Married, in love with someone else

[armstm]

I am a married 32 year old male. I have just been married for 5 years and in the relationship for about 13 years. Over the last 2 and a half years, I have been in contact with someone I work with. For the first year and a half, it was just sex text and stupid ****. Over the last year or so we have fallen madly in love. We both know we are each others soulmate. I have never told my wife she is my soulmate, but she has told me. My wife looks after me like a king, loves me more than words can describe. In the last few months it has got pretty intense with this other person, I have been to her house a few times(we have not slept together) and it just felt so so right. She is a single mother, aged 36 with two kids, 12 and 8. She understands me for me and loves me for me. I have screwed her around a bit, as she checks my wifes facebook and see's that I am having fun with her....which I do. SHe has tried to stop it a few times but I keep starting it up again. She kept saying it is way too hard to know that I am at home with my current wife. But I kept on going back to her and starting it up again. We both know we are right for each other.

 

However, I have recently gone on a months holiday overseas with a mate. No wife or partners. I did not contact the other women very much. I should have. I contacted my wife each day, and in some way it was only because I felt I had to. Up until the holiday, me and the other women had been really close and told each other daily that we loved each other. I have had contact with her in the last few days and she told me she can't do it anymore, she has accepted the fact that we are over and that we will never be together. She told me she was with someone else and she is now seeing him. I am devistated. Feels like my heart has been ripped out. I had the chance to be with my true soulmate and I blew it.

 

And yes I know, my wife is the loser in this whole situation. She deserves so so much better than me. I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and I have been treating my wife really really bad lately. And the way I see it is that if I loved her so much, I would not treat her like that. So.......I worked up the courage today to tell her that I love her but I was not in love with her as much as I once was. It has totally devistated her. It breaks my heart to see her upset and it also breaks my heart that I have lost my soulmate. I honestly do not know what to do. Do I have one last ditch at the other women who is my soulmate, do I mend it with my wife and forget about my soulmate, do I move on by myself.

 

The worst thing is, while I was on holiday, my wife tells me she is 5 weeks pregnant.

 

Totally lost and confused.

 

Please, please help!

 

However,

Edited August 26, 2011 by armstm

[JB93]

Gotta be honest- i respect you for your honesty.

 

You are in a bad situation no question. Personally- i dont believe in soulmates- in fact- (being in the medical field) i can tell you its all about brain chemicals- and you can find the "soulmate" in MANY people. Simply put, you can fall in love with anyone, not just ONE person.

 

Anyway- Your wife does deserve better. The right thing to do would be to get a divorce, or at least separate for a while. She deserves someone who loves her back, and right now, you aren't that provider. You need to figure out what it is you want. You cant have the other girl- as you stated she left for someone else (so much for YOU being HER SOULMATE eh?)

[armstm]

I know I am still her soulmate, she just could not wait around. This 'thing' was going for two and a half years. She is 36 now and time is racing by. I suppose I left it for too long........

[2long]

The world is full of fools who think that romantic love is really love, and that finding their "soulmate" (a better term would be "*******mate", considering the horrible things they're all 2 eager 2 do 2 the ones they promised 2 love, honor and cherish for better or for worse) will give them the fairy-tale life that they think romance will give them.

 

Real love is a conscious choice, it isn't a feeling. Consider how un-loving you are being 2ward your own wife by lying and cheating on her in the name of "true love."

 

The chemical high would have worn off in a 2ple of years in any case, so if you had run off with the OW 2 live happily ever after, when the romance ended what would you be left with? Hell, your wife quite likely would have been through with you and moved on by then.

 

You may be being honest with us by telling us how you feel. But you are being untruthful with your wife by keeping your affair a secret from her. You may deserve a small attaboy for being honest, but you're still a cheater, because you're still lying 2 your wife by keeping the truth from her.

 

What do you want 2 do about that? Where are your values?

 

-ol' 2long

[Memphis Raines]

I'm afraid you are probably the type of man that isn't going to be happy with the same woman for long and will simply get bored with a long term commitment, therefore finding someone else exciting once there are a few years on the commitment.

 

Its good that you told your wife. She deserves to have all information available to make an informed decision about her destiny.

 

Knowing you won't be happy as a married man, even if wife wants to stay in the marriage, you shouldn't lead her to believe you will be a faithful husband and should file for divorce.

 

you make it easy on her, don't fight custody, pay your 20% for child support, or whatever it is in your state, don't fight her getting half the marital assets, because she is entitled anyway.

 

and you should pay alimony if she doesn't have a job until she finds suitable employment.

 

bottom line, if you really feel she doesn't deserve what you are doing to her, then do right by her at least in a divorce.

[Memphis Raines]

The world is full of fools who think that romantic love is really love

 

more accurately, the world is full of fools that think attraction and a good taboo orgasm is love.

[jnj express]

We can only hope that having a child, and becoming a father, will straighten your head up

 

You need to start focusing on whatever it was, that you and your wife had in the beginning---WHEN SHE WAS YOUR SOULMATE, and bringing that back

 

As to other woman---it would have never worked---you are lucky, she axed you---you would have always been in 3rd place behind her 2 kids

 

Time for you to start being a properly married man, and to pay attention to your vows---you remember your vows, right!!!!!!

