The hardest thing is not knowing why

[DarkPrince]

I think the hardest thing to cope with after being cheated on, is not knowing why they did it, and in my case, and probably many others, I feel that I will never know the true reason. Even though Ive forgiven and moved on, the times that it does come back to haunt me, it i always the question of 'why' she did it. Unfortunately I will never know.

I would like to know what was going through her head when she finally decided to give it up to him. What was she thinking about? Did she think about me?

I know Ill never truly know, and I dont spend alot of time fretting on it, but it is something that bothers me from time to time.

 

Just having a bad day, and because of that bad thoughts have been creeping into my head.

[KathyM]

I think the hardest thing to cope with after being cheated on, is not knowing why they did it, and in my case, and probably many others, I feel that I will never know the true reason. Even though Ive forgiven and moved on, the times that it does come back to haunt me, it i always the question of 'why' she did it. Unfortunately I will never know.

I would like to know what was going through her head when she finally decided to give it up to him. What was she thinking about? Did she think about me?

I know Ill never truly know, and I dont spend alot of time fretting on it, but it is something that bothers me from time to time.

 

Just having a bad day, and because of that bad thoughts have been creeping into my head.

You don't say if you're married or not. That would determine why she cheated. If you were not married, she probably cheated because she doesn't feel committed to you, and feels free to explore her options. If you were married, she probably cheated because she's angry/upset/emotionally estranged from you. Or she's one of those that think she's entitled to do whatever she wants, and doesn't care who it hurts in the process. I doubt she was thinking about you at the time, in any case. Cheaters tend to block out any guilt or thoughts of the betrayed partner, and only think of what they themselves want at the time.

[Bobby2010]

Over two years later and I still don't know why. Best not to dwell on it, and accept that you'll never know why.

[Bryanp]

Cheaters cheat because they can. They are selfish and are morally neutral and figure what you don't know will not hurt you. It is all about them and their own pleasure.

[Chinook]

I would like to know what was going through her head when she finally decided to give it up to him. What was she thinking about?

Honestly...? You really don't want to know or need to know what she was thinking... think about it. Think about what she was about to do. She wasn't thinking about any thing which was going to stop her put it that way.

 

Did she think about me? I know I'll never truly know, and I dont spend alot of time fretting on it, but it is something that bothers me from time to time.

Nope, she definitely didn't think about you. If she did and she cared, she wouldn't have done it. Period. Secondly, she wasn't thinking about herself after the event either because she would have known that she'd feel guilt and self-loathing (they do for a short while). She didn't think about the damage it would do to her self-respect and dignity. So nope, she wasn't thinking about that or you at all. What she was thinking about as I already said, you don't need to know - it will hurt you.

 

Just having a bad day, and because of that bad thoughts have been creeping into my head.

They're normal and it's normal to have a dip occasionally. But I'm glad you're here and now dwelling on it alone

[speedster]

why? because:

 

1) you didn't matter

2) she felt like it

3) what she was doing was more important than you.

[Cypress2]

Dark,

 

I'm sorry for your situation. I don't know why she did it. And, you may never know, but the list below may help you guess.

 

Kirshenbaum a well known psychotherapist lists 17 different types of affairs. As a betrayed spouse I found her book to be almost pro-affair, offensive and painful to read. But I still learned a few things

Break out into selfhood

“For a long time there are forces in your life that have opposed your being yourself, expressing yourself.

The affair is the best way you knew how to stand up for who you are.

Accidental

“You weren’t looking for it … but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Sexual panic

“You feel your sexual powers are waning and in a kind of panic, you have an affair to prove you’re still as sexually able as you were.”

Let’s kill this relationship (and see if it comes back to life)

“The idea is that once an affair is discovered it will deliver a blow that will either kill your relationship or make it stronger.”

Mid-marriage crisis

“Without time and attention marriages get stale or feel full of problems, so … you have an affair.”

Trading up

“You’ve moved ahead in life but your spouse has stayed behind. Having an affair is your way of being with someone you think better matches your circumstances.”

Heating up your marriage

“Unconsciously, you’re hoping that the affair itself or your spouse finding out about it will make things more passionate…”

I just needed to indulge myself

“It may not be noble, but the fact is that you’ve been working so hard that an affair is the best way you know how to give yourself some pleasure.”

Ejector seat

“You want out of your marriage but you’re afraid to just quit, so you’re hoping that an affair will end things for you – either your spouse will kick you out or your lover will give you the courage to quit.”

See if

“You’re in a see-if affair if your motive is to see if what you’ve been missing in your marriage can be gotten with someone else and, if so, does it make as much of a difference as you’d thought.”

Distraction

“Things are hard, frustrating, confusing in your life, and an affair is a way to distract yourself from all these difficulties by creating a kind of oasis of romance.”

