fummer1 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I am and have been struggling with an issue regarding my girlfriend's past. I started dating a friend while she was involved in a divorce with her husband. I cared deeply for her and she strongly pursued me and pushed for a relationship. I asked for her to resolve her past and wait, but she didn't and against my better judgement I got involved with her. I was exposed to her divorce and in doing so she revealed her past to me. Prior to this relationship I did not have any serious relationship or any sexual partners, a decision based not upon waiting for marriage but of finding someone that I cared about. She started sleeping with her ex-husband at 15 and was engaged at 20. After the engagement, she began sleeping with her future husband's best friend and during that time had a threesome with him and some random girl. She slept with him (the best man) weeks before the wedding, and it sporadically continued for the majority of their marriage. On multiple occasions she left her bed and husband to hook up with this guy. She went through a period where she was sending explitic emails and even videotaped oral sex with her husband with the intention of sending it to his friend (at his request). She eventually put an end to the affair and left her husband a few years later (I did not know her until the very end of this period). She also revealed to me that she was raped her first semester in college and this contributed to her actions a year or two later. Also, this guy was very perssistent with trying to hook up with her (some friend). I have been struggling with this information for almost two years and it has put a lot of stress into my life. I try to understand her perspective, but I just can't. These situations have been on my mind a lot and we have talked about it quite frequently, and it is a strain on the relationship. I want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how. Its worth noting that she has tried her best to be a wonderful girlfriend to me and tells me I'm the love of her life. I have real difficultly with the fact that she did these things with this guy in the context that it happened and really feel as though sex has been devalued. I also struggle with the fact that she got married in the midst of this infidelity. I realized that, although I never made certain choices, that going into any relationship someone would likely have a past, but I feel like the situations that she was in really go against what I believe and I have difficulty see how I can find the significance in this relationship because of this. I've read a lot of message boards about similar issues (nothing quite like this), and I still haven't found something that help start me on a path to finding resolution. As much as I love her, I think that maybe it may be best to be friends and "live" a little more to gain personal perspective and if we can work in the future so be it. If anyone has any input, I'd greatly appreciate it. I would also appreciate it if the advice is constructive, so don't bother telling me I should just forget about these things because it doesn't work like that (I would do that if I could). Thanks for your help.
somethingsimple Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I hope this is constructive. Yeah, all those things in the past are a red flag. Plus, in my opinion, she just went through a divorce whether you believe her or not, she's not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. But just looking it from your relationship perspective. Everything happened in the past, yeah the past, if you want a future with this girl you have to presently forget the past. Also, this is all on you. It has nothing to do with her. You have no right to burden her or your relationship with this. You're being upset for what she did to other guys, not you. That's not love, bro. Love looks pass the past. To put it straight, you're insecure. Don't look to her, you have to look within yourself to straighten out those insecurities, if you really do care about her or the relationship. You're a different man and a different relationship. It has to be to a point, if your friends or family find out her past, you would have to be able to say I don't care the past is the past. Anyways, I can't really fix this for you. But I have some suggestions. First, love yourself a little more. Second, imagine you can date anyone you want and if you choose her, then get over it.
Emilia Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't agree with the previous poster, you have every right to question the values of your girlfriend - I think this is what the issue is, not her past with other men. Her marriage and the way she treated her husband (I'm assuming he wasn't aware of anything that was going on) sounds extremely shameful, I would not really want anything to do with someone who thought this can be justified. I understand she was abused and she met her husband when she was extremely young, she ended up in this affair while still extremely young but her age and the abuse only excuses her to a degree. You sound like a decent man, I think pershaps you should find someone who values other human beings the same way as you do. That's what I would do personally.
sweetypielovely Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Personally, I think that you need to remain friends with her but allow other females into your life and date around. Allow some space between you two. If she did all this in her past and never received help for her rape, she will likely have issue with that again and it will effect you in some way with your current relationship with her. Her past is her past but you can dislike it and i do understand why your now leary of everything. Id be too. The fact is... someones past does have a lot to do with who they are now and it may be an indication as to what you can expect if you marry her.
