infidelity in the military

[exquisite]

hello.

 

i'm a military wife who's husband is in training right now. i have a little (or big) problem that i need some help with. i take care of the finances while he's away & recently, i've noticed some strange cell phone number on our phone bill that my husband keeps texting. it wouldn't be a big deal to me, except this only started a couple weeks ago. he's in training 24/7, so he spends all his time with his battle buddies. the only people he ever used to text or call was me & his family, or possibly some mutual friends of ours. but about 2 weeks ago, he started texting this number i haven't seen before, constantly, on a daily basis. in fact, during his free days, he texts this number early in the morning, before he even calls me. i found a reverse phone lookup online & i found out that the number belongs to a girl. my husband has cheated on me in the past, more than once, perhaps not physically, but certainly emotionally. & although i'm trying my best to ignore my crazy thoughts, all i can think about is that he's cheating. he texts this girl EVERY SINGLE DAY. other than me, she's the only one he contacts when he doesn't have the day off. i see absolutely no need to text someone that you spend every single day with..yet i have a definite feeling she's also in the military.

 

here's my question, how do you catch a cheating husband over long distance? it's gonna be a while until i can come live with him & frankly, this has been driving me insane. it's like this idea has planted itself in my head & it's all i ever think about. i love my husband very much, but since our situations in the past, i have a hard time trusting him. i've researched using cell phone spyware, but i wouldn't even know where to start. what are some good ones?

 

also, please, if you read this & would like to respond with judgement, keep it to yourself. i feel bad enough already to even consider this. but i feel like i don't have a choice. so unless you'd like to offer some helpful, friendly advice, dont bother wasting your time responding with judgement & anger.

 

i can tell you guys more details, need be. i just want to keep this short & sweet for now.

[seren]

You tell him what you have discovered and you ask him what is going on. You don't carry on regardless, you bring it out into the open and you think long and hard about what you need him and you to do to move forward.

 

My H was also in the miltary, had been for 26 years until he left a few months ago. I know that when you live apart the relationship becomes different to the norm, that you (the wife or sometimes husband) keep it all together while they are away. I also know that military life can cause a disconnection from what is real and that often the two lives can become adrift.

 

I moved to be with H when the A came to light, I gave up my house, friends and my career as my marriage meant more than all that and without H, my life was a half life anyway. That may be a scenario you need to look at.

 

I would look at what if's, what if there is an A, what if he doesn't want to give the OW up, what if I couldn't forgive and then I would go through what I needed to do next. I have never checked phones, installed keyloggers or any of that, without trust my marriage was nothing. Tackle it head on, get the answers you need, get him to take some leave, compassionate or otherwise and sort it out. Who the OW is, if there is one, is really not that important, that there is or might be one is.

[Owl]

Is this girl also military? In the same unit he's in?

 

Regardless...getting proof like that would be very difficult. Since you've got access to the bill...can you ask the cell phone provider to provide the actual texts to you?

 

Next question...what do you plan to do with the "proof"?

 

While I know that the military can and will deal with infidelity under the UCMJ, their definition probably doesn't include emotional affairs, only physical ones.

 

From my perspective...you know he's cheated on you (apparently a couple of times) in the past.

 

You've got sufficient "evidence" now for you to seek divorce/end the marriage. You don't have to "prove" anything in order to go that route.

 

And frankly...I don't believe that reconciliation is very likely possibility at all with a serial cheater.

 

What's your intent at this point...what do you plan on doing from here, if you do believe or "prove" that he's cheating again?

[sweetypielovely]

You know hes cheating. Hes caught. I dont know why you would even wanna stay with him anymore. I understand he cheated before and you obviously took him back last time. She could be someone local and that hes with frequently because your not there. I would straight up ask him whose number that is and tell him you know its a female up front and see what he says.

Id tell him it ends now or your filing for divorce.

[analystfromhell]

I'm an atheist so please don't take this as suggestion that god may be of help but do you have access to a military chaplain (as in a nearby base or post?). They are able to access their informal network and also to do quiet inquiries to the person's first sargeant who deal with this sort of thing all the time. It's done quietly and not in an incriminatory way unless things have already gotten out of hand on their end (the cheaters). If you can talk with the local chaplain and they are a not a evangelical (the catholic or jewish chaplains are a better option than the "christian" ones I'm sure they would be more than willing to talk with you and help you in anyway they can. This happens all the time for them; they are discrete and generally very good at it.

 

Most of the mobile options require you to have physical access to the phone so records might be the best available to you unless your contract is up for new phones soon (in which case you might send him a new present).

 

Very sorry to hear about this and your husband's past. Hope all turns out ok for you.

[exquisite]

m husband is military too ( canada) and he also had an affair with someone he works with.

