mv6458 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Ok so now my husband and I are at a point in our reconciliation he has opened up to me a little and I know that the OW has not been told to stop contact with him. I have given him plenty of time to do this on his own and will not sit around and wait for him to do it any longer. I am going to contact her myself! I do not intend to be argumentative with her, I just want to make it clear I do not appreciate her contacting my husband and he and I are trying to reconcile so she needs to step back. Any help on how to approach this?
Owl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 OK...are you divorcing or reconciling? Last update I'd seen on your original thread, I was thinking you were divorcing. If you're reconciling...HE needs to be the one to end the affair, to shoulder the "work" of rebuilding the marriage. If he's not willing to end it with OW...he's not truly willing to reconcile. Rather than you contact her...you should set a boundary with him. If you want me to remain in your life...YOU need to break things off with OW, clearly, completely, and with me directly involved so that I can see and participate with you to make it happen. If he's not willing...you're not truly reconciling.
no expectations Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Ok so now my husband and I are at a point in our reconciliation he has opened up to me a little and I know that the OW has not been told to stop contact with him. I have given him plenty of time to do this on his own and will not sit around and wait for him to do it any longer. I am going to contact her myself! I do not intend to be argumentative with her, I just want to make it clear I do not appreciate her contacting my husband and he and I are trying to reconcile so she needs to step back. Any help on how to approach this? The OW already knows you don't appreciate her contacting her husband. I would bet she doesn't believe there is much validity to your reconciliation since he hasn't put a stop to the contact. You could call her 100 times and she's not going to start to believe it until it comes from him. I was contacted by the BS and given the same message...leave him alone...he wants to be here, not with you...you've been kicked to the curb, etc. He called within minutes to tell me to ignore everything she said. It wasn't until it came out of his mouth straight to my ear that I began to believe it.
bentnotbroken Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 You contacting her says what about him putting a stop to it? If he started the affair he should be the one to end it. Otherwise he is using you to do his dirty work or he isn't done with her. Beware.
PhoenixRise Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 If your husband is unwilling to clearly and completely end things and go NC with the OW, your phone calls to her will be worthless. It needs to come from him. SHE is not the problem. The fact that your husband won't create and enforce a firm boundary is. He can't be her friend. They can't stay in touch. Not if he wants to stay married to you. Again. For the health of your marriage, NC must come from your husband.
Author mv6458 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 OK...are you divorcing or reconciling? Last update I'd seen on your original thread, I was thinking you were divorcing. If you're reconciling...HE needs to be the one to end the affair, to shoulder the "work" of rebuilding the marriage. If he's not willing to end it with OW...he's not truly willing to reconcile. Rather than you contact her...you should set a boundary with him. If you want me to remain in your life...YOU need to break things off with OW, clearly, completely, and with me directly involved so that I can see and participate with you to make it happen. If he's not willing...you're not truly reconciling. Owl, sorry to confuse you. We are trying reconciliation but he has not been doing much work towards that as far as I am concerned and I am trying to step things up a bit. So I have told him I do not want to argue or accuse I want to talk about what he is willing to do to make this right with me. And basically he says I am treating him like a kid by demanding he do things to be transparent. I don't accept that excuse one bit! He told me months ago that he told the OW I saw the phone records and got upset and he told her not to call him anymore. However, she did call him on a few occasions afterward. I have been asking questions since and every time I do he gets angry and turns the argument into a bashing session on me. When he does that I just quit saying anything to him. Well that is not helping me recover as you can imagine. So the last post was after I approached him and he told me a few details about the EA. That should bring you a little more up to speed.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 How can you "reconcile" when your husband obviously hasn't ended things with the OW? It's not your responsibility to end things there, it's his.
