Is my relationship dying or is there's hope? I TRULY need some advice. (A bit long)

[Jenny87]

Hello!

 

Well, I have never tried getting relationship advice on the internet, but I am very sad an desperate lately...

 

My boyfriend and I have only been together for about 8 months. When we first started dating everything was basically perfect, I know it usually is when you start a new relationship, but this was definitely something else. Especially because I was almost 100% sure that no one would ever appeal to me the way my ex did... But after a year of being single and liking practically no one, this new guy appeared and it was amazing.

 

I'm going to tell the story about the one BAD thing that has happened between us, because maybe it will help understand better where I am coming from:

 

The thing is, it had been about a month and a half since we started dating and one very drunk night he cheated on me with his ex. He had never done this before in his life (he truly is not the cheating type, his past relationships have been very long and formal) and it was SO incredibly painful even though we were just "starting". I know what most people say: "WHY DIDN'T YOU DUMP HIM?" or "Once a cheater, always a cheater", but I know for a fact that cheating does not mean you're "that kind of person" automatically, there ARE exceptions too. I was very angry and I did think of leaving him right away, I even considered doing the same thing to him, but many things happened and I just stayed focused and didn't do anything stupid. First, I remembered that I also cheated on a boyfriend of mine a few years ago and I am NOT the kind of person that cheats. I believe in committed, honest relationships, etc. But I made a terrible mistake and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I was sorry... My ex forgave me back then and I learned my lesson. This has never happened again.

 

Thinking about my own mistakes I realized that maybe breaking up with my current bf was not the answer. I found out details, he told me the entire truth even the hurtful parts, he also swore that he did not love her and had not loved her for quite a while and that he regretted what happened more than anything in his life (he was extremely drunk and it is not an excuse, but even friends that are also friends of his ex sort of "sided" with him a bit, saying that he did wrong but was indeed SORRY and that he loved me and not her). I emailed his ex (I did not insult her, I just expressed myself in a very educated way) and she emailed me back saying some stupid things and other nasty things as well. I DO NOT justify his actions by saying she's a horrible person, because he was a huge jerk, but I also found out that she did, in fact, had been acting completely stupid and sort of crazy since she found out he was falling for me, she even told him (and this I have evidence of) how she could not stand that he was being so great to me and that he stopped smoking because of me, etc... She felt selfish and envious, her ego got hurt because he stopped paying attention to her (they were sort of like "friends" after they broke up) and tried to hurt him and destroy what he was building with me (hell, the girl didn't even want to get back together :S she did blame him though and acted like a victim). He had a long relationship with her and they had been separated for about 4 months when we first met... He told me she dumped him and hurt him in many ways (and didn't support him when he most needed her), and in the end she did turn out to be a b**ch. A part of me feels it was his absurd masculine "ego" that did everything, after all, that last time he got to dump HER for good (mature, huh?).

 

Anyway, he asked for my forgiveness and I swear I have never seen anyone apologize like that. She tried to apologize to him a couple of weeks later (after dropping her victim act) for "dragging him" into such a douche-y behavior, but he told her he never wanted her in his life again. They haven't seen or talked to each other since.

 

After that, things were hard, but little by little he made all this efforts to make everything better. Even though he made that horrible mistake, he is by far the best boyfriend I've ever had (and I have a nice view of most of my exs). Things got better even though many times we had fights over the topic... The level of commitment grew between us and we basically became best friends. My family loves him as do my friends and viceversa. Still, I am a person who tends to OBSESS (and I really mean that) over the bad stuff, especially ex gf issues, I am the jealous type and he gave me every reason to not trust him. I trust him a LOT more now, but it's still hard.

 

Done with that part of the story, ok now...

 

About two months ago, he went on a working trip for a month (a VERY tough month for him, since he barely sleeps sometimes due to the amount of work he gets) and I missed him a LOT, etc. But I didn't dwell on the thought too much because I was just finishing my thesis and that got me busy all the time. But to my awful surprise (and his) when he returned I felt so disconnected from him... Everything was fine before he left! I do not know what happened to me. I feel more numb now, and I'm afraid I may be falling out of love? Also, this happened about 6 months after he cheated and things were better between us (truly!).

