suzanne2009 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I joined facebook about a year ago. I really don't ever go on it, really just set up the account so that I could log in and view the pictures of my friends kids that live in different states. Well a few month I got a friend request from a guy that I dated in high school. I accepted the request and didn't think much more about it other than...wow, he's still as cute as he was when we were in school. Anyway, about a month ago, he sent me an e-mail. Just kind of a quick - oh so I see you moved away, how are things? I responded and since then we have been e-mailing back and forth every day. The e-mails have naturally gotten more and more risque. We have talked on the phone a bunch of times now as well. I live about 1,000 miles away from my hometown. During the course of our conversations, I learned that he is in a "deteriorating marriage" - yeah, yeah...I am sure that is what they all say. Anyway, I didn't think much of it since we do live so far away from each other, but I am going home to visit my family in two weeks. He knows this because I told him when we first started talking. He says that he wants to see me and I definitely want to see him. If I do see him, I know what is going to happen...I am a single woman and have never been involved with a married man before (even though most of my single friends have). I guess what I want to know is...What the F*&K am I doing?
fooled once Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I joined facebook about a year ago. I really don't ever go on it, really just set up the account so that I could log in and view the pictures of my friends kids that live in different states. Well a few month I got a friend request from a guy that I dated in high school. I accepted the request and didn't think much more about it other than...wow, he's still as cute as he was when we were in school. Anyway, about a month ago, he sent me an e-mail. Just kind of a quick - oh so I see you moved away, how are things? I responded and since then we have been e-mailing back and forth every day. The e-mails have naturally gotten more and more risque. We have talked on the phone a bunch of times now as well. I live about 1,000 miles away from my hometown. During the course of our conversations, I learned that he is in a "deteriorating marriage" - yeah, yeah...I am sure that is what they all say. Anyway, I didn't think much of it since we do live so far away from each other, but I am going home to visit my family in two weeks. He knows this because I told him when we first started talking. He says that he wants to see me and I definitely want to see him. If I do see him, I know what is going to happen...I am a single woman and have never been involved with a married man before (even though most of my single friends have). I guess what I want to know is...What the F*&K am I doing? Why are you planning to meet with him? To have sex? You really are going to start a physical affair with him? If his marriage is so bad, he can end it. But he isn't - he is too busy getting an ego stroking from you and you are going to feed it by continuing the emotional affair and embarking on a physical one. Have you read this forum? Do you see the heartache so many OW go through? Why are you wanting to embark on this?
Emme Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 *SMH*.... Girl don't you know facebook ruins most marriages more than the titty bar! What are you thinking??? You know what, how about him wanting to meet you and it's not really him but his wife. When you show up you'll get the beat down of your life. Think about that scenario instead of going to see this old flame. :bunny:Danger Girl:bunny:
Author suzanne2009 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Not too overly concerned about that. I take three different martial arts and am proficient in two, well on my way to being proficient in the third. I don't see us getting physical right away. I am not really that type of person. I am somewhat of a prude in that department. Not that I'm boring in bed, just that I don't sleep around. Have only had 5 lovers in my 40 years of life. I guess my question is more about what am I missing that I see in him that is making me act in a way I would otherwise not act.
spice4life Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I joined facebook about a year ago. I really don't ever go on it, really just set up the account so that I could log in and view the pictures of my friends kids that live in different states. Well a few month I got a friend request from a guy that I dated in high school. I accepted the request and didn't think much more about it other than...wow, he's still as cute as he was when we were in school. Anyway, about a month ago, he sent me an e-mail. Just kind of a quick - oh so I see you moved away, how are things? I responded and since then we have been e-mailing back and forth every day. The e-mails have naturally gotten more and more risque. We have talked on the phone a bunch of times now as well. I live about 1,000 miles away from my hometown. During the course of our conversations, I learned that he is in a "deteriorating marriage" - yeah, yeah...I am sure that is what they all say. Anyway, I didn't think much of it since we do live so far away from each other, but I am going home to visit my family in two weeks. He knows this because I told him when we first started talking. He says that he wants to see me and I definitely want to see him. If I do see him, I know what is going to happen...I am a single woman and have never been involved with a married man before (even though most of my single friends have). I guess what I want to know is...What the F*&K am I doing? Good question. Read through the posts here to see how incredibly painful A's can be. And incredibly painful is an understatement. The best advice I can offer is to tell him to contact you after he gets a divorce. If he is that miserable then he should do something about it instead of dragging an outsider into his mess. If you don't walk away now then be prepared to go through A LOT of pain and anguish before you find the strength to say enough is enough. I would run now before it's too late.