Memphis Raines Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Ok so now my husband and I are at a point in our reconciliation he has opened up to me a little and I know that the OW has not been told to stop contact with him. I have given him plenty of time to do this on his own and will not sit around and wait for him to do it any longer. you shouldn't have had to wait at all. The day he decided to reconciled should have been the day the OW was told to take a long walk. I am going to contact her myself! I do not intend to be argumentative with her, I just want to make it clear I do not appreciate her contacting my husband and he and I are trying to reconcile so she needs to step back. Any help on how to approach this? good idea, but then again, why bother if your husband isn't going to do it? He obviously doesn't want to, therefore why is he bothering to reconcile. you do know there are bette men out there for you? but if you do contact the OW, please let us know how the huss reacted.
stillafool Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 How can you "reconcile" when your husband obviously hasn't ended things with the OW? It's not your responsibility to end things there, it's his. I agree. Your husband has to be the one to do the work to make this up to you. He has to be happy to call the OW and tell her to back off. If you call her it has no impact or she will just think "mommy won't let him come out and play but he wants to." Make him stop it or else that's it!
Owl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Owl, sorry to confuse you. We are trying reconciliation but he has not been doing much work towards that as far as I am concerned and I am trying to step things up a bit. So I have told him I do not want to argue or accuse I want to talk about what he is willing to do to make this right with me. And basically he says I am treating him like a kid by demanding he do things to be transparent. I don't accept that excuse one bit! He told me months ago that he told the OW I saw the phone records and got upset and he told her not to call him anymore. However, she did call him on a few occasions afterward. I have been asking questions since and every time I do he gets angry and turns the argument into a bashing session on me. When he does that I just quit saying anything to him. Well that is not helping me recover as you can imagine. So the last post was after I approached him and he told me a few details about the EA. That should bring you a little more up to speed. Thanks for the update, MVS. I appreciate it. With that said, I'll say honestly I still don't believe there's any value in you pushing this with OW. You need to push it with your H. He needs to suffer consequences for his attempts at turning this back onto you. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to understand that you're not going to just act like it never happened...the whole situation needs to be DEALT WITH...and that's going to take a lot of work and effort and time on both of your parts to accomplish. If he's not willing...reconciliation is impossible.
KathyM Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I suggest you have your husband call the OW in your presence and tell her that the affair is over, and she is never to contact him again. Then have your husband change his cell phone number and Email address so she can't contact him. If you get any indication that he is still contacting her, then the reconciliation is a sham, and you'd be better off leaving him.
Mimolicious Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I agree. Your husband has to be the one to do the work to make this up to you. He has to be happy to call the OW and tell her to back off. If you call her it has no impact or she will just think "mommy won't let him come out and play but he wants to." Make him stop it or else that's it! That will also be exactly the excuse he will use next time he wants to see her or call her too. He can basically pin it on you the fact that he cut her off. Best of luck in your reconciliation process, it's a tough road to walk. If your H hasn't done this already, you may want to really find out why.
Memphis Raines Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I suggest you have your husband call the OW in your presence and tell her that the affair is over, and she is never to contact him again. Then have your husband change his cell phone number and Email address so she can't contact him. If you get any indication that he is still contacting her, then the reconciliation is a sham, and you'd be better off leaving him. I second this. Very good advice and the LEAST which your husband needs to do. If he is reluctant to do this, then just have him served with papers because he doesn't want to cut contact.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I second this. Very good advice and the LEAST which your husband needs to do. If he is reluctant to do this, then just have him served with papers because he doesn't want to cut contact. From the way the OP states she's "given him plenty of time to do this"... I'd presume he's BEEN reluctant already.
SidLyon Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Ok so now my husband and I are at a point in our reconciliation he has opened up to me a little and I know that the OW has not been told to stop contact with him. I have given him plenty of time to do this on his own and will not sit around and wait for him to do it any longer. I am going to contact her myself! I do not intend to be argumentative with her, I just want to make it clear I do not appreciate her contacting my husband and he and I are trying to reconcile so she needs to step back. Any help on how to approach this? As a BW myself I have to echo the virtually universal advice that's been given to you so far. Your H must be the one to tell her NC, otherwise it's meaningless for both her and you. I did contact the OW after d-day but not to tell her to leave my H alone. It was more for closure on my part and to see what she was like, and a few other things as well, but certainly not to enforce or reinforce NC. After d-day you can probably expect a few NC hiccups and failures but if it goes on too long then really you're not successfully reconciling at all. Sorry to tell you this. How long is it since d-day? Have you seen a counselor? If so your counselor should probably have discussed with him that he must be the one to end it with the OW and keep reinforcing it if necessary, and of course tell you about it every time. At one time the OW contacted my fWH wanting to meet with him. He declined and told her he would be telling me about her contact. She practically begged him not to, but of course he did. She never contacted him again after that.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Honey, you still want to be his friend and support him through the whole thing while having it handled your way. MM will not do that. Clearly he is using the "little kid" angle. You need to give him the adult consequences. Leave him 100% alone, move and all or ask him to leave and then show him what conditions need to be satisfied before he can come back in the game. He is the dumb dumb type that isn't going to get it until he SEES and EXPERIENCES the consequences. I know, I married a dumb dumb too.
