He left, how do I him?

[cupshalfempty]

So I decided I wasn't going to wait to the deadline I gave my mm of oct 1.st. I had pretty much decided he was playing me with his talk of leaving and honestly was sick of the feelings I had every night. I finally really went nc, blocked all communication. He left her that day.

 

It was hard. I was so geared up for nc..we talked and he's been @ my place the last two days. He's been very quiet, not as happy as usual, we don't talk about the break up or even where to go from here. He is basically in a state of shock. I feel horrible. He has no plans atm that I know of for his next move, for all I know he is in such regret he will be back with her tonight. I don't know what to do. How do I help him? He just up and left his entire life.

 

What do I do? I don't want to push him too soon asking what his next move is, where is he going to go..etc. I know he needs time to digest what he's done. But what do I do?

[Silly_Girl]

That's a really hard place to be in. Just not knowing what to do for the best. Have you asked him? Have you asked him how you can be support him and what he most needs from you? It may be simply space, but at least it creates a basis for communication.

 

I remember the first weekend my guy left, he was like a ghost. He was haunted by guilt and worry. I told him that unless he said otherwise, or wanted to discuss anything I'd carry on as usual and not fuss and delve. That suited him, we just 'got on with things' as usual. As time progressed he was keener to communicate and to explore his feelings about his wife and the wider situation.

 

Would he usually talk to you and open up about his feelings/concerns? How are things between he and his wife?

[TigerCub]

Hey Cups

 

I think its nice that you're getting what you wanted.

I understand that right now feels so weird and uncertain and you feel really guilty.

 

I think SG definitely knows what she's talking about, so listen to her

 

All you can do is just offer to help him in any way you can. If he needs a little space, give it, if he needs a sounding board, listen.

 

I think you can get through this, it will just take a lot of patience.

 

Not to scare you, and you already have the fear of the flip flop, so just mentally prepare yourself for that possibility, but really for now, all you can do is just ask him what he needs from you.

 

For the rest of it, just try to carry on as your happy bubbly self that he fell for.

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

Just take things one day at a time. Let him intiate if he wants to talk.. He needs to grieve the loss of his marriage, the life he once shared with his wife and that's going to take time. And, he may not want to discuss that with you, or rely on you as a shoulder to grieve that loss.

 

To up and move out of his house, then move right into your house and live with you is going to take some getting used to, even if he has detached from his wife, it won't be an easy transition.

 

He may or may not change his mind, though you should be prepared, just in case.

[geejayess]

Wow, that is tough. I don't have experience with this sort of thing, but I know how I would feel if it were me.

 

Are you happy with him there with you? I don't know what you two discussed about the particulars of the possibility of him leaving his wife, but one of the things should have been where he would live. I would imagine it is difficult to know how to feel- happy because he left, hurting for him because he is in obvious pain, uneasy because - why is he in obvious pain, didn't he want to leave?

 

If he left because of your initiating NC- I don't know, I wouldn't be too happy with that. Can you live with that? I've always been of the mind that a person should leave a marriage when they are not happy in it- whether they have an OP or not- not because of an OP. But if you can accept that he left because of you- then ok. BE THERE for him, you've been his emotional support before, you have to continue to do so. You don't have to broach the subject, but let him know that you understand that he will have conflicting emotions about what he has done- you know it can't have been easy. If he wants to talk- talk. If he wants to carry on as if nothing has happened... well I don't advocate sweeping everything under the rug, but give him time to sort his feelings out before you talk about what's next...

 

Good luck with everything Cups... I hope it all works out for you.

[donnamaybe]

Wow. Well, good that you made him decide. And try not to feel guilty. If he's left that's better than continuing to sneak around behind his wife's back, right? At least this way she can also move on with her life.

 

One thing I would be concerned about would be moving him right in. I really think it's important that someone not swing right from one live in situation to the next. He should have that time between where he gets his own life together before completely melding it with yours. Not that you can't see each other, but I would put off moving in together for awhile at least.

 

Good luck!

[TurboGirl]

So I decided I wasn't going to wait to the deadline I gave my mm of oct 1.st. I had pretty much decided he was playing me with his talk of leaving and honestly was sick of the feelings I had every night. I finally really went nc, blocked all communication. He left her that day.

 

It was hard. I was so geared up for nc..we talked and he's been @ my place the last two days. He's been very quiet, not as happy as usual, we don't talk about the break up or even where to go from here. He is basically in a state of shock. I feel horrible. He has no plans atm that I know of for his next move, for all I know he is in such regret he will be back with her tonight. I don't know what to do. How do I help him? He just up and left his entire life.

