He left, how do I him?

[Silly_Girl]

I disagree. I knew for 15 months to 4 years that my ex-H and I would split (long story) yet it was like an out-of-body experience. The gravity and importance of it meant we were both in shock.

 

Plus I saw it first-hand with my boyfriend.

 

The space is vital though. Time, perspective and routine all help.

[cupshalfempty]

Well he's gone to a friends place for a bit. I think we are both, completely shellshocked. I think he needs to figure things out further. His leaving her was a knee jerk reaction to my nc. He told her ealier this week he wanted out of the marriage and they have been discussing finances and debt. I went out one night and he got all jealous. I got angry, angry that he felt he could question me while he was married, while I have lived daily with him living another life with me on the side. That's when he told her he was finished..handed me his phone so I could see the recent email exchange where she confirms.

 

I don't know what to do from this moment. I'm still waiting for him to go back to her. I'm expecting it.

[whichwayisup]

Well he's gone to a friends place for a bit. I think we are both, completely shellshocked. I think he needs to figure things out further. His leaving her was a knee jerk reaction to my nc. He told her ealier this week he wanted out of the marriage and they have been discussing finances and debt. I went out one night and he got all jealous. I got angry, angry that he felt he could question me while he was married, while I have lived daily with him living another life with me on the side. That's when he told her he was finished..handed me his phone so I could see the recent email exchange where she confirms.

 

I don't know what to do from this moment. I'm still waiting for him to go back to her. I'm expecting it.

 

Atleast now you know for sure. A knee reaction to your NC. He didn't think, he just did.

 

And, it's good that he is staying somewhere else. To put this all on you, leaving and in shock, isn't fair to you. This is supposed to be a good thing (right? Him leaving and to be with you) it's just the timing is all wrong and it's been done under the wrong circumstances. It's out of your hands.. If he goes back, this is something you need to think about, how to handle and what to do. Either accept things as they are, be the OW and keep the A going under the radar, or end it and tell him goodbye, to call you once he's D and some time has gone by so he can be ready to give to you, and do this the right and healthier way.

 

Call a friend to come stay with you or go stay somewhere else so you're not alone.

[Gentlegirl]

Atleast now you know for sure. A knee reaction to your NC. He didn't think, he just did.

 

And, it's good that he is staying somewhere else. To put this all on you, leaving and in shock, isn't fair to you. This is supposed to be a good thing (right? Him leaving and to be with you) it's just the timing is all wrong and it's been done under the wrong circumstances. It's out of your hands.. If he goes back, this is something you need to think about, how to handle and what to do. Either accept things as they are, be the OW and keep the A going under the radar, or end it and tell him goodbye, to call you once he's D and some time has gone by so he can be ready to give to you, and do this the right and healthier way.

 

Call a friend to come stay with you or go stay somewhere else so you're not alone.

 

Cup,

 

Anything can and probably will happen now.

 

He left for you. If he were to leave, it would have to be for his own reasons... not for you. Would he ever have left if you weren't on his radar?

 

As somebody else said.. get yourself some company for a while if possible.

 

My thoughts are with you,

 

Gentlegirl

[Silly_Girl]

Cups, it wasn't clear to me... I read it that firstly he said he wanted out, then there was an incident where his jealousy led him to leave? Is that right? Was he planning to leave but things sped up? If so then it's not so much of a thing that he left. Apologies if I've got the chronology wrong.

 

And he's not zipped straight back there. Which he could have done if it was all an over-reaction or silly mistake.

 

I also don't subscribe to the 'he mustn't leave for you but should be leaving anyway' school of thought. If he were happy and things were perfect he wouldn't be thinking of leaving. But if he loves you and is determined to be with you, why not leave to be with you? It's his choice, not something you're forcing upon him.

 

Him turning to you is only natural. Some seem indignant that he'd make you his first port of call, but if you have a strong relationship that seems natural to me. But then I'd think the two of you would work out what happens next.

 

Please don't EXPECT him to go back. You'll unconsciously end up encouraging him to go back. He may do. I think you should offer him support and let him know you love him and are there for him, just as you'd want him to be there for you were the tables turned. IF he goes back you'll have to think very hard about what you want.

