Yuzuki Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Not sure if I'm posting more often than I'm "allowed" lately, but I just need to get it out. I've made sure that I won't have any setbacks caused by myself again, by hiding souvenirs and pictures and whatnot. And yet I keep getting hurt by things that are out of my control. Last night I dreamed that he came up to me, kissed me and said he wanted to get back together. I woke up crying hysterically and trembling all over. Still dragged myself out of bed and went to work. It got a little bit better during the morning, but then during lunch I ended up standing right next to him while waiting for a hot meal at the canteen. I started trembling again (nearly dropped my plate and I could barely bring my drink to my mouth without having water all over the place) and felt really weird. Then about an hour later I cracked and started crying again. Now I'm trying to work but I just can't focus anymore. I just don't see the point of doing anything if he's no longer mine. And the worst thing is that he, the one who kept saying he wanted to be best friends, and who made me promise him I wouldn't "act funny" by not speaking to him anymore, is now acting like he can see right through me. I'm starting to wonder if the relationship was all in my mind. It's like he drank some potion and forgot all about me. It just hurts so much. And honestly, if this is my life right now, being afraid to go to sleep because of the dreams and being afraid to go to work because he'll be that cold again, I'm not sure if I want this to go on much longer. (Sorry for the negativity... I bet I'll feel better in awhile. But right now, I'm just depressed.)
ScienceGal Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You can post as much as you need to, especially when it seems you are trying to do all you can to understand and function/cope (instead of just endlessly whining). There is no time limit, and we all heal in different ways. I had a dream early on that the ex cried and said "please don't give up on me". THAT was gut wrenching. I am so sorry that you have to see your ex at work. That definitely makes it harder on you. I have vowed to never date anyone that I work with again (I've been exactly where you are). But remember, just because he seems to be playing it cool and as if he doesn't care, that doesn't mean it's so. This is all your perception. People tell me that I am doing great, even though I am just holding a lot of it in and putting on a tough face. Some people are better at doing this. My true ability will be tested when I have to face my ex. I haven't seen him in 2.5 months, and I have no idea how that will go. What is the likelihood of you transferring or finding a new job?
Author Yuzuki Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Hi ScienceGal and thanks for replying. The moment I'd posted I already felt a tiny bit better, but the confirmation that someone cares enough to reply also helps. I swear I don't know what I'd do without this forum. Seeing your ex really hurts, I'm afraid. It feels so familiar and yet so foreign and cold at the same time. And I swear, the moment I have to work with him, I'm going to die. It'll kill me. There is no way I'll be able to fake that I'm ok with it. Do you have to face your ex soon? I hope you'll be okay! Still, I don't want to change jobs, I like this one. I feel the only good thing about my life right now is that I've been able to land a job I actually like. As for dating people at the workplace, I have mixed feelings about it. Believe me when I say I know what you mean by not wanting to date colleagues ever again, work should be a place to distract yourself but for me it gets worse when I'm here. And yet... This is a big international company with lots of employees and I don't go out very much (I simply don't enjoy it), so I wouldn't know where else I'd meet someone. *sigh* life is complicated.
ScienceGal Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I never used to go out much, so I made a lot of friends through my ex. So, now I am back to not going out much. I have just started getting back out to places we frequented, so I will see him, but do not have to face him directly unless he approaches me (unlikely). For me, I know that I won't completely let go until I meet someone new. And even then, seeing my ex is going to be horrible, but I think it's mostly due to the way we broke up (he did in an email) and he fact that he said he will "speak to me when he is ready". So, on top of the loss of him and the relationship, I had to deal with his jumbo ego and cruel treatment. I also have to accept (still working on it) that I cannot make him see things my way or do anything to make him want me back. Letting go without being civil and respectful is not something I have ever experienced before. I think that you should try to get out no matter what it is. Volunteering, some sort of social group, anything really. Good luck
Author Yuzuki Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I don't like to go out. I didn't even do it with him - we just stayed inside and watched dramas or played games, and that's exactly what I like to do. So, I doubt I'm going to spend my time on anything I don't truly want to be doing. Still, thanks for the advice. An e-mail sounds awful. I can't imagine finding something like that in my inbox. Though actually, he broke up with me through text chat, so that's not much better. Though I feel I kind of pushed him into it because I was asking him about his feelings since he just seemed more distant suddenly. [venting] Another thing that's really painful is that for some reason I seem to love him more than I did during the relationship. Sometimes I feel bad for letting someone so awesome slip through my hands. It's the pedestal thing I'm sure. But it makes it awful.
ScienceGal Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You don't love him more, you just miss what you had. And not being able to have it intensifies all of your feelings.
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