Mr. Savage Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I have never been good at just talking to a total stranger out of the blue. Which is why I have been trying to find dates on dating sites. Well that is not working out how I thought it would. Don't get many responses. I know I have to get out in the real world and conquer my fear of public approach so I thought I would ask a few questions here and possibly get some advice. I'm 28 and I have had plenty of experience in bars and that is not where I wanna meet women. So one of my questions ladies is when you are out at say a grocery store or shopping in general do you find it annoying for a guy to come up and talk to you? Do you put up a defense immediately because it would be quite obvious he is talking to you because of attraction? Let's say you did talk to the guy. How long would you want that conversation to last before it got weird? Would you ever give out personal information (i.e. phone number, facebook, etc.) if you were interested or would that be something too personal to ask for? As you can tell I have little to no experience in public interaction with women I don't know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Overthirtymale Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If she finds you unattractive it becomes creepy.
Author Mr. Savage Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Yeah creepy was the wrong choice of words there. I guess what I meant more of was when does it become uncomfortable.
Cypress25 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Some things you can do to avoid coming off as creepy: 1) Don't walk up behind her. You'll startle her. 2) Don't approach if she looks like she's stressed or in a hurry. 3) To break the ice, comment on something relevant ("I've always wanted to try this strawberry-kiwi juice, is it any good?" is a lot less random than "Hi, my name is John.") 4) If she does respond, don't keep her more than a few minutes. I personally wouldn't give my number to a strange man in the supermarket, but some women might. A less intimidating approach would be to give her your name, and tell her to look you up on Facebook. That way she can contact you without putting herself at risk.
sm1tten Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 To add onto Cypress25's good points, it should also go without saying that you should not touch her unless for some reason she initiates (a handshake is fine, though). The difference between "cool stranger I'm chatting up in line" and "creepy ****er that is about to get maced" can be physical contact. Also, if she's wearing headphones, I'd be cautious about approaching. Some people use them for insulation against social interaction. I've been approached in the grocery store, it's no problem to me. Keep it under a few minutes, don't ignore obvious cues like lack of eye contact, sighing, and other indicators that she doesn't want to be bothered.
CambridgeGirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 if you walk up to a woman in Britain and try to just chat you'll be lucky to dodge the mace spray, most women would be horrified, single or not. Amazed we every get laid frankly.
Holt Driver Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Ditto to what ptp said. I try to chat up everyone I meet just to make each of my days more pleasant. Go into every social interaction with the only intent to be friendly and pleasant. If there's a chance for chemistry with a lady, you'll know. (Note to self: Do not move to Britain unless I'm already in a relationship with CambridgeGirl.)
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I have been thinking about this question on and off all afternoon. And my answer is: When the guy is creepy. Which has nothing to do with how he looks perse --- unless you look blatantly creepy or homeless or are way to old/young for her by any reasonable standard, or have that creepy blank stare or whatever --- so I don't agree that it's creepy if the guy is not someone I'd go out with/unattractive to me. I love talking to people, so I will talk to guys I'd never go out with. Why not? I like people. But when a guy comes up to me with the pure intention of sexual or romantic interest, rather than any interest in me as a fellow human being, then it's creepy. If a guy comes up because he approaches people and likes people and wants to talk to people, even people who AREN'T pretty girls, then he's never going to be creepy. If a guy comes up to me because he thinks I'm hot, then he's often going to be creepy.
robdrm32 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I have been thinking about this question on and off all afternoon. And my answer is: When the guy is creepy. Which has nothing to do with how he looks perse --- unless you look blatantly creepy or homeless or are way to old/young for her by any reasonable standard, or have that creepy blank stare or whatever --- so I don't agree that it's creepy if the guy is not someone I'd go out with/unattractive to me. I love talking to people, so I will talk to guys I'd never go out with. Why not? I like people. But when a guy comes up to me with the pure intention of sexual or romantic interest, rather than any interest in me as a fellow human being, then it's creepy. If a guy comes up because he approaches people and likes people and wants to talk to people, even people who AREN'T pretty girls, then he's never going to be creepy. If a guy comes up to me because he thinks I'm hot, then he's often going to be creepy. Well what you need to understand is that guys wont approach a woman they aren't attracted to. Not to say they wont be personable with an unattractive cashier or something but thats a different situation. OP you need to start slow. Don't go out looking to start full-blown conversations with women if you have trouble with it. Start with making eye-contact and not being the one that looks away first. Then start making little comments to gauge girls reactions, but leave it at that just a small comment/joke. Dont put pressure on yourself to "pick them up". Practice, practice, practice. And always keep in mind that girls want to have fun, so when you talk with them make sure you are playful, they react very well to lightheartedness.