 

This part was never going to be easy. I don't agree that 'the timing is wrong'. The timing is always and yet never wrong. Keep looking after yourself, first and foremost

[White Flower]

Atleast now you know for sure. A knee reaction to your NC. He didn't think, he just did.

 

Many times this is exactly the reason a WS stays home on Dday; he didn't think, he just did. It works both ways.

[White Flower]

Cups, he left, then showed you her agreement to terms of D in an email. You're both nervous and upset, so you're going to feel shaky during this time understandably so. Good thing is he didn't run back home; he is with a friend right now.

 

Take Silly's advice and try to be there for him. Some guys never leave at all and don't even try. Focus on his accomplishments instead of the confusion. It's a time of adjustment.

[26pointblue]

Well he's gone to a friends place for a bit. I think we are both, completely shellshocked. I think he needs to figure things out further. His leaving her was a knee jerk reaction to my nc. He told her ealier this week he wanted out of the marriage and they have been discussing finances and debt. I went out one night and he got all jealous. I got angry, angry that he felt he could question me while he was married, while I have lived daily with him living another life with me on the side. That's when he told her he was finished..handed me his phone so I could see the recent email exchange where she confirms.

 

I don't know what to do from this moment. I'm still waiting for him to go back to her. I'm expecting it.

 

Hi, I'm sorry for your pain & just wanted to reiterate that I understand the emotional turmoil you're in. I've been there. As I said in my last post my xMM moved out as a knee-jerk reaction to my NC, to do what it took to be with me based on what I said [living apart from wife] but not on what it truly would take to be together [willing/able to get divorced]. He was also kicked out a couple times & acted the same way -- shellshocked, confused. But when push came to shove he kept doing what it took to get back in his wife's good graces & still keep me on the side as much as both of us would let him.

 

Ask yourself: do you really want a man like that?

 

I decided I didn't. But first I put myself through hell trying to stay with him & convincing myself things would work out well & we'd be together in the end.

 

I don't know why we women [or some of us . . . & some men too] do this to ourselves. I think we all deserve a partner who is single & available from the beginning, who doesn't lie to us & string us along, & who doesn't hurt someone else by lying to them & cheating on them in order to be with us.

 

I put myself through so much more pain before I realized all of this. I just hope you can stop before I did. It's not worth it. I believe I was lowering my self-worth by accepting the situation. If he really loves you then he will be with you because he wants to be, not because you go NC or his wife kicks him out etc. All you can do is treat yourself the way you truly deserve, which is with love & with not settling for a guy who is confused about who he truly wants to be with. :-(

 

That's my advice but I do understand it's hard to take when you're in love. I hope things work out well for you, please don't give him all the power here. HUGS

[26pointblue]

PS I disagree with the advice to be there 100% for a guy who isn't 100% there for you. He is waffling, so distance yourself. Protect your heart. You have to love yourself first or you will never be happy loving someone else, especially someone unsure about what he wants to do/ who he wants to be with enough to make it happen 100%.

[White Flower]

 

 

Him turning to you is only natural. Some seem indignant that he'd make you his first port of call, but if you have a strong relationship that seems natural to me. But then I'd think the two of you would work out what happens next.

 

Please don't EXPECT him to go back. *You'll unconsciously end up encouraging him to go back.* He may do. I think you should offer him support and let him know you love him and are there for him, just as you'd want him to be there for you were the tables turned. IF he goes back you'll have to think very hard about what you want.

 

This part was never going to be easy. I don't agree that 'the timing is wrong'. The timing is always and yet never wrong. Keep looking after yourself, first and foremost

They call the bolded bit a self-fulfilled prophecy. Be wary!

 

PS I disagree with the advice to be there 100% for a guy who isn't 100% there for you. He is waffling, so distance yourself. Protect your heart. You have to love yourself first or you will never be happy loving someone else, especially someone unsure about what he wants to do/ who he wants to be with enough to make it happen 100%.

 

Interestingly I don't see these two posts as different. They're both asking you to support him, only one says with everything you've got while the other says only just enough. But both say protect your heart.

 

Again, it's not always about WHO he wants, but figuring out how to get there with the least amount of damage in the process.

