keepdancin Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 After 8 years of being in a committed relationship (7.5 living together), I am moving out. Not because I want to but because I love him enough to respect his wishes to be alone and figure himself out. I take everything very seriously and look forward to having the experience of having a place all to my own. I looked hard, and found a beautiful apartment that I cannot wait to move into. I cannot imagine not sharing this experience with him. This all started (well I'm sure it actually most likely started years ago in some way or another) when we exchanged letters in which I professed that I loved him and would love to get married and have children and continue to have our beautiful lives together but felt like something was holding him back and he replied by saying he hadn't been honest and didn't really love me anymore. He hates his life and wants to find his passion, be a self sufficient human being. He is lost and he's only had 6 weeks of being single in the last 12 years and he is confused. He's 36 years old and I am 33. But, this makes me feel like this break/I am an experiment. "Maybe it will be better?" Really? Unfortunately, this experiment involves me packing up my sh*t and moving to another town. Not too far away. I live in an area that is connected by many bridges and essentially I am moving across the bridge. (I have read the GIGS article and it is right on target.) I'm not even clear about what he thinks will happen with us when I move. I could get into the details of our relationship, but that could take a ridiculously lengthy entry. Know that I trusted and believed in him to the point of which I thought we were the most fun, romantic, loyal partners one could find. People thought we were the neatest couple. We were lucky. We had our ups and downs, and I fear he thinks relationships should have no downs, while I believe that they ebb and flow and in the end, you want someone to ebb and flow with you. Mature love is better than erratic love. He is in a dark place which I understand he needs to figure out himself how to get out of, but I am becoming a casualty. I wanted to be there with him help him get to a life he loves... with me. If I may describe at least the last couple weeks. D-Day happened and we had an erratic week and a half while I would get drunk and yell at him. He would stay out with his "buddies" we would have crazy sex when he came home. Drama drama drama. I would cry hysterically in a separate room. I slept on the floor in a separate room. After the initial storm calmed, especially when I found a place to move into; when I signed a lease, dude seemed confused and feeling in love again. Now here's the kicker. He is going on a backpacking trip tomorrow until September 4th, the day I am moving into my new place. For the last 4 nights, we have been sleeping in bed together having amazing sex and conversations. It feels more like he is going to go on a long vacation and I am grieving that... which I know isn't right. Tonight is essentially our last night together. I signed my lease about 5 days ago and he is totally sweet to me although a bit guilty and sorry that all this is happening. It all feels so wrong. We are really good together. We help each other, have great sex, still talk for 5+hours into the night after 8 years, cook meals together, have fun. We were once even engaged (though that was broken off a year ago) and I have thought of marriage and children with him. I love him. My complaint is that I have felt neglected, only 80% loved. There is a part of him that just doesn't go vulnerable with me, doesn't just fall and do the "in love thing" while I think that all of that stuff is some of the best part of life. (And trust me, we have had some of the most romantic amazing adventures ever.) Do you think it is because he just never really had the time since being a teen to be single? Has he never built mature emotional muscles? Never had to count on himself to get through bad times, always had a girl, etc.? He thinks that he cannot actually be a good partner until he can figure himself out alone and in alot of ways I pine for this person: the person I have been with + time alone and figuring himself out, experiencing more life. A part of me believes that if I wait and go on in life for a few months, that if he figures himself out he will fill in the missing pieces of being able to fully love. Maybe he will then be filling those pieces and be everything I always wanted and have the courage and esteem to know that he is good enough for a beautiful relationship. Am I a fool? I am planning to go NC when he leaves on his trip and I am worried that it will shock him when he returns, that it will not be waht he expected. I think that he will try and contact me: text, chat, IM etc. like old times. It's like he doesn't really get the enormous impact he is making on my life in order to figure out his. But, if part of his "experience life/figure himself out" thing includes f*ing a lot of women and being stupid, then I will be crushed. I absolutely refuse to be on the back burner. I want to grow and become a better person out of all of this. Above all I want love and trust. I will not take breadcrumbs. I fear what his process may be and that it may involve a bunch of stupid "wooo I'm a single guy bachelor bull sh*t". Essentially, I love him and want to be with him forever. I know that both of us could actually really use a time apart before we commit to forever (I could use living on my own and he could use being single for a short while). But, I also really want to hold onto my dignity and be no puppet in his GIGS experiment. Should I just start making moves to leave completelly. Is GIGS worth waiting for? I would love any feedback. I have really loved reading through these forums over the last couple of weeks to get me through some obsessive thought/gah is anyone else feeling this stuff. Soooo good.
wilsonx Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 No more sex with him, breakup sex is the by far the best sex out of the relationship but it's also extremely manipulative for the dumper and mind screwing for the dumpee. Honestly, you need to NC and move on. Its never worth waiting around for a GIGS person because by the time they do finally make it back around, you will be on to bigger and better things. Also people do not have a concept but history repeats itself. There's the argument that people change but you can't change jumping from relationship to relationship. It takes a lot of time and self introspection for someone to even start to change If you haven't been reading too much into the forums, all GIGS related posts are because they think the grass is greener in another relationship, just not the one you are in. Not one person here has ever ended a long term relationship just to be single and find themself. Its bull****. Anyone that posts this in this forum is lying out their ass.
Author keepdancin Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Thank you so much for your reply Wilson. It's good to hear a response to my specific situation. I'm out now. Survived the night (no sex.) We said goodbye this morning. I'm at work and he will be leaving this afternoon. I will be packing all week and am glad he will be gone. I will be in my new place before he gets back. Even though it is the very beginning of my commitment to NC (4 hours lol) I can already see that it is the right thing to do. It will be difficult, but the hurting must stop. All morning I've been finding places online to change my address for credit cards, license, everything. I am looking forward to starting my new life (at the moment), and bracing myself for the emotional roller coaster that will be the next several months. You'll probably be seeing me a lot around here.
replicator Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I really commend you for being so strong and mature about this whole thing. One thing I've learned is that there is no 'fair' in love. It just is what it is. I don't think your boyfriend went into the relationship, and stayed together with you, for 8 years, knowing it would end this way. I'm sure it has to be difficult for him too. My ex left me after ten years, and I really took it hard. I just barely held it together, but finally after more than 3 years, I can look back and think - wow - what a great time we had together. I'm saddened that I lost her, but I know it was for the best. I can't even believe I am saying this, as I held onto this hope that somehow I'd get her back. Sometimes love blossomed into something more, and sometimes it withers away. Why? I don't know... But you know you had something great - but what if there is something better? You definitely deserve someone who is going to be there 100% for you, without a doubt. It'll be rough, but know that it will get better. I've survived, and so will you. It takes a long time, but it's not wasted time. Just be good to yourself, and be selfish for once. Now is the time for you to figure out what it is you want.
Recommended Posts