Wondering why my "revenge affair" was locked??

[FL510]

This shows IMO a basic misunderstanding of human nature.

 

If there is an obsessive element in a relationship, and it sounds as if this girl is somewhat obsessed, it does no good to actively block her. That just stimulates the urgency of the obsession.

 

What has to be done is to re-direct the focus of the obsession away from FL and onto someone else, or something else perhaps, because it is impossible for an individual to extinguish another person's obsessional personality tendencies (short of lots of therapy etc.)

 

She can be likened to a heat seeking missile and he is the target. She can outrun and outturn him so he needs to fire off some "chaff."

 

That line of thinking is what I was initially trying to go with. Trying to set her up with a friend on the DL would destroy me if I could actually pull it off -not likely.....as I still have major feelings for this girl. Deploying a chaff pack, would not be the best way to go.....especially since you likened her to an infrared asset, a flare salvo would be a much better option anyway, for if she were a radarguided device I likely would have never seen my death coming.

[FL510]

FL I really think that's the solution.

 

You have to start thinking like a cuckold.

 

Don't think "What would FL do?" in a given situation with your gf.

 

Think: "What would Owl do?" or "What would kidd do?" or "What would drifter do?" and then do that.

 

I'm sure they will be more than willing to give you specific tips to help you out.

 

It's already done....there is no going back. Going to be a rough few days to say the least.

[dreamingoftigers]

She sounds overattached, like I used to be.

 

Trying to set her up with someone else is something that would work better with a guy, not an overattached female. It would likely (at this point) liken get resolve to keep the relationship with FL510.

 

It would provide that "but it's not HIM" contrast.

 

Been through that a couple times.

 

The best way to get rid of her is to cut it off dry or say "let's be friends" and block any level of intimacy. She'll tire of that in a month or so.

 

But truly FL519, you don't have strong enough resolve at this point to pull through on that.

[FL510]

I just don't think telling her to go away is going to work.

 

I also said it doesn't necessarily have to be another person, the "distraction" could be something for her to do. IOW something upon which she can focus all her energy and attention.

 

The most obvious thing would be to pay for her to fly to Europe and stay there for a year (on the cheap if possible) so how much could that cost? $10,000? $20,000? Tell her you want to give her the chance to have some "time off" and really expand her horizons, you are happy to pay for her plane ticket to Europe and some expense money. She should be able to get a visa for at least 6 months (?).

 

If you do this you will have to cover up the paper trial of the finances and also with the expectation that she'll meet other guys over there.

 

One thing you should NOT do is tell your wife about any of this.

 

Everyone is saying that but that will be a catastrophe for you. You are better off staying on the down low with this permanently and if the gf intervenes just characterize her to your wife as confused and delusional.

 

Very imaginative, but 1) there is no way I can hide 20,000 dollars....besides 20 large for a year? She's have to sleep under a bridge! 2) I hop around Europe all the time and she would see that as an open door to come find me when I happen to be in Brussels next month. I have to agree with not telling my wife, but have made no firm decisions yet.

[Owl]

FL I really think that's the solution.

 

You have to start thinking like a cuckold.

 

Don't think "What would FL do?" in a given situation with your gf.

 

Think: "What would Owl do?" or "What would kidd do?" or "What would drifter do?" and then do that.

 

I'm sure they will be more than willing to give you specific tips to help you out.

 

And now you know PRECISELY why and because of whom your previous thread was closed.

 

The attacks, insults, and complete derailment of your thread as a result of trolls like this one.

 

Ethyl didn't wait 24 hours before creating a new persona to continue the attacks from. Seems like he's taking less and less of a break each time he gets banned from here. Oh well...hopefully someday he'll get bored and wander off.

[FL510]

She sounds overattached, like I used to be.

 

Trying to set her up with someone else is something that would work better with a guy, not an overattached female. It would likely (at this point) liken get resolve to keep the relationship with FL510.

 

It would provide that "but it's not HIM" contrast.

 

Been through that a couple times.

 

The best way to get rid of her is to cut it off dry or say "let's be friends" and block any level of intimacy. She'll tire of that in a month or so.

 

But truly FL519, you don't have strong enough resolve at this point to pull through on that.

 

Neither one of us could block any intimacy. If we are in the same room, we are tearing each others clothes off. She has ruined several of my work shirts. Never going to happen. Just be friends....no way.

[dreamingoftigers]

Neither one of us could block any intimacy. If we are in the same room, we are tearing each others clothes off. She has ruined several of my work shirts. Never going to happen. Just be friends....no way.

 

Don't complicate any more than it has to be. Really, that just puts a ton of energy and focus on it. It'll drag it out to infinity.

 

And really, sending her to somewhere like Europe is more likely to send the red flags up and be even more of a piss off/to your disadvantage if/when the W finds out.

[FL510]

I'm sure your wife is an awesome woman, but seriously...is there NO WAY you could somehow persuade your wife to let you have a mistress?

 

Only in fairy tale land....my wife is an awesome woman, but no way a mistress, open marriage, or threesome. Actually, she would probably do the threesome with a bottle of wine downed, but no way....not to say the thought has never entered my mind. They are complete opposites appearance wise, but both exude massive amounts of sexuality...

[Owl]

FL...let's discuss some REAL advice, instead of this wierd fantasy of sending OW off for a year.

 

Obviously that idea is as flaky as last winter's blizzard.

 

You can't afford it, it wouldn't work anyway (it would just reinforce her idea that you're in love with her and want to keep her...it wouldn't 'drive her away).

 

Bottom line...keep on as you've started. Tell her it's over. Block her from easily resuming contact with you...take measures to prevent both of you from going back to it once things have broken down.