Surrogate therapy

"You need help of some sort – maybe boosting your self-esteem – and an affair is your way of getting it.”

Do I still have it?

“You are getting older, your marriage is stale, and you wonder if you still can attract someone, get them to fall in love with you, and carry on a passionate affair.”

Having experiences I missed out on

“You weren’t in many relationships before you got married and now you feel there are experiences that are important to you that you missed out on …”

Revenge

“You’re furious at your spouse for some way he or she hurt you, and you’re having an affair as a way to get back, even if your spouse never learns about the affair.”

Mid-life crisis

“These are rare because true mid-life crises are rare. What people think of as this can be explained by one of the others, such as the surrogate therapy or the mid-marriage-crisis affair.”

Unmet needs

“Whatever it is you need, you’re not getting it from your partner. An affair is your way of getting those needs met.”

I hope you can read this in the light it was intended.

Cypress2

Edited August 29, 2011 by Cypress2

[Meatballsmom]

Dark

 

Having read your posts, I think you know part of the reason.

 

Probably similar to the reason that you had several EA's

[Silent Heart Song]

I think the hardest thing to cope with after being cheated on, is not knowing why they did it

 

 

I'm sorry your having a bad day. The why question is quite tormenting.

 

When someone does something, they are always in that moment doing what is "best" for them. Unfortunately in the moment, what was in her best interest wasn't you. She was selfish. When affairs happen, I believe there is always a series of events where someone could prevent or stop it from happening, it doesn't "just happen."

 

That doesn't mean that she is the same person now, and would make the same decision again. Hopefully she has learned from her mistake and is working to correct her behavior, but it still hurts to know that there was a time when she didn't choose you.

[DarkPrince]

yeah i hate ti so much, because its probably the single most hurtful thing thats ever happened to me in my adult life, but Ive learned alot form it. Alot about myself, my wife, and other people.

I think I know why she let it happen. and there were a ton of opportunities she or I could have stopped it form happening but didnt. i had a feeling something was going on, but chose not to act on those feelings. Its a choice I regret every day. I learned from that to always trust my instincts. I wish it never happened , but then I wouldnt know what I know now.

My biggest fear is bumping into this guy at a store or something and killing him. I dont think i would have the self control to walk away and that scares me. He knew what he was doing, and purposely got her **** faced drunk. I want to destroy that guy more than Ive ever wanted to do anything before. He met a women and is now happily married. It burns me that he is happy with his marriage. I blame him more than my wife. If he didnt deliberately set out to have sex with my wife at any cost, knowing she was happily married, then I would say my wife was just being a slut, and he was just a normal guy wanting sex.

Ive never felt this kind of hatred for anyone in my life. I dont want to even type down what I want to do to him because I would prob get banned.

I saw the signs. I saw the way he looked at her. If it was now I would bust every tooth of that **** eating grin of his down his throat. But back then I let it go, and gave him and her the benefit of the doubt. She wouldnt have had sex with him if he didnt do everything in his power to make it happen. He went way too far. He tried to break up a family just so he could bust a nut in my wife. I wish the worst for him and his family. I hope his family gets destroyed. I hope something horrible happens to him or his family for which they can never recover.

I love my wife, and I should have been there to stop him from pursuing her so hard. I think that the fact that I acted like everything was ok, lead her to believe the guy was not a threat. So she let her guard down with him. I wish I could go back and stop it. It messes with my head all the time some days.

[FeelingSmall]

I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. I have in the past week had it happen to me. the pain was/is unbearable.

 

I wish I had answers to the question of why. I also ask myself that every five minutes. The only thing that's kept me from going insane is to tell myself that to him I wasn't worth it BUT, to someone else I will be. It doesn't make me feel tremendously better however it does help me stay away from him.

 

You're worth FAR more than this, don't let it tear you apart. It's hard and it hurts but I figure in the end we can be stronger for the experience, smarter and wiser.

 

As far as he goes... I've been tempted to contact the other woman but, in the end it was HIS decision to do what he did. Just as it was your wifes. Is he scummy? Yes but, ultimately I see giving in to those urges as letting them win even more. They knew what they were doing and don't care about us. Why let them know they won our SO's AND destroyed us?

 

Good luck, I'm really feeling for you.

[DarkPrince]

another thing is that the guy was such a nasty, fat, drunk, loser. He had no redeeming qualities, and no other women gave him the time of day. Yet my wife let him **** her w/o a condom. That hurts me the most is that she was the only women who was willing to destroy her family so some smelly scumbag coule get his rocks off.

She has no self esteem. She is the biggest pushover ever. She lets everyone boss her around. No one respects her, they just use her.

She is better now that she started working out and gaining self respect, but all those years of being everyone's doormat, yet treating her own family like 2nd class citizens is hard to forgive sometimes.

