bluenightowl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 For the women here, if you have ever had early sex, lets say date 1,2,or 3. Everything is going well, and the guy continues to want to see you, and might even be giving you lots of attention, how are you feeling at that point. Are you thinking there is something wrong with this guy, that he is a player. Are you regretting having had sex even though the guy likes you. Why I am getting so much attention? Are you worried what you friends are thinking? Or are you just happy you are still dating (if you like him of course)
CarrieT Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Every woman is different. I have been the type of person to have sex within the first date or two and if it goes well, it becomes a relationship pretty darn quick. But I have been a serial monogamist. This is something I have been thinking a lot about as I have started seeing a guy who insists on NOT having sex for at least three months. Now I am 47 years old, have a HUNDREDS of lovers, and have never EVER had someone wait. So for me, it is freaky to not have sex right off the bat but I know younger women think about these things entirely differently than I had to 20-some years ago...
FitChick Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 This is something I have been thinking a lot about as I have started seeing a guy who insists on NOT having sex for at least three months. Now I am 47 years old, have a HUNDREDS of lovers, and have never EVER had someone wait. Is he middle-aged? He might be impotent. I don't believe in rules but go by the man and the moment.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 So for me, it is freaky to not have sex right off the bat but I know younger women think about these things entirely differently than I had to 20-some years ago... So then no fear you are being used. Are you someone who can separate sex from a deeper relationship?
mr.dream merchant Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Every woman is different. I have been the type of person to have sex within the first date or two and if it goes well, it becomes a relationship pretty darn quick. But I have been a serial monogamist. This is something I have been thinking a lot about as I have started seeing a guy who insists on NOT having sex for at least three months. Now I am 47 years old, have a HUNDREDS of lovers, and have never EVER had someone wait. So for me, it is freaky to not have sex right off the bat but I know younger women think about these things entirely differently than I had to 20-some years ago... Hundreds? Wow that's pretty gross. I bet none of them ever found out the true number either, scandalous women.
CarrieT Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Is he middle-aged? He might be impotent. I don't believe in rules but go by the man and the moment. Actually, he told me has Type2 Diabetes and occasionally has to take a blue pill - which does not worry me (yes, he is middle aged - as am I). No; the reason is because one has to wait 90 days before being tested for HIV tests. So then no fear you are being used. Are you someone who can separate sex from a deeper relationship? In the past, no. That is why this has been so good for me - to learn about someone before there is that level of intimacy. Hundreds? Wow that's pretty gross. I bet none of them ever found out the true number either, scandalous women. To each his own. I have never lied about my past and most of my partners have been equally as promiscuous so it is not a big deal amongst my circle and I'm considered relatively inexperienced compared to many.
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 For the women here, if you have ever had early sex, lets say date 1,2,or 3. Everything is going well, and the guy continues to want to see you, and might even be giving you lots of attention, how are you feeling at that point. Are you thinking there is something wrong with this guy, that he is a player. Are you regretting having had sex even though the guy likes you. Why I am getting so much attention? Are you worried what you friends are thinking? Or are you just happy you are still dating (if you like him of course) Technically, I've only had sex in relationships, and in most cases that's meant waiting a long time. But I actually did have first date sex once (we already knew each other and hung out before, but it was our first technical date---I didn't really technically know his intentions, and it was the one time I went, "Oh, frack it. I don't care." I was living abroad, it'd been awhile, and I had a good feeling). I don't think it counts for these experiences, though, because he asked me to be his girlfriend the next day (well, as soon as we woke up). I couldn't believe how relieved I was when he asked, and that's when I decided: first date sex? Generally: not for me. Thankfully, I learned from a lovely story and not a sad one, but there you go. I think with the guys I date, sex is just as important to them as it is to me, so they'd need to define the relationship as well. The guys I date, and want to date, aren't scared of definitions and are proud to have me as their girlfriend, so they're pretty happy to get that out there, explicitly. The BF in question above helped me understand that about what I wanted.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 I think with the guys I date, sex is just as important to them as it is to me, so they'd need to define the relationship as well. The guys I date, and want to date, aren't scared of definitions and are proud to have me as their girlfriend, so they're pretty happy to get that out there, explicitly. The BF in question above helped me understand that about what I wanted. I think the thing that is clear from your posts is you make sure to date people with the same values and dating style as your own. As Carhil says, many people have very different views on these things, so understanding what your style is, is very important and if you stick to it, will likely attract people of a similar nature as it seems to be happening to you.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 I think with the guys I date, sex is just as important to them as it is to me, so they'd need to define the relationship as well. The guys I date, and want to date, aren't scared of definitions and are proud to have me as their girlfriend, so they're pretty happy to get that out there, explicitly. The BF in question above helped me understand that about what I wanted. I'm also curious though, if a guy made sexual advances and you were really attracted to him, liked the advances, would you stop him right then and there and talk to him about where things stood? and if he said he wasn't' sure what he wanted?
