piscis Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Postpone "to put off or delay until a future time" I am stucked just there. I know I have to end the A, it is killing me, I amnot even happy anymore, it is consuming my mind,my soul, my energy. I am so messed up right now, and I find myself postponing it. Why if I am not happy anymore, if I find myself in the middle of a situation I dont know and most important I dont want to deal with anymore is so hard for me to take actions about it. Why am I postponing it. Nothing is going to change, nothing has changed in more than a year and I am just postponing a decision I know I have to make (becasue he is not going to make it because he is so comfortable with things as they are right now) Anyway, not having a good day today and wanted to share it
Silly_Girl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Will things be worse? If you take the action you feel you are compelled to, will things be worse in 6 months time than they are today? Rooting for you.
woinlove Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Maybe you have become used to your situation and although it hurts a lot, it is familiar and you are afraid of change. Also, you probably realize the pain would not suddenly stop when you stop the A. You will still miss him and have to rebuild your life without him. So your fears and the fact that you won't get instant gratification may be holding you back. Hope you can work through those, if they apply, and take the steps you need to in order to get back onto a happy path.
Author piscis Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Hi for your replies & the support!! Silly it will be worst because there will be more dreams broken, I know objectivly that I have to end it but I do not want to deal with that as WIL says I will miss him and the good things of the R and I always come back asking him to try again. I am not even thinking correctly right now. Thanks for the support, I really needed it.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Postpone "to put off or delay until a future time" I am stucked just there. I know I have to end the A, it is killing me, I amnot even happy anymore, it is consuming my mind,my soul, my energy. I am so messed up right now, and I find myself postponing it. Why if I am not happy anymore, if I find myself in the middle of a situation I dont know and most important I dont want to deal with anymore is so hard for me to take actions about it. Why am I postponing it. Nothing is going to change, nothing has changed in more than a year and I am just postponing a decision I know I have to make (becasue he is not going to make it because he is so comfortable with things as they are right now) Anyway, not having a good day today and wanted to share it Because maybe you're afraid of it being "final" and not having what you've been used to in your life for so long. Maybe it's fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of letting go, fear of dealing with the pain and grieving the loss once and for all. When you're truly ready to let go and end the affair, you'll do something about it. Sorry you're having a bad day.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Will things be worse? If you take the action you feel you are compelled to, will things be worse in 6 months time than they are today? Rooting for you. If she ends it, she'll be on the road to recovery. She'll well into the process of grieving and detaching so she can heal. Waiting another 6 months or a year isn't good because she's at a stand still and her life is on hold. You may not see it as wasting her life, but I do because this guy isn't leaving his wife and if she stays it keeps her in the affair and as the OW. Something that it seems she wants to not be. She's sick of the pain, rollercoaster ride and even though there are good times, the bad is out weighing the good.
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Why am I postponing it For myself it was fear of reaching out and nothing being there. Saying 'I love you' to empty space with no name or person attached. Once I conquered that fear, the rest was pretty easy. It'll work out. One step each day
Silly_Girl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If she ends it, she'll be on the road to recovery. She'll well into the process of grieving and detaching so she can heal. Waiting another 6 months or a year isn't good because she's at a stand still and her life is on hold. You may not see it as wasting her life, but I do because this guy isn't leaving his wife and if she stays it keeps her in the affair and as the OW. Something that it seems she wants to not be. She's sick of the pain, rollercoaster ride and even though there are good times, the bad is out weighing the good. Please don't pretend to know how I see it when you don't know. Thanks.
Gentlegirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 The finality of ending the A is like losing somebody to death. It's the emptiness that still gets to me.... Genltegirl
Seraph1 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 For myself it was fear of reaching out and nothing being there. Saying 'I love you' to empty space with no name or person attached. I agree. I think that part of the indecision is exactly what I went through for about a week. The knowledge that the pain I was in while being with him was NOTHING compared to the pain I would feel once I dragged myself away. It does hurt so much that you want to curl up into a little ball and hope the earth opens up to swallow you. Essentially, you stand on the brink knowing that you really have no choice but not wanting to throw yourself into the sort of pain straight away. I think it's normal to hesitate. None of us like pain...and my belief is that the ending of an unhappy and unhealthy relationship is the same no matter if it is a marriage or an affair. I've done both. Wow... I can actually laugh about that now! The pain you feel before you end an unhappy relationship has snuck up on you gradually, over time and you are used to the background hum of pain, disappointment, hurt and hopelessness. It's comfortable because you know it... not because you like it or enjoy it. It's a rut and it is easier to stay in rather than taking the plunge even though you know it's the best option for you and your happiness. You are not weak for being indecisive...it just shows that your heart, love and hope are very strong! You are no less courageous or wonderful a woman for being in this situation. Your strength is still there and you are not alone in your fear and heartbreak. You have the power to walk away and say 'enough' and I believe that you are close to reaching the point where you will use it.
fooled once Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 If she ends it, she'll be on the road to recovery. She'll well into the process of grieving and detaching so she can heal. Waiting another 6 months or a year isn't good because she's at a stand still and her life is on hold. You may not see it as wasting her life, but I do because this guy isn't leaving his wife and if she stays it keeps her in the affair and as the OW. Something that it seems she wants to not be. She's sick of the pain, rollercoaster ride and even though there are good times, the bad is out weighing the good. I agree with WWIU. WHY would anyone WAIT another 6 months to leave an affair that they KNOW is not making them happy Who does that? Yes, ending it will hurt, but just think, 6 months from now you will be well on your road to healing and moving forward. Why put off to tomorrow something that is so needed to be done today? Rip the bandage off and end it so YOU can start to grieve and heal. Who cares what he wants/feels/does. If he ever cared for you, he would want to see you happy and that is not being in an affair. If he ever respected you, he will see that his actions are hurting you (or his inactions). Dig deep and do what you need to do --- for you.
MissBee Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) Postpone "to put off or delay until a future time" I am stucked just there. I know I have to end the A, it is killing me, I amnot even happy anymore, it is consuming my mind,my soul, my energy. I am so messed up right now, and I find myself postponing it. Why if I am not happy anymore, if I find myself in the middle of a situation I dont know and most important I dont want to deal with anymore is so hard for me to take actions about it. Why am I postponing it. Nothing is going to change, nothing has changed in more than a year and I am just postponing a decision I know I have to make (becasue he is not going to make it because he is so comfortable with things as they are right now) Anyway, not having a good day today and wanted to share it I can very much relate! It is so annoying when your mind knows something makes sense, even your feelings, but you can't make yourself actually move. I have suffered and still suffer from seeing the ship sinking but staying on until the absolute last second when the water is up to my neck to get a boat! Maybe it's fear...maybe feeling like I have to see something die a "natural" death without forcing it, but really, it's probably some form of denial about what's really going on and having some form of hope that things will change while I'm undecided... *hmmm thinking about this*... I'm learning how to be able to see the ship sinking, accepting it is probably not going to resurrect at the last second and get in the life boat in a timely manner so I'm with you! You're either going to get to a final point of letting everything go after some dramatic crescendo (dday included) or wallow in inertia until it comes back around to being tired and letting it go in a manner involving little fanfare. I figure the choice is that you can end it for yourself or wait until some outside force (him, dday, something else unforeseen) puts an end to it (I have been a fan of the passive role myself but am really learning that there is a different power in making a definitive choice for myself versus lingering until a choice is made for me). Either way, you'll be just fine, you'll learn and I wish you much luck and happiness Edited August 26, 2011 by MissBee
MissBee Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 For myself it was fear of reaching out and nothing being there. Saying 'I love you' to empty space with no name or person attached. Once I conquered that fear, the rest was pretty easy. It'll work out. One step each day Loooove this! This resonates with me so much. That's how my last breakup felt, and this isn't uniquely As, but the ending of any form of romantic attachment comes with the fear of that unknown...that gap when you no longer have a safety blanket, no tangible person/routine to attach dreams, hopes, etc to...but it's just you... and your "next love" is as yet unidentified/nonexistent...it can be scary and for me comes with this panic that "what if I never find someone else". But it is very fulfilling to live through it and realize you will be just fine! The feelings are transient, you get through it a day at a time, but life continues and YES you do find someone else, if that is your desire.