 

To be quite frank, at least in our military, if two members who work together are in an affair, there may be some larger problems than there would be if the they weren't both military. To put it simply, my husband ( and her as well) came very close to being having charges laid on them or even being discharged altogether.

 

Don't know much about key loggers or other spyware, but I have heard that some of them border on being illegal ( no sure about this, but it's something you may want to look into a bit further).

 

sorry i couldn't offer more help....good luck, and i hope things work out for you

 

they say it works the same in the US military, however, i've been doing my research on the topic & apparently in a lot of cases, all the service members get is a slap on the wrist.

as for the legality thing, i'm trying to find the spyware that isn't illegal. many times, employers can download trackers onto their employees phones or parents can download something onto their kid's phones. i'm trying to be very careful about it...i DO NOT need jail time because my husband is acting suspicious lol.

 

Is this girl also military? In the same unit he's in?

 

Regardless...getting proof like that would be very difficult. Since you've got access to the bill...can you ask the cell phone provider to provide the actual texts to you?

 

Next question...what do you plan to do with the "proof"?

 

While I know that the military can and will deal with infidelity under the UCMJ, their definition probably doesn't include emotional affairs, only physical ones.

 

From my perspective...you know he's cheated on you (apparently a couple of times) in the past.

 

You've got sufficient "evidence" now for you to seek divorce/end the marriage. You don't have to "prove" anything in order to go that route.

 

And frankly...I don't believe that reconciliation is very likely possibility at all with a serial cheater.

 

What's your intent at this point...what do you plan on doing from here, if you do believe or "prove" that he's cheating again?

 

i've looked into it & i'm pretty sure the only way i would be able to get those texts would be if i was law enforcement...as much as i believe cheating is a severe crime, nobody would take me seriously lol. i actually found out about him cheating also while he was in basic, but we had only been married for a short time before then. he didn't cheat after we got married, though, as far as i know. he told me he never slept with the girl...but in my opinion, sex itself isn't the only way a person can cheat. so i told him while he was in basic that i'm done with games, i'm done with all the BS. & i really am. if i find out he's doing something, i told him i will leave him in a second. & for some odd reason, i always find out.

 

You know hes cheating. Hes caught. I dont know why you would even wanna stay with him anymore. I understand he cheated before and you obviously took him back last time. She could be someone local and that hes with frequently because your not there. I would straight up ask him whose number that is and tell him you know its a female up front and see what he says.

Id tell him it ends now or your filing for divorce.

 

he's in advanced training right now, so they're not allowed off-base & he lives in the dorms, so there's no way that she's local. however, to me it says more that these women are on the same base as him..they're probably in the same program. there is absolutely NO NEED for him to constantly be texting them. i honestly don't want to ask him upfront...i've caught him lying to me before & it would be easy for him to lie again. plus, under military rules, i would need proof of him cheating in order for the military to consider it anything but my imagination. i actually told him before (see above) that, god forbid, he does something again, i will walk right out..

 

I'm an atheist so please don't take this as suggestion that god may be of help but do you have access to a military chaplain (as in a nearby base or post?). They are able to access their informal network and also to do quiet inquiries to the person's first sargeant who deal with this sort of thing all the time. It's done quietly and not in an incriminatory way unless things have already gotten out of hand on their end (the cheaters). If you can talk with the local chaplain and they are a not a evangelical (the catholic or jewish chaplains are a better option than the "christian" ones I'm sure they would be more than willing to talk with you and help you in anyway they can. This happens all the time for them; they are discrete and generally very good at it.

 

Most of the mobile options require you to have physical access to the phone so records might be the best available to you unless your contract is up for new phones soon (in which case you might send him a new present).

 

Very sorry to hear about this and your husband's past. Hope all turns out ok for you.

 

i wish, but i'm not even in the same state with him, since he's still in training & i'm not allowed to be living with him now. however, he will be coming home to visit for a couple of days in the next couple of weeks, so i want to find out all my options about when i'm gonna physically see his phone & see what i can do.

[exquisite]

well, here's the thing i also should've mentioned. we're newlyweds. we got married a little while before he went into basic training. another issue? while he was in basic, i found out i was pregnant. i actually found out about him cheating also while he was in basic. he told me he never slept with the girl...but in my opinion, sex itself isn't the only way a person can cheat. so i told him while he was in basic that i'm done with games, i'm done with all the BS. i told him i'm giving him 1 last & final try. i mean, he might act like a scumbag, but i still love him..not to mention we're having a child together. & i could tell he changed, i could tell he wasn't the same selfish person he was going into basic. however, he's been in in-depth training for the past 2 months for his branch..& i swear, with every week, he regressed more & more. until a couple weeks ago when i started noticing constant texts with this number & looked into it. oddly enough, he stopped texting the other number this week...& started texting a new number constantly..who i found out is also girl in his training. in fact, just this past weekend, he actually didn't text me back for hours at a time, yet was constantly texting her. & when i nonchalantly mentioned it to him, he told me he didn't get my texts until he finally called me. however, i can tell exactly what time my texts came in, i know he was lying.

