Trying to understand why she left so abruptly!

[genmut]

Hi all, I'm new here.

Just got dumped by my girlfriend of 1 year out of the blue. The way she rationalized it makes no sense to me, and it's still haunting me after 3 weeks.

 

I mean no disrespect, and I don't know if this might have something to do with it, but she's had a messy past - she had an eating disorder and depression when she was 17, including one suicide attempt where she tried to slit her wrist.

She got together with this guy at 18, a player who actually told her that he had 47 girls before her, but convinced her he'd changed since. She literally worshipped him - gave up her singing career and lost her virginity to him. He then cheated on her, and it ended there.

She went on to sleep with another player she met at a party. Turns out she got chlamydia from him. They stopped having sex, but continued hanging out as friends.

And right after that she goes drinking with this guy who got her drunk and molested her.

 

After these experiences with guys, her character changed dramatically. She decided to no longer be the "withering flower", and got a shorter haircut to prove her point. And then she found me. She made me feel like the solution to her damaged love life, because I was a loyal partner. Everyone around us thought we were perfect together, and she finally seemed happy with her life.

 

Early in the relationship, she piled details of her previous sexual encounters on me. She'd mention something, then I'd get curious and ask. But I'm pretty sure I got more information than I asked for. Now this was a problem, because she was still hanging out with the chlamydia guy cos they were in the same social circle. He was quite a popular figure in that circle, so she risked jeopardising most of her friendships if she cut ties with him. I got jealous, and cracks started appearing in our relationship. It didn't help that I was possessive by nature.

 

Once she got into a depression over her work (she's a perfectionist) and asked to meet up less. I protested, and that worsened her depression, and she broke down. But she always didn't blame me, and papered over the cracks with kind and soft words. On my end I agreed to work on my possessiveness.

 

These conflicts regarding her past and her need for space resurfaced several times, but otherwise the relationship was chugging along nicely. She told me that she'd found in me everything she ever wanted, and didn't feel the motivation to work for anything else anymore. We sometimes talked about marriage. I gave up graduate school in Stanford to stay with her, because we were anticipating a two-year LDR ahead as she had plans to work in the UK for a while. I really wanted this to work.

 

Then one day, out of the blue, she tells me that she's become a different person, more timid, more docile, like a "slug". She wanted to be the outgoing, adventurous, experimental person. She brought up past conflicts, saying that I made her depression worse, and accusing me of getting in the way of her social life. She then broke up with me and ignored me for 2 weeks, after which she sent a strongly worded email (while slightly drunk one night) blaming me for caging her like a bird, for changing her into someone she didn't want to be. Said she wasn't living when she was with me, and that she was enjoying living for herself now.

 

Now I do recognise that I'd been a bit possessive/dependent, cos I was unhappy when she clubbed with the chlamydia guy and denied her space when she needed it. But each time we talked it out before nicely, and agreed on resolutions. I never forced any changes on her. And all of a sudden, she throws it all in my face, takes me on a massive guilt trip and ends it. Said she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay friends anymore. Just the day before she told me she loved me, and we were making plans for the summer. I can't understand it.

 

Another thing I don't get - she remained buddies with the guy who supposedly "used her like a sex toy" and gave her chlamydia, whereas with me, she blocked me on skype, facebook etc and basically treated me like scum.

 

Most times I have no problems getting over a breakup, but this one has so many unanswered question. For 3 weeks I've dreamt of her every single night, and replayed the relationship in my head over and over looking for answers. Some days I'm convinced it was my fault, other days I put it down to her troubled past. I don't know what to think.

 

Sorry for the long post! All opinions are welcome. Thanks in advance people

[Nohbody]

Stop asking 'why', no answer you ever receive will satisfy you, and it probably won't be true. It sounds like this person has a lot of issues she needs to work out for herself before she is going to be able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

Focus on yourself. It will be hard, but with persistence you will be ok. She needs to make her own mistakes, hopefully she'll learn from them eventually. Good luck.

[KathyM]

Hi all, I'm new here.

Just got dumped by my girlfriend of 1 year out of the blue. The way she rationalized it makes no sense to me, and it's still haunting me after 3 weeks.

 

I mean no disrespect, and I don't know if this might have something to do with it, but she's had a messy past - she had an eating disorder and depression when she was 17, including one suicide attempt where she tried to slit her wrist.

She got together with this guy at 18, a player who actually told her that he had 47 girls before her, but convinced her he'd changed since. She literally worshipped him - gave up her singing career and lost her virginity to him. He then cheated on her, and it ended there.

She went on to sleep with another player she met at a party. Turns out she got chlamydia from him. They stopped having sex, but continued hanging out as friends.

And right after that she goes drinking with this guy who got her drunk and molested her.