Pierre Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I am and have been struggling with an issue regarding my girlfriend's past. I started dating a friend while she was involved in a divorce with her husband. I cared deeply for her and she strongly pursued me and pushed for a relationship. I asked for her to resolve her past and wait, but she didn't and against my better judgement I got involved with her. I was exposed to her divorce and in doing so she revealed her past to me. Prior to this relationship I did not have any serious relationship or any sexual partners, a decision based not upon waiting for marriage but of finding someone that I cared about. She started sleeping with her ex-husband at 15 and was engaged at 20. After the engagement, she began sleeping with her future husband's best friend and during that time had a threesome with him and some random girl. She slept with him (the best man) weeks before the wedding, and it sporadically continued for the majority of their marriage. On multiple occasions she left her bed and husband to hook up with this guy. She went through a period where she was sending explitic emails and even videotaped oral sex with her husband with the intention of sending it to his friend (at his request). She eventually put an end to the affair and left her husband a few years later (I did not know her until the very end of this period). She also revealed to me that she was raped her first semester in college and this contributed to her actions a year or two later. Also, this guy was very perssistent with trying to hook up with her (some friend). I have been struggling with this information for almost two years and it has put a lot of stress into my life. I try to understand her perspective, but I just can't. These situations have been on my mind a lot and we have talked about it quite frequently, and it is a strain on the relationship. I want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how. Its worth noting that she has tried her best to be a wonderful girlfriend to me and tells me I'm the love of her life. I have real difficultly with the fact that she did these things with this guy in the context that it happened and really feel as though sex has been devalued. I also struggle with the fact that she got married in the midst of this infidelity. I realized that, although I never made certain choices, that going into any relationship someone would likely have a past, but I feel like the situations that she was in really go against what I believe and I have difficulty see how I can find the significance in this relationship because of this. I've read a lot of message boards about similar issues (nothing quite like this), and I still haven't found something that help start me on a path to finding resolution. As much as I love her, I think that maybe it may be best to be friends and "live" a little more to gain personal perspective and if we can work in the future so be it. If anyone has any input, I'd greatly appreciate it. I would also appreciate it if the advice is constructive, so don't bother telling me I should just forget about these things because it doesn't work like that (I would do that if I could). Thanks for your help. There is a very old saying that holds true most of the time: ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. It would be suicidal for you to consider this woman for a serious relationship. After the afterglow is over she will cheat on you. She is waving the red flag in your face and you must pay attention. Since you were a virgin you are probably mesmerized by her charm, but deep inside SHE IS NOT A GOOD WOMAN. Since you are a nice guy I doubt that you could simply f****k her without becoming emotionally attached. Therefore, you must stop seeing this woman; she is very bad news. Quite often these woman establish relationships with nice men like you because it makes things easy for her. Realize that you must judge her by her prior actions and not her words. She will do to you what she did to her husband.