 

What do I do? I don't want to push him too soon asking what his next move is, where is he going to go..etc. I know he needs time to digest what he's done. But what do I do?

 

Hmmm be careful what you wish for... this is a very unpredictable precarious situation here, and really i think it could go either way. I don't think that him being at your place is the really best scenario. Give him some space in a kind and loving way, and let it play out. I would not press him and quiz him and force any issues right now. time will tell.

[26pointblue]

I guess my advice would be to stay realistic, try to focus on yourself & your own life as much as possible instead of him too much, & try not to pressure him.

 

I was not good at doing any of these things. The first time my xMM separated from his wife, the scenario was so similar to yours. I had gotten tired of his waffling, didn't want to 'make' him leave & thought that if he was going to leave, it had to be on his own, without me making him, & I truly didn't think he would do that. I was just tired of it all & I cut things off with him for my own sanity's sake. That's when he moved out.

 

It didn't turn out well for us. It was like he had moved out just so he could keep seeing me & that's what I required of him, but not because he was really truly ready on his own . . . so, it was the same as if I had 'made' him move out or gave him an ultimatum, & that really wasn't my intent, for the exact reason of what ended up happening.

 

I don't know what will happen with you & your guy. Mine waffled, stayed stuck on the fence, did the bare minimum that both his wife & I required of him to keep seeing both of us. Yeah, he had moved out, but he was a shellshocked, confused mess . . . so, things were much less 'fun' than when he was at home . . . & he was still very much married & very much involved in the affair with me. At that time I learned that 'moved out' or 'separated' does NOT equal divorced or even heading for divorce, pending divorce, etc. etc. etc. It sometimes is just what they do to keep seeing us while staying married. I hope this is not your case, I hope your guy does what it takes to get divorced & be with you, but, I just wanted to share my experience.

 

I found I was not good at not pressuring him & keeping my distance. I felt anxious & worried about everything, I wanted things to happen faster, I became scared that he wouldn't do what was necessary or would just do it for me & then resent me [ALL of my worried fears ended up coming true -- so, I guess, listen to your gut.]

 

I'm sorry I'm not sure of your story - does your MM's wife know about you? I wonder b/c in my case what eventually happened after he moved out was that I felt bad/frustrated because he was still sneaking around behind his wife's back - telling me he didn't want to be with her anymore & acting like we were a real couple, yet clearly telling her something different to make her think there was still hope, & not disclosing to her the full extent of his relationship with me [she knew about me due to a D-Day but I think he was telling her he just wanted to get his head together & wasn't with me - I know he was lying to her about spending all his time with me etc.] I began to feel like a dishonest person & began to see him as dishonest person & I thought, if we were really & truly together as a couple & he was divorcing, I could do this, no matter how hard it is, but at this point he's still half-in, half-out, & it's not worth it. [Yes, I was selfish through & through.] So the cycle repeated where I told him I couldn't do this anymore, I needed him to make his own decisions & not have me give him ultimatums, & that what we were doing to his wife wasn't fair.

 

Of course then I stupidly started seeing him all over again after he had moved back home . . . I guess I still missed him, & it was easier that way, & part of me was self-destructive in going back to him after he had already hurt me, thinking maybe this time things would turn out differently, & he could be an honest man . . . all the while staying just as dishonest as he was. It was a mess for me & I guess I'm just trying to share so that you can NOT follow in my footsteps. I say don't participate in his dishonesty, don't lower yourself to that, let him figure out his mess & make his own decisions & although moving out seems like a step forward, sometimes it can result in showing you that everything is still oh so wrong, but, I'm sure it can also result in showing you that he really does want to be with you & is doing whatever is necessary . . . which I believe making a quick & as-honest-as-possible exit from his marriage, without unnecessarily hurting & stringing along you & his wife. That didn't happen in my case but I hope it's what happens in yours. :-) Best wishes . . . stay focused on yourself & what you want, as much as possible under the circumstances.

[spice4life]

Yeah, I agree with the others, tough spot fo sure. The only thing you can do is guard your heart as much as you possibly can and be patient. Best of luck to you. Vent here as much as possible to keep things in perspective. I wish I had more wisdom to offer, but I've never been in your shoes, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like. (((Hugs)))

[Gentlegirl]

Hi Cup,

 

Wow that must have hit you between the eyes!

 

I think you should be prepared for lots of consequences following the actions MM has taken.

 

Has he really thought about this, or was it a knee jerk reaction to your ultimatum? He could easily end up going home .

 

There will no doubt be backlash from his wife and family. It's a shame that you could be in the middle of it all while he is living at your place. So much better if he dealt with all that somewhere else.

