Karinkoron Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Hi all, this is my first post, and I am not an English speaker. So,please forgive me if my writing is kind of awkward. I am 33 years old woman, and got married to my husband(34 years old) last month.We had been dating for nearly 2 years. We met online(not through dating site), and I moved to his country last year. He had been dating with a Chinese woman (C,29 years old) for 2 years before we started to see each other, but they had to break up eventually, because C's parents were strongly against to their relationship(because my husband has previous marriage and 2 kids already). Seems that they loved each other deeply, so it was quite hard for them to break up. After we started dating, we loved each other quite passionately. Even when I was in my country, we contacted to each other every day, and I came to his country to see him every 3 months. Even so, as C is working in office where my husband works in, they frequently go for coffee,lunch, and even drinking after work. Before I came to his country, I didn't know that they were still having such close relationship. The reason why I found out their relationship was, when I tried to use his phone to call my parents, I found her name was on his "favourite" list. I was so shocked, and asked him why. He answered it was because they are still good friends. I can't help checking his phone since then, even though I know it is not a right thing. It turned out that they often send message to each other, and my husband still invites her for coffee, lunch, whatever daily basis. When I found their sweet messages(C was writing "It's so sad to see that you are going far and far away" then my husband replied "I want to get close to you"),I asked my husband if he still loves her( not telling him that I checked his phone), then he replied he still cares about her but had totally moved on, and he just wants to be her friend. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with, and he doesn't regret breaking up with her. Actually,my husband is a kind of guy who is not easy to make friends. He doesn't have many friends to hang around together.Also, most of his friends are female. Once he got a close friend, he cherishes his friend so gently and often sends messages to see if she is doing ok. As far as I've read, his messages to his friends are somtimes TOO sweet, which might lead misunderstandings...like "I am so happy that you are part of my life"(this massage was not for C but another female friend of him). According to his messages, seems that my husband bought C a birthday present on her birthday lately, but he never told me he did. He sometimes offers a car ride for her to drive her home (I don't know if he really did it or not). I had been trying to understand their relationship, but finally I reached to my limit one day. I told him that I don't understand their "friendship", and it really gets on my nerves. I also told him that their relationship is really creepy for me, and don't want to hear anything about her, like "oh this is what C liked". He always insists that he likes her as a friend, and he told me that each time they talk to each other, the main topic is their job. He also asserts that it is nessesary for them to talk due to their job, but I don't believe so...actually they are talking about private matters as well. C broke up with her fiance recently, and tonight I found that my husband was inviting her for drinking tomorrow(friday night). I was really pissed, but pretended as if I didn't know nothing, and asked my husband if we can go watch movie tomorrow. He said "Ok" . I checked his phone after the conversation, then the massage he had sent was deleted already. My husband might have known that I have been checking his phone, but never asked me if I did. Even so, whenever I find doubtful massages, he deletes them later on. I have no idea what to do....should I just leave them? My husband is not kind of a guy who can commit physical affairs, and seems that places they are meeting up are inside of office building or around it. He always spends holidays with me or his kids, and comes back to home every day. Is their relationship just close friend? Or something beyond? Each time I get mad at the issue, my husband tries to make me understand that he truely loves me...but it's getting hard for me to believe his words these days.
vsmini Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 His relationship with her is completely inappropriate and as a woman with some self-respect - no WAY would I tolerate that. It's an emotional affair to say the least. Leave him.
Author Karinkoron Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 Thank you for those who posted comment on my thread. I am in Canada now. My husband has been spending time with me this weekend, and we watched movie together. We have talked nothing about his ex so far. Even though he has been committing emotional affair, I still love him so much...I have been looking for the solution.
sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Honey get out now because hes gonna leave you anyway for her. He never got over her and still has her. He wants her at all costs. The biggest clue was when she and her fiancee broke up. Your just not getting the bigger picture yet. All of us can see hes with her and doesnt want you the way he wants her. Of course hes not gonna talk about his ex around you all the time. That doesnt mean anything. You may love him but he is more in love with the ex.
