ScienceGal Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 2.5 months since the break up. Still love him and miss him. NC for probably 2 months. I just got back from a date. He seems like an nice guy too. We've met once before, but never an official "date". We both seemed to have a good time. I liked it and hated it at the same time. I do and don't want to move on. I feel pretty numb right now. This new guy isn't my ex and finding an interest in him makes me physically hurt. I felt sick when I left. Part of me hopes he never calls or wants to go out again so I don't have to deal with it. I will not be looking to date anyone else anytime soon. Lesson learned. LSers, do not push yourself to move on. Because even if they are really great, it doesn't mean a thing if you aren't in a position to appreciate or respect that.
lymtal1 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Thank you SGal for making me feel not alone in this scenairo. For me it has been about three months but only a month of N/C and I had a date the other day and when it was over I got in the car and literally was shaking. I felt like what must have been some type of withdrawl symptoms as I almost could not drive myself home. Felt like I was in a fog. It was a very terrible feeling. One I don't want to feel again so I will follow your lead and stay away from that situation for as long as it takes. Yes I agree a very good learning for anyone dealing with the same. The other learning is I am not as strong as I think I am and maybe that is a good thing. Confidence at this point means nothing as it brought me to my knees. Thanks for sharing your experience.
ludovico Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 i have been in relationship recovery for 19 months, and in that time frame, I have been on 1 date - it was around the 3-month mark... and it wasn't good - but I am also terrible at dating - i do not like the idea of it at all... ever since then I decided not to pursue dating anyone until I was 100% recovered from my split - it's simply not fair to the other person, or to yourself... i agree with ScienceGal - do not push yourself to move on... things will unfold naturally - it just might take some time!
Duckduckgoose Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Hmm... I've had the same feelings on-and-off... I felt like everytime I would hang out with the same guy, or go out to eat with him... when I would get back to my apartment I would cry in my car before going back upstairs to shower and sleep. Not because the new guy was bad, but because it HURT severing the bonds to my exH and getting them ready for someone else The best way I can describe it is that going out with someone new means unplugging all the wires that connected you to your ex and re-forging them to the new person. Its painful. If you're not to that point and you realize it, by all means stop dating. Dating is going to hurt when you first jump back in anyway. If you can't handle that pain right now then spare yourself.
sun_moon Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Yeah its been almost 4 months now and I told myself I will know when I'm ready. I want to feel and go through everything I need before I involve myself with anyone else or bring them into this situation.
lovesickmonkey Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Thanks for sharing, everyone. Ditto for me. I guess I set out to "just have a good time" and tried not to even think of it as a date. But it's still very painful no matter what the attitude you have. Like ScienceGal says: don't rush into dating. It's not proving anything to anyone and it's not a great feeling.
Author ScienceGal Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 After my post when I went to bed the waterworks started. I haven't cried that hard in weeks. Slept horribly and now have that stress feeling in my stomach. I have read on here in several places that having a horrible date can cause one to miss their ex even more and be a setback to healing. I did not expect that a good date would as well. A couple of you have the same line of thinking as me when it comes to this. Investing feelings in someone new means that you are disconnecting more from your ex and no matter how much you want to and should let go, the heart holds on and it hurts. Also, investing feelings in anyone opens the door to being hurt again... and I am not ready for that. Thank you all for sharing your stories too, it is at least a little comforting to know I am not alone.
antinko Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Congratulations on a good date - I mean that whole heartedly. I found when I dated the first few times, I felt empty and depressed for pretty much the same reasons. However, I came to interpret those experiences as signs of moving on, and goods ones at that. The seemingly renewed grief is a good thing. Embrace it and let it out. Personally, once over those emotions, I felt like a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders and I came to understand that, whilst dating might not yield instant results (which it hasn't!), my confidence grew as I realised that other people liked me, that perhaps different people would be more suitable, appreciative and ultimately add to my happiness rather than drag me down like my ex ultimately did. The horrible fact, I think, is that our exes ultimately didn't make us happy. Even if we loved them totally when they dumped us, they couldn't make us happy because they decided that. It's a tough pill to swallow, but the person, or people, who are 'right' for us won't put us through that pain. Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. To summarise: date when you want to and follow your instincts, not just your heart. Embrace the grief and work through it. And most importantly, do all these things for you, no one else. If this decent guy isn't right for you currently due to your feelings about your ex, then it's no disaster. Simply take what you've learned and develop. Best wishes.