 

Anything could happen... just be prepared for a bumpy ride. If he goes home, you will beback where you started, if he doesn't, then there will be a lot of issues to be dealt with, including his wife.

 

All the Best,

 

Gentlegirl

 

p.s. That ALMOST happened to me and now nearly a year later, I thank my guardian angels that it didn't

[jwi71]

So I decided I wasn't going to wait to the deadline I gave my mm of oct 1.st. I had pretty much decided he was playing me with his talk of leaving and honestly was sick of the feelings I had every night. I finally really went nc, blocked all communication. He left her that day.

 

It was hard. I was so geared up for nc..we talked and he's been @ my place the last two days. He's been very quiet, not as happy as usual, we don't talk about the break up or even where to go from here. He is basically in a state of shock. I feel horrible. He has no plans atm that I know of for his next move, for all I know he is in such regret he will be back with her tonight. I don't know what to do. How do I help him? He just up and left his entire life.

 

What do I do? I don't want to push him too soon asking what his next move is, where is he going to go..etc. I know he needs time to digest what he's done. But what do I do?

 

I perused your story and yup, you're in a helluva bad place.

 

Issue one is his lack of plans.

Issue two is his mood and attitude.

Issue three is what you describe as him just up and leaving "his entire life".

 

All I will say to #1 above is if he wanted out he would have plans and hell, already be out. He didn't choose that. For all we known his W caught him and tossed him out. Sorry, but someone looking to get out actually does so.

 

Number two, related to one, implies he didn't leave of his own choice. He was compelled to leave...by who is an interesting but inconsequential question. Point is, he only left when forced. He is not likely to be happy about that.

 

Three is also not a positive sign. Its hard to leave one's entire life for an unknown - and that's you. And by this I mean neither of you truly KNOW the other. That takes YEARS. So he left his entire unhappy - yet known and comfortable life - for you.

 

And because someone FORCED him to (his view).

 

And I'm willing to bet no one REALLY knows you exist....have you met his family? Siblings? Children?

 

And they are important because their WILL be fallout.

And you are not likely to come out of this looking good.

 

Which will be yet another strain.

 

My advice?

 

Tell him to leave. Time for him to START the D process, get his own accounts, get his own place and work through his D. You CANNOT be his therapist AND his GF.

 

In many ways...you are back to NC.

 

If it means anything, I WANTED my D and it still took me 18 months (with IC) to recover from it all. And during that time, I tried to have GF's...failed each time due to my emotional unavailability. Not saying he will need 18 months - saying he needs time ALONE.

 

So...kick him out and transition to open dating.

 

And GUARD YOUR HEART. It gets worse before it gets better.

[alexandria35]

I perused your story and yup, you're in a helluva bad place.

 

Issue one is his lack of plans.

Issue two is his mood and attitude.

Issue three is what you describe as him just up and leaving "his entire life".

 

All I will say to #1 above is if he wanted out he would have plans and hell, already be out. He didn't choose that. For all we known his W caught him and tossed him out. Sorry, but someone looking to get out actually does so.

 

Number two, related to one, implies he didn't leave of his own choice. He was compelled to leave...by who is an interesting but inconsequential question. Point is, he only left when forced. He is not likely to be happy about that.

 

Three is also not a positive sign. Its hard to leave one's entire life for an unknown - and that's you. And by this I mean neither of you truly KNOW the other. That takes YEARS. So he left his entire unhappy - yet known and comfortable life - for you.

 

And because someone FORCED him to (his view).

 

And I'm willing to bet no one REALLY knows you exist....have you met his family? Siblings? Children?

 

And they are important because their WILL be fallout.

And you are not likely to come out of this looking good.

 

Which will be yet another strain.

 

My advice?

 

Tell him to leave. Time for him to START the D process, get his own accounts, get his own place and work through his D. You CANNOT be his therapist AND his GF.

 

In many ways...you are back to NC.

 

If it means anything, I WANTED my D and it still took me 18 months (with IC) to recover from it all. And during that time, I tried to have GF's...failed each time due to my emotional unavailability. Not saying he will need 18 months - saying he needs time ALONE.

 

So...kick him out and transition to open dating.

 

And GUARD YOUR HEART. It gets worse before it gets better.

 

Agreed. Not good that he just up and walked out one day. Sounds like he arrived on your doorstep with pretty much nothing but the clothes on his back. He should have planned it better than that but that being said, since his deadline for leaving was just a little over a month away, one would think that he would already have somewhat of a plan in place. Since he is so unprepared that indicates that he was never actually working towards leaving in the first place, just as you suspected.

