gladiator Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Hi all I posted on seper/div section in june entitled "what about this then" this is an update of the situation. Well its been 11 wks now and things have changed to say the least,first 3 wks were full of fun,nice texts,sex,couple of dates.Now sex is about fortnightly,texts have stopped,she cant even say g,night at times.I am the one initiating most things where it was her at the start.We still live apart (her choice) I feel as if she is back to her old negative self We both agreed at the start it was about us making a new start and moving forward,she is so changeable it is scary! I just want a normal relationship and I am starting to think this will never happen with this woman. It is so hard to describe and v.frustrating. She demonstrated she can be happy and make time as a couple,now nothing happening and i feel i am the only one making the effort.The fact we still live apart is a constant reminder of why she left and our kids are growing up in 2 seperate houses! 1 with me,1 with her,she seems quite happy to be living apart from her eldest son! I have felt down about it in the past few weeks,but these past few days i dont feel anything in particular I have personally only looked forward and not pushed anything too much,just put accross how things should be.To me it is easy if both parties are commited,but i feel she never will be.The selfish attitude is coming out,the whatever attitude and here i am being respectful and still trying to figure out this woman after all this time. She lets her work dominate things and is constantly saying she is tired,but arranged 3 nights out in this time.Here is an example of what it is like....... If she texts me and i dont reply fairly soon she will follow up with a sarcastic text.I often get my texts ignored even a couple of times ive said g.night with no reply! If i ever talk about relationship or where it is/isnt going she almost immediately says i am going on at her. I have stopped inviting her over for meals as it is always oh im busy/tired.Very jekyll and hyde like! It feels like their is no respect for where we have come from,surely it is a total commitment to reconciling the marriage or it has to be over,its like we are stuck somewhere in the middle and it cant be right.She appears to have things together to her friends,family but is acting so childishly in her own relationship! It is frustrating as she initiated our first meeting and i was getting to the stage where i thought that was it and we would divorce.So for her to be doing this now it feels like it would be as bad as the first time if it doesnt work. Its like she doesnt see the bigger picture,how long been together,kids,living apart etc.Its weird because all her friends are getting on with their lives,moving in together etc,she is going backwards. She is married with kids,but chooses not to live with h and son,It may sound stupid,but i dont think she can handle a relationship.I am so easy going and v.easy to talk to aswell. I dont know what to do now,also i prob should have mentioned this earlier,but neither of us wear wedding rings.The story is i lost mine a while ago while gardening! she stopped wearing hers approx 2 yrs ago,the reason was it was too tight for her,i bought this! On my part ever since i lost mine i have said we should go together and get new ones,she doesnt seem too bothered. Considering she commited adultery i would think the course of action would be to get your wedding ring sorted as a priority. I feel like a fool writing this,why am i putting up with this stuff,i should confront her about this sort of stuff,but i know she will probably over react and turn it against me,then it will be my fault.Please feel free to verbally abuse me as i probably deserve it and need it,at least i feel i am waking up to this crap,its a start!!!
Nsweet Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Gladiator, our story sounds eerily similar to mine. Except there was no infadelity to my knowledge. Everything else, the ring and necklace she pawned, she threw away her sex toys, gave everything she could back, and threw everything I gave her in a mail box in her room. I know its harsh! I tried a period of no contact for about a month, them fell into her trap doing everything you did and more. It only made her even more resistant and reluctant to talk because she knew she had me. So after a fight about terms of separation instead of divorce I went NC again for about two weeks until uncoils deal with her crap. I found this site which has helped a lot. The 180 method is mentioned all over the net. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037270;p=0 Now I still act friendly to her but I play it by my rules. When she calls I wait 5-10 minutes to call back. I would only call once a week to start with. I do not talk about or initiate relationship conversations. If she wants to I just shut up and listen without defence. I don't let her get me upset at all which really gets to her because it takes control out of the situation. Beyond that I just stay happy to talk to her and don't invest in what she is doing. Later on when she calms down I can start slowly building up intimacy.
