monkeyshaman Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Here's my back story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293932/ its sort of long so just a heads up. Long story short been together for almost 4 years and then she felt her current depression was holding me back so she "took a break" to clear her head. Anyway I decided to go NC as quickly as possible but it is so hard. We spent about 4 days together after the break up and then one day with some contact and it is now the end of day two. This day was a real challenge. I am still swirling between whether she is coming back or is forgetting me. I don't mean to whine and whatnot but its rough. Half of me understands that the issues are something she does need to work through and I respect her decision to go deal with them on her own. But the other half of me feels that she just used that as an excuse so she didn't have to deal with the issues. I know that only time will tell, and that it is all for the best but I also know we really loved each other. I just never thought that 3 days without her and 2 days of NC would be so difficult. I am trying already to go on with my own development but its difficult this early and distracting myself with friends seems to be the best thing even though I really want to dive into working out and work but right now my mind is swirling to much to concentrate. Her stuff is still at my house and I know she is going to have to call me eventually to get the stuff. So its been very difficult so far for me to give up hope. Thank the spirits that I have so many wonderful things in my life I worked very hard for. Right now I am at a point where I really want to buy a car but don't want to do it under. I just wish I could think clearly.
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Well last night and this morning were pretty rough. I am really getting the reality of the situation. I still would like her to call but am standing firm in my position to NC her. I am trying to move on with my life and am keeping myself focused on other things. Its just that moment when I open my eyes in the morning I loose it quite often. But I have a nice cycle of friends I have been calling during the challenges. I am beginning to understand that whatever issues we might of had are most likely not going to be solved in a short period of time so I really have to move forward with doing the things I love. A friend of mine and I are planning to do some skydiving so that will be a blast I also have some plans to go out tonight with some old friends. While I wish she was here with me, I would rather she knew she wanted to be with me rather then torn between me and the young single lifestyle. Right now I am just chilling and it feels good. Got to get off this site before it helps me to think to much but I will post again as things continue. Best wishes to all.
Nohbody Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Sounds like you are doing the right things. It's hard and it sucks, but you are welcome to post anytime you need support. Good luck!
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Thanks a lot Nohbody, and you are correct it does suck and sometimes seems impossible. However today I finally got a good chunk of time working on things I havent been able to concentrate on, like painting. I also got to go out with some old friends for one of their birthdays. It has been a while since I went out and I had a pretty good time. A few flashes of thought came into my head of the ex but I tried to remain focused and attentive to what was going on around me and I really felt alive for the first time since the break. I was laughing so much it felt great. It really helped that I told myself I wasn't going to talk about her and if anyone asked I would just give simple answers and move on. At the end of the night an old close friend of mine was questioning me a bit further but I didn't let it bog me down. Being out really helped me to realize certain things that I wanted to improve on myself and reminded me of the world out there. When I got home I was a little bummed and hoped for some reason she would be there but of course she wasnt. So it was a pretty good day so far even though I decided to come home, in contrast to how I felt this morning. It is amazing what friends and ridiculous conversation can do for someone going through a tough time.
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Yeah well that feeling didnt last very long. I am struggling right now to avoid checking her FB and see what she was doing. Oh well ups and downs I suppose.
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Well this morning was another challenge and I checked her FB page to see what she was up to. Its so hard because I see her posting about how many days it has been and writing little poems about me and things and it just makes it so hard. I know she is staying away because she feels she is a limit on my life and it is so hard for me not to go and convince her otherwise. This is day 5 or so of NC and its killing me that she is still over there thinking and missing me when I am doing exactly the same thing. It doesn't make any sense, why doesn't she just try to come back, I know we can work together and get through our issues. None of them were that bad, no violence, no cheating, no substance abuse, we were always respectful for the most part and caring towards each other. I just don't understand why she is giving up, why she thinks we are just to different. I still hope that she will realize that I am here to help her and that she did bring me comfort and joy and just because she has been depressed does not mean that it will always be that way. Oh how I want to call her and tell her so many things. But I already did I suppose, but why is she not seeing it yet?