somethingsimple Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't agree with the previous poster, you have every right to question the values of your girlfriend - I think this is what the issue is, not her past with other men. Her marriage and the way she treated her husband (I'm assuming he wasn't aware of anything that was going on) sounds extremely shameful, I would not really want anything to do with someone who thought this can be justified. I understand she was abused and she met her husband when she was extremely young, she ended up in this affair while still extremely young but her age and the abuse only excuses her to a degree. You sound like a decent man, I think pershaps you should find someone who values other human beings the same way as you do. That's what I would do personally. I'm not condoning any of the things she has done, they're wrong without a doubt. Yeah, I agree her values should be in question or at least pose a red flag. However, she has told him this information or regardless its known. And it's been almost 2 years! She had to put up with the insecurity for 2 years, because you can't get over something she has done not to you, but over 2 years ago?!?! Actually, it should be more than that it's been 2 years since she told him, and a few years before everything happened. People can't change? Everyone deserves a chance to start with a clean slate in a new relationship. The past is the past. I don't understand why people get all riled up with people's dating or sexual history. It's none of your business and only people who are insecure really care. You sound like your victimizing yourself, but in reality in your relationship she's the victim. I think you guys should just break up, because your not mature enough to just drop this. Personally, I wouldn't have got in the relationship in the first place, in context, but that point is moot.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 There is a very old saying that holds true most of the time: ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. It would be suicidal for you to consider this woman for a serious relationship. After the afterglow is over she will cheat on you. She is waving the red flag in your face and you must pay attention. Since you were a virgin you are probably mesmerized by her charm, but deep inside SHE IS NOT A GOOD WOMAN. Since you are a nice guy I doubt that you could simply f****k her without becoming emotionally attached. Therefore, you must stop seeing this woman; she is very bad news. Quite often these woman establish relationships with nice men like you because it makes things easy for her. Realize that you must judge her by her prior actions and not her words. She will do to you what she did to her husband. I'm going to agree and disagree here... Noone is a prisoner of their past. People CAN change. However, it takes a great deal of will, persistence, and responsibility to do so. Most people can't or won't make the effort though, and simply move from crutch to crutch... whether it is booze, drugs, sex... or yes... work. It sounds like she has a number of issues that have her trying to solve her problems through sex. We can agree that this is not something the OP can fix. I think she needs a friend... but that's it. She has trusted him with these secrets. It sounds like she (maybe) has made the first step in getting some help. He could encourage her to find a good therapist...
Pierre Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I'm going to agree and disagree here... Noone is a prisoner of their past. People CAN change. However, it takes a great deal of will, persistence, and responsibility to do so. Most people can't or won't make the effort though, and simply move from crutch to crutch... whether it is booze, drugs, sex... or yes... work. It sounds like she has a number of issues that have her trying to solve her problems through sex. We can agree that this is not something the OP can fix. I think she needs a friend... but that's it. She has trusted him with these secrets. It sounds like she (maybe) has made the first step in getting some help. He could encourage her to find a good therapist... At most some folks modify their behavior, but the core remains the same and can come back at any time. This woman is a very high risk to any man that dates her.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 At most some folks modify their behavior, but the core remains the same and can come back at any time. This woman is a very high risk to any man that dates her. I agree. She is a risk. I've considered dating men with a checkered past.... because I've seen the outcome of those who HAVE made the effort. They can be incredibly wise, courageous, and empathetic. Those are a rare gem indeed. I agree that almost none cross that bridge though, and it takes many years. As long as it took for that 'core' to develop... it will take that much and maybe longer to really change. One of my best male friends is one of those people. So is my father, I'm proud to say. Someone who overcame great adversity and very bad choices in their youth to become an amazing person. Still... knowing these things... they would have their work cut out for them. Yes. I still think she deserves some credit for telling him. She at least deserves some semblance of friendship... at least long enough to get her the help she needs.
