NotNow Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I know I'm harping on this but my bf and I are both really mad at each other over the same thing, and it's beginning to make me doubt my point of view. Curious what others think. The other night my bf asked me to put a soaking wet umbrella in my purse. I said no (because it was wet!!), and didn't think anything else of it. If it matters, whenever he asks me to put his car keys (which weigh 5lbs), wallet, etc. in my purse I let him. Turns out he's really mad about this. He thinks it made him look bad that I wouldn't put the umbrella in my purse, and that if I didn't want it in my bag I should have at least taken it and held on to it myself. I think he's being ridiculous. I think it's silly of him to expect me to put something wet in my bag; ridiculous that he thinks my not doing so makes him look bad; and it's really obnoxious of him to think I should have held it for him. I was already carrying my purse with his keys in it, and he was perfectly capable of holding the thing himself. Am I crazy for not wanting a wet umbrella in my bag, and not wanting both my hands full?
sm1tten Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Well, no, you're not crazy. I read your other thread and I couldn't figure out what his problem was regarding this umbrella issue, but the fact that he's still upset about it suggests that he's using it to project about some other issue in the relationship. Either that, or your boyfriend is really paranoid about losing his umbrella. He seems really concerned about how you reflect upon him/make him look. Why is that?
Author NotNow Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 He seems really concerned about how you reflect upon him/make him look. Why is that? Couldn't say...this is the second time that he's said something along the lines of me acting badly in front of other people. The first time I was extremely distracted by what I perceived to be an urgent matter that needed to be addressed, and so I failed to say hello to his friend (who also did not say hello to me, which would have gotten my attention). The only other thing that comes to mind immediately that has to do with how I reflect upon him is when he invites me to things with his friends because he wants to show me off (his words).
curlygirl40 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I'm agreeing with other poster and saying that it seems to have nothing to do with the umbrella as much as it had something to do with how he perceived it made him look in front of others. It's a bigger issue which will probably filter in to other situations/arguments. Towards the end of my marriage, which was emotionally abusive on many levels, I innocently forgot to put my wedding ring back on after putting hand cream on right before a Christmas party. This was an office Christmas party of mine where there were only a few other couples and he knew them all. My now ex was FURIOUS that I would take the time to invite him to a Christmas party but yet not wear my wedding ring. He considered it very disrespectful and didn't talk to me for days. It really was something I did often in the winter with having dry skin and all. He didn't care if I went to the grocery store w/o my ring on let's say. But to him an office party w/o it on was disrespectful. I see this the same way. It wasn't about the umbrella, it was about how it made him feel in front of others when you said no to him.
thatone Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) i can sympathize notnow, having family on both sides of this coin of social grace. my dad's family is new orleans, and they have their social graces (learned primarily from the catholic church, and new orleans in general has more formal restaurants, gatherings, activities etc). my mom's family is arkansas. they have...well....none in many cases. it's bad to the point that my stepfather, at 58, refuses to own or wear a suit/tie even to weddings and funerals. he's like an 8 year old who still refuses to get dressed for sunday dinner in an almost 60 year old body. in my case they're just family, not wives or girlfriends, so i tolerate the social have-nots. in your case, it's not so simple. the only solution i see to this is offering to teach him, but it does you no good if he won't listen. i will say that i have made these sort of things a deal breaker with women i've met on the arkansas side of my life. show up in t shirt/jeans on a first date, order beer or tequila at a restaurant, no makeup, etc.? fine, but they're not even dating material much less relationship material and i'll make that obvious by playing the as*hole on that first date to let them know. if i were in your shoes and had to work on a good speech to give him, it would be something along the lines of... "look, i might overlook your social miscues if you weren't getting upset about me not acting wrong right there along with you, but that's not the case so here's how it is. you need to learn a few things. the way you act is not right, or proper, or acceptable to anyone outside of your group of friends. so if you want me to stay around, you're going to have to accept the fact that not only will i refuse to behave the way you think i should, but you're going to have to be the one to learn to behave a little better. think about it, and let me know which you choose" and then let him answer yes or no, and be ready with examples that you explain as non confrontationally as possible. if he takes the bait, and you care enough to work with him, then work with him. if not or he gets defensive about it, i don't see a future there, to be honest. because if he gets so defensive about other people refusing to conform to HIS poor behavior, he's so far away from changing that behavior that he may never learn. i mean, my stepfather didn't go to my brother's wedding because he refused to buy a suit, and when my brother struggled to try to explain the situation to him i stepped up and told him "no, it's not ok for you to go to a formal wedding in new orleans with boots and jeans on, so if you don't want to buy a suit i'll even set you up with my tailor and he'll find something for you, and if it makes you feel better i'll even pay for it", but he chose to not go instead, and sent mom with me (he lucked out that i was single at the time, if i had a gf she would have been furious, no doubt). so if i'm reading your bf correctly, the best i think you can do is tell him the truth and offer to help him, but be in control of that conversation and make sure he understands that there is no compromise, it's a yes or no proposition, you are right, and he is wrong. Edited August 25, 2011 by thatone
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 sounds like he has control issues. he used to handing you stuff and you handle it.... this time you said no.... and he doesn't like it. stand your ground
chelsea2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Maybe it's a machismo thing. Meaning, he thought it was "unmanly" to be seen carrying an umbrella. Guys are pretty simple, however if this the case it means he insecure about is manliness.
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 sounds like he has control issues. he used to handing you stuff and you handle it.... this time you said no.... and he doesn't like it. stand your ground I agree with this one. And potentially agree that it's complicated by being seen as "not in control" when other people are around. Also: my BF would probably not let me carry my OWN soaking wet umbrella around if he could find a way to get it from my hands. What kind of a guy tries to make you take his and put it in your purse? I'm not one of those women who requires chivalry or even values it --- I still find it silly when the BF opens the car door (you have power locks; you really can just push the button), but THAT just seems beyond unchivalrous to me, down to downright impolite. I don't know that I'd be "really mad about it" if things were good, but if it were a point of contention, it'd definitely make me raise an eyebrow at how he viewed me and other people in general. Especially when coupled with the "showing off" thing.
thatone Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 besides that, what kind of places do you go to that don't have those plastic umbrella bags?
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) (I haven't read the other replies but...) Unless it's some kind of uncharacteristic issue/isolated quirk... he probably has issues he should work out =x (either way, actually). I would be bothered by it, too. Perhaps he's not confident in himself... perhaps he cares about what others think far too much... perhaps he's strangely needy... perhaps the umbrella triggered some traumatic memory in his mind :eek:... unless you can really figure out wtf is going on, I'm not sure if it's wise to waste more of your time on it. It is certainly quite silly and above all (unless he's had some deeply disturbing experience that can be associated with the wet umbrella/the fact you didn't want to hold onto it ), he should respect your wishes before his "image" in the eyes of others and or before any other such trivial thing. What about how he looks in YOUR eyes... Hmm... my boyfriend has carried my purse/jacket/etc around in public. I've lightly teased him about it and he just grinned slyly and did some silly little strut... all in good humor =p... he does seem very secure in his identity though, and for years now he's behaved like a gentleman... I suppose I'm just wondering if your boyfriend has other strange hang-ups... where else they bleed off into. Edited August 26, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
Recommended Posts