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I am so dying to break NC right now. I keep thinking how no matter how it goes I most likely wont be happy. If she says she loves me and wants to come home I wont be happy cause she didn't call me, if she blows me off I'll be devastated, if she acts cold itll suck, if she gets mad I'll be hurt. Theres seems to be no good that can come out of it, so why do I want to contact her so freakin bad? The quote about love being like fire and time being like wind really made sense to me. I am still hoping that our love was real but right now I am being desperate and its definitely not the time to talk. I am trying so hard not to call or text or message arrrrgh this is killing me tonight, wish me luck.
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 Well I blew the NC and called her. She just went on telling me everything that has been going on and mentioned that she still doesnt know how she feels. Then I got bit of a flash of what it was like the last few months and was kind of relieved she didn't want to come home right away. I do miss her but am really appreciating the time we are spending apart. I didnt really do any pleading or begging but it was still nice to talk to her. I guess its just hard for me to just push someone out like that. Maybe I am just fooling myself but who knows. Anyway Here we go again I guess.
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Well I had a bit of regret for breaking the NC but feel if it pushes her away more then oh well, we werent meant to be anyway. I am crying today more then the last few days. Luckily someone accidentally called me who knows the situation so I got to talk a bit. I spent so much of my effort in the relationship I really don't have that many friends and am starting to feel a bit guilty about calling the same people over and over being all whiny. I feel so good sometimes and other times I am gone. Sometimes the reality of the situation brings relief and pain at the same time. It seems at any given moment I feel two opposing emotions about the whole situation. And reading all people talk about mental disorders and personality types makes my mind go a little insane. I am holding on to hope, I am not going to lie. I miss her a lot and still think there is a possiblity for us to work through this but of course that will only happen if "us" exists but at the moment it doesn't. On a good note I am getting really excited about things I have going on. Work, school and whatnot is going great except for the lack of motivation at the moment. I cant wait till this mental insanity gets out of the way. I have been working out almost everyday and have been keeping my house pretty spotless. I just want my concentration back, I want to be able to focus. Its such a challenge. Oh well keep moving forward its the only option. Note to self Don't check her FB, don't don't don't don't don't, it makes you crazy.
Author monkeyshaman Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 This rollercoaster is driving me insane. Somedays are so rough and others are not, in fact its more like parts of the day are great then other parts are not so much. I am avoiding her FB page, I managed to go 25 hours so far and want to keep it that way. I want to know what she is doing so bad though. It sucks because I know if I call she will pick up, but she also wanted her space and last time I talked to her she still did not know how she felt. I am going to go work out now because I didn't get the chance yesterday because I went to my friends house all day. I'll see you all later, best of luck.
Author monkeyshaman Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 So my ex came to pick up some things because she was going to visit her sister and had to get some clothes for her, also she had some toys she wanted to give her nephew. We talked for a bit and it was nice but last night and this morning have been hitting me pretty hard. It feels like every moment that is going by I am realizing that she isnt coming back, in fact it looks as though she isnt planning on it either. She is doing things to get herself sorted out but it seems like she is avoiding having any real emotion towards me. When she was over she didn't want to hear me say nice things to her because they were making her sad. She said she didn't even get to think about the relationship because she is just trying to deal with herself. She planned out a couple things for this weekend and the next with her family and mentioned how she cant return some dresses she bought so we could go to a wedding. I asked her if she was just looking for a new place or if she was just staying away to forget about us, and she said she didnt even think that far. She has just been numb ans lost she said. But its now been two days since that encounter and well I am not handling it all that well. I thought that seeing me would make her realize what she really wanted and it didn't. I am happy she is really working on herself and not out there just acting like a fool but my heart is breaking at the fact that she just isnt coming home. Someone knocked on my door this morning and I couldnt get up in time to get it and then it had me thinking, what if it was her. Insanity is taking a bit of a tole on me in that situation. I miss her but I dont know what will happen in the future. I just wish she would give me more of an idea instead of just telling me she loved me.
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