrating on what he is doing. I haven't been able to do that in years! well - we train people how to treat us. this new boundary will send him a clear message that you don't intend to live with him while he continues to betray you. good for you! until he changes it all - and starts to DO the work HE needs to DO to repair the damage he has caused - you don't need to spend time and energy focused on him... focus that on healing yourself! get busy living and being happy all on your own!
Memphis Raines Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 So to update all of you he absolutely freaked out about the call to the OW! And I realized he doesn't want to end his contact with her. So I left him today! This is going to be a hard night, but I know they will get easier. Guess he knows now that it's not a game to me! Good for you. I told you that would be the litmus test, and he failed it.
Author mv6458 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Today I am totally confused! My H and I split five days ago and have not had any significant contact since (just logistics about our kids & property.) But last night we were at our daughter's school for an event and he asked the kids and I to go to dinner afterward. I did because my kids have not seen him since the split & I thought it would be best not to say no. We did not really talk at all during the dinner. But afterward when he was telling the kids goodbye he told me he loved me and wants me to come home. Ok, I understand he is getting lonely now and all that. And of course I am not going home. But I fully expected that to be followed with some contact today from him. Like maybe an apology or something? Anyway, he has not attempted to contact me at all and I am just really confused by his actions. Please give me some insight from past experience!
bentnotbroken Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Today I am totally confused! My H and I split five days ago and have not had any significant contact since (just logistics about our kids & property.) But last night we were at our daughter's school for an event and he asked the kids and I to go to dinner afterward. I did because my kids have not seen him since the split & I thought it would be best not to say no. We did not really talk at all during the dinner. But afterward when he was telling the kids goodbye he told me he loved me and wants me to come home. Ok, I understand he is getting lonely now and all that. And of course I am not going home. But I fully expected that to be followed with some contact today from him. Like maybe an apology or something? Anyway, he has not attempted to contact me at all and I am just really confused by his actions. Please give me some insight from past experience! It's called trying to suck you back in without; a) facing and acknowledging his actions b)taking responsibility for his poor choices c)apologizing and showing true remorse If he can get you back, he will be able to minimize and rug sweep. If he can schmooze you he believes he can get you "over it" rather quickly. If you don't do it his way, he will resort to name calling and blame shifting(you are responsible for hurting the children, not him) or my personal favorite, "you are breaking up our family."
keepsmilin74 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You fully expected him to apologize? Not sure you have literally spelled out to him what you need him to do. He doesn't seem to have much of a clue. Tell him he has to read up on marriage builders for a start. Don't go back till he has learned something or you'll just be packing again in a week.
Spark1111 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Today I am totally confused! My H and I split five days ago and have not had any significant contact since (just logistics about our kids & property.) But last night we were at our daughter's school for an event and he asked the kids and I to go to dinner afterward. I did because my kids have not seen him since the split & I thought it would be best not to say no. We did not really talk at all during the dinner. But afterward when he was telling the kids goodbye he told me he loved me and wants me to come home. Ok, I understand he is getting lonely now and all that. And of course I am not going home. But I fully expected that to be followed with some contact today from him. Like maybe an apology or something? Anyway, he has not attempted to contact me at all and I am just really confused by his actions. Please give me some insight from past experience! Read up on doing the 180. Be polite but firm. Have fun! Act like you can and will build a full life without him and then do it! Next time tell him he can take the kids to dinner but you have plans. Bring them back by 9:30, etc. When he starts to talk of "us" shut it down with, "Oh no! I could never be married to man that spends more time talking and texting another woman than his own wife! That's an emotional affair. I asked you to stop but you did not. You do not respect me so I have to move on now. I deserve and want a man who texts and talks to me all day long. A nice guy who thinks I am the best thing in the world. Who pays attention to me like you do X, and I think I will find that. If I don't, then I'd rather be alone or dating than to be with you as you chase X all day long. That hurts me too much as I really loved you at one time. But I apparently cannot change you and can't get what I need from you since she appears to be more important to you than I am. Bye, gotta go. If he starts to guilt you about family, assure him he will always be the father of his children and you will support that. But for you, you want and deserve a loving respectful relationship with a man devoted to only you. Wish him well. Wish him happiness. But gotta go now. Buh bye. You did not hear from him today because he was speaking with her about his situation, and you.This will be the flip-flopping and will continue for awhile. Don't think about it. Focus on you and your kids and your life and your future. Get busy. Stay strong.
