Do Men Really Want To Be Approached?

[rafallus]

IME, no they do not.

That's too much of a blanket statement.

 

I wouldn't mind being approached by a reasonably attractive person, unless she seems to have a hidden agenda, that would make me feel awkward.

[ThsAmericanLife]

If a woman approaches I think she is desperate, a sex maniac, or too easy. I rather be approached by indirect flirtatious behavior.

 

I cannot believe you are ugly. I bet there are things about you that are awesome. As I got older I learned to find hidden assets in most women.

 

If men don't hit on you is not because of your looks. Average looking folks have as much fun dating as model quality people. Perhaps you do not project the correct signals to men.

 

OMG!! I'm shocked! Really?

 

I'm none of the above, and I don't have any problems approaching a guy I like. In real life, I started doing it because I was told that I intimidate men... I'm so 'pretty' and smart, and all that (blah blah). In the online world I did it to avoid managing emails from men I wasn't interested in.

 

Why should a woman who knows what she wants wait??

 

On the other hand... I'm also pretty good at knowing when a guy is a) shy or b) just not interested. I'll test the waters a little first... the minute I get the idea he is not the shy type (and would ask me out if he were interested), I back off.

 

Although, I will say... sometimes I'll make a move just to make a man's day. If he's cute and seems sweet. Why not? In the spirit of the European style of flirtation. Who doesn't like the feeling that the opposite sex finds them attractive? Even if it goes absolutely nowhere...

[GoodOnPaper]

I can look for a guy who smiles at me and maintains eye contact... But if he was interested, wouldn't he approach me? Doesn't NOT approaching me mean he's NOT interested?

 

Not necessarily -- he may be trying to figure out if you really want him to approach. Some of us are at the learning-disability level when it comes to reading signs of interest from women. After all . . .

 

I don't think ANYONE would willingly go into a situation where there's a 99% chance they're gonna fail.

 

When I was young, I would have been on the I-wish-women-would-approach bandwagon. But in retrospect, what I really meant was, "I wish I could tell when/if a woman was interested in me." Because . . .

 

Many other men love it...but they want to be approached by ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.

 

I would amend this a little -- for me, I wanted to be approached by women whom I would have wanted to approach, anyway. I don't know how many average guys are prepared for the awkwardness that comes with having a woman approach with more interest in you than you have in her -- I certainly wasn't.

[ThsAmericanLife]

We've already established that you're not unattractive.

 

As a believer in equal opportunity and equal responsibility, I've always been (this means back in the early 80's when I was your age) open to women being assertive in romance.

 

To date, the preponderance of women who have demonstrated this assertion have either been hoovers, mind-fµckers or married. I can't recall a single healthy woman but it's been 30+ years of memory so I might be mistaken. If I experience other datapoints, I'll add. The most recent datapoints were one mind-fµcker and one married woman. Looking forward to something different. Hope it works out.

 

woah! Another data point from someone else I respect here....

 

Hmmm...

 

Noone has ever called me a 'hoover' or a mind-****er... or even close.

 

Wow though. It is interesting to see how this is percieved though. Never had any idea.

 

Where I'm coming from is that I just don't see the point in gender rules about these things... and I'm looking for someone who doesn't have rigid gender roles in mind either.

 

I suspect that there IS a generational difference here. It comes up in the topic of who pays or who doesn't as well.

 

Some food for thought though...

[zengirl]

It depends HOW you approach.

 

If a guy thinks you're attractive, and you go up and start a conversation with him? And he finds out he likes talking to you too? And he's single? Well, unless he's some kind of control freak idiot, of course, he's going to like that (and even if he's not single, or all that interested, he'll usually be gracious IME).

 

Do men like to talk to women they find attractive? YES. People act like an approach --- male or female --- has to be some calculated thing. Just talk to people! It's not that hard, and if both of you are interested, you'll get that cute nervous thing, and you'll hopefully get there. If I get the cute nervous thing, I'll try to see if a guy is single and sometimes -- if he seems particularly shy -- ask if he wants to call me sometime. That's as forward as I get, and I don't get all the way there every time because either (a) he doesn't seem single/interested, (b) once I talk to him, I'm not as interested, © he beats me to the punch.

 

It's a moot point for me at the moment, but I've found just introducing yourself to a guy is going to go a long way if he's interested.

 

Originally Posted by carhill

We've already established that you're not unattractive.

 

As a believer in equal opportunity and equal responsibility, I've always been (this means back in the early 80's when I was your age) open to women being assertive in romance.

 

To date, the preponderance of women who have demonstrated this assertion have either been hoovers, mind-fµckers or married. I can't recall a single healthy woman but it's been 30+ years of memory so I might be mistaken. If I experience other datapoints, I'll add. The most recent datapoints were one mind-fµcker and one married woman. Looking forward to something different. Hope it works out.

