Miss_G Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 So for a couple of months I've been involved in 'friendship' with a CM (girlfriend/relationship, not engaged or married). We have been out a couple of times and kissed just once (we'd had a bit to drink!). We have never been intimate. I was more or less certain that he was interested. We share mutual friends and so I have 'spies' that tell me what he has said about me and his relationship. He expressed a desire to finish with his girlfriend before we got involved which is one of the reasons why I have gone along with it. This is not something I would usually do. He recently came back from a family wedding in Mexico which he went to with the girlfriend for 3 weeks. He swore it was something he couldn't get out of without causing a lot of upset (which I can appreciate to a degree). He contacted me whilst he was there a couple of times. He returned last week and contacted me almost straight away. He also told a mutual friend that he had argued with his girlfriend all the way through the holiday and caused upset between some of the people he had gone with. We IM/text each other alot (everyday) and this was all going well. It seemed a little stilted when he first got back but soon we were back into the flirty content. He always gets mad at me for saying "if" to things and always insists I say "when" even though we have barely spoken about him splitting with his ex. It's something I want him to do himself as I feel for the other girl and do not want to force him to make his OWN decisions. So things were going well, very flirty. It got a little late and I suddenly realised that he hadn't replied. I thought perhaps he'd fallen asleep and expected a reply the next day. Nothing! He hasn't contacted me for nearly 4 days!! He has commented on him having to 'text me first' in the passed and has accused me of not being bothered about him so I'm not sure whether I'm being 'tested' or whether things have started looking up with his relationship and he's simply cut the ties! Have I entered NC without realising it?? What should I do? I don't want to message incase he is trying to break things off and I worry about damaging my pride! How can he suddenly stop messaging when hes been so over keen?!?!?!
stressed7 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Reading from the various threads and also my experience, I guess this is how they always end it - the silent treatment. In your case there might be some other reasons, phone not available, etc, though chances of NC looks more probable. If your apprehension is true then it becomes another case of insensitivity, not even having the courtesy to end it properly.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 So for a couple of months I've been involved in 'friendship' with a CM It's only been a couple of months and you're way too emotionally attached to him, knowing full well he has a girlfriend. Sure, he can tell you over and over again that their relationship is over but his actions certainly are showing you it isn't over. Until they actually DO break up and you know this with proof, back off and stop flirting and texting with him. What is the point of allowing yourself to be in his life when all he's giving you is table scraps? Please, really think beyond the "now" and see this guy for who he is. Also, I do have to mention, it seems slightly odd that you have mutual friends that spy on him and report back to you with details of their relationship. He is playing a bit of a game with you, not malciously but selfishly and you're taking the bait. Just walk away and focus on yourself, other friends (not mutual friends) and detach from him. NO good can come of this if you stick around.
spice4life Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) The same thing kind of happen to me with the last round of NC. I ended it and was very nice and explained why and he broke NC. I caved after the second time he contacted me but reiterated why I couldn't be involved with him. There was communication back and forth for a few days, some heavy discussion and some light banter, and then he dropped off the face of the earth for four days. It once again reminded me how low a priority I was/am for him and finally said, "That's it! I'm done for good." I don't want or need this kind of treatment in my life anymore so I have NOT responded to his texts since then. In my case, I went back to NC without an explanation this time. There was no need for one because I explained it all before - I was very clear about where I stood. My reasoning to go back to NC was not passive agressive at all. I shouldn't have caved in the first place and then he went ahead and pulled a disappearing act, which in my mind was extremely passive agressive, so that was it. I'm not available to be treated like a second class citizen anymore simply because he is M and is committed elsewhere. I don't have to accept those terms and made it clear that I wasn't willing to. The thing is, these little disappearing acts are designed to train you to accept less from them and you have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice yourself to do so. I'm not anymore. I am not going to allow myself to be trained in that way - no way! Why do I have to accept those terms just because he wants his cake and eat it too? Sorry for the rant. I probably veered way off topic, but this was my last NC experience and now I plan on sticking to NC for good. I will not allow myself to be trained or treated that way anymore. Edited August 25, 2011 by spice4life
Citizen Erased Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Maybe his girlfriend found out. It's amazing how many people that are supposedly about to leave their SO do so much to keep them when their cheating is found out.
MissBee Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Don't know if you've heard of that Baggage Reclaim site. If not google it and read. Very enlightening. Pay special attention to the articles for "The Reset Button" and the ones about disappearing. It's narcissistic passive/aggressive behavior that serves no purpose other that to make you want him more and tangle you more in his web of crap. My advice: continue NC (regardless of how it started). Anyone you have to research his behavior on baggage reclaim...not worth your thoughts or time. Good Luck! LinD I concur. It can really do your head in when you don't know the truth about what's really going on. You wonder how this person can come on so hot and heavy and seem so interested and even be the one pushing things (like in Miss_G's case where he is the one saying she should say when and not if, and all these things that promise a future) yet disappear or start blowing cold and the dance continues..... I empathize Miss_G, especially with wanting to know if you're being ignored or not and not wanting to contact this person, in case they're ignoring you, so as not to hurt your pride. I have gone through that a lot! I have no problem reaching out first and giving the person an opportunity to respond...so call him (don't text as to me that causes more anxiety as you wait for a reply, sometimes texts don't get sent etc), if he doesn't answer then leave him be. You can even leave a casual voicemail to say you're checking on him. But after that, the truth is that he doesn't care enough or something shady is going on. Be wary of him ignoring you and then coming back with some terrible excuse that you KNOW makes no sense.... I'd say you should reach out, it won't hurt your pride, at least you'll know the truth and be able to move on. Hurting your pride would be to constantly call/text when he doesn't answer or has told you to go away but reaching out once is enough, after wards the ball is in his court.