Author Karinkoron Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 We went to watch movie together, and spent time together following Saturday and Sunday. After the weekend, I decided to tell him that I spied his phone. I told him why I suggested to go for movie, and apologized that I checked his text messages. My husband didn't get mad at all, and just listened to me. This is what I told him ; I learned that the more I try to prevent him from spending time with his ex, the more he craves for doing it. Eventually, he would hide what he has done with his ex. My husband has just few friends, so I understood the reason why he is eager to see her is he just wishes to talk to someone who understands him. Therefore, I promised that I will never spy his phone again, and I asked him to let me know whenever he goes for drink with her. I think it's far better to be told than to be hidden. He accepted my suggestion, and as usual, he told me that he loves me. I asked him to lock his phone, and he has been locking his phone since then. I decided to stay away from their relationship. If he makes his ex to have misunderstandings or wrong expectations, it's his business and I will leave.
sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I hope he means what he says..but do not let your guard down
Zaphod B Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Totally inappropriate and wrong for your guy to be still seeing his ex like this. It's just asking for trouble. You're his woman now, so why would he want to continue to see her? What's he getting from her that he can't get from you? You need to put a stop to it. Don't just turn a blind eye. He'll just take advantage of that. You should give him an ultimatum, either her or you. Simple.
Author Karinkoron Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 I hope he means what he says..but do not let your guard down Thank you sweetypielovely, I hope so too. Each time I upset about this issue, what he says is always the same; I am the one who he wants to be with, and there's no intention for seeing her. He never says "Don't say same things again", or "You are overreacting". I think I should trust him...
Rayne03 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 According to the messages, they have been communicating on a daily basis, they work in the same building, he's still in love, or in lust or whatever he is with her. He is manipulating you and you are handing her over to him on a silver platter by making it very easy for him. If you are married, and you have suspicion that your partner is up to something, then you have every right to look at their phone calls and msgs. If you're in a loving trusting relationship, then there should be nothing to hide! To ask him (and for him to go through with it) to lock his phone is not a smart move. It's a pass to do whatever he pleases. I don't have any answers for you because it's a difficult situation, especially when they work so close, but I don't see any trust in your relationship and the two of you should be doing everything you can to build trust in your relationship. Seems like you both are going in the opposite direction.
Afishwithabike Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Thank you sweetypielovely, I hope so too. Each time I upset about this issue, what he says is always the same; I am the one who he wants to be with, and there's no intention for seeing her. He never says "Don't say same things again", or "You are overreacting". I think I should trust him... Trust is earned. What he is doing shouldn't earn your trust. You loving him isn't enough to keep a marriage going. He needs to be equally loving to you through his actions, not just words. He is telling you what you want to hear. However, I suspect the truth is he will still continue to have dealings with this ex-girlfriend when he's at work. He hasn't gotten over the girlfriend. I don't know why you think he can't commit a physical affair. Unless he has erectile dysfunction or something wrong with his penis, he can have a physical affair. All it takes is an hour away to go somewhere private. They could do it during the work day. How would you know about it? Honestly, there are so many ways to sneak away from work if one really wanted to. A doctor's appointment. A meeting in another building. A visit to somewhere necessary for a project at work. Those are the reasons (excuses) you give to your employer and spouse so that you can go to a private location or hotel. He's a cake eater. He has his cake and he's eating it too. That's an expression in my country. He has you as the wife to take care of the marriage, the home and everything else. And on the side he has her, his ex-girlfriend. He gets to talk to her daily, they laugh, they interact, etc.
Author Karinkoron Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 What's he getting from her that he can't get from you? You need to put a stop to it. Don't just turn a blind eye. He'll just take advantage of that. You should give him an ultimatum, either her or you. Simple. Thank you Zaphod. I don't exactly know what he wants to get from her...my husband explained that she has the same job as my husband has, so they can understand each other and he can give her advice sometimes. I don't think that is not everything they talk about though. Actually, I can't perfectly understand whenever my husband is talking about his job and something which is really stressful for him, as it is quite technical job and also because of my language skill. As long as he insists that he needs to talk to her due to his job, I can't urge him to cut off their "friendship".
Zaphod B Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) Thank you Zaphod. I don't exactly know what he wants to get from her...my husband explained that she has the same job as my husband has, so they can understand each other and he can give her advice sometimes. I don't think that is not everything they talk about though. Actually, I can't perfectly understand whenever my husband is talking about his job and something which is really stressful for him, as it is quite technical job and also because of my language skill. As long as he insists that he needs to talk to her due to his job, I can't urge him to cut off their "friendship". He doesn't have male colleagues he can talk with? Sounds like he's making excuses to me. I wouldn't buy it. Stress is stress and you can surely understand how it affects him without having to know all the little details about his job? Seems to me he has you wrapped around his little finger and can feed you any pile of crap he wants and you'll believe him. I just hope I'm wrong for your sake. Is he being considerate of your feelings and how you feel about all this? Doesn't seem like it to me. Seems like it is you who is being the understanding one, while he does't seem to care about your feelings. Sorry, I just hate to see people being taken advantage of and it seems like you are. Edited September 3, 2011 by Zaphod B
Tayla Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I disagree with some of the posters here who are "assuming" a full blown affair is in affect. Reason I can say this is simple. I am an "EX" to an endearing friend. I am the godmother to his child and would Dern well be pissed if anyone dared to accuse us of anything other then mutaul regard for our current life choices. He is married and I adore his wife. SHe is a friend as well. I admire their marriage and respect it. ANyways, see if you husband will introduce you to her, maybe you can find a commonality. Definitely helped me and his spouse. She and I became good friends. Not saying you have to be good friends, but maybe getting to know her and she you will create a more mutual regard. My friends wife came from another country too, so coming to the states she really deserved to be treated with hospitality...cultural differences and warm reception were welcoming to her.