She let that guy have sex with her becuase she was afraid to say no. She was afraid he would dissaprove of her. Thats the real reason she did it. Thats why I am so mad about it.

I would have rather her have sex with some stud who rocked her world. At least I could process why it happened, but to do it just becuase she didnt want to dissapoint the guy?? What kind of person thinks like that?

I know she didnt enjoy the sex, because she never did it sober. She had to get drunk, and my wife hates being drunk because she cant feel the sex. The only reason she got drunk is because she didnt want to feel it. She just wanted to make the guy happy and not have to feel it. Why was making the loser happy so important to her?? Why was she like that?

She's much better now, but still will let others run her if I dont step in and end it. Whats it going to take for her to grow a spine and stand up for herself and her family?? Why is it always me that has to do it?

 

edit:She's like the girl in High School who will do anything to get approved by the cool girls and cool guys. She'd be the type to let the whole football team run a train on her if they said it would make her cool.

But she's in her mid 40's and still acts like this!!! In her 30's it was pathetic beyond words. I would watch her kiss everyone's ass and want to vomit. It was disguisting. And they all had 1 thing in common. They were all drugie/drunk losers. I dont get why she feels the need to seek their approval at any cost. She better now, but only because she doesnt hang around any of those types becuase of our fitness lifestyle. But she doesnt act like that with any of our gym friends. She acts normal. She doesnt kiss their ass. So why does/did she do it with the losers??

Edited September 18, 2011 by DarkPrince

[Bryanp]

This is so sad. I don't know how you have been able to stay with such a spouse. I feel the pain in your post. You deserve so much better. How very very sad. Do you think your wife would have continued in this type of behavior if she knew that you would have automatically divorced her if she cheated on you? Do you think that she felt that you would forgive her no matter what she did to you and your family? It is interesting that she had no respect for herself and also had no respect for you? Why is that?

[DarkPrince]

This is so sad. I don't know how you have been able to stay with such a spouse. I feel the pain in your post. You deserve so much better. How very very sad. Do you think your wife would have continued in this type of behavior if she knew that you would have automatically divorced her if she cheated on you? Do you think that she felt that you would forgive her no matter what she did to you and your family? It is interesting that she had no respect for herself and also had no respect for you? Why is that?

 

I dont know. I struggle to figure that out everyday. Yet she had all the respect on the world for the people that didnt deserve any respect. The druggies, the drunks, the weirdos. And since they were not used to getting that kind of respect from anybody, they ate it up like crazy. They went bonkers using her.

They would have her doing their laundry, watching their kids, driving them all around town, with her gas, cleaning their houses. It was ridiculous. And Im not exaggerating. We got into so many fights because of it.

Yet the moment she decided she needed time for herself and her family, they would turn on her and become her enemy. We even had 2 women, who called DCF on us and made up a tone of allegations to get back at her for not being their girl slave anymore. It really got out of control at one point.

I thought I could trust her with guys esp if they were married, but I didnt know that if they asked for a piece of ass, the felt she was obliged to give it to them. I really couldnt have imagined that she had that kind of mindset.

I still dont trust her with guys. And it sucks because the guy could be the biggest loser in the world, yet I have to worry about my wife having sex with him because she felt like he wanted it. Most guys can tell what type of guys they have to watch around their wives. With me, it's any guy with a dick.

I think she's alot better than she was years ago, but Im not willing to take that chance. I refuse to let her be alone with any guy. It seems like the only guys she wont have sex with are the winners. The hot guys, the successful guys. She wont even talk to them. She is the complete opposite of most women. But if a homeless crackhead strikes up a convo with her, I have to pry her away. Its embarrassing, and humiliating, and she wont tell me why she does this.

I know at some point she's going to be alone with guys. When Im working again she'll have plenty of time, and there are plenty of loser guys in our complex.

Ive decided Im going to buy a nanny cam. One of those really expensive ones that can even see in the dark, and automatically record onto the net. Motion sensored and everything. This way I can see once and for all if I can trust her. If she has truly changed her ways, or if she never will. Then I can leave her and move on.

Its just wierd that if a nice, good looking guy comes along, she barely says hi, but if the fat smelly plumber comes around she practically falls all over him. Yet she says she likes thin tall, muscular guys. My mind is blown.

[Bryanp]

What an unbelievable story. I do hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's. Seriously you are one in a million. I do not know how any man could be with such a woman. You have to protect her from fat smelly men since she feels obligated to have sex with nothing but losers. She is so seriously mentally damaged. The fact that you have to live in fear if she is alone with such losers would make your life a living hell. She sounds so self destructive that it is doubtful she can ever save herself from herself. The fact that she says she does not know why she does this means that you are in for a continuous world of hurt. If the roles were reversed wouldn't it make her sick to her stomach knowing that she would be married to such a man? This is just so humiliating to you. It is just awful.