[Steen719]

Its good that you told your wife. She deserves to have all information available to make an informed decision about her destiny.

 

Unless I have read this incorrectly, he only told her he loved her but was not in love with her. I did not see that he told her about the other woman. To do so would be a kindness, though, as the other without an explanation is an extremely cruel thing to do. And, good God, his wife is pregnant! Ugh!

[Memphis Raines]

Unless I have read this incorrectly, he only told her he loved her but was not in love with her. I did not see that he told her about the other woman. To do so would be a kindness, though, as the other without an explanation is an extremely cruel thing to do. And, good God, his wife is pregnant! Ugh!

 

yes, my mistake. he is still lying to her.

 

OP, I say go for your "soulmate". That way when you get bored with her too, you can ask yourself, "what the hell am I doing??"

[rowell2024]

Do you have the balls to confess about your cheating to your betrayed wife?

[Steadfast]

You may think your wife deserves better (and I agree) but that is up to her. You can't tell her who to love, or who not too. You can only control you.

 

And frankly, you're doing a very poor job of that.

 

Regardless of what you decide, you need to tell her about the affair and get checked for STDs. Not just for her sake, for the health of the baby too.

 

In my opinion you should leave the wife with a promise of support. As for the OW, whatever. Don't expect much though...she knows you're a cheater.

[2011aug]

I know I am still her soulmate, she just could not wait around. This 'thing' was going for two and a half years. She is 36 now and time is racing by. I suppose I left it for too long........

 

 

I dont understand this. How many soulmates does she have that she can so easily move on to another person?

 

Time is racing by for what? Kids? She already has 2.

 

Interesting that your wife considers you her soulmate; and yet, you have placed her in such a bad situation.

 

Maybe you should consider taking some quiet time to figure out what you want out of life?

[FL510]

Welcome to my world. I feel for you, I am on like day 3 of breaking it off with my OW and it completely sucks. You do need to ask yourself how serious she really was if it took her a very short amount of time to (weeks?) to find someone else? Try and ask yourself some hard questions about the true nature of your relationship with the OW. Was it really that big of a deal for her? sorry for this...it's very hard.

[Turtles]

Arm it aint just about you, your wife, and your girlfriend anymore. You have brought an innocent child into the world now and need to assume the consequences. "Aint getting the butterflies anymore" don't cut it when you have that kind of responsibility. You need to suck it up sweetheart. Just my opinion.

 

And, it sounds like you still have a loving wife. And still having fun with her. So it's not like hell on earth, right? After all remember nothing's ever perfect. If you can't love your wife, then why not stay and love your child?!

 

Whether you tell your W or not... I think it would cause more hurt than good... but that's just me. After all, you didn't get physical, so it's technically not adultery. In a somewhat similar situation, I did tell my wife, and it actually improved things a lot between us as a sort of electro-shock to the marriage, but my "EA" if you want to call it that had been much, much shorter (just a matter of days) and it was easy to cut contact (and prove that I had done so) as it was long distance.

[mzdolphin]

Welcome to my world. I feel for you, I am on like day 3 of breaking it off with my OW and it completely sucks. You do need to ask yourself how serious she really was if it took her a very short amount of time to (weeks?) to find someone else? Try and ask yourself some hard questions about the true nature of your relationship with the OW. Was it really that big of a deal for her? sorry for this...it's very hard.

 

 

Was it really that big a deal for her? As a former BS and OW, as an OW the best thing you can do is end and move on quickly. Remember, often the OW, and in this case, is SINGLE. They are the ones being asked, for two years in this case, to be patient and hold on.

 

I think the MM who wants his cake and eat it too, would have been equally devastated if the wife announced she was moving on. Because it's not about just losing the OW, it's about losing period. Just because you want it all, doesn't mean you can have it all.

[y2k]

Arm it aint just about you, your wife, and your girlfriend anymore. You have brought an innocent child into the world now and need to assume the consequences. "Aint getting the butterflies anymore" don't cut it when you have that kind of responsibility. You need to suck it up sweetheart. Just my opinion.

 

I disagree with this big time. This guy's heart and feelings are not towards his wife. His wife deserves better. He should leave his wife.

 

armstm is still the father of his children whether he's married to current wife, or if he's single and dating, or if he's married to someone else. It makes no difference. He can still "assume the consequences" while being a single man, or while divorcing his current wife and being with this other woman. "Sucking it up" so to speak is extremely un-healthy for anybody, and it can be a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

 

And, it sounds like you still have a loving wife. And still having fun with her. So it's not like hell on earth, right? After all remember nothing's ever perfect. If you can't love your wife, then why not stay and love your child?!

 

He can love his child either way. It makes no difference who he is with.