 

Interesting. I think this is one of the things that potentially differs by generation, as it was abnormal for women to approach in those generations, so getting abnormal datapoints doesn't surprise me. Most of my younger than me friends approach by second nature; most of my older than me (I'm 27 in two weeks!) friends are still getting the hang of it OR refuse to ever do it.

 

For how I got into doing it. . . I like talking to people, so the first few times I approached a guy it was no different than the way I'd make a new friend with anyone---I'm just saying "hi." It wasn't until I realized I found better quality men that way that I made it my main way of meeting people, on or offline. I never approach with a sexualized manner of any kind, really, as that's not appropriate from either gender IMO.

Edited August 26, 2011 by zengirl

[Pierre]

OMG!! I'm shocked! Really?

 

I'm none of the above, and I don't have any problems approaching a guy I like. In real life, I started doing it because I was told that I intimidate men... I'm so 'pretty' and smart, and all that (blah blah). In the online world I did it to avoid managing emails from men I wasn't interested in.

 

Why should a woman who knows what she wants wait??

 

On the other hand... I'm also pretty good at knowing when a guy is a) shy or b) just not interested. I'll test the waters a little first... the minute I get the idea he is not the shy type (and would ask me out if he were interested), I back off.

 

Although, I will say... sometimes I'll make a move just to make a man's day. If he's cute and seems sweet. Why not? In the spirit of the European style of flirtation. Who doesn't like the feeling that the opposite sex finds them attractive? Even if it goes absolutely nowhere...

 

A very direct approach is unsavory whether done by a man or a woman. Sometimes a woman will say no to a guy that is very direct and to the point. Men are not that different.

 

The best approach for a woman is to use her charm. She can do a lot with her eyes and body language. She can initiate conversation about the weather rather than about "let go out"..

 

The woman needs to be sexy even if she is classified as non-attractive. Being a bit coy and demure while being flirtatious is a plus. If the woman is too obvious and direct it looks like desperation. Women would think the same about a man that approaches in a blunt manner.

 

From my perspective it would be:

 

1. Persistent eye contact

2. Sensuality from a distance or body language

3. If there is such a thing as a facial expression that says I am horny, that would help.

4. Sexy, but demure, not overtly aggressive.

5. Feminine, this should be easy for all types of women.

6. Indirect approach. Find some sort of excuse to walk close by or pretend you need some info or directions.

[grkBoy]

I'd have to agree with Pierre in that the best effective thing women can do is just give openings. Show interest, chat, flirt, etc...if the guy isn't an idiot or totally not into the girl, he'll ask for a number or a date.

[verhrzn]

1. Persistent eye contact

2. Sensuality from a distance or body language

3. If there is such a thing as a facial expression that says I am horny, that would help.

4. Sexy, but demure, not overtly aggressive.

5. Feminine, this should be easy for all types of women.

6. Indirect approach. Find some sort of excuse to walk close by or pretend you need some info or directions.

 

It seems what people are saying is that men don't mind being approached so long as: 1) the female is attractive and 2) she isn't obvious about it. (As in, she sends out subtle signals that she's interested/approaching the guy.)

 

But if I was attractive and giving off those signals, wouldn't guys then be approaching me, making my question moot?

 

What I'm getting out of this thread is that I really shouldn't bother, because I am neither attractive nor "sexy/demure/feminine." So does that mean if I'm never approached and it's a waste of time to approach, I'm pretty much SOL?

[Professor X]

It seems what people are saying is that men don't mind being approached so long as: 1) the female is attractive and 2) she isn't obvious about it. (As in, she sends out subtle signals that she's interested/approaching the guy.)

 

But if I was attractive and giving off those signals, wouldn't guys then be approaching me, making my question moot?

 

What I'm getting out of this thread is that I really shouldn't bother, because I am neither attractive nor "sexy/demure/feminine." So does that mean if I'm never approached and it's a waste of time to approach, I'm pretty much SOL?

 

I'm pretty sure that Pierre means you should be working on those traits; Being attractive / sexy / demure / feminine is not something everyone has, and as such, will require some to achieve and amplify them.

 

You're not a lost case, so get it out of your head!

[fortyninethousand322]

It seems what people are saying is that men don't mind being approached so long as: 1) the female is attractive and 2) she isn't obvious about it. (As in, she sends out subtle signals that she's interested/approaching the guy.)

 

But if I was attractive and giving off those signals, wouldn't guys then be approaching me, making my question moot?

 

What I'm getting out of this thread is that I really shouldn't bother, because I am neither attractive nor "sexy/demure/feminine." So does that mean if I'm never approached and it's a waste of time to approach, I'm pretty much SOL?

 

Well a few points:

 

1) I find a great number of women to be attractive, and there are a lot of women that other people find attractive that I'm not really all that crazy about. So, despite what people say attractiveness is to a great extent subjective.