Author gladiator Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 nsweet,i usually dont initiate relationship conversations,i dont want to or need to when it is going well.I was doing nc as best i could considering their are kids involved and i even dated someone else during the 6 month seperation. She seems to go through phases of being happy,then sad in a short space of time. I know all the signs after this long together,but it is still frustrating as it seems all about her and thats where the lack of respect comes in,because she can be hurtful with the way she comes across,but she would be offended if someone spoke to her like that!!! She has never spoke that openly about our relationship,i dont want to be drifting along like this for ever. I have pointed out she could end up very sad and lonely. Why does she speak about other couples and how they are doing,but wont put effort in or confide in her own partner.Its like its all on the surface and she keeps almost everything to herself and stumbles through each day in her own way!
Author gladiator Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I would really appreciate some advice from anyone,does anyone have a partner with similar behaviour patterns? Why can she be so cold one minute then seem like a different person the next? I fear this will always be the case,but it is so sad as we could be happy and have the kids back together.I dont know what to do for the best.I am sick of thinking about it,i just want consistency and to feel like we are actually making progress.It doesnt feel like anything at the moment. She was even holding my hand out in public the first 2/3wks we got back together,something that never happened,now their is no affection of any kind.Also she would get paranoid because she thought i didnt want to be seen out with her at the start,which was not the case. She also claimed at the start she liked it more because i "was playing hard to get" as she put it. This also not the case I am usually just the same from day to day,so its as if the novelty has worn off and we are getting stuck in a rut,even though we live apart!! Now all i feel i can do is wait for her to initiate something,we might have a date,we might not,she might seem happy one day this week,she may well be miserable every day,but only with me! even though she may only call to pick up/drop kids off. Its just a guessing game for me!
Author gladiator Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 no sex 4 wks,not stayed at mine for 3/4 wks,meant to be a reconciliation! we went shopping with youngest today,getting along fine.I asked if she wanted to come round tonight and we can have a take out with the whole family.She said i dont know then on way home asked me if i wanted to go to hers (her brothers house where she is living).... This is the 1st time i have said no to being invited there.I feel after how she was so keen in the 1st month or so why should i continually say yes to her,i think if she wants to see me or to be together as a family why not come to me,it doesnt seem right for me to be going there to her bro house.Also I dont want to be coming home alone later,i would rather relax with her/kids,she knows she can stay at my place. I dont feel too bad in myself,but i made it clear even when we were seperated,we either had to divorce or make a proper go of it.I feel i could probably be "with her" for many years,but it all still seems to have to be on her terms. aaarrgghhhh!!!! I dont think she truly understands the magnitude of all this,to me it feels like we are in a very fragile place in our lives.I believe she wants me,but just on her terms,do i take the plunge and lay it all on the line,if i write to her and explain my p.o.v or make ultimatums it will backfire on me,depending on her mood,but i feel something has to give soon,i cant drift like this I wish I could put things accross better on here,i would greatly appreciate advice and guidance with my situation,thankyou
Author gladiator Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 9/4,had good day out at boys soccer event,got home and she stayed for about 20 mins,stated going home to do chores! Always leaves with youngest child,leaves eldest behind,this still gets to me. 9/5,a new week,but I am expecting this pattern to continue,I will be surprised if she spends any length of time here,we will have the opportunity to do something as a couple this weekend,but it is getting to the stage where I feel I should not be initiating talk about dates.I feel unless I say something nothing will happen,but then if I do I will be accused of going on again,Should I lay down some ultimatums and risk going back to square 1? How long do I wait?things were progressing really nicely for a while,but now its as if we have gone backwards.I am not speaking to her about living back together,but surely if she initiated things at first and fact our kids are still apart isnt this the natural thing to do. She seems to be fine about being out in public and seeing people we know,so it will be common knowledge we are back together,but in private we are spending v.little time together!! V.GREATFUL FOR ANY AND ALL ADVICE RECEIVED,THANKS
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