MissBee Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 The same thing kind of happen to me with the last round of NC. I ended it and was very nice and explained why and he broke NC. I caved after the second time he contacted me but reiterated why I couldn't be involved with him. There was communication back and forth for a few days, some heavy discussion and some light banter, and then he dropped off the face of the earth for four days. It once again reminded me how low a priority I was/am for him and finally said, "That's it! I'm done for good." I don't want or need this kind of treatment in my life anymore so I have NOT responded to his texts since then. In my case, I went back to NC without an explanation this time. There was no need for one because I explained it all before - I was very clear about where I stood. My reasoning to go back to NC was not passive agressive at all. I shouldn't have caved in the first place and then he went ahead and pulled a disappearing act, which in my mind was extremely passive agressive, so that was it. I'm not available to be treated like a second class citizen anymore simply because he is M and is committed elsewhere. I don't have to accept those terms and made it clear that I wasn't willing to. The thing is, these little disappearing acts are designed to train you to accept less from them and you have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice yourself to do so. I'm not anymore. I am not going to allow myself to be trained in that way - no way! Why do I have to accept those terms just because he wants his cake and eat it too? Sorry for the rant. I probably veered way off topic, but this was my last NC experience and now I plan on sticking to NC for good. I will not allow myself to be trained or treated that way anymore. *Applause* I very much resonate and agree with your stance! You are spot on!
fooled once Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 It's only been a couple of months and you're way too emotionally attached to him, knowing full well he has a girlfriend. Sure, he can tell you over and over again that their relationship is over but his actions certainly are showing you it isn't over. Until they actually DO break up and you know this with proof, back off and stop flirting and texting with him. What is the point of allowing yourself to be in his life when all he's giving you is table scraps? Please, really think beyond the "now" and see this guy for who he is. Also, I do have to mention, it seems slightly odd that you have mutual friends that spy on him and report back to you with details of their relationship. He is playing a bit of a game with you, not malciously but selfishly and you're taking the bait. Just walk away and focus on yourself, other friends (not mutual friends) and detach from him. NO good can come of this if you stick around. I agree ......
Author Miss_G Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 So this guy finally contacted me a week later apologising for his absence saying he'd been really busy at work. I don't believe this obviously. I do believe that he was hoping I would contact him and therefore I would be doing the 'chasing', as he is the CM, but I am not getting lowered into that game. We met up last night for a chat. Nothing happened (no kissing, cuddling...I don't even think he touched me!) as I told him that this couldn't go on. Although not much has happened between us I don't want him to think this is 'ok' to have both. He told me that it was over with his girlfriend and that he wanted to finish with her but didn't know how to go about it. He said the 'wheels were in motion' though (his exact words). These mutual friends of ours have told me that he is not speaking to her, the odd texts and avoiding seeing her. I think this is a little cruel but as I say, nothing to do with me. What has concerned me is that he's suddenly come out with 'I don't want to get into another commitment straight after finishing'. He said that he wanted to keep seeing me and 'see how things go'. I can't help but think he's going to get a friend's with benefits out of me (which he won't) whilst he can play the field. I, too, cannot handle a full-blown relationship at the moment as I am extremely busy at work, childcare and still quite raw from my previous relationship (it ended a year ago but left me badly scarred!). I can't help but feel a little like, if things were to end, he's just hoping to get himself a 'sleep' partner. I can also appreciate that he doesn't want to be seen jumping from one to another. Either way I feel quite angry about it, especially as he behaves like he WANTS a relationship. Am I over-reacting??
Woman In Blue Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) So this guy finally contacted me a week later apologising for his absence saying he'd been really busy at work. I don't believe this obviously. I do believe that he was hoping I would contact him and therefore I would be doing the 'chasing', as he is the CM, but I am not getting lowered into that game. But you DID allow yourself to be 'lowered into the game.' You still ran out to see him the minute he called you, so you've now set a precedent. I guess if you're fine being completely disrespected and treated like a non-entity, then it's all good. I don't see it so much as a 'game' to see if you'd contact him, but more the fact that you're clearly NOT a priority and life got in the way of your 'friendship.' Possibly, his girlfriend found your texts or maybe almost found them, and he had to lay low for a while. Perhaps, he just wasn't feeling the 'thrill' from your friendship and it became a low priority in his life. In either event, I think you made a statement about yourself by meeting up with him after he treated you with such disrespect. Your statement was, "ignore me, disrespect me, treat me as a non-entity and a non-priority in your life, and I'll STILL come running when you ask me to." Not such a good image to convey. Edited August 31, 2011 by Woman In Blue
Beachgirl8 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 He is treating his current gf badly and is being "cruel" to her in your words. If you get together with him you are basically signing up for that same treatment. If he was your bf you can expect him to eventually be seeing another girl behind YOUR back and making your life miserable because he is a coward that can't break up with someone in an adult, humane manner. He is confused because he put himself in this position and now 2 girls are suffering.
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