 

2) I don't necessarily want women to approach me nor do I want them not to approach me. What I want is to be able to discern interest from friendliness or just a woman being nice. So, if a woman came up to me and started talking, etc. I'm pretty sure I'd be perfectly ok with that, but I would do the approaching if I thought there was any chance of success.

 

3) I like what Zengirl said about approaching not being some calculated thing. I mean just going up to a guy you think is cute/interesting, etc. and saying hi or having a conversation is technically approaching. I can't see how any guy would object to that.

 

Overall, I don't think you're completely SOL.

[verhrzn]

I'm pretty sure that Pierre means you should be working on those traits; Being attractive / sexy / demure / feminine is not something everyone has, and as such, will require some to achieve and amplify them.

 

How in the world do you learn to be attractive/sexy/demure/feminine??

[Professor X]

How in the world do you learn to be attractive/sexy/demure/feminine??

 

First of all you can start with clothing as well as hair style, you can move on to scents, make up, way of walking, way of standing and so on - yes, it's all an act, but you are trying to "sell" yourself after all in the same way that people wear make up and dress fancy to a first date.

 

You can also swap glasses for eye contacts, if you think you're to fat, go on a diet and exercise or if you're to thin, eat more; And the list goes on - you get the idea.

[tman666]

I'm going to echo Prof x and say that there's a lot of things one can do to be more attractive: be in good shape, dress appropriately, good hygiene, good hair, good make up, body language, etc.

 

I've been approached on occasion by women, and it's usually flattering. When it's not flattering is when the girl is pervy or crass. Classy is always the way to go.

 

Sorry to hear that some asshat was mean to you. Not cool...

[zengirl]

It seems what people are saying is that men don't mind being approached so long as: 1) the female is attractive and 2) she isn't obvious about it. (As in, she sends out subtle signals that she's interested/approaching the guy.)

 

But if I was attractive and giving off those signals, wouldn't guys then be approaching me, making my question moot?

 

What I'm getting out of this thread is that I really shouldn't bother, because I am neither attractive nor "sexy/demure/feminine." So does that mean if I'm never approached and it's a waste of time to approach, I'm pretty much SOL?

 

There are plenty of times I've not been approached by guys who were interested in me. While I am approached a fair amount, unless I give a guy a signal and opening, a non-creeper is rarely going to approach me. (The signal/opening doesn't have to be me actually approaching, but if I'm sitting at a table with a bunch of my friends, a normal, non-creepy guy will not come up to me just because I'm pretty.)

 

So . . . depends what you're doing. Quality guys will usually only approach you when you're alone (a group may approach a group of gals) --- not alone all night, but like when you happen to be alone for a minute --- and even then only if you don't have any "don't talk to me signals" up, which can be accidental. And even then only if they have some reasonable expectation of success.

 

So, there could be loads of reasons guys aren't approaching you that have nothing to do with your attractiveness. It's really hard to say. When I was younger, and less friendly towards strangers, men rarely approached me either. I was just as pretty, if not prettier, as I am now, and I get approached somewhat often now.

[thatone]

It seems what people are saying is that men don't mind being approached so long as: 1) the female is attractive and 2) she isn't obvious about it. (As in, she sends out subtle signals that she's interested/approaching the guy.)

 

But if I was attractive and giving off those signals, wouldn't guys then be approaching me, making my question moot?

 

What I'm getting out of this thread is that I really shouldn't bother, because I am neither attractive nor "sexy/demure/feminine." So does that mean if I'm never approached and it's a waste of time to approach, I'm pretty much SOL?

 

if the picture you posted awhile back is accurate you are not ugly.

 

you just hang around the worst men. going by your pics and the bar stories you've posted i suspect you go back and forth between the nerdy comic book/anime/etc types and the frat boy types at college bars.

 

neither of which are very good examples of single men.

[zengirl]

if the picture you posted awhile back is accurate you are not ugly.

 

Right? That picture was good. She's a really cute, nerdy girl. I think her Eeyore attitude is hurting her a lot. Maybe location and age too. If I knew you, OP, I could totally set you up with cute guys, unless you're completely socially awkward or a total bitch or something (which it never seemed like you were). That pic was cute!

[tman666]

if the picture you posted awhile back is accurate you are not ugly.

 

you just hang around the worst men. going by your pics and the bar stories you've posted i suspect you go back and forth between the nerdy comic book/anime/etc types and the frat boy types at college bars.

 

neither of which are very good examples of single men.

 

I second this. There are certain groups of females that I would never go after either. Likewise, maybe the OP's biggest problem is looking for guys in categories that don't match her.

 

College bars are the absolutely worst places to meet quality people, IMO.

