pumpkin23 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Hello, I have been in a relationship for almost two years (our anniversary is next month) and although there are many good aspects to our relationship, I do notice that I feel a lot of resentment towards my partner for different things that have happened in the past. Usually I never discuss them with him because he gets irritated and tells me that I'm making him uncomfortable or giving him a headache and that I should just forget about it. There have been many different things that I think cause the resentment--different things that he has done since we've been together that have bothered me. There is one thing though that happened before we were together that I want your opinions on. When we first met, he told me that he was not a virgin. Later he confided that he actually was a virgin, and had only told me that because he was ashamed. It made sense; when the time came that we were together he had issues and didn't seem to know exactly what he was doing. However, even to this day I wonder whether he was telling the truth, just because he has lied so much about things like that...there's just this part of me that doesn't believe what he says. He told me that before he met me (I'm not sure when)...he told his then-friends that he was a virgin and they couldn't believe it, so they convinced him that they would call a prostitute for him (they were at this friend's apartment). This is where the story gets mixed up. My boyfriend told me then that the prostitute and *pimp* I guess arrived, but never came inside for some reason, and nothing happened (don't know why that would be). When I got mad about the story, he told me that he was a loser and had never had sex, that was the reason--because he was desperate. It made me feel really weird, and it still does, even though it happened before we were together. I never liked those friends---one of them made a comment to my boyfriend when we were first together that maybe we would all get *drunk* and I would have sex with one of them, or something like that. My boyfriend stopped talking to him--but then met him in public and wanted to be friends again with this guy! Which made me very angry because of what this person said about me. My boyfriend didn't talk to him again as far as I know. Anyways, what would you feel like in this situation? I can't discuss it with my boyfriend, obviously, because he gets very irritated and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. And I feel weird talking to anyone else. Would you be angry or resentful about this type of behavior (other things related to this have happened to, but I won't get into it). Thanks
Boogiedog Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 The real issue here is not whether your boyfriend was a virgin or not, it is about the lying. The reason that he does not want to talk about it is ... the lying! People who lie weave a deadly web that gets progressively tighter over time. They begin to forget what lie they told to whom. Therefore, their defense is ... "I don't want to talk about it." Lying is a cancer on a relationship. You might forgive it, but you can never forget it. It will color everything that is said between you, or that happens between you. You cannot build trust on a foundation of lies. If you cannot build trust, you cannot build a relationship. I would suggest that the next time that he says, "I don't want to talk about it." Just look him square in the eye and say, "But, I do!" This could be your tipping point where you must think of your future not just of this moment. If you don't address this issue now, you just become his enabler. This is from a man probably of your grandfather's age. It is what I would tell my own grand-daughter in your situation.
FarmGirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 My SO also lies. 9 1/2 years later it hasn't gotten any better. I'd tell you to dump him, but I'm no peach in the relationship counseling department. So I'll ask you a question instead...do you want to find yourself like me...years later, wondering where your life went while you waited for him to become a normal, honest human being? Liars always lie.
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