fazz Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I have similar story between me and my ex, and altough they seem to be indeed just friends I do not think the relationship respects my relationship with my ex because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think my spouse has to put me first as his best girl friends and others are ok only when I am ok with it. I finally split up with him because, although I loved him so bad, it was in july 10 and I am still trying to forget him, I do not think I am happy in such relationship w such man with such situation. I watch movies too where men are just like my ex, trying had not to generalise the man species at the moment lol.
Tayla Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 You're not stating why you disagree with those posters, you're just posting an off-topic rant about your personal life. Clume, having a slow comprehension day are you? And how were your remarks relevant directly to the OP's matter?
Author Karinkoron Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 ANyways, see if you husband will introduce you to her, maybe you can find a commonality. Definitely helped me and his spouse. Thank you Tayla,and all of you who posted your opinions. I really appreciate, and glad to see that my English is understood by people. lol Long time ago(shortly after I came to his country), I asked my husband to let me see his ex, but he hesitated. He explained the reason; After they broke up,his ex seemed to have expectation that they can be together again. However, she got to know that my husband stared to date with me...which made her so upset. That is why, my husband was afraid of horrible situation which might happen when she and I see in person. Recently, I asked him again to let me see her, then he said it is no problem. He even said he has told his ex that I wish to see her, then his ex said she doesn't mind at all. I haven't seen her yet though. I wanted to see her...but now I don't think about it so much, because as long as my husband is crushing on her, nothing will change whether I see her or not.
norajane Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I decided to stay away from their relationship. If he makes his ex to have misunderstandings or wrong expectations, it's his business and I will leave. He is YOUR husband. His relationship with his ex is very much your business. That you have asked to be introduced, and he said yes but has not done it and is making no move to do it, should concern you. You need to become REAL to her as his WIFE. She needs to understand that you are not just some vague woman who doesn't really exist - you are his WIFE. She needs to know your place in his life - the most important friendship he has is with YOU. So make your own plans. Tell your hubby that you'd like to get together for dinner with him and his ex, pick a day for it, and see what he does. If he doesn't make it happen, then either he or she or both of them have something to hide.
Rayne03 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Thank you Tayla,and all of you who posted your opinions. I really appreciate, and glad to see that my English is understood by people. lol Long time ago(shortly after I came to his country), I asked my husband to let me see his ex, but he hesitated. He explained the reason; After they broke up,his ex seemed to have expectation that they can be together again. However, she got to know that my husband stared to date with me...which made her so upset. That is why, my husband was afraid of horrible situation which might happen when she and I see in person. Recently, I asked him again to let me see her, then he said it is no problem. He even said he has told his ex that I wish to see her, then his ex said she doesn't mind at all. I haven't seen her yet though. I wanted to see her...but now I don't think about it so much, because as long as my husband is crushing on her, nothing will change whether I see her or not. This is so ridiculous I don't even know what more to say other than I don't see any trust in this relationship and he is taking advantage of your kindness. There is no way in hell*o* I would be okay with my husband having a relationship with his Ex....especially knowing she still wants him and is in love with him. Stuff happens! .. and you are allowing it to. Doesn't matter if they are having an affair right now or not. He should be turning to YOU not some woman who is suppose to be IN HIS PAST. Try to remain aware and not so trusting until there actually is some trust built. You've been married for only a month?
