verhrzn Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 So around these boards, and other Internet places that I frequent, as well as personal experience, I hear over and over again from young men in my generation (I'm 26) about how much they would love the woman to take charge. How much they would love to be asked out, and not have to make the first move, and that it's time to get rid of such out-dated techniques as the man pursuing the woman. But being around women who get hit on all my life... I wonder if that's really true. Do men really want to get hit on, in the same way women have traditionally been hit on, or are guys who say this only imagining a magical universe in which only attractive and amazing women throw themselves into their paths without any effort on their part? I also ask this because I am not an attractive female. I absolutely never get hit on; I think I could stand on the corner naked with a giant sign that says "I will have sex with anyone" at bar close, and still get told "You need to get prettier." (Actual quote told to me by a random bar guy who I was not even interacting with, when I was fully clothed and doing nothing but minding my own business.) Since guys aren't coming to me, I'm told that I should throw my "sexist" mating traditions out the window anyway and do the approaching. I do often see guys in my everyday life who are my type... Being attracted to pale brunette nerdy types and working at an up-and-coming tech company is pretty much a bonanza of possibilities. However, I wonder if the reward is really worth the risk. I know guys get rejected, and sometimes they get rejected cruelly, because not all women are sparkling innocent unicorns. The majority of women, though, have spent their entire lives getting hit on by men they may not be attracted to, and have thus (if they are decent people) come up with ways to gently let a guy down. The majority of guys, however, seem to be blunt. Very blunt. And easily startled... like gazelle. Hypothetically, how would guys act if they are approached and hit on by an unattractive girl? Additionally, how would I even know who to hit on? Guys are told to look for hints that a woman is interested... eye contact, smiling, etc. I can look for a guy who smiles at me and maintains eye contact... But if he was interested, wouldn't he approach me? Doesn't NOT approaching me mean he's NOT interested? So how do I assess when there's a good chance of actually succeeding? Yeah, rejection is a part of dating, but I don't think ANYONE would willingly go into a situation where there's a 99% chance they're gonna fail. Thoughts?
Cracker Jack Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) I would welcome it, and have welcomed it plenty of times. It's not something I'd count on happening often, but it'd be nice. And I'd be kind to her whether she was attractive or not. That's just me. As for a guy maintaining eye contact with you and not approaching--there could be a # of reasons why he didn't approach you. While the "not interested" part could be true in this situation, it's also possible that the guy is just shy and not used to approaching women. Or he might just think you're friendly or something. No way of telling unless an approach is made. I've seen plenty of men rejected because they thought the woman smiling and making eye contact was her way of showing interest. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and see what happens. Also, stop calling yourself unattractive. Edited August 26, 2011 by Cracker Jack
Pierre Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 If a woman approaches I think she is desperate, a sex maniac, or too easy. I rather be approached by indirect flirtatious behavior. I cannot believe you are ugly. I bet there are things about you that are awesome. As I got older I learned to find hidden assets in most women. If men don't hit on you is not because of your looks. Average looking folks have as much fun dating as model quality people. Perhaps you do not project the correct signals to men.
crosswordfiend Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 No. I'd rather retain the power of choice in this equation. I've been on the receiving end of unwanted female attention and it's always really awkward. Just as it's socially frowned upon for a women to approach first, it's equally frowned upon for a guy to tell a woman to buzz off.
robertdawson Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Don't care about getting rejected. If someone tells you you need to be more attractive in a very blunt way they're an ******* anyway. Approach men you're attracted to. Some guys may be interested but are a) shy or b) can't think of anything decent to say so they don't want to seem like a weirdo by approaching you. I wouldn't mind being approached at all. If I didn't find a woman attractive who approached me I would politely talk to her but it would probably be obvious I was not interested. If someone ignores you or is rude just ignore them. Good luck.
Pierre Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Ok, if you must approach a man make sure the guy is a virgin with no experience that does not know how to approach women. A guy like that will welcome the approach.
padpanic Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Yes. We really would. Not all the time but certainly sometimes.
Author verhrzn Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Ok, if you must approach a man make sure the guy is a virgin with no experience that does not know how to approach women. A guy like that will welcome the approach. So my choices are.... be alone forever cause no guy ever approaches me, or virgins who are so desperate they'll take anyone?
Cracker Jack Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 No, those aren't your only choices. Good to see the other responses don't matter, tho.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I like to be approached. You want some of this? Just be not a guy (and with vey few exceptions, a republican).
Abhuman Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I get approached once in a while. But I don't sit back and expect to be approached. That's silly. Sometimes it can be awkward if the guy is with friends because they are going to tease later on if the woman was not up to their standards. Or especially if she was overweight. (telling it like it is) But I always try to act nice regardless of how attractive they are in my eyes.