 

He was SO happy to see me and I was happy too, but a bit more indifferent. he brought me such cute gifts and showed me photos of the places he'd seen, I met most of his co-workers so I heard some funny stories, etc. But still, I kept feeling like in a trance every now and then.

 

He treats me amazing and says he loves me more than anything, he's a good boyfriend and a good friend. I still like him, I still find him attractive, I still miss him and I still get jealous... Also, when I imagine myself breaking up with him I just get sad. But at the same time, there's an indifference I can't understand, I get angry over stupid things and criticize him a lot, as if I were looking for an excuse to break up when there's actually nothing truly wrong going on, it's not even about the mistake he made when we started dating, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't think that is the entire problem. What is happening to me?!

 

I do not want to break up, there's so much potential between us... And we've been through very dark times, yes, but the rest of the things that bind us together are wonderful. I don't understand why I am feeling like this all of a sudden and it's making me terribly sad.

Edited August 26, 2011 by Jenny87
More details to my story.

[SelfControl]

Jenny...let's see if we can get to the bottom of this.

 

First of all, how old are the two of you? Also, at what point did you two become bf and gf, meaning when did the two of you became exclusive?

 

I ask about the bf/gf timing because if you weren't bf/gf when he was with his ex that's not cheating. It's not right, but it's not cheating. You have to be exclusive to be cheating.

 

Now, let's move on to your interest in him. A woman starts out grading her interest in a guy when she frist meets him. As time goes on he either does things to raise her interest or lower her interest. One of the most important factors in a woman's interest in a man is her ability to trust him. Whether he technically cheated or not, your trust in him was broken in your mind. Therefore, subconsciously I say your interest in him has been dwindling in him little by little out of resentment despite that things seem to be getting better. On top of the resentment, he is treating you well, which is great, but is getting boring. This means he is not being a challenge anymore, which also lowers your interest. And, finally, there was a month of distance between you recently that gave you time to continue building up you resentment until your interest in him is hovering around the tipping point, meaning to where you don't want to continue seeing. And, since you are so close to that point, you are subconsciously trying to come up with things to break up with him or treat him so poorly that he will break up with you. Yes, you will be sad if you are successful in that, but deep down you know you are not interested in him anymore.

 

Take a minute to ask your self this question. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how would your rank your interest in your boyfriend? If you rank it 5 or higher, then carry on the relationship by letting go of the so called 'cheating' and focus on how he is treating you. In fact, how he is treating you, i.e. his actions towards you, like planning dates, showing up on time, being affectionate, etc., should be how you judge how much he likes you. If he is treating you well like that, be thankful and appreciative. If you rank your interest as 4 or below, then do yourself a favor and breakup with him rather than pick fights or criticize him to get him to break up with you. Trust me, picking fights and criticizing him will scare his ego and confidence for his next relationship, and I trust that you care enough about him to at least spare him of that.

 

As a disclaimer, there are many opinions on LS. This is just one of them. Please take them all into consideration and do what you think is best. It's very easy to come on here and read a response and think it is the answer you are looking for only to regret that you didn't go with what you think is best.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are DATING.

 

He failed the audition.

 

Next him.

 

Sorry hun.

 

These things go down hill and crater when they mess up this early in the game.

[Jenny87]

Hello, SelfControl. Well, I'm 23 and he's 26. And I've already had two serious relationships before him, I got involved in "seriousness" too young maybe, I did date other people, but I'm more inclined to get serious when I TRULY like someone. He's also had very serious relationships in the past before... And yes, a lot of people say this, but he's very mature for his age. I even joke about it with my friends, how he seems to be ahead of his years (he's been through a lot, even for a young adult, and so have I).

 

I mean it when I say he's awesome, but yes, he made a big mistake. We were exclusive when that happened, we had decided to become exclusive about 2 weeks before. I do agree with you on the "not being a challenge anymore" part, I am a person who tends to get bored easily and sometimes I regain interest out of the blue, it's very weird. If I had to be completely honest with the rating part... When we started it was a 10, after the cheating and things got better it was an 8-9. Right NOW, I'd say it's somewhere between 6-7 on the scale... 6.5 most of the time, but still, it has changed. I do want to wait it out a bit and also put some effort on my side. I haven't been acting so comprehensive either.