2sunny Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 here's the evidence - IF he wanted to - he would have. since he hasn't (AND lied to YOU about it ) he doesn't intend to end it with her. you have choices... and one of those choices is to demand that he leave! YOU making him comfortable and cozy there is only helping him continue being a cake eater. quit handing him all that power! it's time he learn some consequences to him wanting a wife and a girlfriend at the same time! that is what a solid, healthy boundary would look like for YOU! btw - there is no "try" you either DO or DO NOT... doesn't look at all like your husband is making any effort to DO his part!
mzdolphin Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 How can you even began to reconcile if he can't end things with this woman. If anything? This says more about his feelings for her than it does about his feelings for you.
Memphis Raines Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 From the way the OP states she's "given him plenty of time to do this"... I'd presume he's BEEN reluctant already. I agree. But this will be the test for her. If he reluctantly does it or refuses, then there is her closure to the answer of whether she should try to keep this marriage. If he does it without a fight and there is no reluctance, then she may be able to keep him. But my guess is he won't want to call OW while she is sitting right there. He doesn't want it to end forever. If I were OP, I'd just divorce him and take half the s*** with her.
Author mv6458 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 I agree. But this will be the test for her. If he reluctantly does it or refuses, then there is her closure to the answer of whether she should try to keep this marriage. If he does it without a fight and there is no reluctance, then she may be able to keep him. But my guess is he won't want to call OW while she is sitting right there. He doesn't want it to end forever. If I were OP, I'd just divorce him and take half the s*** with her. So to update all of you he absolutely freaked out about the call to the OW! And I realized he doesn't want to end his contact with her. So I left him today! This is going to be a hard night, but I know they will get easier. Guess he knows now that it's not a game to me!
bentnotbroken Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 So to update all of you he absolutely freaked out about the call to the OW! And I realized he doesn't want to end his contact with her. So I left him today! This is going to be a hard night, but I know they will get easier. Guess he knows now that it's not a game to me! Your life is NOT a game. He has to want to be with you enough to do whatever it takes. Sitting on the fence just makes the place where his balls should be sore. But then again, I guess you knocked him right off that fence. Stay strong, it will be a rough ride.
Spark1111 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 So to update all of you he absolutely freaked out about the call to the OW! And I realized he doesn't want to end his contact with her. So I left him today! This is going to be a hard night, but I know they will get easier. Guess he knows now that it's not a game to me! Good luck to you! Only when actions meet with consequences do some people actually "get it." Stay strong.
Lostinlife4now Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 So to update all of you he absolutely freaked out about the call to the OW! And I realized he doesn't want to end his contact with her. So I left him today! This is going to be a hard night, but I know they will get easier. Guess he knows now that it's not a game to me! Ouch! Feeling for you mv6458! But now at least you know! If he wanted to save his M he would have kicked the OW to the curb! Hang in there, we are all here for you........you don't deserve to be with a man like this...there will be a wonderful man coming your way someday. I can feel it....... I ended things with MM BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE.......His W didn't deserve what he did to her and I told him that MANY of times..... but xMM has a very cavalier attitude about his W and Marriage....and there is a little part of me that wants W to find out so she knows she is married to a liar and a manipulator....Maybe someday she will.
Author mv6458 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 So I have made it through a full workday without breaking down in tears. I have not contacted my H either! I know I deserve better and I know there is probably someone out there who would respect me and treat me right. Yet I can't just stop loving my H. However, I am finding that you can love someone but not be in love with them. It's time to concentrate on myself and make a life for my children and I that makes us happy. Wish me luck everyone! I'm determined to stay strong and move on!!
Owl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Just a thought...there is a divorce section here on LS that might be able to help you work through all of this.
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