Reasonable post EA demands

[mv6458]

My husband and I are trying to reconcile after an EA he had with a coworker. Much of the contact the two of them had during the EA was by cell phone. But he was also spending money on her that I was unaware of. So I have told him he must meet some demands in order for me to try and move past the broken trust and I wonder if these sound unreasonable to any of you. My husband says he feels like I am treating him like a kid because of my demands and I can't figure out if that is because the EA is still ongoing or if he has a valid point. The biggest issue we are dealing with right now is he has not taken me seriously about the demands and is not meeting me in the middle when it comes to them. So I really need feedback from people with past experience or insight to help me.

1. NO CONTACT WITH OW BESIDES WHAT HIS JOB REQUIRES. THE OTHER PART IS IF HE HAS TO HAVE WORK RELATED CONTACT HE MUST TELL ME WHEN IT HAPPENS.

2. COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY ON ALL ACCOUNTS TO INCLUDE CELL PHONE, BANK ACCOUNT, CREDIT CARD, ETC. (We have always had two bank accounts and I never questionned where the money was being spent before I discovered his EA.)

3. HE MUST TELL THE OW IN FRONT OF ME THAT WE ARE RECONCILING. (He says she has no idea the seriousness of our situation. So he obviously hasn't told her about NC!)

4. COMPLETE HONESTY WITH ME.

5. NO BREAKFAST OR LUNCH AT THE OFFICE WHERE SHE IS AROUND. (They were eating together at the office frequently during the EA. Not alone, but nontheless he was paying for her meals.)

So what do you think, am I being unreasonable by asking him to do these things?

[keepsmilin74]

I don't think they are unreasonable, and in fact I would add that he report his whereabouts at all times. Text you when he is off to lunch and with whom, and then when he is leaving work and with whom, etc.

 

I wasn't sure about your #3 as I pictured it face to face all 3 of you, but I realised it could mean just him telling her over the phone while you listen on another handset (so you hear both ends) - yes, that should do. I would hate the face to face myself though.

 

And while he is doing full transparency, you should also be working together on reconciling via marriage counseling and/or following the marriage builders policies (for example.) This helps you heal and regain trust so you both realise these demands will not be in place forever. It is possible to trust each other again.

[PegNosePete]

I think your demands are DAMN RIGHT! Do NOT back down or compromise on ANY of them!!!

 

The phone call he makes in front of you for number 3 should also include the fact that they will no longer have ANY further contact except what is required by work.

 

In fact he is lucky that you allow him to carry on working with her. It would not be unreasonable if you insisted he quits and finds a new job away from her. It is quite a major leap of trust that you allow him to carry on working there.

 

If he thinks you re treating him like a kid then tell him that is exactly how he acted and that if he does not want to accept the consequences of his actions then he can get the hell out of your life. That's what I'd say in response to that BS excuse.

[analystfromhell]

Having recently suffered through my wife's EA, yes, these seem more than reasonable yet be prepared, as I suspect you are, for astonishment and denial. It's been over a month and yet we're still working through these and she's just removed him from her contacts list voluntarily. This last bit I thought was important. In my case if she wants to go I basically said "good bye but if you want to stay..." so I looked to her to remove him from her life because SHE wanted to and not because I demanded such. For a while it was touch and go but he's gone from her contacts and from her life.

 

The distrust related to her behavior lives on and likely always will but she's making slow progress.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

So enlighten me.

 

First to the OP, are you married with kids and how old are you? A lot of what you say in your answer will let me formulate an opinion.

 

Second, what did he pay for outside lunches? Is he in a much higher position?

 

Third, what constituted the EA in your opinion? Was it 1,000's of calls or texts and stolen lunches alone? Or was it daily interaction that crossed an imaginary line?

 

Fourth, what you call an EA, may not be one to him.

 

I am fascinated on LS how many equate an EA to a PA and even worse in some cases. Sorry I can't understand it, especially when one person in the marriage/partnership may be aloof or emotionally distant.

[carhill]

My husband says he feels like I am treating him like a kid because of my demands and I can't figure out if that is because the EA is still ongoing or if he has a valid point.

That's not a good sign.

 

Having been a MM, I can clarify, with the benefit of MC, where the boundary between a 'friendship' ends and an EA begins. Part is saying and doing things one wouldn't do if/when their spouse is present. Part, if it is cheating, is secrecy and hiding such activities from their spouse. Part, a really big part, is how the person *feels* when interacting with the 'friend'. If the person is assigning feelings which de-prioritize their primary relationship, those feelings are unhealthy for that relationship and a betrayal of it. Such a secondary relationship is deemed to be 'inappropriate' for that committed/married person.

 

Further, if the committed/married person shares their private marital business, like what they do sexually or personal secrets they are privy to and have agreed to keeping such private, they have committed an additional betrayal.

 

OP, if he pushes back like in the quoted, as our MC put it, you have a decision to make. IMO, he's not showing true remorse. I didn't, simply because I didn't want to be married to my exW anymore, and we got a divorce. Your path is your own. Good luck.

[Tayla]

I think the "way" its being relayed is most offensive. "Demands?" Example: I demand you take out the garbage, is way different then hey can you pitch in today and on your way out take the garbage? - Its all in how its presented.

 

Yes as relations happen and certain LINES are drawn , there needs to be clarity and no grey areas.

 

I disagree at this time that the OP is being rational/reasonable. Name five positive ways this will enhance the relations by policing the spouse? THen write a book about it because I've yet to see such demands meet with good results for both sides.

[Bittersweetie]

Yes as relations happen and certain LINES are drawn , there needs to be clarity and no grey areas.

 

I agree with this. I was a WS and after d-day my H said to me, if you want to attempt to work on our relationship, these are my expectations. And then he laid them out. He did not demand these things from me...it was made very clear that if I did not meet these expectations, he would not give me a second chance. These were only some of the consequences of my actions.

 

So I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to have these expectations.

[carhill]

With due respect, the WS here is a man. We process things differently than women do.