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I think the thing that is clear from your posts is you make sure to date people with the same values and dating style as your own. As Carhil says, many people have very different views on these things, so understanding what your style is, is very important and if you stick to it, will likely attract people of a similar nature as it seems to be happening to you. Oh, totally, I definitely try to date people who share my values on what I consider key issues. Otherwise, seems like it'd be a frustrating crapshoot, and that sounds dissonant and not at all fun! I'm also not saying MY values are the "right" values, but as you say: it's important to find out what your values (general you) are and then act with integrity towards them and maintain them to attract like minds. I'm also curious though, if a guy made sexual advances and you were really attracted to him, liked the advances, would you stop him right then and there and talk to him about where things stood? and if he said he wasn't' sure what he wanted? If I were really attracted to him, and he surprisingly made sexual advances (like actually trying to get me in bed?). . . if it were on those first three dates, I'd probably be a bit surprised, off-put, and wonder if I really liked him. That's sooner than appropriate for me, and, at this stage in my life, most guys I date seem to know that innately. Maybe it's the attracting like people, and that's probably part of it. But even the guys who WOULD move faster seem to let me set the pace---I think the woman usually does for these things. With "boys", they think women are the brakes and hold them responsible for all the stopping, but men, IME, have grown to realize that they need to allow the woman to set the tone and hold back to a degree on their own. Not to the degree where they act like a brother or a monk or anything, but sex? Sex is something you let build and you wait for some pretty big signals before attempting when you're dating a gal like me. So, if a guy suddenly went from 0 to sex-mode, I'd be kind of appalled to be honest. With the guy I had technical first date sex with? I totally decided to do it, and I led the way on that. I already knew and liked him, and we'd known each other for months. Actually, every time I've had sex, I've given the guy a relatively clear go-ahead, with the exception being my college BF who tried and tried and tried until finally I said yes (he was a "boy"). That said, I don't put men in positions to make mistakes on what I want. I don't confuse them by jumping on top of them and then saying, "No, not ready." I make my own moves and affections clear and measured because that's what separates a woman (clear on what she wants and her boundaries) from a girl (swings back and forth and is confusing).
Cypress25 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I'm also curious though, if a guy made sexual advances and you were really attracted to him, liked the advances, would you stop him right then and there and talk to him about where things stood? and if he said he wasn't' sure what he wanted? Every woman is different, but personally, I don't have sex outside of committed relationships. So I've never had sex in the early stages of dating, but I do other intimate things like kissing, making out, hand jobs (not on a first date!) etc. I stop him if it starts to go too far. I wouldn't choose that moment to discuss our relationship, I would just continue kissing or doing whatever it was that we were doing. I always wait for the guy to bring up the topic of an exclusive relationship. It usually happens after about 5-6 weeks of dating. Until then, I continue dating him and engaging in whatever physical stuff I feel comfortable with. But there will be no sex or oral unless he asks for a real relationship. And then it will be another 1-2 months before sex (I'll avoid oral as long as I can, lol) because I have to make sure he's for real. I have no problem limiting the physical stuff, and I don't feel the need to explain myself. If we're kissing and he makes a move to take off my pants, I simply put my hand out and stop him. Then I'll go back to kissing him. At that point, he should realize "Oh, she's cool with making out but she doesn't want to have sex yet." If he's truly baffled by this, he's free to ask questions. The way I see it, if a guy doesn't want an exclusive relationship with me yet, then he doesn't get to have sex with me yet. Makes my life a lot easier.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Hundreds? Wow that's pretty gross. I bet none of them ever found out the true number either, scandalous women. I have to agree with merchant...hundreds of lovers?? That's pretty messed up. How many hundreds, by the way? I don't even see how that's possible unless you were a working girl and/or had one night stands pretty much every weekend for a number of years...