Edited August 29, 2011 by White Flower

[pureinheart]

Cups, he left, then showed you her agreement to terms of D in an email. You're both nervous and upset, so you're going to feel shaky during this time understandably so. Good thing is he didn't run back home; he is with a friend right now.

 

Take Silly's advice and try to be there for him. Some guys never leave at all and don't even try. Focus on his accomplishments instead of the confusion. It's a time of adjustment.

 

As God as my witness WF, I was reading this thread pondering a response and went to get a couple of animal crackers...lol...and was thinking oif what DM and me went through when he first split with his ex and the exact words that came to mind was in bold...sooooo I would say we are more than on the same page:D.

 

It is change...we all react to change, even good change is hard. Everyone is different, some handle change better than others.

 

Seriously CHE, he left...that speaks volumns. He is done with his M IMO. He might go back only because he fears the change, although it's only a matter of time. You know when you go swimming and the water is cold...you stick a foot in and pull it out kind of fast, then put your foot back in and the water feels less cold...priddy soon your all the way in and swimming freely.

 

I would caution you to seek advice concerning ways to "help" him...because there is a great emotionaly investment, it is easy to loose yourself in his issues, setting aside you and possibly not taking care of you due to him possibly being preoccupied.

[phillyfan]

Dude did he just turn up at ur place n asume that he was gona live there? Tht aint rite, dude. That aint normal, livin togetha is a big big deal u dont just turn up n asume u live in someone else house. This aint good.

[RainDown]

This is a tough spot to be in. I can relate because my affair partner did the same thing. I didn't go NC, but I did tell him I could no longer see him while he was married to someone else. We still spoke on the phone and e-mailed back and forth, but I was moving on without him. I didn't give him any kind of "ultimatum"; I just told him I was taking a fork in the road leading away from him, that it made me sad, but it was what it was.

 

He left his wife about six months later. At the time he said he was doing it for him and that he didn't leave her for me. A year or two later he admitted that wasn't true and that he left her simply because he could not bear to watch me walk away. He went so far as to tell me that he likely would still be married to her if he hadn't felt such a strong need to chase me. He never regretted that decision and he definitely wasn't shellshocked or torn during the separation and divorce. I would have been very uneasy (just as you are) had that been the case. Mine was ready to leave apparently and never really looked back.

 

The relationship didn't work out (this was all several years ago) but I stayed with him longer than I should have - mostly because once he admitted that he had indeed left his wife for me I felt guilty and obligated to stay with him after having been the catalyst for the end of his marriage. In the end though, he wasn't the right guy for me and we ultimately parted on amicable terms.

 

I think it can go a number of ways when a man leaves his wife for another woman rather than the marriage dying of its own accord. Sometimes the marriage is indeed over anyway and the other woman accelerates a process that was going to happen anyway. Sometimes the marriage will limp along with no one making a decision one way or the other. Sometimes the MP will try to maintain the marriage and the outside relationship at the same time for as long as possible, bouncing back and forth between them. Sometimes the MP will leave the marriage for the OW and the OW decides she doesn't want him after all, as in my case.

 

Any of those scenarios is a possible future in your situation and right now the three of you (and any children involved) are at a crisis point and it's really hard to predict the coming events of the next few months or years. It's probably a good idea to distance yourself a bit from his confusion right now and let him sort out where he wants to go from here. More importantly, take care of yourself and decide how willing you are to be buffeted around by his actions and decisions. You have choices, too, about whether or not you want to be riding a crazy train someone else is driving.

[Alpha Q]

Seems a MM just can't win. Reading threads here it seems people tell the OW to go "NC" all the time, in the hopes that this will focus the guy's mind and help him "get off the fence". If he doesn't - he's a loser; she's better off without him.

 

If he does - he's a loser. She's better off without him. He should have thought it through and left because / when he was good and ready. He should have left "for him" and not "for her".

 

It's pretty clear that the subtext is - "We hate MMs who don't leave the BW for the OW. And we hate MMs who do." There's just nothing they can do right - staying; leaving immediately; leaving when they're ready... whatever they do, it's the wrong thing. They're evil incarnate and not capable of acting in a way that will garner them any support or understanding.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

 

CHE, if you love him and want him in your life, then offer him the support he's seeking from you. After all, you are the person he loves, it's natural he will seek support from you. He will be going through a difficult time and if he can't get support from you now when he needs it, your future relationship is doomed.

