she now hates me, why cant i stop obsessing

[k100danny]

So me and my ex broke up around 10 days ago, she wanted it to end because i was so anxious and insecure and to be honest we probably werent the best match for each other anyway. we were very close friends before and we would probably have been better staying friends.

 

so for a few days we go over the why it wouldnt work ect and say we still deeply care and love each other but too much happened ect and we would stay friends. so i stayed in touch with her and contacted her quite a bit trying to stay friendly but sometimes the odd thing about us did come up which i think obviously annoyed her.

 

a week after breaking up i had text her and she asked me to meet her not far from my house at a bar she was in with friends, i spoke to her outside and it was the first time sinc the break up i had felt good like i could move on and we spoke for maybe 10 minutes not mentioning anything about our relationship and i left, she calls me within about 2 minutes of leaving and asked if id like to go for a drink with her and her friend. i said no thanks is a bit late but enjoy your night. she tried again and again i said its too late really but she should go. she calls another time and says is it ok if i come to your house for a few minutes? i say yes and she tuns up and as soon as i open the doors she asks if she can have a hug so i give her a hug and say dont worry everything is ok ect, she tells me she still loves me, she misses me and she knows i dont love her anymore, basically i think so i said of course i do which obviously i did. she said she wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with me and she wotn stop kissing me. then we chat and she leaves. i was quite cold toward her as i thought it was a bit out of the blue and blamed it on the drink ect which she later said she was drunk but it doesnt mean she didnt mean what she said.

 

now 2 days later we have spoken quite a bit via text and then she changes her number!!! we had always been respectful and i suppose it was always me who initiated contact but we had made plans to see each other for a coffee just over a week later. so i message her on facebook and say i dont seem to be able to text you have you blocked me or something? she said she had changed her number because she hadnt given it to a guy who kept calling the next day and she regretted it and didnt want him to have it. so i say i think it was because of me and she says no but she said she didnt tell me straight away because it was nice not to have to go over things with me. we message back and forth and i say if that was the reason i think she should have said and i wouldnt have asked for her number because if she wanted me to have it she would have given it to me and i get this.

 

I would rather you didnt have my number. i just want to forget you but you still talk to some of my friends so it has been hard. we clearly cant be friends so please dont contact me again.

 

what the **** is all this about? how can someone go from caring to being like that? i know we werent right together but this seems harsh, maybe my constant contact made her angry and hate me but we had spoken the day before she changed her number and we were just chatting friendly and asking about each other things we had done or had planned ect. im really confused and quite hurt and i dont know what to do. i feel like i should be able to just get over it but she was like my best friend before this so it has left a huge gap in my life also even though i know we werent right as a couple.

[radiodarcy]

hi Danny. i've been in a similar position to your ex gf. where my now ex and i had been friends, tried being a couple but it didn't work out. at first i tried being friends but it was just too painful. because he wasn't just my friend, he was my first love.

 

i'm thinking the reality of the situation probably started sinking in for her. and even though you still love each other, it's probably very difficult for her to go back to being friends.

 

i too had to tell my ex the same thing. too much had happened and i just couldn't see him in the same light as before. every word, move he made i continued to interpret through the hyper-sensitive lens of my love for him.

 

not to mention he would casually mention that he had started dating again. at that point i knew the friendship could not last. it was painful enough to not be able to have him in my life the way i wanted but to watch him move on with someone else would have been unbearable. i simply couldn't do it.

 

i'm sure your ex also knows that you were both going to have to move on as well. perhaps she may consider resuming the friendship some months - - possibly even years down the line. but right now she probably needs time to heal. there's not much else you can do but give it to her and try to heal for yourself as well.

 

but i certainly wouldn't take it as a sign that she no longer cares. if anything she cares too much - - which is why she must disengage.

Edited August 26, 2011 by radiodarcy

[k100danny]

Thanks. I did kind of push her away with my insecurities but it was her who ended it so i thought she would find it easier for us to be just friends. we werent together very long but we cared for each other before we got together, i suppose it took us so long to get together because we didnt want to ruin our friendship and maybe i always knew it wouldnt work out.

 

I can be quite obsessive and i did contact her everyday afterwards and sometimes it will have been hard for her i understand, i didnt plan on being like that you know but sometimes you cant help it. i found the number change excuse hard to take seriously but i also found that when i knew she had given her number to some guy i felt a bit uneasy. She really seems to hate me now though, we chatted most of the night via text around a week after breaking up and she said the next day that she didnt think we should have as much contact because she started to feel like we did before breaking up, waking up and checking her phone ect for a message from me.

 

I know that it was probably best to leave it after we split for a while but when your emotions are all over the place its hard to do what your head knows is right. it just seems like from the other day her telling me she still loves me but knows it wont work because of whatever reason (i agree i dont think wed every live happily ever after) to saying we cant be friends i just want to forget about you and i dont want you to have my number it seems a bit unfair no?

 

I like to think i have always been respectful to her even after the break up, ive refused to bad mouth her ect and i understand where she is comng from. i just feel that this was not the right way for her to do it and maybe a nice message stating how she feels would have been better than the ones she has sent me. I wish i could turn back time and us just be friends again but i know that cant happen well not for a long time. I have a lot of time alone with my thoughts and that doesnt help either, we spoke everyday for 7 months most of the day so now i dont literally know what to do with myself most days it was hard not to contact her.

