Feelsgoodman Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I became sexually active in the early 80s when orgies were a very prevalent activity. At that point, it was no big deal to go to someone's home and engage in sexual activity with 20 or 30 people in a weekend. Riiiiiigt. Perfectly normal Lastly, I have never had an STD and get tested regularly. I also have not been sexually active for several years so don't think this activity has been constant throughout my adult life. Statistically speaking, that's rather unlikely, especially considering that condoms weren't nearly as commonplace in the early 80s as they are today...
ASG Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Riiiiiigt. Perfectly normal Statistically speaking, that's impossible, even if you used condoms. You do know that statistics are *just* that, right?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I would feel 'used' if they misrepresented themselves or their intentions.
zengirl Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I agree being "used" is about misrepresentation in most cases, I hope. If everyone was honest, no one was "used." And both men and women can be users or be used. Excuse me, but why are you having sex than if not for fun, not for the intimicy and joy of being with someone else??? Just to please another man?? I don't get it why women throw this "being used" statement all the time. Because a lot more men misrepresent themselves for sex than women do, I imagine. And, on the flip side, a lot more women also fool themselves by employing silly rules like "I can't talk a relationship till after sex" but "I only want to have sex with guys who want a relationship with me." How can anyone possibly reconcile those two positions appropriately? Yet so many women I know hold BOTH of those ideas in their head. That's a quick road to dissonance. But plenty of men --- not all or even most, but lots --- will misrepresent their intentions to get laid.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 I don't get it... Why would anyone fear being used? That is the kind of thought that has never crossed my mind. If I decide to have sex with someone, I go into it expecting to have fun. I don't wait to make sure it's an exclusive relationship or whatever. I'm quite happy with casual sex myself and would never enter a full blown RS without having sex first. But I digress... Why would "being used" cross my mind, at any point? I don't use sex as a weapon. I don't use it to ensnare guys. I just happen to like it a lot! What could they possibly be using me for? For sex? Not more than I've used them! I agree, the argument makes sense on the surface. But there are lots of people who 'feel' used and you hear woman esp. say this all the time. Things like "we had sex, and now he's off having sex with another woman". If its just one person, and you casually have sex for a short time and later decide you don't want a relationship, no big deal, perhaps a bit of a disappointment, but you both gave it a good try. That's life. I think it gets more confusing when you deal with people that have casual sex and date many people. In those cases, I think there is some deception or selfishness at play here because you can usually tell if a person is looking for a relationship when you are dating them, and to have sex and continue to date other people does strike me as problem. I would say the other person needs to take responsibility here as well, but feeling used seems somewhat of a real issue. If you are FWB then no problem because you both know where you stand and you can have all the casual sex you want. I think if I dated someone for a few months knowing full well they wanted a relationship with me (though never spoken) and I was just having casual sex and fun with them and others, I would feel like I was manipulating the situation, so I don't do those things. Technically however, I could argue I had done nothing wrong because it was never talked about, and perhaps technically speaking I did nothing wrong. That strikes me as being a player, and I think it is generally agreed that people think there is a problem with behaving in that manner.
Cypress25 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I don't get it... Why would anyone fear being used? That is the kind of thought that has never crossed my mind. If I decide to have sex with someone, I go into it expecting to have fun. I don't wait to make sure it's an exclusive relationship or whatever. I'm quite happy with casual sex myself and would never enter a full blown RS without having sex first. People who fear being used are people who don't want casual sex. They want sex to be special and meaningful, and they expect their partner to genuinely care about them. They are not trying to use sex as a weapon, nor are they trying to ensnare their partner. Many women feel used after sex because they thought the guy really cared about them, and then they find out that he just wanted to get laid. That's hurtful. This is the very reason that I wait until I'm in a committed relationship before I have sex. I have no interest in casual sex, and I know I would feel used if my partner dumped me after sex. So I wait, because I need a strong emotional connection before I'm ready to have sex with a guy. Why would "being used" cross my mind, at any point? I don't use sex as a weapon. I don't use it to ensnare guys. I just happen to like it a lot! What could they possibly be using me for? For sex? Not more than I've used them! That's fine for you, but not everyone enjoys casual sex. Personally, I don't understand how the words "casual" and "sex" could be in the same sentence, but everyone is different. For me, something as intimate and personal as sex could never be casual. I don't casually take off my clothes and share my body with anyone. And I don't use guys for sex, so I would be very unhappy if a guy tried to use me for sex.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I don't get it... Why would anyone fear being used? That is the kind of thought that has never crossed my mind. If I decide to have sex with someone, I go into it expecting to have fun. I don't wait to make sure it's an exclusive relationship or whatever. I'm quite happy with casual sex myself and would never enter a full blown RS without having sex first. But I digress... Why would "being used" cross my mind, at any point? I don't use sex as a weapon. I don't use it to ensnare guys. I just happen to like it a lot! What could they possibly be using me for? For sex? Not more than I've used them! I like sex alot too. It is a false assumption that those who like sex, naturally, have sex with lots of people or have sex early in a relationship.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I like sex alot too. It is a false assumption that those who like sex, naturally, have sex with lots of people or have sex early in a relationship. Why would that be a false assumption? I think there are a lot of people who have sex early in their dating or relationship. Perhaps not date 1 or 2, but date 4,5,6. I think quite a few do based on what I've been reading and hearing. Is there a statistic that proves that assumption false for those who really like to have sex?
Cypress25 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Why would that be a false assumption? I think there are a lot of people who have sex early in their dating or relationship. Perhaps not date 1 or 2, but date 4,5,6. I think quite a few do based on what I've been reading and hearing. Is there a statistic that proves that assumption false for those who really like to have sex? I think ThsAmericanLife meant that just because someone likes sex doesn't necessarily mean they'll have sex in the early stages of dating. Everyone likes sex, but many people don't have sex so early in relationships. It's not because they don't like sex. It's because they prefer to develop an emotional connection with their partner before having sex. The assumption is that if you like sex, you'll have it right away. And if you want to wait, that must mean you don't like sex. Those assumptions are false. I love sex, but I refuse to have sex outside of a committed relationship. If someone has sex on the first date, it's not because they like sex more than I do. It's because they view sex as casual, meaningless fun, whereas I view sex as a meaningful, intimate experience that should be shared with someone who truly cares for me. How much you like sex has nothing to do with it.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I think ThsAmericanLife meant that just because someone likes sex doesn't necessarily mean they'll have sex in the early stages of dating. Everyone likes sex, but many people don't have sex so early in relationships. It's not because they don't like sex. It's because they prefer to develop an emotional connection with their partner before having sex. The assumption is that if you like sex, you'll have it right away. And if you want to wait, that must mean you don't like sex. Those assumptions are false. I love sex, but I refuse to have sex outside of a committed relationship. If someone has sex on the first date, it's not because they like sex more than I do. It's because they view sex as casual, meaningless fun, whereas I view sex as a meaningful, intimate experience that should be shared with someone who truly cares for me. How much you like sex has nothing to do with it. Thanks, yes, then I agree. My experience has been that some of the most sexually adventurous people I've ever been with preferred a committed relationship. The exception to that might be rebounders or people just out of a LTR who sometimes crave early sex.
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