 

I truly appreciate your advice, it's very honest and neutral. I will definitely think things through!

[Jenny87]

Hey dreamingoftigers! I know what you mean, I really do. But in my experience cheating or making mistakes (at least significant ones) are way worse when you're in a long term relationship... I mean, when you have a history together, you've been through countless things together (good and bad) and built something strong as a couple, cheating is way more painful and devastating, even though it does not feel "better" the other way either. This is how I feel about it, I know it's not the same for everyone.

 

I did break up with him for a little while after the cheating took place and even though it sounds weird, it felt wrong. I'm not a needy person and I don't depend on my romantic partner, so it has nothing to do with that either. IF things keep feeling like this after a while, I will probably end it. But I can't see my world as "black" or "white", there are some grays in between. Thanks for your reply, I also take your opinion in mind, I just don't think "nexting" him right away after 8 months together is too fair for me or for him, after all, I do love him still and he *has* been a great bf in spite of the stupid/hurtful mistake.

[threebyfate]

If the cheating was forgiven and forgotten, why did you mention it in your post? The human mind does weird and wonderful things.

 

Relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect and love. While you may still love him, a part of you lost trust and respect and detached.

[Jenny87]

No, no. I know that! A part of me has not let go of that, I practically hate his ex and even obsess about her (this has happened A LOT to me in the past, I hate it).

 

I just want to let go of it, actually FORGIVE him 100%... I respect him, I don't treat him horribly or insult him and I admire him as an artist and a person (we're both artists and he has also taught me a lot). I wish to regain the huge interest I had when we met (I know it won't be the same, with or without cheating, people change when they get to know each other better and you sort of get "used" to them, but you know what I mean).

 

I'm not very good at letting go, the past haunts me SO MUCH and this is not new to me... I just want to learn how to do this and be happy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hun,

 

You like him but know damn well what he is capable of.

You can't stretch that back under only 8 months of history.

 

I never had a man that would pull that so quick in.

 

I got married when I was your age and my husband was your bf's age.

 

3 years later I found out about his cheating at 8 months pregnant.

 

If I ever for two seconds thought that he would do that in dating stage, I wouldn't have stayed two seconds more.

 

Your forgiveness, sorry to say, is kind if irrelevant. If he's the type to do a drunken cheat with the horrible ex under virtually ant circumstance at 8 months into a relationship: imagine what the rest of your life is going to look like.

 

Seriously, you want a crystal ball? Read up on more forum threads.

 

I hate to sound like Queen Bitch, but cheaters lie, and liars often cheat. And you are 23. Get with someone more with it before you settle down.

[dreamingoftigers]

Want a past that doesn't haunt you?

 

Find someone that will build a better past with you!

 

8 months is not enough to determine if someone is the "cheating type" unless he cheated on you!

 

Sorry to sound so partisan. What I wouldn't give to erase the stupidity from my current life. How hard does one need to impress upon you?

 

Run run with your youth and dignity intact.

 

Lose the obsessive thoughts along with it.

 

Come now, what does your gut say?

How has your stomach been when he tried to be intimate with you? Does you thought pattern interfere? Come now...

[Jenny87]

Cheating once in your life doesn't make you a cheater and liar forever, good people make mistakes too. Like I said, I cheated on someone and made bad decisions as well, someone I loved very much in the past and I am not a cheater nor a liar... Not everyone is the same. Some people change, others never learn. And he told me the truth right away, he said everything, maybe it doesn't mean much to some people, but honesty (even if you're confessing something awful) does count in my book.

 

I don't think you're being mean or anything, but you are being extreme because you talk like everyone out there is the same. No person is the same as the other, nor are relationships... So, I cheated, does this mean I will again and lie about it? It depends entirely on me and I did learn from what I did in the past.

 

One mistake versus hundreds of good actions (he has been there for me in horrible times like only my best friend or mother have been), he supports me and helps me with my projects, he takes care of me, has a great relationship with my family (and they know what happened, it took them quite a while to accept him again), etc. I'm not justifying, really, but he's not a bad person nor a liar. He f**cked up (excuse my french), but so have I and I'm not better or worse than him because of it.