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) Let me introduce you to a term called Retroactive Jeaslousy. I was also introduced to it here on Love Shack. You might google and read up on it. For those that don't suffer from it ... they don't get it. For those of us that do... it's a crazy almost unbearable burden. It is true it is about us and our insecurities. etc etc. It's not logical. Because logically we all know that what happened before we came along doesn't matter. It's over. etc etc. But in our heads it doesn't quite process that way. For some people sex is open to whenever, whoever, whatever.... any and everything is all good. For others of us... we have lines that we can't fathom crossing. And we often hook up with partners and fall in love and find out later they crossed those lines with ease and didn't think twice about it. Then we become obsessed with how could they? why did they? how can u live with yourself now? In my relationship, everything that happened with my SO happened over 20 yrs ago. I never asked. I knew neither of us were virgins and I have a sorted past of my own. But I leave mine there in the past why talk about it. It doesn't matter. He on the other hand still brags like a frat boy proud of his badge. At first his bragging didn't bother me over time it built up. Then he crossed the line. Now I'm almost nuts. We have been together over a 1 1/2 and I snap. I don't want to lose all the good we have but I can't figure out why he's still living in his glory days of 20 yrs ago and brings it up so often. Of course he doesn't anymore. Cause he knows he's upset me.... but I'm now left with the knowledge and wondering if he thought about it that ofter and brought it up that oftern is he still thinking about it and will he another 20 yrs from now. He is not that young stupid boy anymore. Not even close. The man I fell in love with isn't even capable of such things. I wish he would have left the past alone and not brought into our present and dump it on me. And no it's not as easy as it's his past it doesn't matter. He made it matter by talking about it and dwelling on it. And I'm not rational in my thinking. And he crossed lines that disturb me and I would never cross. I wish I could give you this magic potion that would help you think about this logically and not with insane obsession and irrational thinking. But I don't have one... God knows I wish I did. And want to drop it and not talk about it over and over with your SO hoping they say something that makes it all better which never happens. But here is what I've been saying to myself everyday and it seems to be helping. He is the man I met. He had all that stuff in his past from the second I fell for him. Just because I didn't know then didn't mean it hadn't happened and just because I know now doesn't make him a different person. Somedays it works... others I still spin out. Good luck and if you find a solution other then walking away let me know. I may have to walk away from mine too and that really sucks... I want to go back to not knowing. Because he is perfect for me. Neither he or I are young so I know I've kissed alot of frogs. But if this is going to be on my mind forever might be better alone. Good luck. And your not alone. but I would ask yourself.... do you think she's changed? Do you think she learned from the behavior? Do you think she will do any of this to you? Is she capable of being sexually satisfied in a monogamous relationship? Do you trust her? my answer to all those is yes, except for would he do it to me and I know without a doubt he would not... that's why I'm trying so hard to get over myself. Only you know what you feel. But if she was your first then the attachment is probably stronger then normal and you may not be thinking past that to what's real... just a thought. And yours may not be retro jealousy it may just be a question of character. Edited August 25, 2011 by April72
somethingsimple Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Let me introduce you to a term called Retroactive Jeaslousy. I was also introduced to it here on Love Shack. You might google and read up on it. For those that don't suffer from it ... they don't get it. For those of us that do... it's a crazy almost unbearable burden. It is true it is about us and our insecurities. etc etc. It's not logical. Because logically we all know that what happened before we came along doesn't matter. It's over. etc etc. But in our heads it doesn't quite process that way. For some people sex is open to whenever, whoever, whatever.... any and everything is all good. For others of us... we have lines that we can't fathom crossing. And we often hook up with partners and fall in love and find out later they crossed those lines with ease and didn't think twice about it. Then we become obsessed with how could they? why did they? how can u live with yourself now? In my relationship, everything that happened with my SO happened over 20 yrs ago. I never asked. I knew neither of us were virgins and I have a sorted past of my own. But I leave mine there in the past why talk about it. It doesn't matter. He on the other hand still brags like a frat boy proud of his badge. At first his bragging didn't