 

That doesn't mean that you must shelve your own needs or compromise yourself in any way. But the same way you would support a friend or a family member who turned to you at such a time, you can support the person you love.

 

There are no recipes for success in this. Some MMs leave their BWs and move straight in with the OW and it all works out just great. Others have some time alone, and get together with the OW once all the nastiness of the divorce is behind them, so they can start with a "clean slate". That can work too, for some couples. Other couples choose something in between - a period apart for things to settle, then picking things up during the divorce so that they have each other's support during the divorce and no one is in the dark as to what is happening. All can work out, but which is right for you depends on yourselves as a couple, and what each of you as an individual wants and needs.

[woinlove]

This is a tough spot to be in. I can relate because my affair partner did the same thing. I didn't go NC, but I did tell him I could no longer see him while he was married to someone else. We still spoke on the phone and e-mailed back and forth, but I was moving on without him. I didn't give him any kind of "ultimatum"; I just told him I was taking a fork in the road leading away from him, that it made me sad, but it was what it was.

 

He left his wife about six months later. At the time he said he was doing it for him and that he didn't leave her for me. A year or two later he admitted that wasn't true and that he left her simply because he could not bear to watch me walk away. He went so far as to tell me that he likely would still be married to her if he hadn't felt such a strong need to chase me. He never regretted that decision and he definitely wasn't shellshocked or torn during the separation and divorce. I would have been very uneasy (just as you are) had that been the case. Mine was ready to leave apparently and never really looked back.

 

The relationship didn't work out (this was all several years ago) but I stayed with him longer than I should have - mostly because once he admitted that he had indeed left his wife for me I felt guilty and obligated to stay with him after having been the catalyst for the end of his marriage. In the end though, he wasn't the right guy for me and we ultimately parted on amicable terms.

 

I think it can go a number of ways when a man leaves his wife for another woman rather than the marriage dying of its own accord. Sometimes the marriage is indeed over anyway and the other woman accelerates a process that was going to happen anyway. Sometimes the marriage will limp along with no one making a decision one way or the other. Sometimes the MP will try to maintain the marriage and the outside relationship at the same time for as long as possible, bouncing back and forth between them. Sometimes the MP will leave the marriage for the OW and the OW decides she doesn't want him after all, as in my case.

 

Any of those scenarios is a possible future in your situation and right now the three of you (and any children involved) are at a crisis point and it's really hard to predict the coming events of the next few months or years. It's probably a good idea to distance yourself a bit from his confusion right now and let him sort out where he wants to go from here. More importantly, take care of yourself and decide how willing you are to be buffeted around by his actions and decisions. You have choices, too, about whether or not you want to be riding a crazy train someone else is driving.

 

I've had those feelings of guilt and obligation when a MM left his W, and I left him too. The R can really change once a MM leaves the M and for some, after all the drama has settled down, you may see MM in a new light. If one does have the doubts, combined with guilt and obligation, I think it is important to listen to them. MM made his own choice, even if he said it was "for OW", and tying one's life to another is too important to stick it out from guilt. For others, it may be different, and the R may move into a deeper more lasting level once MM is single. Just don't focus on MM's feelings to the exclusion of your own.

 

I second the taking care of yourself and making sure you are where you want to be and in control of your own life.

[Alpha Q]

I've had those feelings of guilt and obligation when a MM left his W, and I left him too. The R can really change once a MM leaves the M and for some, after all the drama has settled down, you may see MM in a new light. If one does have the doubts, combined with guilt and obligation, I think it is important to listen to them. MM made his own choice, even if he said it was "for OW", and tying one's life to another is too important to stick it out from guilt. For others, it may be different, and the R may move into a deeper more lasting level once MM is single. Just don't focus on MM's feelings to the exclusion of your own.

 

I second the taking care of yourself and making sure you are where you want to be and in control of your own life.

 

Just to echo the bolded bit.

