I'm ready to admit who I am, but...... now what?

[Red Arremer]

Let me just preface this by saying that what I'm about to say in this post, I've told two, maybe three people in my entire life. In fact even though my account on here doesn't have anything on it that would trace back to who I am elsewhere on the internet, I'm having a hard time even typing it up here with the veil of anonymity put over a second veil of anonymity. But anyway, that's probably enough build-up.

 

I've posted a few other threads on here about problems with dating and whatever, and I've posted in other people's threads griping about that sort of thing too, but I guess it's probably about time I dealt with the overarching issue that I've been avoiding, well, basically my entire life. When I was a little kid, I was diagnosed with autism. It wasn't a major case, I was capable of speech (for the most part, although I did have a speech impediment when I was younger that's gone away for the most part now) and basic stuff like that, but I was always a very "weird" kid. I had a bunch of odd habits, I didn't bathe often, I was a complete social retard, that sort of thing.

 

Luckily, I have been one of the few people who have "grown out of it" as I've gotten older. Most of the strange habits are gone (and the ones that I still do have I can usually at least keep from doing in public, or if I specifically focus on them I can normally shut them out), I've picked up enough social skills to have a very successful career, but I'm still dealing with a lot of the residual effects and it can be really frustrating. I've noticed I still have the typical autistic thought patterns, where I will get super super involved in one thing (and normally that's video games, surprise surprise!!) to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. Which means I'm awesome at video games, but you can imagine how many times that's helped me in a social situation.

 

Also, even though I've learned to be decent at social interaction in a professional setting, I am absolutely clueless how to go about casual social interaction, let alone dating. I mean, absolutely clueless, as in if I were to ask someone for advice I feel like I would basically have to be like "Okay, so if I were an alien from outer space and was being exposed to human interaction for the very first time, how would I go about doing it?" Finding advice online/in self-help books is kind of hard because most of them assume you have at least some knowledge of what the hell you're doing, which I obviously do not.

 

And it's not only the social inexperience/lack of skill, but the interest thing comes into play pretty heavily too. Most, if not all, of my friends I met through functions for a specific interest (again, usually this was video games), and for the most part I very rarely hang around with any of them for anything outside of that limited sphere of interests. It's like, for one thing I wouldn't have the first clue about anything aside from my interests, and for another thing it's almost like I just don't care. Any time I've tried to do just casual social stuff without a "purpose" in the past, it's always been incredibly mentally draining on me, to the point where after a few hours I'm just exhausted and want to leave.

 

And the difficulties I have in making friends, it's about 1000x harder with dating. I mean, if I have trouble making friends for the sake of being friends, I have no idea how I'm going to do that with (gasp) a girl!!, and then the whole love and caring thing (what's emotions, precious?) on top of it. Deep down I do want a relationship, and not just because it's "something normal people do," but honestly by a "relationship" I really basically mean just a female friend I hang out with more than my other friends and that I have sex with. I don't really want more than that, and I'm not sure I'm even capable of more than that.

 

But anyway, I have probably rambled enough. I'm starting to come to terms with who I am, but like I said in the thread title.... now what? I really would like to get over these hurdles, and be a better/more interesting person, and possibly even learn what this "love" thing is, but I have no idea how to go about achieving any of that. I've tried to branch out and explore other interests, but every time I've either gotten bored or frustrated about a week in and stopped and never gone back to it. I guess that's really all I had to say, I kind of feel like my problems are so big right now that I can't even define what they are. But at least I'm ready to admit they're there.

 

I basically just wanted to get all this off my chest (even if this is anonymity over anonymity), but if you guys had any advice that'd be cool too.

[somethingsimple]

Well what kind of games are you playing? They have a lot of meet ups for those and they'll be right there with you in interest. My friend, met his girlfriend through a video game and they're totally in love. She's really cute too. And he's no loser either he's a recreational athlete, college grad, with a good job.

 

My friend has had aspergers, which is a form of autism. He's had several girlfriends. And you can hold down a career, and a successful one at that.

 

Social interaction and dating in my opinion is a skill, yes, some are born more talented than others. Like any skill, all it takes is practice.

 

Practice? We talkin bout practice? Here I am tryna be the franchise playa and we talkin about prac..

[marlena]

I am living with a wonderful man with high-functioning Asperger's and I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, I think it is his mild form of autism that makes him so special and dear to me.

 

I feel fortunate to have someone so intelligent and interesting and, yes, out of the norm, by my side. Apart from his intelligence, I love his loyalty and honesty and almost child-like innocence. Now that I think of it, it couldn't have been any other way for me. I always knew deep down inside that "normal" people or mainstream people if you like, were not really cut out for me. I honestly feel that I have found my soul mate after a string of failed relationships and one marriage, too.

 

It can happen to you, too. Just have patience and I am sure the right girl will come along for you one day. However long it takes.

 

If I have one piece of advice for you, it is this. Be honest and open about your Asperger's. My boyfriend wasn't and this caused a lot of undue confusion and misunderstandings in the beginning. When I got it all figured out, presto everything changed! Mostly me that it is. I did all my research and was then in a better position to understand and learn to live with that side of my boyfriend's nature. What also helped is that I have a nephew with autism and so was very familiar with many aspects of autism. You might say I have a special place in my heart with people on the spectrum because of this.

