SugarHoney Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Ok, so as some of you know, my ex has left me all these confusing mixed messages and non committal responses to my heart broken pleas. Now I have signed up for online dating just for fun to help boost my self esteem and slowly move on from him. However, I worry that if I start dating new guys, even if the "dating" is just for fun, then I will lose any chance I may have with my ex and/or may end up hurting someone else. I know really I should move on and not date anyone until I am completely "over" my ex, but its been 5 months since me and my ex split (even though there has been many mixed messages exchanged in that time) and as his mixed messages continue, I feel like I'm putting my life on hold just "in case" he changes his mind and wants me back. And I know if I avoid dating and meeting new people completely for an indefinite period of "recovery and heart mending" then I am effectively putting my life on hold just on the off chance that my ex will come back to me. I know I am not ready for serious dating yet, but surely some friendly casual conversations exchanged in order to get to know some new guys isn't so bad? I really don't know what to do anymore. But I know I can't wait around for my ex forever when he has given no clear sign that he will ever want me back. Just hints and suggestions that he may be thinking about it, but has yet to make up his mind.
Nohbody Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I haven't really had any experience in this arena, but I have read some other members' experiences... they don't seem to be super-positive. That being said, anything you can do to step away from what was is probably positive... but a bad experience could cause you to backslide. Be aware of the risks, and make your decision. I'd recommend you not do it right now and focus on being a more awesome you. But that's just my opinion.
radiodarcy Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 you don't necessarily need to do either. why not just take time out to heal and focus on you? i tried online dating not long after i got dumped and all it did was make me miss the ex even more. it took a few months but overtime i found other things to focus on like reading, writing, movies; i started going to the gym more often and reaching out to friends and family more. overtime i felt much better. if you're looking for someone to talk to, turn to friends and family. if you don't have any friends/family in the area you live you can always try meetup.com, which has a lot of activities that you can do and meet new people as well. i personally, don't do it because i'm pretty introverted, enjoy solitary activities and am happy with the small circle of friends/acquaintances that i have. but i know a lot of people who have tried it and like it.
2sunny Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 you keep hanging on to something that's not there! any man that wants to be with you would do ANYTHING to be sure he IS with YOU and YOU only - since he hasn't been doing that - he's not interested! do what makes YOU happy - as long as it's not dependent on what he is or isn't doing. it's over! his mixed signals are designed to feed his selfish ego - never considering YOUR feelings! who would want a man like that anyway? you need a MAN that thinks of YOU... not thinks of HIM ONLY! go out - get busy living and finding a new way to be happy.
ScienceGal Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I have mixed feelings regarding online dating. I was exchanging emails with one guy and he seemed really decent. We were planning to meet and he sadly informed me that another connection he made was getting more serious and he deleted his account. The bad part is that I did not respond to anyone else (I am very much a one-guy type of gal) and one other guy on there got upset that I did not respond... as in really upset. He said he noticed I looked at his profile but since I didn't respond to his message he found it to be soul-crushing and heart breaking and all kinds of other over the top stuff. Then (without knowing my name) he found me on Facebook somehow and that really freaked me out. So, I deleted the online dating account. In summary, I know you want to move forward, but you don't need a guy to do that. And just because you aren't dating, doesn't mean you're 'waiting' for your ex. I totally understand wanting that connection to someone (I want that too! but it cannot be rushed. And it may be that you don't 100% move on until you meet someone new, and that is ok. Just focus on yourself and the longer you give yourself to heal properly, the more ready you will be when you meet someone. You should just let things happen naturally. Only do online dating if you are really ready to date.
flitzanu Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 what chance are you ruining with your ex? you aren't with him. and i'd worry that you're trying to find a date just to make him jealous or make it known that you're dating based on how much you want this guy to come back, so i'd have to agree you need to focus on YOU, not on dating. seriously, i was WRENCHED over my ex, she had a new boy days after she left, and i've been single for a year. not even a date. occupy your time with social activities, internet chat, movies, gaming, something. it's tough i know. but find things to replace ALL the times you'd spend with him, and work on YOU.