mzdolphin Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sorry you're going through this, but this guy sounds like a primo prick. Take care of yourself and your kids. You'd think if he really cared he would have had the guts to make that call if nothing more than to appease you. Many a guy would have made that call to save the marriage, even if they wanted to go begging and pleading back to the OW later. Him not making that call is grounds for divorce to me.
wannabdone Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Hi Mv... I am sorry for what you are going through. I am an xOW, and have had my xMM's W contact me multiple times. There has also been times she has made him call me, there have been times he refused to. And each time, after the dust settles, he always comes back....talking me into starting this up again. Giving me the line of his W manipulated him, etc etc. And unfortunately, I bought it each time. I very much loved this man. No matter what you make him do or don't, if he's going to do it, he's going to do it. I know they always say its the OW who hunts him down, etc. etc. But I can tell you in most cases, it isn't. So, go with your gut. Don't listen to his words, "listen" to his actions. That will tell you what is real and what isn't. Also, if you keep thinking about contacting the OW, know that he has probably already told her this and prepared her on what to say and not to say. Good luck, and I'm very sorry for what you are going through.
Woman In Blue Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 But afterward when he was telling the kids goodbye he told me he loved me and wants me to come home. Ok, I understand he is getting lonely now and all that. Let me guess - he's run out of toilet paper and needs you to go food shopping. He's also tired of TV dinners every night. Most men just a need a mommy around to wipe their asses for them. Too bad for him. Let him struggle. But I am curious - what reason does Daddy of the Year give for NOT showing any desire to spend time with his OWN kids for the last 5 days???? Does he think his lame attendance at a 2-hour school event is sufficient? Is he that busy enjoying single life that he can't give up one lousy night to act like a parent and spend time with his kids? What a douche. And of course I am not going home. But I fully expected that to be followed with some contact today from him. Like maybe an apology or something? Anyway, he has not attempted to contact me at all and I am just really confused by his actions. Please give me some insight from past experience! You'll probably hear from the jack-hole when he NEEDS something - help with how to do his laundry or wanting to know where you keep the bank deposit slips, etc. etc. It sounds as though his feeble request for you to come home was fueled by the feeling of family the night he was at the school with you all. Once he drove home, he went back to being the a*sshole he's been for a while, now. No big surprise. Time to lawyer up and find out what your rights are. Since he wants to be single and a lying cheater, it's time to start getting child support from him. God KNOWS he can't be bothered seeing the kids because it interrupts with his bachelor life, but he's still financially responsible for them.
NoIDidn't Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 OP, your life apparently IS a game to him. He thinks all he has to do is say the right things to you and you will let him come running back. Don't be fooled. You want to know what the deal is? Call the OW. Ask her for her truth. Find out when the last time was that she spoke with your husband. Don't tell her why, don't offer her anything other than your questions, and be polite. When he won't talk, usually she will.
SummerLady Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Ok so now my husband and I are at a point in our reconciliation he has opened up to me a little and I know that the OW has not been told to stop contact with him. I have given him plenty of time to do this on his own and will not sit around and wait for him to do it any longer. I am going to contact her myself! I do not intend to be argumentative with her, I just want to make it clear I do not appreciate her contacting my husband and he and I are trying to reconcile so she needs to step back. Any help on how to approach this? I think you are curious and want to talk to her. Nothing wrong with that. I did the same with my ex's girlfriend. What I did was find out many things he would never tell me. Heck she knew stuff about my family. She gave me what I wanted. Information to make an educated decision. After talking to her I decided to end the marriage. I am so happy I called. She gave me all I needed to move on. Do what you want. Just don't close your eyes after you hear what the scoop is. Good luck.
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