bother me over time it built up. Then he crossed the line. Now I'm almost nuts. We have been together over a 1 1/2 and I snap. I don't want to lose all the good we have but I can't figure out why he's still living in his glory days of 20 yrs ago and brings it up so often. Of course he doesn't anymore. Cause he knows he's upset me.... but I'm now left with the knowledge and wondering if he thought about it that ofter and brought it up that oftern is he still thinking about it and will he another 20 yrs from now. He is not that young stupid boy anymore. Not even close. The man I fell in love with isn't even capable of such things. I wish he would have left the past alone and not brought into our present and dump it on me. And no it's not as easy as it's his past it doesn't matter. He made it matter by talking about it and dwelling on it. And I'm not rational in my thinking. And he crossed lines that disturb me and I would never cross. I wish I could give you this magic potion that would help you think about this logically and not with insane obsession and irrational thinking. But I don't have one... God knows I wish I did. And want to drop it and not talk about it over and over with your SO hoping they say something that makes it all better which never happens. But here is what I've been saying to myself everyday and it seems to be helping. He is the man I met. He had all that stuff in his past from the second I fell for him. Just because I didn't know then didn't mean it hadn't happened and just because I know now doesn't make him a different person. Somedays it works... others I still spin out. Good luck and if you find a solution other then walking away let me know. I may have to walk away from mine too and that really sucks... I want to go back to not knowing. Because he is perfect for me. Neither he or I are young so I know I've kissed alot of frogs. But if this is going to be on my mind forever might be better alone. Good luck. And your not alone. but I would ask yourself.... do you think she's changed? Do you think she learned from the behavior? Do you think she will do any of this to you? Is she capable of being sexually satisfied in a monogamous relationship? Do you trust her? my answer to all those is yes... that's why I'm trying so hard to get over myself. Only you know what you feel. But if she was your first then the attachment is probably stronger then normal and you may not be thinking past that to what's real... just a thought. And yours may not be retro jealousy it may just be a question of character. I'm speculating here a bit because I don't know what your SO is bragging about. Honestly, I use to have retroactive jealousy as it's defined, but I got over it. However, I'm sure you can think of a scenario where a female's past might get me down on the dumps. The way, I got over it? Simply it doesn't make me happy thinking about it, so I stopped. I think your headed in the right direction though, since it's not haunting you every day. Also, i wouldn't want to be judged on my past either, which in my opinion isn't to bad at all. On the other hand, I can empathize if someone felt differently. Put it this way, does it really matter if he still thinks about it? If it's a "sexual achievement", on his part let him be happy with it. I think, for us men, we don't even care about the girl, its more of the act. Immature, yes, but it is what it is.
Professor X Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Let me introduce you to a term called Retroactive Jeaslousy. I was also introduced to it here on Love Shack. You might google and read up on it. For those that don't suffer from it ... they don't get it. For those of us that do... it's a crazy almost unbearable burden. It is true it is about us and our insecurities. etc etc. It's not logical. Because logically we all know that what happened before we came along doesn't matter. It's over. etc etc. But in our heads it doesn't quite process that way. For some people sex is open to whenever, whoever, whatever.... any and everything is all good. For others of us... we have lines that we can't fathom crossing. And we often hook up with partners and fall in love and find out later they crossed those lines with ease and didn't think twice about it. Then we become obsessed with how could they? why did they? how can u live with yourself now? In my relationship, everything that happened with my SO happened over 20 yrs ago. I never asked. I knew neither of us were virgins and I have a sorted past of my own. But I leave mine there in the past why talk about it. It doesn't matter. He on the other hand still brags like a frat boy proud of his badge. At first his bragging didn't bother me over time it built up. Then he crossed the line. Now I'm almost nuts. We have been together over a 1 1/2 and I snap. I don't want to lose all the good we have but I can't figure out why he's still living in his glory days of 20 yrs ago and brings it up so often. Of course he doesn't anymore. Cause he knows he's upset me.... but I'm now left with the knowledge and wondering if he thought about it that ofter and brought it up that oftern is he still thinking about it and will he another 20 yrs from now. He is not that young stupid