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Well what you need to understand is that guys wont approach a woman they aren't attracted to. Not for a date, maybe, but that's why I think the cold approach only works for guys who are friendly and enjoy talking to new people in general.
irc333 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 LOL Not sure if anyone remember how I approached a woman at Walgreens on a Mon Morning...who was wearing a skin tight jeans and HOT PINK top in heals with a booty stickin' out so round and smooth...she was Latina....and her booty stuck out so far that you could easily probably balance a drink on the top of it. LOL I think heels tend to make the booty stick out further, right ladies? ;-) I timed my walk to the register and she came up behind me, apparently she got some make up and I said something like "Hey, you don't need that, you seem more like a natural beauty" She kinda laughed nervously, I walked with her out the door, and I had noticed a name (her name) on her necklace, and said, "Oh, so you're <her name>?" And she kinda of nervously smiles, and says, "How did you know my name?" (I think I creeped her out right there) And then I said, "Well, you're necklaces" And she says, "Wow, you sure noticed a lot" and I said, "Well, you're not easy to miss" Then we went our separate ways.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Not going to presume to speak for other females but, for me at least... I don't really find it appealing to be hit on/approached while I'm out shopping. At best, it's semi-flattering... but not once have I been interested in more than the brief thought of, "yes, I know I'm smexy" (arrogant much?). Places I have been open to guys (in the past, before finding my boyfriend) are: libraries, book stores, chess tournaments (beh I'm a bit of a nerd), D&D/game gatherings (again, sorry...), out in nature etc... in general, intellectual/hobby type situations. sm1tten was spot on about the headphones LOL... I usually do that, but it doesn't stop people from trying to talk to me sigh... but YES, that's the primary reason I wear them while out shopping (secondary is that I like music of course). I don't necessarily think guys are creepy when they try to get my number, ask to see me later or converse with me while shopping... I just don't find it attractive/tactful... I'm there to shop for inanimate things, not people I've had females try to stop and converse with me too... so I don't necessarily jump to conclusions when a male does, but usually intent is pretty obvious.
irc333 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) D&D/game gatherings (again, sorry...)Think I found my dream girl already, where have you been all my life! LOL Big gamer here. Of course, I hear about how since those gaming events at comic shops tend to spook women, because they don't like being the only woman among men at a comic shop or gaming events. I actually heard of a woman stating she prefers to attend such nerdy establishments, to browse for comics and other merchandise at odd hours of the day where it's slow, and men are less likely to be at the place. If I do find a woman at such a place, she's with her boyfriend. lol I don't necessarily think guys are creepy when they try to get my number, ask to see me later or converse with me while shopping... I just don't find it attractive/tactful... I'm there to shop for inanimate things, not people I think I know what you mean, but what do you expect? True, it's probably unexpected at a place of shopping or merchandise. However, places where women EXPECT to be approached in such a manner would only be dating sites and nightclubs. I used to try to approach a woman in a cafe place reading a book or alone at the cafe court, but they just are caught off guard and have this, "Why is this person talking to me" look on her face. Edited August 26, 2011 by irc333
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) Of course, I hear about how since those gaming events at comic shops tend to spook women, because they don't like being the only woman among men at a comic shop or gaming events. I actually heard of a woman stating she prefers to attend such nerdy establishments, to browse for comics and other merchandise at odd hours of the day where it's slow, and men are less likely to be at the place. If I do find a woman at such a place, she's with her boyfriend. lol Aww. Well, I really can't speak for other women but, it's never intimidated me. I've gone alone to such conventions/places, as well as gone with other females. I figured it's best to find someone with similar interests... and I suppose I just preferred looking for someone in a setting that I enjoyed as well. Ultimately, how I mingle with someone is important to me... if I'm going to get serious with someone, I want to be able to engage with them in light and fun ways as well as be able to engage with them in deeper, more substantial ways. It's easier to discern, at least for me... initially, if I'm involved in some playful activity with others, whether or not I'll be interested in more. Guys that have hit on me while I'm out shopping never suggest something of that nature... it's usually "want to go out drinking" or "want to go out eating" --- I've even just flat out asked some what their interests are and they've never been akin to mine... ONE time a gamer guy approached me while out shopping, and it was because he noticed my "rogue" pin on my purse for world of warcraft (years back)... turned out he was fanatically into the alliance and I was gooberly into the horde... didn't work out, lol. I actually met my current boyfriend at a gaming/anime party lol... I prowled him through-out the entire thing (he was freaking nerdy, intelligent and adorably nervous around me) and after it was over and we parted ways... I went through a friend's myspace and found him and then sent him a message... and thus it began. He responded to me so eloquently... I pretty much just knew I had to get to know him better and I haven't looked back heh. I think I know what you mean, but what do you expect? True, it's probably unexpected at a place of shopping or merchandise. However, places where women EXPECT to be approached in such a manner would only be dating sites and nightclubs. I used to try to approach a woman in a cafe place reading a book or alone at the cafe court, but they just are caught off guard and have this, "Why is this person talking to me" look on her face. Hmmmmm - I've been receptive to men at cafes. As well as while reading books (the exception being, a time I went off into what I thought was the boonies... really, out in the wild, just wanting some peace and quiet to read a book... intentionally out of the public, you know... and lo and behold, some hiker comes out of the woodwork and tries striking up a conversation with me. It was just bad timing...) but generally speaking... it's hard to say I guess. Everyone's a little different, and it's hard to tell what people's motives are for being somewhere etc. All I can suggest is keep trying, probability has to give way at some point. If I was out there ready to pursue the right guy in such places (and being open to being pursed by the right one), there's got to be other girls who are too. Even if they're in the seemingly minority. Edited August 26, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
dasein Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 If she finds you unattractive it becomes creepy. This is it, any other analysis is superfluous. Someone should link that hilarious SNL video on this exact topic.