 

another serious issue i have? it started last weekend. i was meeting my friends for lunch for the first time in weeks & i guess he called me & i didn't hear my phone.... he called me possibly 15 times. then when i finally saw my phone, i called back only to be yelled at by him & accused. (i should mention, he has a history of paranoia & convincing himself i'm cheating on him ever since he & i have been together, even before we were married, he kept me on a short leash, asked to constantly checked my texts, questioned me when i spoke to other guys, etc). i told him that he has absolutely no right to be paranoid, i'm the only one who has that right, for obvious reasons. which only set him off more. i told him later that it honestly made me think a little bit because he had mentioned to me after basic that perhaps he was always so paranoid about me before because he knew he was doing something wrong.. so i straight up asked him what's changed in the last week (i had known about the texts by this time). he almost got a little defensive. "why in the last week? what do you mean? why do you say that?" he told me that he loves me & wouldn't do anything to break what we have & that he promises he's not doing anything i wouldn't approve off. he also apologized for his behavior & getting paranoid. so i said ok, whatever, but told him that it honestly made me wonder if he's really doing something he shouldn't be doing. the next day i told him, he shouldn't be worried about me cheating, he should be worried about me leaving him & i will tell him if/when i do leave him, it won't be a secret. i also told him that i have nothing to be paranoid about, since he has A LOT to lose (the "love of his life & his child!!), so i don't think he'd be stupid enough to risk all of it for some easy chick & a quick lay or random flirtation.

 

well in the past week, he's gotten antsy. he gets set off for no reason. he snaps at me. in this past weekend alone we got into 4 or 5 fights because he gets mad at me. he asked me in a couple days ago (when i told him i got coffee, about my day, etc) who i got coffee with, i told him, a girlfriend of mine. he then said who else did you hang out with, i told him no one else. then he asked me who else i still talk to out of my friends...& then clarified that he's only asking about what guys i still talk to. i mean, suddenly, he's getting so crazy & paranoid?

 

2 days ago, i told him i'd call him soon & i watched a movie with my mom. he again called me 8-10 times, then when i called him back 2hrs later, he started yelling at me, how could i say soon & not respond for 2 hrs. i told him that he does this on a WEEKLY BASIS. he constantly tells me he's gonna call me later & doesn't call me for 5 hours, when he has the weekend off & has nothing better to do. then he started yelling at me & getting absolutely LIVID because he had read something on my facebook that i posted about letting people go easily. he screamed at me about how it would be so easy for me to let him go & walk away. apparently i meant to direct it only to him (because there's no other people in my life who have hurt me or mistreated me). i told him i havent spoken to my own father in months because of his behavior...i mean, is he kidding?!? i swear, it was like the more i spoke & tried to explain to him, the more angry & pissed off he got. half an hour into the conversation, he started apologizing & saying im right, he has no right, he's very sorry, he wants to just drop it.

 

the next day, same thing happened. i told him i'm hanging out with my family, he told me he would call me after an inspection...he didn't call for an hour & my phone was dying, so i went to charge it..15min after that he called, but i didn't have my phone nearby..so he proceeded to call me 8 times & leave me about 5 texts. when i finally called, again he started screaming at me, "wth is the problem that you can't charge your phone by you?" then he started telling me that i never call him on his days off, he's always calling me. i don't make any effort, while he is. i told him, in the past 2 months, he went from calling me every hour or so to calling me twice, possibly 3 times in a day, talking to me for maybe 5min, then sighing & telling me he's gonna go hang out & see what his friends are up to. he knows i'm not doing anything. i actually got fed up & asked him about texting him earlier when he didn't respond for 2 HOURS. if he's never busy AT ALL like he claims, what could be so difficult about responding to me? he told me that's why he called me after 2 hours...i found out later that the entire 2 hours, he was texting this new chick. so he clearly saw my text, decided to ignore it & just call me later.

 

it honestly is getting ridiculous. he gets LIVID, paranoid, starts yelling at me, starts telling me i act like i don't care, that he's making such an effort to change from who he used to be & i just don't appreciate it. he started telling me how nobody else calls their wife every morning, but he does, yet i don't appreciate that either. it honestly SCARES me just how strange he's acting, it's like he's literally gone insane..idk if i've ever seen him act like this & he's acted crazy enough in the past. yet, we get off the phone, talk in a little while & he's all happy & hunky dory again until 5 min into our next conversation...when he gets mad at me again.. for NO REASON.