boy anymore. Not even close. The man I fell in love with isn't even capable of such things. I wish he would have left the past alone and not brought into our present and dump it on me. And no it's not as easy as it's his past it doesn't matter. He made it matter by talking about it and dwelling on it. And I'm not rational in my thinking. And he crossed lines that disturb me and I would never cross. I wish I could give you this magic potion that would help you think about this logically and not with insane obsession and irrational thinking. But I don't have one... God knows I wish I did. And want to drop it and not talk about it over and over with your SO hoping they say something that makes it all better which never happens. But here is what I've been saying to myself everyday and it seems to be helping. He is the man I met. He had all that stuff in his past from the second I fell for him. Just because I didn't know then didn't mean it hadn't happened and just because I know now doesn't make him a different person. Somedays it works... others I still spin out. Good luck and if you find a solution other then walking away let me know. I may have to walk away from mine too and that really sucks... I want to go back to not knowing. Because he is perfect for me. Neither he or I are young so I know I've kissed alot of frogs. But if this is going to be on my mind forever might be better alone. Good luck. And your not alone. but I would ask yourself.... do you think she's changed? Do you think she learned from the behavior? Do you think she will do any of this to you? Is she capable of being sexually satisfied in a monogamous relationship? Do you trust her? my answer to all those is yes, except for would he do it to me and I know without a doubt he would not... that's why I'm trying so hard to get over myself. Only you know what you feel. But if she was your first then the attachment is probably stronger then normal and you may not be thinking past that to what's real... just a thought. And yours may not be retro jealousy it may just be a question of character. I wouldn't quite agree to say that he suffers from Retroactive Jeaslousy unlike yourself. You - yes, you do because yo are jealous about the ex and her past actions; He - no, he's more bothered about her past in the context of its implications on the future, about the fact the she made some very bad decisions in her past. He questions her ethics and morals, you do not. I think the OP should feel worrisome to say the least; It is very likely that sooner or later he will start suspecting that she is doing to him exactly what she did to her exH.
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I wouldn't quite agree to say that he suffers from Retroactive Jeaslousy unlike yourself. You - yes, you do because yo are jealous about the ex and her past actions; He - no, he's more bothered about her past in the context of its implications on the future, about the fact the she made some very bad decisions in her past. He questions her ethics and morals, you do not. I think the OP should feel worrisome to say the least; It is very likely that sooner or later he will start suspecting that she is doing to him exactly what she did to her exH. You probably right.... I only brought it up since he said he's been struggling with it for 2 years. There might be an eliminate there to it. But your right it's totally different.
Pierre Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 She started sleeping with her ex-husband at 15 and was engaged at 20. After the engagement, she began sleeping with her future husband's best friend and during that time had a threesome with him and some random girl. She slept with him (the best man) weeks before the wedding, and it sporadically continued for the majority of their marriage. On multiple occasions she left her bed and husband to hook up with this guy. She went through a period where she was sending explitic emails and even videotaped oral sex with her husband with the intention of sending it to his friend (at his request). Dude: This woman is a psychopath. There is no other explanation for her incredibly cruel deceitful behavior. I call her a psychopath because she has no conscience. These psychopaths can be very charming and they generally elect partners that are suitable for their activities of deceit. There is no accident that you a nice virgin male ended up with this highly experienced psycho with tho conscience. You need to run for the hills as fast as possible before she causes you harm. This has nothing to do with jealousy about a prior extensive sexual past. This is all about an evil woman that will harm you sooner or later.
Professor X Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You probably right.... I only brought it up since he said he's been struggling with it for 2 years. There might be an eliminate there to it. But your right it's totally different. Love your avatar btw, Dory is such an awsome char lol
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Love your avatar btw, Dory is such an awsome char lol You would be surprised how much she suits me. I wish I was still in my own dingy world with concerns to my SO's past. I like my happy little place I live.