[seren]

ARMSTM, you tell your wife you are no longer in love with her and that you have been having an A with your soulmate and then you leave, presumably to be with your soulmate presuming she wants to end her new relationship so you can be together and live in soulmate harmony. Meanwhile, your wife will be devastated, but will get over it in time, and be free to fall in love with someone else, possibly her soulmate and you can support your family and all will work itself out in time. That would be the preferable outcome to all this.

 

It might pan out that when you think of your wife with another man that you stop and realise that this is not something you could ever imagine, that it would tear you apart to think that she could have a better life without you, but you coud be with your soulmate and so that would be a better solution than pining away and being with a woman who by your reckoning would be second best. Personally, I think that day to day life, problems, arguments, the little special moments between two people whose love has calmed but is still strong can add to loving. Stormy seas are exciting and exhilarating, but a calm sea can be good too. Perhaps if you spent as much time wooing and schmoozing your wife that you would get back what you put in.

 

It might also be that your wife heaves a sigh of relief at finally working out why you have been away, distracted, distant and all the things that WS display during an A. You say that the OW tried to end it a few times and you started it back up and that she ended it, sorry to be blunt, but it might be that she just isn't in to you and that while she is your soulmate, you just aren't hers, to move on so quickly suggests as much. It all sounds very Mills and Boon'ish, but it is your reality so pointless going on about it. Just man up, tell the truth I am sure your wife will realise that treating your husband 'like a king' has been a waste of her time, she needs to find someone who can treat her like a queen and that isn't you.

[FL510]

Was it really that big a deal for her? As a former BS and OW, as an OW the best thing you can do is end and move on quickly. Remember, often the OW, and in this case, is SINGLE. They are the ones being asked, for two years in this case, to be patient and hold on.

 

I think the MM who wants his cake and eat it too, would have been equally devastated if the wife announced she was moving on. Because it's not about just losing the OW, it's about losing period. Just because you want it all, doesn't mean you can have it all.

 

 

Agreed that the best way is to end it quickly, just that after you did that did you find another guy a couple weeks later? Perhaps she had come to that conclusion far earlier then the OP thought.

 

I was a BS, now am a WH. I honestly think that 90 percent or more MM who are in long term affairs are cake-eaters. Probably more. Unless they are ACTIVELY going down the separation/divorce road, it's mostly talk and Bull.

[2long]

Whether you tell your W or not... I think it would cause more hurt than good... but that's just me.

 

Don't encourage continued lying, please. The hurt was caused by having the affair. The truth will be liberating.

 

After all, you didn't get physical, so it's technically not adultery.

 

Bull feathers. Read up on emotional affairs.

 

In a somewhat similar situation, I did tell my wife, and it actually improved things a lot between us as a sort of electro-shock to the marriage, but my "EA" if you want to call it that had been much, much shorter (just a matter of days) and it was easy to cut contact (and prove that I had done so) as it was long distance.

 

I commend you for doing the right thing. Please encourage the OP 2 do likewise.

 

-ol' 2long

[Turtles]

I disagree with this big time. This guy's heart and feelings are not towards his wife. His wife deserves better. He should leave his wife.

 

Hey, don't get me wrong. I love being in love too. But, I don't think it's a good enough excuse. There's love, and then there's responsibility, and you can't go around trampling lives in the name of love.

 

As long as they are still having fun together you can get some form of love back. I don't believe the "in love" feeling is ever meant to last more than a few years anyway.

 

If you can be sure the baby will be cared for... i.e. the wife has enough of a support system, family, financial means... then, maybe.

[Turtles]

Don't encourage continued lying, please. The hurt was caused by having the affair. The truth will be liberating.

 

If you leave, by all mean tell her.

 

 

If you stay, then you're already lying by pretending you love her, so what's one more.

[Turtles]

Bull feathers. Read up on emotional affairs.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Emotional affairs, porn affairs, whatever. At the rate this is going we'll soon be in trouble for winking at the barmaid. You still have to draw the line somewhere. That's why I said adultery - it's a legal term.

[stillafool]

armstm is still the father of his children whether he's married to current wife, or if he's single and dating, or if he's married to someone else. It makes no difference. He can still "assume the consequences" while being a single man, or while divorcing his current wife and being with this other woman. "Sucking it up" so to speak is extremely un-healthy for anybody, and it can be a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

 

He can love his child either way. It makes no difference who he is with.

 

I completely agree. If you are no longer in love with your wife then go for a divorce. I certainly wouldn't want a husband to stay with me just for the child's sake. If you divorce before the child is born they baby will have never known the two of you to live together and may make it easier. At any rate, you certainly wouldn't be doing your wife any favor by staying with her but really desiring your OW. Do the right thing - divorce. Let your wife treat a man who is in love with her like the king.

[Turtles]

All this stuff is well and good. Listen to your heart, let your wife have the prince charming she truly deserves, etc etc etc.

 

The bottom line is, don't you let that child go hungry. That is all.

[jnj express]

It looks like the original poster has left the building

 

There should be some kind of requirement, that a poster has to stick around, and be involved in their thread for, at least some period of time----otherwise we are just all talking to each other!!!!!!