 

which is why i'm convinced he's doing something & freaking out that i might find out & leave him or that i might be doing the same thing.

 

funny enough, while last weekend i told him he's acting paranoid because he's up to something, he said that might've been the case in the past, but it can't be now since he's not doing anything i wouldn't approve of. this weekend he actually started telling me that he realized that the reason he was so paranoid about me in the past was because i was just too good for him & he was afraid of losing me, not at all because he thought i was up to no good just like him, that it wasn't the case at all & never had been.

 

i'm SO SO SO sorry for writing so much...if you guys actually read it all, then you're awesome...i tend to ramble on sometimes. but this is just really bugging the heck out of me..idk what to do.

[exquisite]

btw. he comes home in a week or so... so i really need to figure out how to find out what is being said constantly between him & these 2 girls. after this, he moves on to more in-depth training on another base where he's free to live by himself & basically have a 9-5 class session instead of being cooped up on base without permission to leave. so i NEED to know if he's doing something without telling him that i know. he's a master manipulator with others & he can lie & cover something up very easily.. so i need a way for him to not be able to lie & for me to find out.

 

what if he deletes the texts? i can't just ask him where they went, he'll want to know how i found out & then probably make up some excuse that they're lesbians or something. & after he moves to this other base (i won't be able to join him for a couple of months to tie up some loose ends around here), he can just get a prepaid cell & hide it from me. so i need something that truly works. like a good spyware cell app. any suggestions???

[seren]

Exquisite, you and he are only just starting out on a life that will have lots of extended separations, military life will mean that you have to be able to trust each other. A lot of military people have very close relationships with their peers of the opposite sex, a lot of the time it's simply friendship. Many moons ago I served for 10 yrs in the military, some of my best friends were male, but times were different then and there was always a line that we didn't cross, I cannot say that so much today.

 

My H used to be away from home for long periods of time, this meant I had to take charge of just about everything at home, we had a partnership, this is what you will need for it to be successful. If you cannot trust him now, you undoubtedly will have problems in the future. as an aside, My H cheated with a woman in our home town on weekends when he was home and 'popping out to the shops', so it doesn't have to mean that there is anything going on, but there again there might be.

 

I think you both need to sit down and discuss how trust, communication and transparecy are needed for you both to have a happy military marriage. It isn't easy, it is often that the military take precedence over any plans you make, and that he will be in very close proximity to other women, trust is the key and I would urge you both to establish firm boundaries, get it all out there and say what you fear, either draw a line and start again or at least make an informed choice about your future.

 

I truly hope that he will be honest, also that you both can agree that communication is vital and that checking up on each other achieves little. If they are going to cheat then they will, however I would also add that he has entered a very male dominated world, it's like testosterone city sometimes and all have a story about cheating wives and girlfriends, but I see he was possessive before joining. Think about what you want for your future, establish your boundaries, listen to his and hopefully you both can see that you are a partnership and not just I and me.

 

Take care x

[teacher1994]

there is a phone spywear u can use by downloading it to ur PC. then u upload it to ur cell...then send it as an MMS to his phone. attached with a photo. (if he has a data phone) it will then attach itself to his phone and u will see all his text and even call list.

i am not n the USA. so it is ok for me (THANK GOD! ha ha )

if u dont want to get in trouble...........have someone else do it. u give them the money and if they live n canada r another country they can do it and report eveything back to you.

 

this is what i would do.

 

i dealing with a third time (i caught him three times....but im sure hes done it more, just cant prove it more then three times) cheater. trust me after the second one they will not stop.

thing is i know he loves me. we r a good couple. sex is great. its just he travels alot. and he will do it just cuz he thinks he can. i feel he thinks what i dont know dont hurt me and sex is different then love............as long as he doesnt love them i shouldnt mind. lol (JERK) this why hes at his mommies and im n the big new house! i miss him and i ask why. but i know i have to be strong because he will never stop. its been two weeks and he hasnt even tried to explain a single thing. just avoiding me. i want an explanation, deserve one. but it will not change that repeat cheaters. i love him but better off alone. 13 yrs marriage lost cuz he felt what he does when away will not hurt me n the kids!

[Owl]

Seren's got a point.

 

It is NOT going to get easier...it's going to stay this hard or much harder on your marriage/relationship.

 

Frankly...if he's ALREADY cheated and destroyed trust...and you're already suspecting him again...to me...that tells me that your relationship is NOT strong enough to withstand military life on top of it.

 

Seriously...the two of you should consider whether or not this relationship truly can withstand what it's already gone through on top of what it's about to be forced to cope with. You both may be better off without each other for now...and see where things are at once both of your lives have calmed down and you've both grown a little more.

 

Honestly...considering what's gone on...an anullment/divorce might be your best next move, rather than trying to rebuild a relationship on already shaky foundations.