JaneyAmazed Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Postpone "to put off or delay until a future time" I am stucked just there. I know I have to end the A, it is killing me, I amnot even happy anymore, it is consuming my mind,my soul, my energy. I am so messed up right now, and I find myself postponing it. Why if I am not happy anymore, if I find myself in the middle of a situation I dont know and most important I dont want to deal with anymore is so hard for me to take actions about it. Why am I postponing it. Nothing is going to change, nothing has changed in more than a year and I am just postponing a decision I know I have to make (becasue he is not going to make it because he is so comfortable with things as they are right now) Anyway, not having a good day today and wanted to share it Here's one more thing to motivate you. The longer you wait to stop, the more you prolong your unhappiness. Yes, you will hurt after it's over. You will hurt worse that you do now, BUT, after a while, through some ups and downs, you will slowly start feel better and better. You will be excited about life without him again. It's worth it to go through the loss and grief in order to gain a better life.
East7 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Postpone "to put off or delay until a future time" I am stucked just there. I know I have to end the A, it is killing me, I amnot even happy anymore, it is consuming my mind,my soul, my energy. I am so messed up right now, and I find myself postponing it. Why if I am not happy anymore, if I find myself in the middle of a situation I dont know and most important I dont want to deal with anymore is so hard for me to take actions about it. Why am I postponing it. Nothing is going to change, nothing has changed in more than a year .... Hi Piscis, Deep down you know the answers of your questions. I think the reason is not so much the fear of "what's after" rather than the hope of an happy ending. The "evil" is this ray of HOPE that we hold and don't want to let go. Hope keeps people alive but also let them make bad choices like an A. I asked myself what kept me for so long hooked to xMW and I realized it wasn't at all the fear of loneliness or even pain but rather this f*king hope that she moves out and one day we build a daylight relationship. Paradoxally the more you wait, the less chances are that the situation changes. From your MM perspective why changing something that works ? He has managed to keep his W while having you on the side, cake-eating works for him, why would he change that? You aren't happy, it sucks your soul, your energy, why do you want to prolong this ordeal? You have hard time to take a decision because you don't dissociate your mind from your feelings and addiction. Look at yourself in the mirror like you were yourself best friend. Your best friend would shake you and tell you to send him a NC email and divorce ultimatum.
Silly_Girl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I think the postponing is of the happiness that will come after. Piscis - if you are sure (are you?) that this relationship is not something that is going to give you fulfilment and happiness then you're not postponing upset and trauma but you're postponing the good bit that comes after. And it will come. I promise you. Are you afraid of life after the affair? Being out in the big wide world again? Not having the safety net of someone in the background? I hope you are taking good care of yourself
Mimolicious Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 hay hay hay Piscis! This is never ending... Look at your posts from last year, you were in the same place as you are today. What is it going to take??? Breaks my heart babygirl. Is he still your boss??? I hope you find a way of letting go and making things better for yourself. YOU can only make that change! GET MAD ALREADY!!!! Hang on tight! LOVE YOU! (HUGS)
Author piscis Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Thank you everyone for your responses and support Seraph1 thanks so much for yor empathy. Fooled I know everyone must think who can stay in a R with no happiness, well, someone who has attached a lot and not in a healthy way. I really really needed this words that day, I was feeling so lonley and I really want to thank all of you for your words. I think that I want in some strange way to "avoid the pain" (as I am not in pain right now) but I must be strong and do what I know I have to do. Mimo!! Since day one you have been so supportive and yes you are right things have not changed and if they have they have certainly have not changed in a possitive way, I do not want to be posting here the same things a year from now, I have to stop being stucked in this and continue forward. By the way he has never been my boss he is just a coworker. anyway, I can recognize things, I can see things but I have somuch trouble taking actions. Hope this changes in a very short period of time; and I am not just sitting down expecting it miraculously changes, today I am starting therapy (again but with someone different) hope this is a first step.