[verhrzn]

you just hang around the worst men. going by your pics and the bar stories you've posted i suspect you go back and forth between the nerdy comic book/anime/etc types and the frat boy types at college bars.

 

neither of which are very good examples of single men.

 

What exactly are good examples of single men? The kind who hunt and fish and play sports? Cause aside from nerds or frat guys, those are the only three kinds of guys I ever see.

[thatone]

Right? That picture was good. She's a really cute, nerdy girl. I think her Eeyore attitude is hurting her a lot. Maybe location and age too. If I knew you, OP, I could totally set you up with cute guys, unless you're completely socially awkward or a total bitch or something (which it never seemed like you were). That pic was cute!

 

seriously, i don't see what her problem is, other than a complete lack of confidence. seems pretty simple to me.

 

go get some clothes that she would wear to work if she had an office type job, get a book or the newspaper, go sit down in any fairly high class bar or restaurant by herself and read while glancing around the room to see who is looking. problem should solve itself in a couple of hours tops .

[tman666]

What exactly are good examples of single men? The kind who hunt and fish and play sports? Cause aside from nerds or frat guys, those are the only three kinds of guys I ever see.

 

Maybe you ought to give us hunting/fishing/sport playing fellas a chance...

[zengirl]

What exactly are good examples of single men? The kind who hunt and fish and play sports? Cause aside from nerds or frat guys, those are the only three kinds of guys I ever see.

 

I don't think thatone was against all nerds (not sure but giving him the benefit of the doubt --- and nerds are awesome, btw) --- just the hypernerdy anime snobbishly nerdy types. That's a specific subset and usually a bit extreme.

[Feelsgoodman]

If a woman approaches I think she is desperate, a sex maniac, or too easy.

No offense, but you have issues. Serious ones. Most men would not assume that a girl is "desperate, a sex maniac or too easy" because she made the first move.

 

Personally, I don't mind when women initiate. I usually have work and other things on mind, to a point where I don't even notice the women around me, let alone try to hit on them.

[thatone]

I don't think thatone was against all nerds (not sure but giving him the benefit of the doubt --- and nerds are awesome, btw) --- just the hypernerdy anime snobbishly nerdy types. That's a specific subset and usually a bit extreme.

 

yeah, that's it precisely. in fairness i do still have friends i made online via playing video games in college. but even they wouldn't be at an anime convention dressed up in a little sailor outfit. there are extremes of any circle of people.

 

it's a simple matter of playing the odds. odds are most people at a comic book convention are socially awkward virgins. odds are most frat boys hanging around the same bar every week are douchebags.

 

so go elsewhere to increase the odds.

[zengirl]

yeah, that's it precisely. in fairness i do still have friends i made online via playing video games in college. but even they wouldn't be at an anime convention dressed up in a little sailor outfit. there are extremes of any circle of people.

 

it's a simple matter of playing the odds. odds are most people at a comic book convention are socially awkward virgins. odds are most frat boys hanging around the same bar every week are douchebags.

 

so go elsewhere to increase the odds.

 

Well, I've been to cons. And even at cons (the major ones), there's a huge range. If you think everyone at Comicon is a loser/virgin type, you've clearly never been to Comicon. There's a huge cross-section of people, including loads who are mostly mainstream. Same with all the major Cons. Smaller ones? Your point may apply.

 

I read comic books, love some anime, play the occasional video game, etc, as do a lot of my friends, but you couldn't "spot" us as nerds. I have dressed up for a con once with some friends for kicks, but mostly, I've been in my plain clothes. Dressing up was just for fun; like Halloween. It's the people who get super intense about it that are weirdos.

[Feelsgoodman]

But being around women who get hit on all my life... I wonder if that's really true. Do men really want to get hit on, in the same way women have traditionally been hit on, or are guys who say this only imagining a magical universe in which only attractive and amazing women throw themselves into their paths without any effort on their part?

 

I also ask this because I am not an attractive female. I absolutely never get hit on; I think I could stand on the corner naked with a giant sign that says "I will have sex with anyone" at bar close, and still get told "You need to get prettier." (Actual quote told to me by a random bar guy who I was not even interacting with, when I was fully clothed and doing nothing but minding my own business.)

Men are just like women. They like being hit on...but only by girls they find attractive. If a girl gets hit on by a guy she finds hot, she is flattered. But if she gets hit on by an unattractive guy, she considers it "creepy". It works the same way for guys...except guys, based on my observations, are generally less rude when rejecting unwanted approaches.

 

If you're going to start approaching guys and are of average or below average appearance, you can expect to be rejected...a lot (just like a guy in the same circumstances). Doesn't mean you won't ultimately be successful, but you will need to grow thick skin.

 

Also, your rejection rate will depend on how realistic your expectations are. In other words, you'd be far more successful trying to approach average and below average looking guys with average or below average jobs than, say, hot doctors and lawyers.