 

Does he have children? If so, then he really needs to get out of your place. He needs a place to visit his children and the kids need to see where their father went.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, I don't agree with a concern that he's been FORCED to leave. He wasn't and sometimes we as humans resist change until we can resist it no more. If this is him prioritising based on your feelings and decision then so be it. You certainly didn't kidnap him.

 

How's it going?

[fooled once]

So I decided I wasn't going to wait to the deadline I gave my mm of oct 1.st. I had pretty much decided he was playing me with his talk of leaving and honestly was sick of the feelings I had every night. I finally really went nc, blocked all communication. He left her that day.

 

It was hard. I was so geared up for nc..we talked and he's been @ my place the last two days. He's been very quiet, not as happy as usual, we don't talk about the break up or even where to go from here. He is basically in a state of shock. I feel horrible. He has no plans atm that I know of for his next move, for all I know he is in such regret he will be back with her tonight. I don't know what to do. How do I help him? He just up and left his entire life.

 

What do I do? I don't want to push him too soon asking what his next move is, where is he going to go..etc. I know he needs time to digest what he's done. But what do I do?

 

Why in the world are you letting him stay at your home???? Tell him to figure it out and to find a place to stay. Did he leave or did she kick him out? IF he left on his own, why is he in a state of shock?

 

What do you do? You push him to leave and tell him to figure out what he is doing and to call you AFTER he has figured it out. Don't be his 'soft place' to land. Sounds like he is using you until he can decide if he wants his marriage to work or not. That isn't fair to you at ALL.

 

Since he isn't talking about it, you really have NO idea what happened.

 

Very confusing that he won't talk about it; that to me is a HUGE red flag.

 

Hope you are prepared because I think he only left because of the ultimateum and the NC you were trying to do. I think he has no idea what he is doing and will end up back with his wife. Didn't he just return from a vacation with her??

[whichwayisup]

OP, I don't agree with a concern that he's been FORCED to leave. He wasn't and sometimes we as humans resist change until we can resist it no more. If this is him prioritising based on your feelings and decision then so be it. You certainly didn't kidnap him.

 

How's it going?

 

If he was 'ready' to leave, then he wouldn't be in a state of shock and acting like he is. He would be totally happy and enthralled by now having his OW full time.

 

And, no one knows for sure how things went down. Did he confess, tell his wife that he met someone else and is moving out? OR did she bust him and throw him out? He didn't come with bags packed (unless the OP just didn't add that bit of detail when he came to her house) and suitcases etc..

 

No she didn't kidnap him, but people react and do things without thinking when they get desparate and feel like they're losing someone.

 

Either way, she needs to protect her heart during this process. The ride has just begun and it's no where near smooth sailing into a new life together.

[Silly_Girl]

If he was 'ready' to leave, then he wouldn't be in a state of shock and acting like he is. He would be totally happy and enthralled by now having his OW full time.

 

You're wrong.

[Anna-Belle]

If he was 'ready' to leave, then he wouldn't be in a state of shock and acting like he is. He would be totally happy and enthralled by now having his OW full time.

 

It's only natural to grieve the end of a relationship. A man would be heartless to just jump into the next relationship with no feelings of grief at all.

[gamsamppis]

it is sound well i contrive it can be still more intelligent if someone desire require changes. rn rnthose are capacious games i always act to save with tongue in cheek you can check this also

 

îùç÷éí àåï ìééï

áàáì èøàáì 2 | îùç÷é áøáé | áàáì èøàáì 2

[White Flower]

Cup,

 

Wow, so many similarities to my own story it's uncanny, down to an October 1 leaving date a year ago.

 

I'm pleased to see so many good replies here from OP to BS alike. Many are spot on while others only hit the tip of the iceberg. I especially relate to 26pointblue's story with all the waffling and hedging that happened there. There are many reasons this happens, none of which usually have anything to do with loving the BS.

 

Do they tell the BS they still love them? Sure they do, especially given the sometimes unidentified reasons for their struggle with leaving. That struggle could be indicative of fear of change, fear of identity loss, fear of looking like a failure. In the meantime, until they can overcome their internal struggle, (whatever that is), the key to being welcome in the marital home is "I love you". It's very sad that this phrase is so often believed. Yet, I understand both why the false declaration is used and why it is believed at the time.

 

And the same key is used to keep the door open with the OP. The L word is more believable in this scenario because of the great risk the MP took in order to be with them. One doesn't take great risks for mediocrity.