Tayla Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Thank you Tayla,and all of you who posted your opinions. I really appreciate, and glad to see that my English is understood by people. lol Long time ago(shortly after I came to his country), I asked my husband to let me see his ex, but he hesitated. He explained the reason; After they broke up,his ex seemed to have expectation that they can be together again. However, she got to know that my husband stared to date with me...which made her so upset. That is why, my husband was afraid of horrible situation which might happen when she and I see in person. Recently, I asked him again to let me see her, then he said it is no problem. He even said he has told his ex that I wish to see her, then his ex said she doesn't mind at all. I haven't seen her yet though. I wanted to see her...but now I don't think about it so much, because as long as my husband is crushing on her, nothing will change whether I see her or not. You are most welcome Karin, I sincerely hope the introductions to one another can be met with an assurance that you and your husband are solid in marriage. Sometimes it takes a reality check to make that happen. You sound like a kind soul.
BeyondtheClouds Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Why don't you try a full blown separation. Wouldn't that be funny if she lost interest in your husband when it looks as if he might become a free man again?
Author Karinkoron Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Why don't you try a full blown separation. Wouldn't that be funny if she lost interest in your husband when it looks as if he might become a free man again? Thanks BeyondtheClouds and again, all who posted your opinions to my thread. Sorry for not replying to all of you, but I have read all of your posts. Actually, even though my husband still cares about her a lot, his ex's reply has been getting kind of blunt recently (as far as I seen their text messages). So I assume his ex is no longer interested in him so much. She even gave us wedding gift and card recently. Yeah, their relationship might be my business or what I should concern more as his wife...but you know, no matter how enthusiastically I ask my husband to not to care about her or not to talk to her privately, he never stops as long as he cares about her. I have learned it already, as I had cried, yelled at him, nagged him over this issue so many times. After all, he never stops. NEVER. It doesn't matter if I am his wife or his mother or Mother Teresa. Nobody can restrict someone's heart. That sucks, but it's true. I think my husband loves me a lot, and he is really grateful that I have been trying to be a good step mother for his little kids. His kids are getting along with me, and his parents also like me a lot in spite of language barriers. So far, he spends every holiday with me or his kids, and whenever he is with me, he is very considerate and showing his love for me...I can be who I am when I am with him. Actually, he is almost perfect guy for me except that issue. As far as I seen, he has never sent her message like "I still love you." As long as I don't spy his phone, we can be happily together. Actually,I am relieved that he started to lock his phone, because I don't have to get shocked anymore. If my husband is a smart guy, I believe he knows who is the most important for his life, and what he should do to keep the person. It may sounds cowardly, but I have been thinking that way since I confessed that I spied his phone. That was me who asked him to lock his phone, so I think I have responsibility to trust him.
Afishwithabike Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Thanks BeyondtheClouds and again, all who posted your opinions to my thread. Sorry for not replying to all of you, but I have read all of your posts. Actually, even though my husband still cares about her a lot, his ex's reply has been getting kind of blunt recently (as far as I seen their text messages). So I assume his ex is no longer interested in him so much. She even gave us wedding gift and card recently. Yeah, their relationship might be my business or what I should concern more as his wife...but you know, no matter how enthusiastically I ask my husband to not to care about her or not to talk to her privately, he never stops as long as he cares about her. I have learned it already, as I had cried, yelled at him, nagged him over this issue so many times. After all, he never stops. NEVER. It doesn't matter if I am his wife or his mother or Mother Teresa. Nobody can restrict someone's heart. That sucks, but it's true. I think my husband loves me a lot, and he is really grateful that I have been trying to be a good step mother for his little kids. His kids are getting along with me, and his parents also like me a lot in spite of language barriers. So far, he spends every holiday with me or his kids, and whenever he is with me, he is very considerate and showing his love for me...I can be who I am when I am with him. Actually, he is almost perfect guy for me except that issue. As far as I seen, he has never sent her message like "I still love you." As long as I don't spy his phone, we can be happily together. Actually,I am relieved that he started to lock his phone, because I don't have to get shocked anymore. If my husband is a smart guy, I believe he knows who is the most important for his life, and what he should do to keep the person. It may sounds cowardly, but I have been thinking that way since I confessed that I spied his phone. That was me who asked him to lock his phone, so I think I have responsibility to trust him. Locking his phone is not the solution, but I don't think there's anything else we can tell you. You've decided on a solution. Do I think it's right? No, but it's not my life and you're completely free to do as you please. I just hope for your sake that your husband gives up his friend and doesn't take up with any other woman while he's married to you. Good luck!
Author Karinkoron Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 u Should believe him if u real love him , leaving him free space, two people together should be frank, i wish your live happiness forever Thank you jennymoon. Several days ago, my husband got sick. It was not so serious thing and he is okay now. When he was sick, I did whatever I could to help his recovery. Sick is not a good thing, but I hope this kind of experience makes our relationship better.
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