sadcalifornian Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I did this when my wife told me about her cheating. I walked out, convinced our marriage was over and dedicated to getting over the betrayal and moving on with my life. But three weeks later she gave the OM the boot and begged me to come home and start over. I did and began to regret my decision a few months later when my anguish wouldn't stay locked up in the back of mind like I hoped it would. I guess it "worked" in so far as getting her back so this strategy might be pretty sound. But I've never forgotten what she did and never forgiven her for doing it so what did it get me? You can do this 180 thing and it may get your spouse back, but it does nothing for reconciliation. That is the real problem and the reason most of us are here on this forum. Does anyone have a magic strategy for that? This is exactly what I did too. The only difference is when she booted the OM and came back to me begging for a 2nd chance, I asked for D. I had no feeling left in me for her. Well, the positive aspect of this approach is by letting her go, I kept my dignity and control (in a way). If I had felt my XW was worth it, I would have taken her back, but she never was a good W throughout our M anyway. But, if she had been a good W up until the A, I am sure I would have taken her back.
skywriter Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I totally agree with the "let them go" theory. Surely, true love is letting someone be free to be who they are and to be where they want to be. If your spouse doesn't want to be with you and commit wholly to the marriage, then let them go. If they come back, then you can decide it you want them back. If they don't come back, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. I am an OW. Actually, I am the first love of my BF who claims he never stopped loving me. We parted 30 years ago. He married his current W. I got married and was divorced 18 years ago. Been single ever since. We met up 2 yrs ago and realized we should have been married to each other. He told his wife right away. But he's still with her. Now they are in counselling. The wife is child-like and can't cope. All she does is cry but never asks what my BF needs or wants. It's all about her. So, I backed off. I've let him go in my heart and decided that if he comes back to me, then I will see where I am at that point. If he doesn't, oh well. I will keep going with my own life which is very full and wonderful. If "love" is really manipulating someone else to make ourselves feel better, it's not real love. Real love is wanting the best for the other person. Barrsitter, That was a nice post and it sounds like you did the right thing, leaving the MM be, to decide wehter or not he would stay in his marriage or leave it. I think that is an interesting way of looking at love in your last statement.
Steadfast Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I guess it "worked" in so far as getting her back so this strategy might be pretty sound. But I've never forgotten what she did and never forgiven her for doing it so what did it get me? You can do this 180 thing and it may get your spouse back, but it does nothing for reconciliation. That is the real problem and the reason most of us are here on this forum. Does anyone have a magic strategy for that? There is no magic formula for anything. The life you have is what you make it. When you're married, part of your happiness is dependent on them. My initial thought after reading this was; that's no way to live. Plenty of couples have moved past this, but in every case I know of, it was a life-long process. Situations can arise to dredge up old memories or emotions, and when that happens the spouse must recognize it and act. My pop cheated on mom and they worked it out, but it was on his mind all the way to his deathbed, even though she forgave him years before. It haunted him. Is there any question about the deep emotional damage of infidelity? If she's swept it under the rug like it never happened, or you two have not broken down and corrected the reason she cheated in the first place, then it's no wonder you're struggling. If you've done all that and continue to struggle, you might be one of those people that just can't live it it. In that case, divorce her and seek the peace and happiness you seek elsewhere. .
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