 

Internal struggles for the MP can run deep and be almost unbearable for the one who is struggling.; for example, what if the MP and his BW are co-dependent of each other? This does happen and while romantic love could have died decades ago the co-dependency still remains long after. In this scenario, which is not rare among older couples, how then does the MM shift that co-dependency onto his OW, especially given that he's always praised her for being independent, strong, capable, inspirational, etc., then have to admit to her when he moves in there were actually aspects of the co-dependent lifestyle that he always bitched about that really suited him? There is the struggle of dealing with admitting WHO HE REALLY IS on top of the struggle of giving up the co-dependent partner (who again he probably doesn't love, just thinks he needs).

 

In light of this single scenario, one can come to understand it is not always so cut and dry to D and start over. If it could always be so easy as "I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving and by God it's going to be a smooth transition!" Doesn't usually happen that way, sadly.

 

Cup, I'm hoping to hear updates so please keep posting.

[whichwayisup]

You're wrong.

 

You are entitled to your opinion. But to just say "you're wrong" and not say anything else, as to why you think I'm wrong, seems petty.

 

It's only natural to grieve the end of a relationship. A man would be heartless to just jump into the next relationship with no feelings of grief at all.

 

Oh of course it is. And this is why (in my opinion) it's a mistake for him to immediately move in with his OW. But, if this man was truly ready to leave and divorce his wife, he wouldn't be in a state of shock. Sure, he'd be grieving and hurting, that's to be expected, but not acting like how the OP has described. Sullen, quiet and not talkative. (ALL the more reason for him not to live there right now)

 

The affair dynamic hasn't had a chance to change on it's own. The lying, sneaking around, the pain involved and now boom! This guy moves out and straight into the arms of his OW. It isn't healthy at all. They need to 'date' and get to know eachother in different dynamic since the circumstances has changed. It would be easier for both of them if he stayed with a friend, a sibling if he has any, or another family member.

[bentnotbroken]

It's only natural to grieve the end of a relationship. A man would be heartless to just jump into the next relationship with no feelings of grief at all.

 

 

It is natural:confused:......hmmmm, not for everyone. And yes there are some heartless SOB's out there, as proven by the ability to live double lives.

[Silly_Girl]

You are entitled to your opinion. But to just say "you're wrong" and not say anything else, as to why you think I'm wrong, seems petty.

 

I'll be sure to remember that tip.

 

I didn't expand, I genuinely believed you knew to the contrary. You know about people. You don't expect someone to be doing cartwheels the day they leave their spouse.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Silly_Girl

[woinlove]

I'll be sure to remember that tip.

 

I didn't expand, I genuinely believed you knew to the contrary. You know about people. You don't expect someone to be doing cartwheels the day they leave their spouse.

 

SG, recently, it seems you are only here to snipe at others and belittle their input. No one mentioned cartwheels. wwiu was distinquishing between the state of shock and disorientation that cups describes MM being in with the state of grief and disappointment that someone who has decided to end their M would be expected to be in. That is useful input for cups as she is trying to figure out what to do and if she can help MM.

[Silly_Girl]

SG, recently, it seems you are only here to snipe at others and belittle their input. No one mentioned cartwheels. wwiu was distinquishing between the state of shock and disorientation that cups describes MM being in with the state of grief and disappointment that someone who has decided to end their M would be expected to be in. That is useful input for cups as she is trying to figure out what to do and if she can help MM.

 

Distinguishing how? WWIU was saying the guy shouldn't be so upset. Why shouldn't he? This is serious stuff. I'd be more worried about his state of mind if he acted like this was a regular day in the life... I was a little surprised that WWIU expected the guy to be in a more positive frame of mind.

 

As for for my posting style, there's no change. I don't have any beef with WWIU.

[woinlove]

Distinguishing how? WWIU was saying the guy shouldn't be so upset. Why shouldn't he? This is serious stuff. I'd be more worried about his state of mind if he acted like this was a regular day in the life... I was a little surprised that WWIU expected the guy to be in a more positive frame of mind.

 

As for for my posting style, there's no change. I don't have any beef with WWIU.

 

Distinquishing as in her words below:

 

But, if this man was truly ready to leave and divorce his wife, he wouldn't be in a state of shock. Sure, he'd be grieving and hurting, that's to be expected, but not acting like how the OP has described. Sullen, quiet and not talkative. (ALL the more reason for him not to live there right now)

 

Perhaps you are still referring to her first post which described someone who was ready to move on. In any case, there is lots there to discuss - are there signs MM hasn't made a firm decision in his mind, a decision he is comfortable with. If he has made a firm decision, does he have room for a positive interaction with cups or is he consumed with grief, guilt, whatever and needs time on his own, with family and therapy. Cups has to try to figure out what state MM is because if he is in a state where he hasn't really made a firm decision, that has the potential to cause her enormous grief and she should focus more on her own needs then, rather than on MM's.