 

As for where to find love, usually it finds you when you relax and stop looking for it.

 

M

[Mme. Chaucer]

Even though you have social challenges, you have a great depth of self-awareness and you seem to have a great attitude and acceptance about who you are. You have already grown a lot since your grungy childhood days, and I believe your growth will continue. I think you're just going to have to plunge in and try to date, maybe online or in your gaming circles like the other posts suggested. Surely you'll have your bumps in the road, but you will learn and grow and I believe that you'll end up where you want to be. Maybe even further.

[Red Arremer]

Well what kind of games are you playing? They have a lot of meet ups for those and they'll be right there with you in interest. My friend, met his girlfriend through a video game and they're totally in love. She's really cute too. And he's no loser either he's a recreational athlete, college grad, with a good job.

Fighting games (like Street Fighter and that sort of thing) mostly, without giving too much away about myself I have started to get involved in the local fighting game scene and I've made a lot of my single-interest friends that way. As for women in that scene, there are like 3 of them and they're all taken.

 

On the dating thing, I have an online dating profile and I actually had a fair bit of success in getting first dates toward the beginning of the year, I'm assuming mainly because I sort of did my profile up in a funny "I don't give a care" kind of way and the fact that (apparently) I am an attractive fellow. I herp derped it up something fierce on all of those dates though and on all but one of them there was no second date. (I got a second date but no third date out of that one). My online dating profile is just sort of stagnant right now because there's really no one left to message that I'm interested in, and my normal social activities aren't really putting me in places where there are women I'd be interested in, so... yeah.

[somethingsimple]

Well make friends with the girls, girls just love playing match maker and hooking you up with their friends. And their you go, you got dates online. Personally, I always wanted to meet someone online, just for the thrills and see how it is. I set up a profile for a week, but wasn't to happy with how things were going so I deleted it. Plus, I do it better live anyways.

 

Since we're all confessing now. I was on my college starcraft team, I was pretty pwnage, I went on several yugioh tournaments and freakin pwned, I just spent the whole last week beating FF13. Plus, it's not even funny how many times I ignored my gf or girls in general, because I was in a middle of a scrim.

 

I never really had a problem with girls, in the long run. In perspective, relationship wise is a different story, but getting dates and girls in general, not really. But I've only been really single for the past year, before that I was in a LTR. But after I was over everything, I got my game back on track. After, I collected that exp, I switched back to job class single. Heck, I tell them, if the topic comes up. I'm not shy about it, its me.

 

I think your doing well for yourself, I think it's just self-doubt that's keeping you down.

[Red Arremer]

So wow, once a thread falls off the front page it's pretty much dead forever isn't it.

 

 

And just so this isn't an empty bump, I guess I can talk about bars and alcohol. From my time on the internet I've seen a lot of people with my background talk about how they refuse to drink alcohol because they don't want to "lose control," and it seems like people that don't drink get a huge stigma because of that. And I did used to be like that, but over the years I've sort of "gotten over myself" as it were. That said though, I still for the most part can't stand bars or clubs. I don't like the typical bar crowd, I don't like the music they play at most clubs, and I LOATHE dancing. That makes it kind of difficult when I talk to a lot of people about my problems, because a lot of people are like "well why don't you just go to bars/clubs and meet people?" and then act like I'm a martian or something when I tell them what I just said.

[Red Arremer]

So, I'm assuming that since this thread had basically died twice now that no one has any advice? :/

[thatone]

here's the thing, your condition can work to your advantage, and it will later in life, just not now.

 

i've never been to a therapist or been diagnosed with anything like you have, but i do have somewhat obsessive tendencies.

 

for me, it was the inability to maintain a 'career' like normal people do. i did every job under the sun in my 20s. from DJ to accounting office to cabinet shop to rent-a-cop to self taught network admin. when i learned a new trade i obsessed over learning as much as possible about it and working long hours at it until i was completely bored of it, then i'd quit and do something else. at the time it wasn't very healthy, but after the fact i have a lot more life/work experience than most others do, because i've done a lot of things.

 

the DJ job taught me how to communicate, the accounting job taught me how to handle money and run a business, the security guard job taught me how to be confident/assertive to other people, the computer job...well...honestly it taught me that booms/bubbles don't last forever, the gravy train left in 2001 as soon as it arrived, lol. but a job watching green lights blink gave me a lot of time to read and study about other things so i got something out of the time at least.

 

if you're in your early 20s and not set in a career, that's what i would recommend. get a job where you deal with the public and apply your obsessive nature to getting good at the job. you'll learn human contact that way.

[Red Arremer]

I'm going on 30 and am about as set in my career as one can be, unfortunately.

 

I've tried broadening my activities and doing more social stuff before, but it seems like my obsessiveness only kicks in if it's something I find enjoyable (and socializing for me isn't, to say the least), otherwise I have pretty much zero motivation to continue with it and I normally quit those things very quickly.