 

Saying "Yeah, I will just find someone else" is kind of insensitive. If we break up, yeah, I will probably date someone else eventually, but I love him and appreciate what we have, otherwise I wouldn't be trying to fix my side of things ('cause God knows he has been trying his best as well). The past haunts me since my first relationship, I cling to bad experiences and that is something I have to work on wether I am single or not, because it's an issue I've always had even without cheating in the picture. :s

 

He cheated on me when we started dating, I'd known him for about a month and a half... And I too felt attraction towards my ex still, I was afraid of doing something stupid but in the end nothing happened (unfortunately, he was the one who did it). I can't explain why, but I do believe that cheating when you truly know someone and love them and have been together for a long time is more hurtful. I just want to try and get over it, and it would be nice if I can accomplish that without breaking up with him. I don't cry over the subject anymore and it's not something I remember everyday, but it still bothers me from time to time. I just want that to stop.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's kinda what I've been trying to say.... It doesn't really stop.

 

At that point you have so little untainted history.

[Jenny87]

My father started dating my mother about a year his first marriage was over, his divorce wasn't final yet (took a while) but they had ended things. My mom is extremely overprotective of her children and she's a woman who truly knows a thing of two about life... I'm very close with her and told her about this when it happened, knowing her as well as I do I thought I knew EXACTLY what she would say: "Dump him. Now."

 

But to my surprise, we had a very long conversation, she asked me so many things, we shared personal experiences, etc. And then I asked her: "Has this ever happened to you?" and she said: "It did, at the very beginning of my relationship with your dad." I could NOT believe it. It was a sad story and totally unexpected and I asked her: "How the hell did you forgive him?!".

 

She said: "Well, his actions were bad and his ex was even worse. But time passed and many things changed, he changed, I did too. I gave him a second chance just to try... Eventually we just ended up loving each other more and appreciating what we had, he never came close to doing that and we had you." They separated 20 yrs later (reasons completely different from this topic and they remain friends), yet she still says he's the man she truly loved in her life and that she will always appreciate their time together, he feels the same.

 

I just can't believe that you're saying no one in the world can get over something like this, that love and a little effort cannot mend things sometimes. Perhaps I'm sounding naive? But I assure you, I've lived through hard stuff as well even though I'm so young... I don't know how it is between you and your husband, I hope you're happy in spite of what happened. So if a person makes a bad choice in their life, you're saying there's no way to redeem themselves at all? :/

[dreamingoftigers]

No. I am saying that relationships opennthe door to the greatest risks.

 

We can bet our money, our house, our car etc. They can be replaced.

 

When we bet our hearts, minds and sexual intimacy on someone, the odds must be the absolute fantastic best that they can be. Because frankly life has a way of slowly wearing things away if we aren't careful.

 

Cheating rips away at things. Even things we think are okay, the foundation can erode. Trust, wondering etc.

 

How is your stomach around him?

 

That's the number one. I swear by it.

 

Any happiness I have after the things that happened are at long last and was fought hard for. I do not peg any happiness on how my relationship is doing. It is not an easy task for a young mother to go through.

 

Strongly I don't recommend continuing to date someone with that blot in your history, whatever his reformed attitude may be. The odds are considerably lower, the taint in the history already there, and him showing his capability under pressure.

 

Had you had a longer history together, a marriage or a child I would suggest weigh so so so carefully before tossing it out. But here lies this blot without cause or history. Seems an awful investment to live with the feelings of being cheated on.

 

And with so much youth left to find better odds.

[Jenny87]

I understand what you're saying, but (and here's goes my cliché of the night) time can also be irrelevant. I've lived more with him (experiences, etc) than I did with a former ex (a relationship that lasted a little more than 2 years). My stomach around him is fine, I don't feel weird at all... I don't know if that's bad? :/

 

Yes, the picture is not as pretty and perfect as it once was, but it's not damaged forever... I mean it when I say, I'm not the type of girl to forgive such things, so please believe me that if I'm putting an effort to be with him it's only because a) I love him b) he has demonstrated being a bigger human being and that he is not to be defined only by the mistake he made. He's not under pressure perse either, he was for a couple of months, after that things just got normal. My problem now is that I feel a bit more detached and I don't like it, because the good feelings are there, but sometimes I block myself out (another thing I do a lot since I can remember).