bluenightowl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 If a woman approaches I think she is desperate, a sex maniac, or too easy. I rather be approached by indirect flirtatious behavior. I was approached once and it didn't bother me at all. I commended her for asking and went on some dates. In online dating I have no idea who approaches whom anymore.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Hmm, I'm going to guess that some men find you attractive (based on the odds... I just have a hard time believing any woman is completely undesirable). So, I'm also going to omit the "unattractive" woman part within your question... some guys are afraid of rejection themselves too, which could explain some of it. Ultimately... people are misleading. The man with the very unsavory and rude comment to you may have been intimidated by you and or thought to belittle you to compensate for his OWN insecurities. Maybe you reminded him of an ex that betrayed him =x... Besides, any man willing to throw that out is not worth taking seriously. (Also... if you shine like you're beautiful, *even if* your physique is asymmetrical, your vibe will draw someone in. I've seen plenty of men's heads turn and gawk at women who are far from what is media beauty, but who walked seductively and just oozed sexual confidence lol. Perhaps a good thing to learn) Now, in my experience, whenever I have pursued a man, they've enjoyed it. Buuuuuuuuut, I think it really depends on the man, the circumstances, and even how they're pursued. I had a friend who pursed men with a fury... she's a very strong-willed woman, very "masculine" even... and most of the time it seemed to push the men away. All around she's just very aggressive, very blunt and it just seems to go mostly unappreciated... But just taking the initiative to show interest... I think anyway, can be very sexy to some men. It can scream confidence and it's not a secret that confidence is attractive. Rejection may be inevitable, but if you can tell yourself it's likely not personal (some people are taken, are damaged, are too involved with something else, are terrified etc) then it can make it easier to overcome. Also, rejection can also be looked at as a tool to weed out people you don't want to be involved with anyway. Ideally it's best to know upfront if someone's ready to be into you or not... as well as if you're ready to be into them. There are generic things you could do to "make" yourself more attractive to the typical man... but like I stated in another thread (to a man though)... I think it's best to be liked for who you are heh... and that's worth waiting for. Depends on what you're looking for I guess.
starla33 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 As long as you are not doing all of the work I don't see the problem
Disillusioned Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I've been hit on by women before, and I'm happy to report that I get as much of a rush from snubbing them as women get from snubbing men who try to hit on them! Women don't have a monopoly on schadenfreude by a long shot.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I went to a party in my teens and had never connected yet or made out. The hottest babe in the place comes up to me and offers me a shot gun. so there I was with her sweet lips so close and her eyes looking into my soul. I took the hook but dang I was reduced to a shivering puddle of omg. I wondered if that's what growing up portended. Turns out it doesn't happen all that much. Not that I want a shotgun nowadays but if only there were another excuse to get that close in an instant. I'm ready now.
Yamaha Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Ok, if you must approach a man make sure the guy is a virgin with no experience that does not know how to approach women. A guy like that will welcome the approach. True......
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 True...... he won't ever shy away from being insecure/not confident/inexperienced??
carhill Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Thoughts? We've already established that you're not unattractive. As a believer in equal opportunity and equal responsibility, I've always been (this means back in the early 80's when I was your age) open to women being assertive in romance. To date, the preponderance of women who have demonstrated this assertion have either been hoovers, mind-fµckers or married. I can't recall a single healthy woman but it's been 30+ years of memory so I might be mistaken. If I experience other datapoints, I'll add. The most recent datapoints were one mind-fµcker and one married woman. Looking forward to something different. Hope it works out.
somethingsimple Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I welcome it and I find it very flattering. I'm always friendly (which probably translate to some girls as flirty), unless they get really pushy and then which I'm still very friendly, but I start to freeze up with all the awkwardness. This only happens to girls I'm not attracted with per say. If they ask for my number, I usually just give it. Then they start contacting me, and I see hey no harm in talking to her. Then they get clingy and I don't know what to do. So I just try and ignore the whole thing. As a result, feelings get hurt. So I don't know. In my opinion, like men, if women approaches men it opens up their options a lot more, but you have to go through rejections as well.
threebyfate Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 verhrzn, it's less about whether men like it and more about whether you're comfortable and want to approach. It's also about what type of man you want. If your preference is for a more confident, assertive man, then approaching these types of men isn't recommended. IME, they prefer to approach.
carhill Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Just remembered another data point. One lady whom I dated while separated contacted me first on an OLD site, so she approached first. I suggested the meet and generally planned the dates after, for four dates IIRC. Other than what I thought was excessive complaining about the ex she had been divorced from for seven years, she seemed pretty healthy and was 'average' , or a peer. I felt positive about that dynamic.
Almond_Joy Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Verhrzn, I'm a 25 yr old female and dating a guy now that i approached for the first time. I wanted to mention that a big concern for me is that the guy can get too comfortable with the girl initiating and not really assert themselves as a result. This is what I'm noticing in my experience. I think if you approach and the guy responds favorably it's important to watch how often you assert yourself or dominate decision making if you guys start regularly dating, especially if you want an assertive guy. Having the girl approach can kind of set the precedent for you to take the reins most of the time, and if that's not what you want it'll take a little more effort to......establish a balance, i guess you could call it. Would love to hear some feedback from the guys on this perspective, as like I said I'm dealing with this situation right now lol. Hope this helps, verhrzn. Btw great sense of humor. Men being blunt and easily startled....like gazelle =
grkBoy Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Insecure guys hate when women approach. Many other men love it...but they want to be approached by ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. So when the "eh" looking woman does an approach, the guy is more wishing it was the hottie across the room approaching him. In the end, attractive or not, it depends on the guy. Women who approach also need to understand that rejection is a part of life. Seen too many who say they approached a guy, he rejected, and then she gives up on men 100%. If men did things that way, no one would ever be dating. Many guys approach 100 women just to get one date.
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