sm1tten Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 For the women here, if you have ever had early sex, lets say date 1,2,or 3. Everything is going well, and the guy continues to want to see you, and might even be giving you lots of attention, how are you feeling at that point. Feeling pretty good, akshually. Are you thinking there is something wrong with this guy, that he is a player. Only if I wondered that prior to dropping my pants. But the only guy I've ever slept with who turned out to be an actual player was the first one - I have a generally good radar for those guys. Are you regretting having had sex even though the guy likes you. No, I rarely regret having sex with someone. Why I am getting so much attention? Because I'm awesome? Are you worried what you friends are thinking? I don't really talk to my friends about that sort of thing, but when I do, I've never felt judged. Or are you just happy you are still dating (if you like him of course) Yep, if I still like him and it's going well, why not? That's not to say that I never have any doubts or insecurities, either. I just tend to have rather similar thought processes in my relationships irregardless of when/if sex occurred. And in all cases except for a handful, I was dating this person and the sex occurred at the beginning of what became a relationship within days of the sexual event. I suppose the sex could have been considered "casual" because we weren't usually "boyfriend/girlfriend" yet but it did happen. Also, I did some math. Based on my current "rate," at CarrieT's age I will have had 89 lovers. I'm always puzzled by the obsession with the number I see on LS because no one has ever asked me for my number.
Ginger Beer Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Hundreds? Wow that's pretty gross. I bet none of them ever found out the true number either, scandalous women. To each his own. I have never lied about my past and most of my partners have been equally as promiscuous so it is not a big deal amongst my circle and I'm considered relatively inexperienced compared to many. I agree with both of these posts apart from dream merchant's name-calling.
CarrieT Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I have to agree with merchant...hundreds of lovers?? That's pretty messed up. How many hundreds, by the way? I don't even see how that's possible unless you were a working girl and/or had one night stands pretty much every weekend for a number of years... I became sexually active in the early 80s when orgies were a very prevalent activity. At that point, it was no big deal to go to someone's home and engage in sexual activity with 20 or 30 people in a weekend. I stopped counting, but I am going by my general history to know that it is easily more than 100 but probably less than 200. I've known men who bragged about having more than 1,000 and seeing them operate, it wouldn't surprise me. Lastly, I have never had an STD and get tested regularly. I also have not been sexually active for several years so don't think this activity has been constant throughout my adult life.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Some women like being treated like whores, and some like to be treated like princesses. Depends.
Ayla Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Personally I don't have sex with someone on the first few dates, however when I have had some type of physical intamacy (oral, hand job, sex) I do get a little insecure or worried. Primarily because I don't just sleep with anyone, and when I do it is because I like them, and I feel like I have let them in...and opened myself to the risk of getting hurt again. Im going through that at the moment, and I'm scared *****less
Author bluenightowl Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Every woman is different, but personally, I don't have sex outside of committed relationships. So I've never had sex in the early stages of dating, but I do other intimate things like kissing, making out, hand jobs (not on a first date!) etc. I stop him if it starts to go too far. I wouldn't choose that moment to discuss our relationship, I would just continue kissing or doing whatever it was that we were doing. I always wait for the guy to bring up the topic of an exclusive relationship. It usually happens after about 5-6 weeks of dating. Until then, I continue dating him and engaging in whatever physical stuff I feel comfortable with. But there will be no sex or oral unless he asks for a real relationship. And then it will be another 1-2 months before sex (I'll avoid oral as long as I can, lol) because I have to make sure he's for real. I have no problem limiting the physical stuff, and I don't feel the need to explain myself. If we're kissing and he makes a move to take off my pants, I simply put my hand out and stop him. Then I'll go back to kissing him. At that point, he should realize "Oh, she's cool with making out but she doesn't want to have sex yet." If he's truly baffled by this, he's free to ask questions. The way I see it, if a guy doesn't want an exclusive relationship with me yet, then he doesn't get to have sex with me yet. Makes my life a lot easier. and if a woman makes such advances for sex, oral, and wants to continue to date other guys, time to move on?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) Is he middle-aged? He might be impotent. I don't believe in rules but go by the man and the moment. Believe it or not... there are many people who have very active libidos who choose to wait. I'm one of them. It does concern me that the trend in dating (ie **** by 3rd date or else) creates stigma for others who have gone down that path and found it unsatisfying or just plain stupid... ... or who always felt sex was special and waited. That said, I don't necessarily believe people who have sex early are 'slutty'. I do think they are cutting short something with real potential by having sex before genuine intimacy has a chance to develop. its kind of funny... people have sex early because they are afraid of losing an opportunity... when, by doing so, they are actually reducing the opportunity of something real developing. A self-fulfilling prophecy. Edited August 27, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife
ASG Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Hundreds? Wow that's pretty gross. I bet none of them ever found out the true number either, scandalous women. WOW!! You are SUCH a hypocrite!!! Going the way you're going, you'll soon have HUNDREDS under the belt! So kindly STFU.