radiodarcy Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I will not be looking to date anyone else anytime soon. Lesson learned. LSers, do not push yourself to move on. Because even if they are really great, it doesn't mean a thing if you aren't in a position to appreciate or respect that. this is so true! which is why i get so annoyed when friends/family keep urging me to move on and date. even the ex urged me to date when he dumped me. so what if it's been 6 months? if i'm not ready i'm not ready and i'm the one who gets to decide that.
Author ScienceGal Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 this is so true! which is why i get so annoyed when friends/family keep urging me to move on and date. even the ex urged me to date when he dumped me. so what if it's been 6 months? if i'm not ready i'm not ready and i'm the one who gets to decide that. .. But wouldn't it be nice if we knew when we'd be ready? I got a message today from the guy I went out with, said he hoped i was having a great day and that he had a wonderful time and he will call me later in the week to catch up. So, if he does call I will just have to see how I feel then... One day at a time...
reimeivn Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 oh its a good thing you go on a date. keep going. i couldnt even find one to go on with. nobody likes me
Author ScienceGal Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Waiting for a decent guy is better than going out with just anyone Don't worry, keep beige good to yourself and you will find someone
antinko Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 It's not about finding someone who likes you, but about finding someone who you like and are compatible with.
Author ScienceGal Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 It's not about finding someone who likes you, but about finding someone who you like and are compatible with. 1) beige = being! darn auto correct And Antinko is right. Accept that it may take a long time to find the right person. It's better to wait and work on yourself so that you can first figure out what you even want. Coming from pain, it's likely you have no idea what you really want. Right now, I just want to feel better and that certainly isn't controlled by whether I have a man or not. I just started saying "I'll be the tortoise and he can be the hare", because I know I will get "there" (real happiness) before my ex. It's not really about "winning" against him though, its about developing a better strategy for myself and knowing that even though I am moving on slowly, it's a better choice.
loverboy1984 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I feel the same. I tried dating but I wasnt all there and I didnt feel comfortable. I felt like I wanted and didnt want to move on too. Part of me felt like I was cheating. I kept telling myself my ex left me for someone else why should I feel this way. Then I realized I am a human with a heart. Date yourself until your completely healed or enough to date others. Would you run on a broken leg? no so why love on a broken heart? Im 5 months on and Im still not 100% but getting there. Hang out with friends, start checking people out (window shopping) and build yourself up and your interests so you can be interesting and interested in others naturally. Its just funny how we have such a hard time dating right away but some of our exes jumped straight into it. Mine kissed a guy and said it didnt mean anything and now shes dating him.
lymtal1 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 i have to tell you guys something that happend to me today. well to my mind anyway. well i didn't sleep much last night, thinking about her of course. everytime i feel like i have my ducks a little bit in a row and that i may be making a bit of progress i take a step backward. i go through all of my journal, i read every piece of information that i can in support of how i feel, why N/C is right, read all of the posts on here and i can't get her out of my thoughts. i know that will take time and i am not rushing things, but i just need an hour without her running around in my head. so i think get out of the house and go do something to keep your mind busy. went to the mall just to walk around. bad move. all i see at the mall are couples holding hands, having fun, being affectionate, shopping together, etc etc etc. everything that we used to do together. at a very low point right now and really want this to go away. was suppose to go out tonight with a girl who was a friend but i absolutely have no desire to do so. i want to sit at home and do nothing. give me some tough love and tell me to get my a** up and live. i give you permission to be as brutal as you need. i have to start living as i feel like i'm dying. thanks ls folks:)
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