irc333 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Speaking of which... Ever seen It's a riot Aww. Well, I really can't speak for other women but, it's never intimidated me. I've gone alone to such conventions/places, as well as gone with other females. I figured it's best to find someone with similar interests... and I suppose I just preferred looking for someone in a setting that I enjoyed as well. Ultimately, how I mingle with someone is important to me... if I'm going to get serious with someone, I want to be able to engage with them in light and fun ways as well as be able to engage with them in deeper, more substantial ways. It's easier to discern, at least for me... initially, if I'm involved in some playful activity with others, whether or not I'll be interested in more. Guys that have hit on me while I'm out shopping never suggest something of that nature... it's usually "want to go out drinking" or "want to go out eating" --- I've even just flat out asked some what their interests are and they've never been akin to mine... ONE time a gamer guy approached me while out shopping, and it was because he noticed my "rogue" pin on my purse for world of warcraft (years back)... turned out he was fanatically into the alliance and I was gooberly into the horde... didn't work out, lol. I actually met my current boyfriend at a gaming/anime party lol... I prowled him through-out the entire thing (he was freaking nerdy, intelligent and adorably nervous around me) and after it was over and we parted ways... I went through a friend's myspace and found him and then sent him a message... and thus it began. He responded to me so eloquently... I pretty much just knew I had to get to know him better and I haven't looked back heh. Hmmmmm - I've been receptive to men at cafes. As well as while reading books (the exception being, a time I went off into what I thought was the boonies... really, out in the wild, just wanting some peace and quiet to read a book... intentionally out of the public, you know... and lo and behold, some hiker comes out of the woodwork and tries striking up a conversation with me. It was just bad timing...) but generally speaking... it's hard to say I guess. Everyone's a little different, and it's hard to tell what people's motives are for being somewhere etc. All I can suggest is keep trying, probability has to give way at some point. If I was out there ready to pursue the right guy in such places (and being open to being pursed by the right one), there's got to be other girls who are too. Even if they're in the seemingly minority.
irc333 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Hmmmmm - I've been receptive to men at cafes. As well as while reading books (the exception being, a time I went off into what I thought was the boonies Yeah, one thing about more rural areas, I think women are put off by being approached, because they have a circle of friends already established among people they've grown up with in Highschool. Very cliquish. So if found alone, they are put off by it, or some women I approach probably have a boyfriend, and are thinking why is some guy approaching them, because everyone in this town is married or taken, right? There is no "single" mentality or frame of mind in rural areas, but in a big city, being single is natural. In a smaller area, you're kind of in in the minority. There was this one girl in our comic shop that I started talking to, apparently they put on a social event for gamer....and some guy swoops in behind here, and puts his arm around her.....you know, pulling the insecure, "I'm her boyfriend, back off dude". He had a neck beard....bleh. Can't people keep things trimmed up, heck, I guess if he looked "unkempted", then I should have no problem getting a woman. LOL She was one of those girlfriends that flirted subtly, regardless if she had a boyfriend or not, so I was under the impressions he wasn't spoken for. LOL I think she just likes the attention being she is the only woman in the shop.
somethingsimple Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I tend to not do cold approaches. But when I do talk to women, its usually on the context of me doing something shopping, grocery shopping, whatever. If it happens that a girl is there, I'll wait till eye contact. Then I judge her body language from there if she wants to be approached or not. If I'm out unless I'm clubbing or in a bar, I go don't out with the intention of meeting women. I see a lot of attractive girls, but I really only make an effort, if she's really my type, has a really good sense of style, the way she walks, things like that. Plus you can normally, tell if a girl, can or is approachable.
Recommended Posts