 

Something inside me, a voice or whatever you want to call it, keeps reminding me that throwing the relationship away is not right, it doesn't feel right, at least not now. :s

Edited August 27, 2011 by Jenny87

[dreamingoftigers]

My h and I literally were together 24/7 for the first two years of our relationship.

 

Stomach being settled around your bf is not a bad thing.

 

My stomach was so bad around h that I couldn't sleep for two years. Every time I got the flip-flop in my stomach, it pretty much correlated with his behaviours that he kept hidden.

 

Just pay attention to any signs your body might give you. You might be able to rationalize it. But your gut knows. Your unconscious will pick up a problem before the rest of you does.

[Jenny87]

Yes, you're right about that. People do "feel" things before they happen or WHILE they're happening most of the time, it's odd, but real. I know it's a risk, but I also know I won't be with this confusion forever... I mean, we both talked about it and want to try to fix things for good, if it does not work out in the end, hey at least we tried right?

 

I wish the bad things never happened, even though I don't entirely regret it (it's sounds awful, but I learned A LOT from it. Among the things I sadly learned was to know how bad it feels to do what I once did as well :/). If we fix it, it would be awesome, even if we break up 5 years from now for some random reason or we stay together, at least I will look back and say: "I was stronger than this and I won this horrible battle".

 

I do tend to trust my heart most of the time (always considering the rational part of course, but like you said: your gut knows).

[dreamingoftigers]

I learned a lot too. That is the part I don't regret.

 

No kids for awhile yet though, okay?

 

Seems you've made your chouce though.

[Jenny87]

I appreciate all the advice I can get, deep down I guess we all know what we want?

 

No, no kids or wedding soon, trust me. Even if it were "perfect" between us I'm not ready for that just yet, I still gotta grow on many levels before I commit to someone for the rest of my life. If it happens with him it will only be for the right reasons...

 

My question is though... After getting so hurt by your H, did you love him again after that? Or you just got "used" to it? Do you believe in any advice as to how one can try and repair parts of a broken heart? I know it's hard and most of the time it might not work at all, but I still want to know what people think about this... Because I do want my relationship to work.

[dreamingoftigers]

Still love him, but feel like he "died" at the same time.

Will be leaving whilst still loving him. Just awful.

My daughter looks just like him.

 

The only thing I know that truly helped mend a broken heart was EMDR therapy to take away the imagery and sting of pain.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wonder almost every day how our family would have been and how much we would've loved each other through these early years of being parents together if he wouldn't have cheated.

[RainDown]

No, no. I know that! A part of me has not let go of that, I practically hate his ex and even obsess about her (this has happened A LOT to me in the past, I hate it).

 

I just want to let go of it, actually FORGIVE him 100%... I respect him, I don't treat him horribly or insult him and I admire him as an artist and a person (we're both artists and he has also taught me a lot). I wish to regain the huge interest I had when we met (I know it won't be the same, with or without cheating, people change when they get to know each other better and you sort of get "used" to them, but you know what I mean).

 

I'm not very good at letting go, the past haunts me SO MUCH and this is not new to me... I just want to learn how to do this and be happy.

 

Perhaps you are (wisely) reluctant to let go of this relationship because at the bottom of it all you realise that, yes, although your boyfriend made a terrible mistake, the real issue in getting past that mistake lies within you?

 

The passage I bolded above suggests to me that your boyfriend's actions with his ex triggered an issue within you; an issue that was present long before he was present in your life and an issue you have not come to grips with within yourself. Is it possible that your detachment occurred right at the time of the incident, as opposed to recently while your boyfriend was away? The reason I ask that is because I suspect the initial cheating was such a huge, traumatic trigger for you that you likely did not notice the subtle detachment that occurred at that time as well. Perhaps as time went on and you gained distance from the event the detachment only then became overtly apparent to you.

 

It sounds like you have accumulated a series of traumatic events and that what you are struggling with is much more than issues with this one man. It's possible you won't be able to wholeheartedly connect with your boyfriend (or maybe any man) until you've come to terms with these events that wounded you in the past.

 

Have you considered pursuing some counseling to help you sort out where to go from here with your personal growth?

 

You're young enough to be my daughter and I would hate to see her so conflicted. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best in sorting all this out.