White Flower Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Here's one more thing to motivate you. The longer you wait to stop, the more you prolong your unhappiness. Yes, you will hurt after it's over. You will hurt worse that you do now, BUT, after a while, through some ups and downs, you will slowly start feel better and better. You will be excited about life without him again. It's worth it to go through the loss and grief in order to gain a better life.This is a loaded idea full of unrealistic expectations though. What if THIS is the one? What if HE doesn't realize it right now? What if she dumps him in hopes that he'll see the light, but doesn't? If she suspects already he never will then your conclusion may be right but if there is an inkling that he could then how do we know she won't regret ending it? I think piscis should have a few more conversations with her guy to see what he thinks and says. Then make a decision when she feels more sure about it.
jthorne Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 This is a loaded idea full of unrealistic expectations though. What if THIS is the one? What if HE doesn't realize it right now? What if she dumps him in hopes that he'll see the light, but doesn't? If she suspects already he never will then your conclusion may be right but if there is an inkling that he could then how do we know she won't regret ending it? I think piscis should have a few more conversations with her guy to see what he thinks and says. Then make a decision when she feels more sure about it.Looks like some projecting going on here. Why should she waste any more time on a man who doesn't know what he wants? Why should any woman wait around to see if they are going to be chosen like a mutt at the pound? That kind of thinking sounds like it's coming from someone who either doesn't think they deserve more, or simply doesn't have any other options.
fooled once Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Looks like some projecting going on here. Why should she waste any more time on a man who doesn't know what he wants? Why should any woman wait around to see if they are going to be chosen like a mutt at the pound? That kind of thinking sounds like it's coming from someone who either doesn't think they deserve more, or simply doesn't have any other options. I agree. If it was so 'meant to be' then why is he still married? If he is "the one" why is she alone night after night? This has gone on for a long time .... sounds like he is just a cake eater who enjoys his wife and mistress. Sounds like he is content to keep things as is, because if he wasn't, he would get out. No one is saying divorce is easy - but damn, isn't it better than cheating? How long is she supposed to wait? 5 years? 10 years? While her life passes her by, he goes home to the wife and continues living the life he has always had. He is choosing to continue to keep piscis waiting and waiting and yearning and hoping. How is that fair to her? Why NOT say "call me when you are divorced. You know I love you; but it isn't fair to keep me on the back burner while you decide what you want. If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask or expect me to keep waiting. Please respect me and what we have shared and leave me alone until you determine what you want".
Silly_Girl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Looks like some projecting going on here. Why should she waste any more time on a man who doesn't know what he wants? Why should any woman wait around to see if they are going to be chosen like a mutt at the pound? That kind of thinking sounds like it's coming from someone who either doesn't think they deserve more, or simply doesn't have any other options. Looks like some projecting going on HERE.
jthorne Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Looks like some projecting going on HERE.I sincerely apologize if I hit a nerve.
Silly_Girl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I sincerely apologize if I hit a nerve. No need. Please, carry on.
donnamaybe Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I agree. If it was so 'meant to be' then why is he still married? If he is "the one" why is she alone night after night? This has gone on for a long time .... sounds like he is just a cake eater who enjoys his wife and mistress. Sounds like he is content to keep things as is, because if he wasn't, he would get out. No one is saying divorce is easy - but damn, isn't it better than cheating? How long is she supposed to wait? 5 years? 10 years? While her life passes her by, he goes home to the wife and continues living the life he has always had. He is choosing to continue to keep piscis waiting and waiting and yearning and hoping. How is that fair to her? Why NOT say "call me when you are divorced. You know I love you; but it isn't fair to keep me on the back burner while you decide what you want. If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask or expect me to keep waiting. Please respect me and what we have shared and leave me alone until you determine what you want". Yes. No need for him to change a thing if he knows the OP is passively waiting for him to honor her with a smidgen of his time. OP, it's like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts less the quicker you do it. Good luck!
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