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Put it this way, does it really matter if he still thinks about it? If it's a "sexual achievement", on his part let him be happy with it. I think, for us men, we don't even care about the girl, its more of the act. Immature, yes, but it is what it is. Funny things is I'm upset about the act more then I am who he acted it out with. I got tired of him bragging and asked if there was anything he hadn't done that we could do together and have a first for us.... and he said no and then really unloaded about stuff he had done. I wanted a special act and was refused because of all his past acts. I could careless about the girls.... that part for me lands logically is they had been meant to be they would still be happily together.... it was all about the acts and the fact that his memories of those acts are with them. And he refuses to explore unchartered territory with me cause because he's not 20 anymore. And he loves me and I'm to good for that WTF EVER!!!! Some of what he did I have had the oppurtunity and said NO and he didn't. Some of it I wouldn't do no matter what. And it repulses me he did and is pretty proud of himself. ggggrrrr.... I'm getting angry just typing it.
somethingsimple Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Funny things is I'm upset about the act more then I am who he acted it out with. I got tired of him bragging and asked if there was anything he hadn't done that we could do together and have a first for us.... and he said no and then really unloaded about stuff he had done. I wanted a special act and was refused because of all his past acts. I could careless about the girls.... that part for me lands logically is they had been meant to be they would still be happily together.... it was all about the acts and the fact that his memories of those acts are with them. And he refuses to explore unchartered territory with me cause because he's not 20 anymore. And he loves me and I'm to good for that WTF EVER!!!! Some of what he did I have had the oppurtunity and said NO and he didn't. Some of it I wouldn't do no matter what. And it repulses me he did and is pretty proud of himself. ggggrrrr.... I'm getting angry just typing it. Don't even trip about having a first with him, cause you already know you'll be his last.
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Don't even trip about having a first with him, cause you already know you'll be his last. If I get past it and don't leave! I'm trying. It makes me feel like he was more into them since he was more open to getting out of the box with them.... but with me it's gotta be all plain and vanilla and pretty. gee thanxs. I like to kink it up to. Sorry OP didn't mean to highjack your thread. Somethingsimple... I do appreciate your input though it's given me a few things to think on.
dasein Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 This woman is a psychopath. OP ignore the "past is past" apologists and focus on the above. Would you date a murderer simply because they killed ten years ago? A drug dealer because they stopped dealing 4 years ago? Someone who made a suicide attempt a couple years back? There are certain character traits that say NO GO no matter how long ago, and poisoning a brand new marriage with instant cheating is one of those.
Professor X Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If I get past it and don't leave! I'm trying. It makes me feel like he was more into them since he was more open to getting out of the box with them.... but with me it's gotta be all plain and vanilla and pretty. gee thanxs. I like to kink it up to. Sorry OP didn't mean to highjack your thread. Somethingsimple... I do appreciate your input though it's given me a few things to think on. 1. You can always try and lead him to the kinky things you like. 2. If it matters, I can tell you from my own personal experience (I'm a guy) that the same act feels extremely differently with different partners, so while you are looking to do something "new" with him - in reality, even the vanilla sex you're having with him is new in a way. 3. Dory forgets things to fast, you don't seem to do so
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 1. 3. Dory forgets things to fast, you don't seem to do so Touche!!! ......hahahaha
April72 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I'm just tired fo initating.... I want him too. I want to satisfy something for him...... not know all those itches were scratched else where.... and because I scratch the emotional itch... that wasn't scratched back when.... then I need to be satisfied with no out of the box sex. I don't want to feel like we are great emotionally. Sex is good. But bottomline sexually I take a back seat to these others. idk.... maybe I'm foolish.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Dude: This woman is a psychopath. There is no other explanation for her incredibly cruel deceitful behavior. I call her a psychopath because she has no conscience. These psychopaths can be very charming and they generally elect partners that are suitable for their activities of deceit. There is no accident that you a nice virgin male ended up with this highly experienced psycho with tho conscience. You need to run for the hills as fast as possible before she causes you harm. This has nothing to do with jealousy about a prior extensive sexual past. This is all about an evil woman that will harm you sooner or later. Step 1 to earning a chance at his friendship (we agree that she is not a good match for him for lots of reasons) is doing something similar to the AA version of the 12 step program. She needs to go back to all of the people she harmed and attempt to make amends. If she's not willing to do that, then yes, perhaps she is a psychopath. A true psychopath would not confess. Just my personal observation. A pure psychopath would lie and continue lying.
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