Queen of Hearts 10 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 We can never stop loving our EX's. So love them from afar ! I can give advise but I have a hard time following it ! The on-line dating can be controlled by you ! So I say do go shopping and find some new friends or maybe a man with a real heart that might care about you. Beware of the predators on there ! The ones that write often they are sincere maybe ! Be careful. It's a game with lots of Jokers !! Good Luck ! Queen of Hearts 10
danceallday Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 There is this great concept called circular dating. Rori Raye coined the name and it sounds like solid advice. I wish I had done it with my ex and will definitely do it next time this issue comes up. http://relationshipclean-up.blogspot.com/2009/07/rule-18-dont-be-exclusive-if-you-want_20.html http://10000besides.com/mindfreak/4495/keeping-him-interested-with-circular-dating/
ConfusedT Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Actually, I have stopped loving most of my ex's eventually, but only the ones that essentially ripped my heart out! =) The ones that were good to me and we were good together, I will NEVER stop loving them, because they are good, decent people and they deserve that! Your question: No you should definitely NOT wait for your ex indefinitely! WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS? HE is your EX for a reason!! Take your time and heal! Hell, if that means ONLINE DATING, go for it! IMHO, anything to makes you feel good is better than nothing. I am choosing NOT to go that route & just let time do its part and if at some point, I get there then yes I will. If not- everything will fall into place! gl!
california15 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 hhheeellllll no don't wait for an Ex. Don't wait for anyone. F That. You only have one chance at life. You don't want to waste it on someone you're hoping will 'come around'. Because what if they don't? Then you look back with regret on all this time wasted for a nobody and passed by opportunities with someone who WANTS to be with you. It's like passing up a warm gooey chocolate chip cookie out of the oven because you can't take your eyes off the stale crumbs of the other cookie on the table, hoping they'll regroup and become a cookie again. Not gunna happen, so don't hold your breath. They don't want to be in a relationship with you. That should answer all questions of "should I wait?" Wait for what? Wait for them to want to be with you? Your time is way too valuable for that. Its not replaceable. They missed out and its their loss. Not yours. As for online dating, I have absolutely no advice on that one way or the other lol
FinOuch Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) First of all, you should no longer be concerned about whether or not the ex will change his mind and come back to give you another chance. The tough truth is that he left. And if he wants to come back and honestly try again, he will...regardless of whether you've started dating or not. (Some may even argue that knowing you are now dating will force a decision if he's on the fence...which I wouldn't hold my breath for regardless.) You can not live your life on "what if" chances for a guy who flaked out on you in the first place. However...I really don't advocate dating as a way to boost yourself esteem and move on. At least not in an active and direct way, such as a website. I think of it in terms of this analogy: you have a mountain to climb (the peak being dating confidently with little to no emotional turbulence). You could choose to take a quicker straight path up the mountain, or you could choose to take a longer, winding indirect path. Which do you think will be less painful? Much like climbing a mountain, in dating it is usually is overwhelming and horribly painful to take a bee-line approach. Baby steps are necessary! Instead, for now...perhaps focus on getting out and socializing as a way to work your way towards dating. Take some classes or join some groups related to things you enjoy, and seek out friendships through these methods. This allows you to incorporate new people into your life in a more paced and natural way, without all the romantic pressure and confusion. As your social circle grows, one of two things are going to happen: 1) You actually wind up meeting someone with romantic potential in a less direct method, and from there it is much easier to transition into dating that person. Or... 2) You don't meet anyone date-worthy, but you've expanded your social circle and your self-confidence enough that you are then better prepared for a more in-your-face style of dating, such as websites. Edited August 26, 2011 by FinOuch
Karala Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 We can never stop loving our EX's. So love them from afar ! Erm... Yes we can!
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