[country_gurl]

I've read your various posts Dark Prince (I'd encourage anyone who hasn't to do so) and I seriously think you both need professional help. I feel incredibly sorry for your AUTISTIC CHILD who is in such a dysfunctional home environment. One day you're posting before and after pics of you and your wife since you both lost weight/got in shape, then the next you're posting big long dramatic posts about how horribly abusive she is to you........then you're claiming that you're her trainer and she's just taking "supplements" for body building events that "make her aggressive" (steroids??)...which obvious would explain her aggression though for some reason you felt it necessary to leave particular pertinent piece of info out when making yourself out to be the poor abused victim/husband...........now you're trashing her big time. Where is your poor handicapped son in all of this? Who is caring for him???????????????

[DarkPrince]

I've read your various posts Dark Prince (I'd encourage anyone who hasn't to do so) and I seriously think you both need professional help. I feel incredibly sorry for your AUTISTIC CHILD who is in such a dysfunctional home environment. One day you're posting before and after pics of you and your wife since you both lost weight/got in shape, then the next you're posting big long dramatic posts about how horribly abusive she is to you........then you're claiming that you're her trainer and she's just taking "supplements" for body building events that "make her aggressive" (steroids??)...which obvious would explain her aggression though for some reason you felt it necessary to leave particular pertinent piece of info out when making yourself out to be the poor abused victim/husband...........now you're trashing her big time. Where is your poor handicapped son in all of this? Who is caring for him???????????????

 

Please get out of my thread. Im venting. I think Im allowed to to that on this board. Im sorry if You dont like it. Dont read it and dont post in my threads then.

 

Edit: most of what Im venting about happened years and years ago. Way before we changed our lives. Ive just never gotten alot of it off my chest, and alot of it just took me a long time to put together in my head. I still like to type these things out as they come to me because it helps me realize things I might not have otherwise.

 

If you put the things in chronological order they make sense. Your just reading my threads and thinking that this is all happening at once, when in fact its been over the span of a decade. She's not sleeping with plumbers now. (I only have proof of 1 affair anyhow) We're living a great life, but I need to come to terms with things I have issues with from back then. Its healthy for me to talk it out, and to have closure. Even if if was years ago.

Edited September 18, 2011 by DarkPrince

[Lucky_One]

I still dont trust her with guys. And it sucks because the guy could be the biggest loser in the world, yet I have to worry about my wife having sex with him because she felt like he wanted it. Most guys can tell what type of guys they have to watch around their wives. With me, it's any guy with a dick.

 

I think she's alot better than she was years ago, but Im not willing to take that chance. I refuse to let her be alone with any guy. It seems like the only guys she wont have sex with are the winners. The hot guys, the successful guys. She wont even talk to them. She is the complete opposite of most women. But if a homeless crackhead strikes up a convo with her, I have to pry her away. Its embarrassing, and humiliating, and she wont tell me why she does this.

 

I know at some point she's going to be alone with guys. When Im working again she'll have plenty of time, and there are plenty of loser guys in our complex.

 

Ive decided Im going to buy a nanny cam. One of those really expensive ones that can even see in the dark, and automatically record onto the net. Motion sensored and everything. This way I can see once and for all if I can trust her. If she has truly changed her ways, or if she never will. Then I can leave her and move on.

Its just wierd that if a nice, good looking guy comes along, she barely says hi, but if the fat smelly plumber comes around she practically falls all over him. Yet she says she likes thin tall, muscular guys. My mind is blown.

 

DarkPrince, nothing you have posted above sounds like "just a vent" or that you have remotely come close to getting past, getting closure, or moving on from something that apparently happened once a decade ago.

 

You may think that getting a nanny cam is healthy behavior, but really, it is not. Getting into some IC would be a really, really good idea, and would be far healthier for you.

[DarkPrince]

DarkPrince, nothing you have posted above sounds like "just a vent" or that you have remotely come close to getting past, getting closure, or moving on from something that apparently happened once a decade ago.

 

You may think that getting a nanny cam is healthy behavior, but really, it is not. Getting into some IC would be a really, really good idea, and would be far healthier for you.

 

Well it is a vent but also a way for me to figure out what is wrong with her, why she is like that, and what can be done to solve it?

She has low self esteem issues, prob from her mother. I never really knew her mom much but once I spend some time with her I could see why.

Anyway she is making great progress. We've been to therapy and no one saw any problems with us. Ijust use this board to vent. If you guys knew us in person you wouldn't think be had problems cause we really dont now. We just have issues that we are overcoming. and that is what makes poeple strong.

Im not giving up on her. Ive never had this type of bond with anyone else. Ive been with a lot of women and usually get bored of them in a month or 2. Its been over 11 years and Im still not bored with our relationship. There is never a dull day.

[Bryanp]

What has she done to show her remorse? Does she have any idea how much she has truly hurt you?