Emme Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Not too overly concerned about that. I take three different martial arts and am proficient in two, well on my way to being proficient in the third. I don't see us getting physical right away. I am not really that type of person. I am somewhat of a prude in that department. Not that I'm boring in bed, just that I don't sleep around. Have only had 5 lovers in my 40 years of life. I guess my question is more about what am I missing that I see in him that is making me act in a way I would otherwise not act. He makes you feel young and alive.
Author suzanne2009 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 I have thought of that, but I don't think that that is it. I am in better shape now that I was when I was in my 20's. I am more stable emotionally, physically and financially. I get asked out more by 27 year olds than 37 year olds. I have a full life with a million friends and am never hurting for dates. I have a great job that allows me to travel extensively. Is has to be some deep psychological issue..lol
Severely Unamused Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) Is has to be some deep psychological issueAfter reading some of your older posts, my theory would be that your ex-husband's actions are still lingering within you in some way. I have noticed a curiously consistent pattern on this board and in real life, where some BWs become OWs years after the fact. Perhaps as a way to relive the events of the past from a different perspective as some form of projection, a type of reaffirmation of one's ego or personal beliefs (e.g. my husband cheated because most men cheat, and I'm going to prove it by doing this or my husband cheated in order to find true love, and by getting involved in an affair, I will help the MM find true love), a twisted type of psychological "revenge" on their ex, or another coping mechanism of some kind. What do ya think? I'm stretching it aren't I? *Armchair Psychologist* Edited August 26, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Author suzanne2009 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 I don't know...I honestly have not even though of my ex-husband in the longest time. He eventually came crawling back asking for forgiveness, but by then I had moved on. Maybe...I don't think all men cheat. My ex-husband was the only person to cheat on me (that I know of) and my parents and grandparents have been married forever with no cheating (that I know of). I try not to group all men together. Just because these two do does not mean they all do. I also am no longer angry at my ex. Looking back I know that relationship had run its course and needed to end. He did me a favor. Anyway, I don't think I am looking for any sort of revenge...I got that when I told him I didn't want him back. This has more to do with me. Maybe he's safe because he is far away and no REAL relationship could ever really come of it, so I am getting some needs met without really having to be fully exposed?
Severely Unamused Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) I suppose not all of the factors I brought up necessarily pertain to you. Although, as I said, it could be another coping mechanism. But I digress. Maybe he's safe because he is far away and no REAL relationship could ever really come of it, so I am getting some needs met without really having to be fully exposed? I agree with LadyGrey. Have you had any serious relationships since the divorce? The question that I want to raise is why don't want to be fully exposed? The word "exposed" suggests a level of vulnerability. Are you afraid of getting hurt again? Or is it the level of investment that a full-time relationship brings that you don't want? Maybe both? Edited August 26, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Silly_Girl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I don't know...I honestly have not even though of my ex-husband in the longest time. He eventually came crawling back asking for forgiveness, but by then I had moved on. Maybe...I don't think all men cheat. My ex-husband was the only person to cheat on me (that I know of) and my parents and grandparents have been married forever with no cheating (that I know of). I try not to group all men together. Just because these two do does not mean they all do. I also am no longer angry at my ex. Looking back I know that relationship had run its course and needed to end. He did me a favor. Anyway, I don't think I am looking for any sort of revenge...I got that when I told him I didn't want him back. This has more to do with me. Maybe he's safe because he is far away and no REAL relationship could ever really come of it, so I am getting some needs met without really having to be fully exposed? Are you looking for a relationship in general? The 'safe' thing struck a chord. I met a man when I absolutely did not want to meet anyone. It was emailing, then texts and calls. Never had so much fun with anyone in my life. He was 'safe' and it was long distance, and suited my life perfectly. Yet 2 years later he's divorcing and we're about to move in together. Don't kid yourself it's just fun and nothing will come of it. I have no issue with folk doing things others don't approve of provided it's done in a controlled manner and eyes are open. You COULD be on the brink of falling in love with a married man, which could lead to enormous heartbreak for 3 of you. OR it could be great fun to catch up with a face from the past and there be no issues at all.
