Dumper, dumpee, what does it matter? What's the difference?

[NursingGirl]

I have read alot about dumper/dumpee status but I fail to see how that really matters except to be better understood in a thread. But it seems that some people here attribute certain traits to each one and I guess I don't get that. I think dumpers hurt about as much in most cases though sometimes not immediately.

 

What about the dumpees who do something so awful without breaking up that it leaves the dumper almost NO CHOICE but to consider the relationship over and he/she pulls the plug. Are THESE dumpers actually dumpees?

 

I've been a dumper and I've been a dumpee and I've been the person who seems to have no choice but to break up because of my partner's actions and other than alittle bit of additional ego pain as a dumpee), I haven't noticed any difference. It all hurts like hell for awhile.

[Buttercup84]

It really depends , I agree that the dumper often dumps the person because of bad treatment etc so they will hurt more than the dumpee .

 

 

But often the dumper goes through the healing process whilst still in the relationship so they have a headstart. If they have a heart they will hurt , because you get so used to eachother.

 

I wish my ex is hurting , but I know he isn't.I think his biggest worry is having to pay for everything now I moved out.Ha !

 

If I loved someone once and had to break up I know I would hurt a lot too , but I am a very emotional person so I do not know if everyone is like that.If the dumper cared for the dumpee in anyway before , it will hurt them.But mostly because they are hurting us.

[Nohbody]

Agreed. Too much identity gets wrapped up in how a relationship ended.

[vsmini]

Dumpers have the healing advantage because for the most part they are obviously calling for the breakup and are already mentally prepared.

If they're ready to call the relationship off - a huge part of them has already moved on.

[radiodarcy]

It really depends , I agree that the dumper often dumps the person because of bad treatment etc so they will hurt more than the dumpee .

 

 

But often the dumper goes through the healing process whilst still in the relationship so they have a headstart. If they have a heart they will hurt , because you get so used to eachother.

 

I wish my ex is hurting , but I know he isn't.I think his biggest worry is having to pay for everything now I moved out.Ha !

 

If I loved someone once and had to break up I know I would hurt a lot too , but I am a very emotional person so I do not know if everyone is like that.If the dumper cared for the dumpee in anyway before , it will hurt them.But mostly because they are hurting us.

 

i agree. i think it depends on the situation. my ex had no problem whatsoever moving on. as Buttercup said, in some cases the dumper has long since moved on so any pain they may have felt about making the decision they had to make has since passed.

 

however, as NursingGirl pointed out there are dumpers who have no choice to cut to cord because the dumpees have gotten lazy about confronting and dealing with issues in the relationship.

 

and then there are dumpees who are downright jerks about it like my dear brother - - who once admitted to me that he's been in relationships where he wasn't happy and didn't have the guts to end it, so he would start being a jerk so the girl had no choice but to dump him. real smooth.

[NursingGirl]

and then there are dumpees who are downright jerks about it like my dear brother - - who once admitted to me that he's been in relationships where he wasn't happy and didn't have the guts to end it, so he would start being a jerk so the girl had no choice but to dump him. real smooth.

 

Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Sometimes, I wouldn't say it is conscious, but the dumpee KNOWS that what he/she is doing is going to result in the other walking but they continue anyway. So essentially, isn't that person the dumper? But in my experience, that person who continues outrageous behavior is SURPRISED by the other partner leaving? Like, wow, really?

 

This I don't get.

[NursingGirl]

Agreed. Too much identity gets wrapped up in how a relationship ended.

 

 

Yes. I would say that almost everyone is hurt at an ending in some way. Even if it is just the stability/structure of the relationship or the financial hardship that results or changes in friendships and living arrangements, moving, etc.

 

Have you ever seen that type of person who HAS to be in a relationship but doesn't value it? That person seems to need another person caring for them but he/she doesn't give much and then when it's over...he/she really notices that they HAVE to have that structure of being in a relationship in order to maintain stability in his/her life. I have to stop having relationships with idiots like this.

[radiodarcy]

Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Sometimes, I wouldn't say it is conscious, but the dumpee KNOWS that what he/she is doing is going to result in the other walking but they continue anyway. So essentially, isn't that person the dumper? But in my experience, that person who continues outrageous behavior is SURPRISED by the other partner leaving? Like, wow, really?

 

This I don't get.

 

i definitely agree that in cases like this, the dumpee is in fact the the dumper. i think the "dumpees" who act surprised abt their partner are in serious denial and suffer from a major lack of awareness. and of course, they probably love to play the sympathy card.

 

to my brother's credit, he was actually aware of why he was being dumped and didn't really care. he just wanted out. but it's still a crappy way to go about it though.

[NursingGirl]

... and of course, they probably love to play the sympathy card.

 

Ok, thanks for that. I think I understand now. THAT dumpee (who is really the dumper) gets to play the victim, therefore, claims no responsibility for the breakup and stays in their little comfy zone gathering sympathy from others. They never have to be the "bad guy". I really have to stop dating wimps.

[radiodarcy]

lol. me too.