[woinlove]

Seems a MM just can't win. Reading threads here it seems people tell the OW to go "NC" all the time, in the hopes that this will focus the guy's mind and help him "get off the fence". If he doesn't - he's a loser; she's better off without him.

 

If he does - he's a loser. She's better off without him. He should have thought it through and left because / when he was good and ready. He should have left "for him" and not "for her".

 

It's pretty clear that the subtext is - "We hate MMs who don't leave the BW for the OW. And we hate MMs who do." There's just nothing they can do right - staying; leaving immediately; leaving when they're ready... whatever they do, it's the wrong thing. They're evil incarnate and not capable of acting in a way that will garner them any support or understanding.

 

I think NC is typically recommended for OW/OM who are in pain and don't want to keep waiting for MM/MW to make a decision. It is for the OW/OM, to help them heal and feel better and many - but not all - who have used NC say it worked for them.

 

Also not sure what posts you are referring to as hate and evil incarnate. Sometimes OW/OM vent because of the pain they are in. In those cases, it is just one step of a healing process for them. Clearly MM/MW who are having secret A's are lying and deceiving, living a double life, and that is not behavior to be lauded, it can deeply hurt others - including the BS, OW/OM, their children. Also it often can mean MM/MW will need to change in order to be able to sustain a loving and committed R with their BS or anyone else. Yes, they may be broken, dishonest, selfish or whatever, but that is not the same as "evil incarnate".

 

Are you a MM?

[RainDown]

I've had those feelings of guilt and obligation when a MM left his W, and I left him too. The R can really change once a MM leaves the M and for some, after all the drama has settled down, you may see MM in a new light. If one does have the doubts, combined with guilt and obligation, I think it is important to listen to them. MM made his own choice, even if he said it was "for OW", and tying one's life to another is too important to stick it out from guilt. For others, it may be different, and the R may move into a deeper more lasting level once MM is single. Just don't focus on MM's feelings to the exclusion of your own.

 

I second the taking care of yourself and making sure you are where you want to be and in control of your own life.

 

That was essentially the gist of our "break-up" conversation. I realized that the last year or so of our relationship was based not on love and wanting to be with him, but on feeling too guilty to leave him. I finally just bit the bullet and ended it.

 

I think some MP (and not just MPs having affairs) go through this, too. They don't really love and want to be with their spouse anymore but they hang around out of guilt and obligation. Sometimes something (or someone) tips the scale and forces you to move through the guilt and take that other fork in the road. Some people keep on moving; some people are dragged back to the status quo because the guilt once again becomes too much.

 

I don't know about everyone else, but the idea that someone is staying with me out of guilt is simply horrifying. It's just no way to live.

 

Sorry to drag the thread off topic.

 

To the OP - I hope things settle down for you soon and that things become clearer for both you and your MM. I know you are not each other's therapists or mothers, but do try your best to take care of each other.

[RainDown]

I've had those feelings of guilt and obligation when a MM left his W, and I left him too. The R can really change once a MM leaves the M and for some, after all the drama has settled down, you may see MM in a new light. If one does have the doubts, combined with guilt and obligation, I think it is important to listen to them. MM made his own choice, even if he said it was "for OW", and tying one's life to another is too important to stick it out from guilt. For others, it may be different, and the R may move into a deeper more lasting level once MM is single. Just don't focus on MM's feelings to the exclusion of your own.

 

I second the taking care of yourself and making sure you are where you want to be and in control of your own life.

 

That was essentially the gist of our "break-up" conversation. I realized that the last year or so of our relationship was based not on love and wanting to be with him, but on feeling too guilty to leave him. I finally just bit the bullet and ended it.

 

I think some MP (and not just MPs having affairs) go through this, too. They don't really love and want to be with their spouse anymore but they hang around out of guilt and obligation. Sometimes something (or someone) tips the scale and forces you to move through the guilt and take that other fork in the road. Some people keep on moving; some people are dragged back to the status quo because the guilt once again becomes too much.

 

I don't know about everyone else, but the idea that someone is staying with me out of guilt is simply horrifying. It's just no way to live.

 

Sorry to drag the thread off topic.

 

To the OP - I hope things settle down for you soon and that things become clearer for both you and your MM. I know you are not each other's therapists or mothers, but do try your best to take care of each other.