April72 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 It just depends. I have dated guys that we slept together early and ended up dating for awhile. I have also slept with them and it was it. And other times for some reason I made them wait and some of those worked and some didn't. It really just depends on the two people involved and where they are in their lives at the time and how attracted they are to each other. It takes much more then sex to make a relationship last more them a few weeks/months. So if the other is missing it won't last. Of course if I slept with a guy early and he showered me with attention I would assume he liked it and wanted more. I have had this happen and there again some worked some didn't. Of course those that disappeared I knew that sex was it all it was. I don't think there is a patton answer here.
CarrieT Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 WOW!! You are SUCH a hypocrite!!! Going the way you're going, you'll soon have HUNDREDS under the belt! So kindly STFU. Thanks for that reminder, ASG - this is the guy who once he gets it, doesn't want it anymore!!!
Professor X Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 So then no fear you are being used. Excuse me, but why are you having sex than if not for fun, not for the intimicy and joy of being with someone else??? Just to please another man?? I don't get it why women throw this "being used" statement all the time. You don't like to have sex? than don't have sex! - no1 is forcing you. You like to have sex? Than have sex and enjoy it god damnit!!! If you can only have sex within a RS like Zengirl and like myself than wait until you're exclusive or whatnot to have sex with him! Problem solved. If you rush to sex in hope to ensnare a guy than you deserve what you get, but you also weren't used because you used your sexuality only it backfired at you. The only possible way this "used" statement has any validity is if you come to a guy and tell him "look, we can have sex only if we marry in the end!" and he will agree only to end up dumping you a week later (after having sex of course). Sorry, but it really melts my brain.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) Excuse me, but why are you having sex than if not for fun, not for the intimicy and joy of being with someone else??? Just to please another man?? I don't get it why women throw this "being used" statement all the time. You don't like to have sex? than don't have sex! - no1 is forcing you. You like to have sex? Than have sex and enjoy it god damnit!!! If you can only have sex within a RS like Zengirl and like myself than wait until you're exclusive or whatnot to have sex with him! Problem solved. If you rush to sex in hope to ensnare a guy than you deserve what you get, but you also weren't used because you used your sexuality only it backfired at you. The only possible way this "used" statement has any validity is if you come to a guy and tell him "look, we can have sex only if we marry in the end!" and he will agree only to end up dumping you a week later (after having sex of course). Sorry, but it really melts my brain. I think you are misunderstanding here. First off, I'm a guy. The question is really about getting more insight into why she doesn't have any fear of being used. Clearly she doesn't if she's had sex with 100 people. As for myself, I agree and have learned taking ones time to get to know someone is the best way to go preferably before sex. I do think its not that hard for a guy to talk about the relationship after sex as I've mentioned, but if you want a relationship its is definitely good to talk about it around the time you begin to have sex if only to know where you are both at. If someone says to me, they don't know what they want after sex, I would assume they plan to continue to date and possibly have sex with other people and I would move on, but that's just me. I figure if you're ready to have sex with me but not a relationship, then something is mismatched and they probably are waiting to see what else is out there. Lots of other people seem to enjoy saying nothing for fear of scaring them off, and some men who feel its the woman's jobs to prove her interest by asking him. I disagree with that kind of thinking purely based on my own experience. I would say that if people take things a bit slower, you can just enjoy each other a lot more without getting into those types of conversations too early. Edited August 27, 2011 by bluenightowl
ASG Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I think you are misunderstanding here. First off, I'm a guy. The question is really about getting more insight into why she doesn't have any fear of being used. Clearly she doesn't if she's had sex with 100 people. I don't get it... Why would anyone fear being used? That is the kind of thought that has never crossed my mind. If I decide to have sex with someone, I go into it expecting to have fun. I don't wait to make sure it's an exclusive relationship or whatever. I'm quite happy with casual sex myself and would never enter a full blown RS without having sex first. But I digress... Why would "being used" cross my mind, at any point? I don't use sex as a weapon. I don't use it to ensnare guys. I just happen to like it a lot! What could they possibly be using me for? For sex? Not more than I've used them!
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