 

And start figuring out how you're going to deal with the aftermath of all of this. How are you going to hide your grief of the end of that relationship from your wife? Surely she'll sense SOMETHING is off...better have some kind of plan on how to deal with that when it arrives.

 

Start working on improving YOURSELF right now. Taking care of yourself. Working out, resume an old hobby or start a new one. Do SOMETHING to occupy your time and your mind to keep yourself from spending too much time focused on the affair and the end of it.

 

Ignore the trolls that are just here to satisfy their own sick need for entertainment...focus on picking out the advice you need to resolve your situation. There are some good posters here...use your own common sense to figure out what's best for your situation.

[dreamingoftigers]

She spent quite a process recovering her sexual integrity.

 

She may very well be able to empathize and forgive the circumstance you are in, but seriously once someone has healed their intimacy issues they aren't likely to run back out and destroy them.

 

Like a 400 lb woman that quit sugar, hit the gym and had plastic surgery to take care of anything out of place.

 

She isn't about to start downing whole pies after that kind of effort.

 

Referring to the wife doing a threesome etc.

[FL510]

If you believe she is "prone" to be agreeable to a threesome then that's your opening, you just need the right game plan.

 

You set this up just like the idea of your male friend meeting you and the OW at a restaurant "inadvertently."

 

Only this time you maneuver a situation in which it's your wife, you, and the gf (the gf has to be in on this of course). You uncrack the wine and let things happen from there.

 

There is NO REASON not to go for it.

 

LMAO....you are a trip! The threesome has actually been discussed at length by me and the OW...playfully/tongue-in-cheek type of way we had an entire strategy and gameplane mapped out where she would meet us accidentally at a hotel bar somewhere and strike up a conversation with her....I showed her a pic of my wife one time and she said "hell yes I'd do that she's hot!" but back to reality.....that is so screwed up on so many levels it's not even funny.

[FL510]

She spent quite a process recovering her sexual integrity.

 

She may very well be able to empathize and forgive the circumstance you are in, but seriously once someone has healed their intimacy issues they aren't likely to run back out and destroy them.

 

Like a 400 lb woman that quit sugar, hit the gym and had plastic surgery to take care of anything out of place.

 

She isn't about to start downing whole pies after that kind of effort.

 

Referring to the wife doing a threesome etc.

 

Exactly! great analogy. My wife probably would do this, but she has said it would be only for my benefit.....and other men...you know the swinger, wife swap type crap she said she would never do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Really though, she'd most likely only ever do it out of guilt for the previous offences.

 

Not exactly the reason you'd like.

[dreamingoftigers]

Besides, it would be far more productive for you to heal up your own intimacy issues, then to draw more energy to an unhealthy or extremely risky sexual situation.

 

Let's be fair here: you are the husband of a reformed serial cheater, and then you turned adulterer yourself.

 

There isn't a chance in Hell that you aren't carrying around a ton of avoidance and pain, plus needing some brand new, shiny coping skills.

 

Owl's right. You need something healthy to replace OW. before it becomes OW II

[FL510]

Really though, she'd most likely only ever do it out of guilt for the previous offences.

 

Not exactly the reason you'd like.

 

Yes, and before kids we did some pretty crazy things along those lines years ago...can't say that I feel a real need to go back to that. It was a great run, very interesting if not fun, but been there and done it. Don't need my life to be a real life porno. Glad I have the memories and a little video though!

[FL510]

Besides, it would be far more productive for you to heal up your own intimacy issues, then to draw more energy to an unhealthy or extremely risky sexual situation.

 

Let's be fair here: you are the husband of a reformed serial cheater, and then you turned adulterer yourself.

 

There isn't a chance in Hell that you aren't carrying around a ton of avoidance and pain, plus needing some brand new, shiny coping skills.

 

Owl's right. You need something healthy to replace OW. before it becomes OW II

 

Again excellent advice...OW II, is never ever ever going to happen....but it's funny that the more you think that the more "friendly little flirting" that goes on in my day to day life by other women.

[dreamingoftigers]

The brain has this funny little way of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

 

If we don't have the vast majority of it in balance, we start to seek pleasure regardless of consequence.

 

Usually because the pain is out of focus or out of balance.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if you got another OW because you got hooked on the complexity, shame and then contrasting high from the whole thing.

 

Extinguishing those behaviors can be very difficult, often because it means we have to face whatever uncomfortable feelings drove us there in the first place.

 

I am guessing that both you and wife had some messy childhoods.

[FL510]

For me it would be screwed up, because I'm not capable of it. For most if not everyone posting to you here they wouldn't be capable of it either.

 

I have seen nothing you have posted indicating you are not easily capable of it and satisfying both women (and them satisfying each other) resulting in a very stable three-way F M F relationship.

 

The sex part I would not be worried about....as messed up as I have made my life, and for all that has been dumped on me....that would be an entirely new realm of F*&ked up S*&t....not even in the same ballpark. Not even in the same country...Fun to think about? absolutely. Makes for a great fantasy.... Dear Penthouse Forum.....but that my friend, is where it will stay!

[FL510]

The brain has this funny little way of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

 

If we don't have the vast majority of it in balance, we start to seek pleasure regardless of consequence.

 

Usually because the pain is out of focus or out of balance.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if you got another OW because you got hooked on the complexity, shame and then contrasting high from the whole thing.

 

Extinguishing those behaviors can be very difficult, often because it means we have to face whatever uncomfortable feelings drove us there in the first place.

 

I am guessing that both you and wife had some messy childhoods.

 

Believe it or not my wife and I had ideal childhoods. Her family is mostly doctors and pretty well off, mine was very happy and solid middle class if not better....no abuse. It was uncovered during MC that she discovered her dads porn stash at a very young age and became very sexually charged from that point on...

[istanbullu_1]

nice thanks for sharing