 

After these experiences with guys, her character changed dramatically. She decided to no longer be the "withering flower", and got a shorter haircut to prove her point. And then she found me. She made me feel like the solution to her damaged love life, because I was a loyal partner. Everyone around us thought we were perfect together, and she finally seemed happy with her life.

 

Early in the relationship, she piled details of her previous sexual encounters on me. She'd mention something, then I'd get curious and ask. But I'm pretty sure I got more information than I asked for. Now this was a problem, because she was still hanging out with the chlamydia guy cos they were in the same social circle. He was quite a popular figure in that circle, so she risked jeopardising most of her friendships if she cut ties with him. I got jealous, and cracks started appearing in our relationship. It didn't help that I was possessive by nature.

 

Once she got into a depression over her work (she's a perfectionist) and asked to meet up less. I protested, and that worsened her depression, and she broke down. But she always didn't blame me, and papered over the cracks with kind and soft words. On my end I agreed to work on my possessiveness.

 

These conflicts regarding her past and her need for space resurfaced several times, but otherwise the relationship was chugging along nicely. She told me that she'd found in me everything she ever wanted, and didn't feel the motivation to work for anything else anymore. We sometimes talked about marriage. I gave up graduate school in Stanford to stay with her, because we were anticipating a two-year LDR ahead as she had plans to work in the UK for a while. I really wanted this to work.

 

Then one day, out of the blue, she tells me that she's become a different person, more timid, more docile, like a "slug". She wanted to be the outgoing, adventurous, experimental person. She brought up past conflicts, saying that I made her depression worse, and accusing me of getting in the way of her social life. She then broke up with me and ignored me for 2 weeks, after which she sent a strongly worded email (while slightly drunk one night) blaming me for caging her like a bird, for changing her into someone she didn't want to be. Said she wasn't living when she was with me, and that she was enjoying living for herself now.

 

Now I do recognise that I'd been a bit possessive/dependent, cos I was unhappy when she clubbed with the chlamydia guy and denied her space when she needed it. But each time we talked it out before nicely, and agreed on resolutions. I never forced any changes on her. And all of a sudden, she throws it all in my face, takes me on a massive guilt trip and ends it. Said she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay friends anymore. Just the day before she told me she loved me, and we were making plans for the summer. I can't understand it.

 

Another thing I don't get - she remained buddies with the guy who supposedly "used her like a sex toy" and gave her chlamydia, whereas with me, she blocked me on skype, facebook etc and basically treated me like scum.

 

Most times I have no problems getting over a breakup, but this one has so many unanswered question. For 3 weeks I've dreamt of her every single night, and replayed the relationship in my head over and over looking for answers. Some days I'm convinced it was my fault, other days I put it down to her troubled past. I don't know what to think.

 

Sorry for the long post! All opinions are welcome. Thanks in advance people

She's damaged goods. Not emotionally healthy. Why would you want to try to make a relationship work with someone that is unstable? She realized you were not a match--and you're not. You seem to want a normal relationship and was trying to make your relationship with her into a normal one. I don't think it's possible to do that. She's not emotionally healthy.

[Chi townD]

Problem is that she's attracted to the "Bad boy" syndrome. She's attracted to the bad boys that are "playa's" that she thinks that she can "cage" and get them to settle down. She attracted to glam and the glitz of the club scene. The excitement of it. She didn't want to lose that.

 

So, why did she hook up with you? She thought that she was done with that. A girl once told me that women, "date the bad boys, but marry the good guys." She thought that she was ready to settle down with a guy that was going places and was grounded with set goals in his life. I mean, you were in grad school at Standford for pete sakes! Do you think "clap boy" is doing that well for himself? SHe's following this lifestyle and riding it out. The problem for her is the lifestyle is gonna ride HER out and she's gonna be ridden hard and left to dry. A total mess.

 

She used you, and I think you dodged a HUGE bullet on this one. Go back to school move on with your life. I guarantee, she's gonna contact you again. Go NC and stay there! She's nothing but trouble.

[genmut]

I guess I did leave out a bunch of petty things I did to piss her off. Like when I protested that she didn't warn me before getting a buzzcut hairstyle.

 

It's tempting to put it down to her instability, but most of that was in the past - she seemed pretty stable throughout the relationship (save for one bout of depression)

She isn't like all the other club chicks though - she's kinda awkward in social situations and she knows it. The tragedy of it is that she considers partying an occupational necessity (she's in the creative industry..hence networking etc) Or at least that's why she says she needs to party.

 

Chi town, you're right about the bad boy syndrome though. She probably had no space issues with her exes cos they were all too busy with other girls.

[flitzanu]

she probably met a new badboy, or she has ****ty friends that have convinced her she's being controlled by you and she is weak enough to listen...and run.

 

doesn't matter what petty things you've done, no need to rehash. she left because of her, not because of you.

 

take note of your more negative traits and try to work on that, but don't presume that YOU are the monster here. you can't fix her.