spice4life Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I have thought of that, but I don't think that that is it. I am in better shape now that I was when I was in my 20's. I am more stable emotionally, physically and financially. I get asked out more by 27 year olds than 37 year olds. I have a full life with a million friends and am never hurting for dates. I have a great job that allows me to travel extensively. Is has to be some deep psychological issue..lol It sounds like you are in a good place so why are you bothering with a married man then? Are you trying to prove something? If you are feeling that great about yourself then a married man wouldn't even be on your radar. Are seeking some kind of validation that you are actually the person you feel you are?
Mimolicious Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 What the BLEEP are you in for? I mean, it depends... It's all about how much you allow. The internet is not "evil", the way people are abusing it's existence is. I am sure someone who is doing research doesn't think it's "evil". It's all in your power. Why do people make it seem like they are "helpless" or "powerless" in these situation? It's a far stretch going from a simple "Long time don't speak" kinda email, to 1000 of them and then hitting the sheets. You have control. Why aren't you using it? Or maybe you are? This is a conscious decision you are making. You are not under a spell or anything. If you meet him and hook up is because you wanted to. Whatever that may bring into your life, be ready to own it. As you can see, a lot of people come here acting victim. They are really not. Unless he never told you he was in fact married, then you are a victim. Otherwise, you are a willing participant in an A.
TurboGirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Suzanne you are playing with fire. I had a guy that I used to go school with find me on FB too... and several of our mutual friends know that my hubby travels alot. So this guy gives me a sob boo hoo hoo story about how awful his M is, and he wants out, blah blah. He wanted to "visit" me when he was in my town on business last year - as long as my hubby was out of town. Yeah, visit. Right. This old friend of yours is up to no good. You are single... YOU hold all the cards in your hand here. Do not even bother with this "old friend" because he is looking to use you. He's M and looking for a nice fun out of town Affair partner. When it's convenient, of course.
sweetypielovely Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Girl keep it a friend only. Dont even bother meeting him. Your gonna cause a world of a mess or better yet....fall in love and get screwed over. Its no fun being the other women. Been there done that in my past. He excited you, but find a single guy to do that. Forbidden fruit is forbidden for a reason.
Author suzanne2009 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 I love this site because it gives some perspectives that I had not thought of. I think that I always tend to find myself in relationships that allow me to "blame" the other person for its failure (time for a therapist? lol). That is my own issue and I take full responsibility for it. If I do decide to meet him, then I will own that action as well. I am in a good place right now...better than I have been quite possibly ever in my life. I am not really looking for a serious relationship right now and don't know if I ever will be. Maybe its just the guys that I seem to be attracting right now that are leaving me wanting more. I had one serious relationship since my divorce and that ended by my choice. You happen to still be very good friends. I know that I can be headed for heart ache and yet I am still contemplating it.
stillafool Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I guess what I want to know is...What the F*&K am I doing? I think you already know. Leave him alone as you know he is married. Don't bring bad karma on yourself.
stillafool Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Not too overly concerned about that. I take three different martial arts and am proficient in two, well on my way to being proficient in the third. But what about a gun? Ya never know.
Gentlegirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I love this site because it gives some perspectives that I had not thought of. I think that I always tend to find myself in relationships that allow me to "blame" the other person for its failure (time for a therapist? lol). That is my own issue and I take full responsibility for it. If I do decide to meet him, then I will own that action as well. I am in a good place right now...better than I have been quite possibly ever in my life. I am not really looking for a serious relationship right now and don't know if I ever will be. Maybe its just the guys that I seem to be attracting right now that are leaving me wanting more. I had one serious relationship since my divorce and that ended by my choice. You happen to still be very good friends. I know that I can be headed for heart ache and yet I am still contemplating it. If you think the other guys leave you wanting more.... wait unitl you are the OW! Then you will understand what wanting more is all about. If you must meet this man, why not insist that he brings his wife along and then you can talk about old times and she will be fully aware of everything. I am in the same position as you are... best place ever. I had a 3 year A and regret wasting the precious time. I messed up those years and made myself unavailable to anybody else. I wouldn't even go out on a date with anybody else . Take great care, Gentlegirl
Spark1111 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I love this site because it gives some perspectives that I had not thought of. I think that I always tend to find myself in relationships that allow me to "blame" the other person for its failure (time for a therapist? lol). That is my own issue and I take full responsibility for it. If I do decide to meet him, then I will own that action as well. I am in a good place right now...better than I have been quite possibly ever in my life. I am not really looking for a serious relationship right now and don't know if I ever will be. Maybe its just the guys that I seem to be attracting right now that are leaving me wanting more. I had one serious relationship since my divorce and that ended by my choice. You happen to still be very good friends. I know that I can be headed for heart ache and yet I am still contemplating it. That therapist? A good one? Would eventually lead you back to daddy, or mommy, and ask you to introspect who you blame more? And why? Who was unavailable to you? Why does that feel familiar? When it is ending, what do you gain by blaming your partner? What is the payoff? Being right? Being left? Did you want more with daddy or mommy and never got it? Therapy, when done well, will help to reveal why you are making the same choices over and over again, especially the self-destructive ones. And usually, we do wind up in childhood with a parent we wished had loved us more. So we are attracted to the unavailable, the emotionally distant....because it feels so familiar and strangely comforting....until it isn't.
MorningCoffee Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 That therapist? A good one? Would eventually lead you back to daddy, or mommy, and ask you to introspect who you blame more? And why? Who was unavailable to you? Why does that feel familiar? When it is ending, what do you gain by blaming your partner? What is the payoff? Being right? Being left? Did you want more with daddy or mommy and never got it? Therapy, when done well, will help to reveal why you are making the same choices over and over again, especially the self-destructive ones. And usually, we do wind up in childhood with a parent we wished had loved us more. So we are attracted to the unavailable, the emotionally distant....because it feels so familiar and strangely comforting....until it isn't. Yup. As the old "Pennsylvania Dutch" adage has it, "We grow too soon old, and too late, smart."
TurningTables Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Hiya. I do have some advice for you. My xmm and I reconnected on FB years and years ago. It has only brought heartache, lies and misery. RUN! Right now while you still can. Please. Best Wishes.
Author suzanne2009 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Okay...I read all of your advise and decided that you are all probably right. Best not to open Pandora's Box. I told him that we could remain friends, but that I didn't think that taking it any further would be a wise decision for either of us. I think that I told all of you that he travels for work. Well, he has an office about an hour away from where I live and low and behold he had to go there. Didn't tell me, just showed up at my job went to reception and told them my 11:30 meeting was there. It just so happened that I did have an 11:30 meeting so I told her to just send him back. When he walked into my office I almost died. I have to say that seeing him took my breath away a little. I told him that I had a meeting right then and I would not be available for lunch until 1. We went to lunch and had a really nice time. He said again that he wants to see me when I go home in a few weeks. I said let's see what happens. We didn't talk about anything sexual or suggestive, it was really like two old friends having lunch. I know that this is dangerous territory, but I can;t seem to stop myself from wanting to see him again.
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