thatconfusedgirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 This is more long-winded than I had intended but if you have the time I really could use some advise. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half because: a. I feel as though the only times we're happy is because I put in a huge amount of effort to keep positive and to continuously make him feel loved and needed. His appreciation for my love makes me feel good, but I don't get the same attention and reassurance that I give to him. b. I was a pack-a-day smoker for 5 years (I'm 22), when we met I'd recently quit. After 3 months I started socially smoking maybe once a fortnight. Every single time without fail he would start a fight about it, i'd explain that if I was going to quit i'd need his support not abuse to help me and that the added stress can make me feel the need to smoke more. After a year of pleading him to show some empathy he wouldn't/couldn't, which me makes me feel as though he can't practise empathy at all. c. Because I don't get all the affection and attention I need from him, I decided to spend more time rebuilding friendships and not relying totally on him to make me feel good. This made him feel neglected and resulted in him kissing another woman. d. I decided to give him another chance, he suggested we get together at a bar. There was a huge line and I could tell he was getting impatient, we were with a big group of his friends. I got in the doors and ordered a drink expecting him to come in not long after, his females friends then approached me and said that he had left with the "boys" on the one night i was giving him another chance. All that aside, I really love the guy, and he's heartbroken that things are ending, I know he really wants to treat me better he tells me all the time that "I couldv'e done so much more". He's young and impressionable especially by his peers and I can see in him a really beautiful person who is caring and wants to make me happy. But can I put my faith in the promises he makes? I don't to take him back if i'm only going to make him and myself hurt all over again?
Pierre Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 His appreciation for my love makes me feel good, but I don't get the same attention and reassurance that I give to him. You are giving him conditional love. In other words, you expect something in return. That is why you are so disappointed. You also crave attention and that is also a set up for failure. Because I don't get all the affection and attention I need from him, I decided to spend more time rebuilding friendships and not relying totally on him to make me feel good. This made him feel neglected and resulted in him kissing another woman. Yep. you want attention and if you don't get it you feel devastated. You have a very serious problem and it needs to be corrected ASAP. You need counseling. You cannot expect someone to make you happy all the time; it does not work that way. You need to be happy on your own without external validation. Otherwise you will always be unhappy and will smother your partner asking for more attention.
Author thatconfusedgirl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Yep. you want attention and if you don't get it you feel devastated. You have a very serious problem and it needs to be corrected ASAP. You need counseling. You cannot expect someone to make you happy all the time; it does not work that way. You need to be happy on your own without external validation. Otherwise you will always be unhappy and will smother your partner asking for more attention. The attention I seek is for once him to say he loves me without it being an answer to a question, or to get up from playing dragon age and give me a kiss when i come from work, to initiate any sort of intimacy. And I don't smother him by asking him for anything I don't ask.
Author thatconfusedgirl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 And I am happy on my own, more than ever, but in order to be happy on my own I have to have the freedom to make my own choices in life whether it be smoking or anything else which he can't give me. I made a lot of compromises for him and adapted to my best ability to his lifestyle and as soon as I started living life for me again and not for him, he thought I was running away.
TigerCub Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Lets evaluate this for a second... Your guy used the whole "I was neglected" excuse to go and kiss another girl. Wow!! you better never neglect this guy again, cuz who knows what he'll do next time and.... He ditched you on the day you were giving him the 2nd chance - what does that say about how important that was to him? so what's the question again? Really? why are you even considering giving this guy mores chances - he sure doesn't seem to care. Look, he can say that there is so much he could have done, he can say that he'll do better next time, he can blah blah all he wants, but those are just words - look at his actions.
Author thatconfusedgirl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 He is really heartbroken though, he keeps begging me for another chance, crying a lot, he seems really sincere about wanting to do better. I believe he does, but will he?
TigerCub Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 He is really heartbroken though, he keeps begging me for another chance, crying a lot, he seems really sincere about wanting to do better. I believe he does, but will he? I honestly don't know. How long have you been together? I personally wouldn't because of the way he handled the 2nd chance date. That's a clear message that he doesn't care and if he's so easily influenced by his friends like you said, what's to stop him from going back to his douchy self again? It seems like you want to give him another chance - so do it if that's what you want, then if he screws up again, dump him again - & for good!
Author thatconfusedgirl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 We've been together a year and a half. And lived together for the last four months I just moved back home with my parents. At the moment I miss him and feel like my judgement is clouded by loneliness. I want to give it another go, but I don't want to screw around with him, I might change my mind in 2 days and I'd feel awful for putting him through that all again.
xxoo Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 We've been together a year and a half. And lived together for the last four months I just moved back home with my parents. At the moment I miss him and feel like my judgement is clouded by loneliness. I want to give it another go, but I don't want to screw around with him, I might change my mind in 2 days and I'd feel awful for putting him through that all again. Focus on getting your own apt, with roommates or girlfriends. Go out with your friends, take a class, train for a race, be 22! Work on you for now. Then, date him--if you are still interested, and can find the time
Professor X Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I know he really wants to treat me better he tells me all the time that "I couldv'e done so much more". and I can see in him a really beautiful person who is caring and wants to make me happy. I don't to take him back if i'm only going to make him and myself hurt all over again? Ah yes, the classic mistake, you dating / wanting the potential inside of him rather than who he really is. You know, I could really be mean and evil if I wanted to, does it make me one though? No? Interesting; Why is it interesting you ask? because your ex also "wants" to be better but he isn't, he wants to care but he ditches you on the one shot you gave him after he cheated on you, he "want" to be so much more, but he isn't - and after a year and a half and a cheating in the middle, this nice person should of popped already for whatever reasons. You know what I've learned in life? That a person needs more than just good intentions, a person also needs actions. You aren't a good person for wanting to donate to charity alone; What makes you a good person is donating for charity for good reasons. You see, people are more than what they want to be, people are who they actually are - funny, I know.
lonelyheartbeat Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I was going to say exactly what TigerCub said the first time. Come on now! You "neglected" him, so that's why he kissed another girl? And I agree, what will it be next time? Sleeping with another woman? Two? Three? Do you want to put your emotional well-being, not to mention your health, on the line? Dude needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I'm telling you right now, move on with your life.
sunshine103 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 If you really love him and he is sincere with his actions of wanting to get back to you, give him another shot. You don't want to go out having in your conscious that you did not try. BUT, BUT before doing so, sit down with him and make it clear what you expect from him and what he expects from you. Tell him your concerns straight out. What you guys went through is not major, and can perhaps be worked out if you communicate. After you speak to him and if you still have doubt that it will work out, then move on.
Author thatconfusedgirl Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 If you really love him and he is sincere with his actions of wanting to get back to you, give him another shot. You don't want to go out having in your conscious that you did not try. BUT, BUT before doing so, sit down with him and make it clear what you expect from him and what he expects from you. Tell him your concerns straight out. What you guys went through is not major, and can perhaps be worked out if you communicate. After you speak to him and if you still have doubt that it will work out, then move on. This is exactly what I've done, we talked everything through and we're going to take it slow, he has promised to make more of an effort and be more empathetic to my situation, I said we'd give it a month and see how much has changed. Wish us luck.
sunshine103 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I wish you luck! And remember to keep your guards up.
Recommended Posts