lemonlegs Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend just turned 23 last month. He still lives at home (despite working a full-time job, making GOOD money), though he moved quite far away for about a year and a half a couple years ago. He lost his job and his parents lent him a couple thousand of dollars and they would come to visit him despite it being quite far away. Now I knew from when I started dating him (A year and a bit ago) that he was very close to his family, nothing wrong with that. His older sisster, 26, is basically best friends with their mom and has no problems hanging out at home for the majority of her life, when not at work. Yes, she does have her own apartment, but she's a teacher so she comes home on weekends and throughout the whole summer. My boyfriend has more of a social life than his sister, so he tends to go out with his friends a lot or with me. A few weeks ago, he messaged me saying that he had an intense conversation with his mom. He told me that she started crying saying that he didn't spend enough time with her and basically made him feel as though he is a horrible, unloving son towards his family which is complete BS because he spends more 'family time' than any other guy I know that's his age. I was a bit appalled by this and expressed how I felt that she was being a little manipulative, but he says that he 'should be spending more time with them'. Don't get me wrong, his parents are extremely nice people and I've always gotten along with them, so I hate speaking badly about them, but crap like this irks me. His mom cooks for him, buys him clothes, does his laundry, etc. So now his mom makes him go on bike rides with her once a week..... :| He finally decided to move out and though I won't be "moving in with him", I will be there a lot. So, he wanted me to go view places with him. The first place he viewed, he had to call his mom and talk to her. She made him agree to show them the leasing papers and even view the place before he signed anything. He thought that was a reasonable request. I finally said to him, "Why the hell am I going with you then? Clearly you can't make decisions on your own so you might as well bring your parents with you instead of bringing me." And he got mad at me as if I was being rude about it. He's also said that he has to "make sure he visits them at least 3 times a week." Are you freaking kidding me? Three times a week? Ugh, it just frustrates me. I feel like this issue will be the one thing that could potentially ruin our relationship. I am very close to my family, but they acknowledge the fact that I'm an adult and don't expect me to have "family time" with them multiple times a week. Any insight or advice for how to deal with this? Edited August 25, 2011 by lemonlegs
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Some families are more tightly bound than others. Adult children can still be very close to their parents for many years after they 'move out'. You have a choice as to how you handle this. He's moving out for the first time. It's a big deal to him, more than likely. He's asserting one of the last and largest signals of independence, establishing his own domicile; his own 'territory'. It's a time of change and everyone handles change differently. IMO, if he is an otherwise loving and attentive boyfriend, go with the flow and see how it shakes out. Hold on loosely. As my best friend once imparted wisdom of age to my now exW, 'don't attempt to come between the love of a son for his mother, for it is a battle you will loose'. If his family dynamics are incompatible, they are. I wouldn't make that decision today. After he's settled into his new place, revisit the dynamic.
sm1tten Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Well, for one thing, I think your behavior was pretty rude towards him. I can sort of relate to this; I'm not very close to my family, and when I was dating someone who was very close with his, eventually it wore on me. I needed more space. So I stopped spending as much time with them, and that bothered his family, who felt like I was rejecting them. So it became awkward. But your situation is different. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is neglecting you in favor of spending time at home or making you spend time with them too - or is he? I'm not entirely sure what the big deal is. Especially since he's only 23 and has been living at home the majority of his life. It's perfectly reasonable for him to lean on his parents for big decisions like signing a lease and to want their opinion on his new apartment. He wanted yours, too; doesn't that mean anything to you? Some families are very tight-knit, and others aren't. The dynamics are probably going to change once he is out of the house and has to start fending for himself. Now, if in a few months time, he's still spending tons of time at the old house, his mom is still doing all his cooking, cleaning, shopping, and laundry, THEN I'd possibly be worried. But you really can't predict how all of this is going to down before he's even signed the lease. For right now, you need to be more supportive of the fact that he's making a huge change in his life - moving actually in the direction you seem to want him to, which is increased independence - and you should not expect everyone to adjust to your comfort level.
NotNow Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Are you upset because his spending so much time with his mom means he is spending less time with you, or are you upset because you don't think he should be spending so much time with his mom? I consider myself close to my family, and I think my parents did a great job raising me...but they definitely really encouraged independence. Even when I was in college, trying to move into an apartment with roommates, they could never sign a lease until talking to their parents, while I was the one kid who didn't even think to call my parents. So I can understand where you're coming from, re: the apartment...however, I can also see the other side, where for a lot of people this is a huge step. I don't think it's that unusual for anyone's parents to help the way your bf's parents are when it comes to a first apartment (I always felt like the "odd" one because my parents weren't like that). I do disagree with others who say that this may change...he's very comfortable with his family dynamic and I don't see his mother suddenly encouraging him to be more independent.
Memphis Raines Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Any insight or advice for how to deal with this? yes, find a man that hates his family, and a man that has a mother that doesn't miss the boy she brought in to this world.
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I recall my exW having similar concerns, as I was/am an only child and was single for many years. I reminded her that I moved out to buy my first home, then moved a good distance away to buy another home, all many years before meeting her. My mom and I also traveled a lot together after my dad died. We were close, no doubt. We were also very independent and had strong boundaries. It was my exW's perception of that dynamic, especially after marrying and my mom subsequently suffering a massive stroke and requiring my care, that contributed to the deterioration and end of our M. She used the 'momma's boy' phrase once too many times and lost herself a loving and caring husband in the process. Also, OP, be mindful of double standards when passing judgment on another person's familial relations. I recall enduring endless litanies of complaints from my exW about her family, especially her mother, yet never said one harsh word to or about her mother and was always right there to help her (exW's mom) out, even though their family dynamic was about as antithetical to my own as I could get. It was their life and it was valid for them, just like your BF's is valid for him. Note she's my exW. Sometimes things don't work out. You may face that decision in the future. I hope you'll make it for healthy reasons.
Author lemonlegs Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Thanks everyone. I'm really not trying to be rude to him. I think it's fine about the apartment thing. THAT I CAN understand. However, his mother treats both his sister and him like they're still 14 years old. She doesn't trust him, and it's for no good reason. She's a wonderful lady, I've never had any problems with her, except for the fact that I think can be controlling over him sometimes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with one being close with their family, but it's an entirely different thing when he takes his mom side and immediately claims that he 'understands where she's coming from' even if it's somewhat unreasonable.
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