Worth a second shot? How should I approach it this time?

[ronaldo9999]

So this issue with this girl has been bothering me for a few weeks now and I decided to share it here. Here it goes:

 

I met this girl a couple of months ago at school. We're both 20 and we kinda hit it off right away. Within a week we were texting each other all day, and spending one-on-one time with each other (no official date yet).

She even called me to her work once cause she was feeling bored (She is a receptionist). And I thought things were going pretty well.

Through all of this, once she did mention her ex who broke up with her 3 months ago, and she was trying to move on.

 

So after a couple of weeks of talking to her (we watched movies at my place, and hers, but nothing physical yet), I asked her out to a dinner and movie and we went out and I thought things went pretty well. After the movie, we went back to her place and talked a bit more (holding hands/cuddling).

 

Basically, the day after the date, we both bumped into each other at a bar , and I (having had a few drinks) didn't really know what I was talking about. Earlier in the week a mutual friend of ours had told me that even though she hated her ex, she was still not over him, so I brought it up at the bar (huge mistake), and told her not to lead me on if she wasn't interested.

 

She was very overwhelmed and we left the bar because she didn't feel it anymore and even started crying. I walked her home feeling really bad for bringing it up, but I asked her if she felt I was out of line making sure I wasn't a rebound, and she said I wasn't. Then (my alcohol talking) I asked her very directly where we were heading, and if she was doing this to get back at her ex, leading me on etc. She said she was a very private person and really took time to get to know someone

 

I told her it was all up to her. We could take things as fast as she wanted, as slow as she wanted or even go in reverse. She was very clear and said lets not go in reverse and just take things slow. So thats what we decided and all was good it seemed. Then I didn't see her for a few days because she left the city but were still texting each other quite a bit.

 

When she came back we had out finals starting up. One day I randomly dropped by her place to see her and I kinda felt she was out of it so I left.

Then an hour later she called me and brought up the bar night. She basically wanted to end it saying that she didn't know what she wanted and the bar night was very overwhelming. She said she I was expecting stuff off her because we were in a 'relationship' (I didn't think so and I told her) and said it wasn't fair to me. She said she thought we were just chilling and hanging out, and she was just beginning to get to know me, and then things moved way to fast. Then shes like yeah you're an awesome guy (and all that) but she'd had very bad experiences with relationships in the past and wanted to lay low for a while and start fresh next term...

 

That night I told her I wanted to talk to her again and I went to her place. I cleared her head of all the relationship talk saying that it was way to early for it (we had only been seeing each other for 2-3 weeks) and that there wasn't any pressure from my side, and that we didn't need to talk about all these things right now. I told her to focus on her finals and that I would give her space and we would do something after. I didn't initiate conversation at all for those 10 days but she did message me a few times (good luck for ur exam etc) and told me how that talk made her feel 10 times better about everything....

 

Basically after exams I texted her again and told her 'I might be down if she wanted to do something'...and she didn't reply back. And guess what we ended up at the same house party again and she was very drunk...I overheard her tell my friend to 'keep him away from me' and that really angered me but I didn't do anything because she was drunk. Then that friend also told me that she felt from the text I sent that I was doing her a favor by hanging out with her so she didn't reply....

 

Basically I didn't want anything to do with this girl after and a couple of days later I went to her place and told her that we were 100% done, and that there was no taking things slow and I wasn't gonna wait or anything. I told her I was just looking for something fun and this hadn't been fun at all, and that I didn't see us as friends. She said she wasn't expecting me to wait and that there had never been anything between us.

 

I kinda regret how this whole thing turned out, the whole talk at the bar in the first place was misunderstood (I wasn't asking for us to start a relationship then and there) and things went down hill.

 

I don't know why I'm still drawn to this girl and we start school 2nd week of september and it will be a month since we last saw each other. I'm not sure if I should start talking to her again, and see if we can start things over.

Or is it just too messed up to fix?

 

This time around if I do go for it again, I'm willing to take things slow and really get to know her, become her friend and let her control the speed, but after all that happenend is it still possible?

 

Thanks!

Edited August 26, 2011 by ronaldo9999

[thatconfusedgirl]

I'm not sure how to interpret her saying "keep him away from me" You seem really mature about this all and you've been straight forward, it sounds as though she doesn't know what she wants.

I think if you initiated it all again you'd have to carry her baggage for a while, it sounds like hard work. What is it that attracts you to her?

[ronaldo9999]

I'm not sure how to interpret her saying "keep him away from me" You seem really mature about this all and you've been straight forward, it sounds as though she doesn't know what she wants.

I think if you initiated it all again you'd have to carry her baggage for a while, it sounds like hard work. What is it that attracts you to her?

 

 

I should've clarified this earlier. When I talked to her about her saying that she said that she was really drunk and didn't want to make a mistake that she would regret later on.

 

And I don't know why I'm still thinking about this. There is nothing between us right now and she seems to be fine. I just felt we had something, great chemistry and were having so much fun just talking and getting to know each other.

The reason a part of me wants to give this a second shot is that this whole thing ended very prematurely, for a very silly reason.

 

I want to show her that I really want to get to know her, and not just get with her, but I'm not sure if this is possible without being too direct and scaring her off again.

[thatconfusedgirl]

Just keep telling yourself not to get ahead of yourself, expect the minimum so you won't be tempted to pressure her into making a decision. Easier said than done though. Really think about just getting to know her and don't get your hopes up about it progressing.

[ronaldo9999]

Thanks for the replies confusedgirl!

I'm still unsure about this whole thing. Would most people consider this a complete rejection?

Do you think when I see her around next month, I should treat her as a friend or just keep my distance?

[bluenightowl]

Thanks for the replies confusedgirl!

I'm still unsure about this whole thing. Would most people consider this a complete rejection?

Do you think when I see her around next month, I should treat her as a friend or just keep my distance?

 

From what I can tell she felt some pressure from you, but you did nothing wrong by asking for a clarification, its just the situation that it is with her recent breakup. Nothing really happened between you both, but she really does sound like her head is not ready for a serious relationship.

 

The only approach that might work is to just be friends for a while if you are cool with handling that. In my experience anything could happen with her. Tomorrow she might meet a guy and go out with him. How would you feel if that happened?

 

I would also suggest dating other women even if you do befriend her. Something could still spark between you and her, but now I would give her some space so she knows you are really completely over her.

 

If you really want her, just keep in mind that part of her attraction to you will be chasing you a bit as well, so never overwhelm her.

[ronaldo9999]

Quick update with this situation.

 

So I've bumped into her a few times this past week. The first time we met it was really awkward, when I sat down beside her in the library and she was very fidgety, kept looking away as I was talking to her and then she finally said "I have some reading to do" so I left.

 

The next couple of times I didn't approach her and she started a brief conversation a couple of times, but it is all very closed up, just a hi/hello type of thing you would say to someone in your class type of deal. We will be bumping into each other quite often for the next few weeks, what do you guys suggest I do? Its weird being acquaintances because our google calendars are still synced LOL.

 

How gradually should I try to get close to her? ie start casual texting?

 

recap: a couple of months ago she said she wanted to make sure we were on the same page "i.e not in a relationship" but had said yes because she felt overwhelmed and her main reason was that she was just starting to get to know me...