[radiodarcy]

i feel your pain. the ex was the one who ended it with me. nevertheless, i don't think she hates you per se -- i think she's just frustrated with the situation. my ex pretty much said the same thing to me when i flipped out over him posting flirty messages on a girl's facebook wall. (he had also pulled some other not very nice behaviors but that's another post altogether! )

 

like you, i knew it wasn't my place to get jealous but as you said, when you're dealing with a break up/being dumped; your emotions are all over the place and it's not always easy to separate your thoughts from your behavior.

 

maybe she felt she was starting to become affected by the obsessive behaviors you mentioned as well in that she was also acting them out (i.e. in checking her cell for text msgs from you, etc). maybe she felt it was getting to a point where it was unhealthy for you both.

 

unfortunately when people get frustrated they get angry and when they get angry they say and do some very harsh things. my ex sent me an extremely vitriolic, nasty email telling me to move on. it hurt . but it also did the trick i helping me do what was best for me and go NC and start to heal.

 

it was and still is at times an extremely painful road. especially with the obsessive thoughts - -i have that problem too. they consumed me nonstop night and day. but overtime i started to focus on other interests and spent more time with family and friends and that has helped a great deal.

 

it's been 6 months NC and i still think about him quite a bit but not as much as before. have you tried focusing on other interests as well? i know it can be difficult in the beginning but even going through the motions can help.

 

also, have you considered anti-depressants? i was on the for a spell. they did work but they caused me to gain quite a bit of weight so i went off of them. i also found seeing a counselor helped enough to where i didn't need the medication.

Edited August 26, 2011 by radiodarcy

[k100danny]

I take a mild ssri / anti depressant for anxiety.

 

the main reason we split is because i was always questioning our relationship, because im quite anxious i found it hard to believe she wanted to be with me as much and it caused arguements. now not saying if this wasnt the case we would have been happy because looking back we werent right for each other at all.

 

I do worry about what people think of me though, and dont want to fall out but i understand that staying in contact might not have been the best thing to do. i dont want her to hate me and i guess after the other night of her turning up and saying she still loved me and missed me that i was more shocked when her phone number changed and she said she didnt tell me straight away because she didnt want to keep going over things (this i understand but if she changed it because of me a simple message saying dont message me if you are going to talk about us would have done) now saying she doesnt want to be friends and just wants to forget about me feels like it devalues me and its not nice at all. id like to take a lot of things back but i know i cant. id love to be friends with her in the future and i do wish her well, but i think it might have gone past that now where she just doesnt want to speak to me again. once you have bad emotions tied to someone it is hard to get over that psychologically isnt it. thank for your help. i have tried to stay busy but i am self employed and my job takes up very little time to i have lots of spare time to go over things in my head.

[radiodarcy]

i understand what you mean. i also feel my insecurities contributed to things going south. i too didn't understand why he was pursuing me and he said such kind things in the beginning that were very hard for me to accept at face value.

 

he has self-esteem issues as well. so when i would get uneasy when he complimented me he would take it personally and feel as though nothing he said could make me happy. so we probably wouldn't have lasted either.

 

i don't worry as much what people think about me but i worry about what he thinks. although lately i've learned not to worry about that so much. especially since i gave up analyzing/speculating as to his actions. there is no way i am ever going to come up with a theory that will satisfy me so i chose to let it be.

 

and it may be best to do the same with your ex as well. it does not good and will intensify the obsessive thoughts. easier said than done i know.

 

it's completely understandable that you wouldn't want to be friends with her after all that has happened. i don't think i will ever be able to go back to being friends with my ex either.

 

but cutting them out of our lives is hard. especially since they have been part of our lives for so long - - in my case it was 2.5 years and we had been friends for 3 years prior to anything happening. so not having him in my life anymore feels like missing a limb

[k100danny]

Yeah i need to stop thinking about things i cant change i know this but as you say its harder said than done.

 

You see i think i could be friends in the future and we always said we would remain friends if anything happened. I maybe did go over things quite a lot via text ect and i can see how this would annoy her but we were always respectful and the excuse about her changing her number just didnt satisfy me, although i couldnt imagine her doing it because of me when she says she didnt tell me straight away because it was nice to have some time not going over things it just didnt seem right. I dont really have anything bad to say other than from this last day of how she has treated me.

 

turning up at my house telling me she loved me on tuesday, speaking to me wednesday and thursday and arranging to meet up a week later for a coffee then her number to change later in the day just seemed out of the blue. i dont think we could be friends like we were for a long while but i really do want us to be friendly if not friends straight away as i can see how that would be hard for both of us. I worry about what people think of me and i dont think i would ever do that to someone and just say i want to forget about you after breaking up with them.

 

The thing that annoyed me was when i saw her outside the bar on tuesday i really did feel fine after seeing her, i thought thats in now i can start to get on with things because when i saw her my feelings were not the same and i didnt want to be back with her. she seemed more affected than me if im honest and then she comes to my house. and the next day says sorry i shouldnt have come over and messed with your head, it was just nice to see you and you seemed happy and it made me remember why i fell in love with you. But now she says she doesnt want me to have her new number (i didnt ask for it by the way) and she just wants to forget me but we have mutual friends on facebook but she could just block me on facebook if she wished but she hasnt and replies to my messages in quite a harsh way when all i want to know is why she seems to hate me now when i other than contacting her a lot after the break up have been nothing but nice to her about it. sorry to vent but it seems to make things easier.

 

I have known for a long time we werent right for each other and maybe i should have broke it off sooner rather than making myself sick with worry. but being anxious i get attatched easily and i was thinking we were such good friends and obviously are attracted to each other so why is it not working but looking back its just that we were very different and while that is great in friends its not so great in couples.