dave22 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I dated my friend for a while a few months ago. She broke up with me soon after, saying she was just out of a relationship and realized she wasn't ready for another one yet. Whether that was the real reason or not, she did say several times that we had really good chemistry. And I definitely felt it, too. We have still been hanging out a lot, as we did before we dated, and I have at times hoped that I could have another chance with her sometime. But lately I have noticed that the chemistry we once had, both when we were dating and even before that seems to be mostly gone. Is it possible for that to just disappear? I had assumed that if anything, that would be something we would always have.
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 IME, it depends on the person. For some, it's like changing underwear. For others, more long-lived. I don't date men so have no perspective on them but I've had women go from apparently volcanic one day to apparently glacial the next. My hypothesis is either it was always ersatz chemistry designed to facilitate hoovering or they met the next newest and best thing. In any event, game over; move on. I'd only remain 'friends' with such a person if, and this is a big if, they demonstrably show proactive care, concern and empathy, as any sincere friend would. So far, no takers
Author dave22 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I think she still cares about me, she acts like she does, and I don't think our friendship is in question. But I used to joke with her and make her laugh all the time. But now not so much, and I think it is me. I just feel too tired to try anymore. I can see the openings are there, if I wanted to I could make her laugh like I used to, but for some reason I don't. Was I just trying too hard before? I also feel intimidated by her, she seems so much more confident than she used to. I don't know what changed.
carhill Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Be careful of the demarcation line between caring for you and letting you care for her. It's a bit blurrier than it seems. I use the benchmark of my excellent platonic female friends for such matters. These are women with whom I share mutual love and respect but not sex or romance, and for many years. The commonality they share is that they were always caring and empathetic people, right from the start. My two datapoints of my own psychology was, after many years of feeling chemistry and love, I lost that dynamic slowly, over a period of months to years, finally ending up at a 'nothing' place. This is how I was able to amicably divorce my exW. I felt nothing for/with her. Zip. Zero. Her attempts at subsequent 'friendship' fail the benchmark by miles. Calls/e-mails when she wants something. Typical hoover. Date someone else and tell your new-found friend about your positive experiences. If she's a true friend, she'll be enthusiastic and supportive and a good listener. Haven't yet met one of those either, save for the aforementioned platonic friends. They continually proactively ask how things are going with a particular lady and/or if I've met someone. One recently opined that I deserved sex (her words). Accept that her perspective has changed regarding romance and proceed to do what is in your best interest. If her 'explanation' has traction, she'll make the first move when she is 'ready'. Don't wait around for that day to come and don't be any more caring and supportive of her than she is of you. Life lesson hard won over my 52.
Tybalt Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I imagine it can go away, or be superseded by other considerations. My last boyfriend and I had very intense chemistry at first, but he dumped me abruptly saying "he wasn't feeling it" anymore. I am still a bit confused about this, since up until the end there seemed to be a lot of passion. However, I think about this situation and realize that even if this guy changed his mind and tried to reconcile with me, so much damage has been done and I no longer trust him... Thus for me, the dynamic and therefore the chemistry has already changed. This makes the reality a little easier to accept, of course. I also think back to my ex-husband and because of the things he did, I have no attraction to him or feelings of chemistry left whatsoever. For me, it has to do with what has transpired within the relationship, whether fondness or chemistry remains after the relationship ends.
Author dave22 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I also think back to my ex-husband and because of the things he did, I have no attraction to him or feelings of chemistry left whatsoever. For me, it has to do with what has transpired within the relationship, whether fondness or chemistry remains after the relationship ends. I can see where you are coming from with this, I guess in many cases chemistry is what you make of it. While it can only happen with the right person, I think you also have to take the initiative to create it. In my case, she has told me that the reason she confessed her feelings to me in the first place was that she just couldn't take it anymore and she just kept thinking about how she wanted to kiss me. Since she ended it with us, I have been a lot more conscious about this. I want to keep her interest, but I don't want to come on so strong that I drive her away or have a repeat of the last time we dated. If we ever tried again I would want her to actually be ready for something more long term. Anyways, I know I over think it sometimes, but it seems like I am still figuring out what to do.
Author dave22 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Accept that her perspective has changed regarding romance and proceed to do what is in your best interest. If her 'explanation' has traction, she'll make the first move when she is 'ready'. Don't wait around for that day to come and don't be any more caring and supportive of her than she is of you. Life lesson hard won over my 52. I agree with what you say about doing what is in my best interest and she will make the move when she is ready. But I also know her, and I know that the chemistry part is required for her to be in a relationship (and I admit it is for me, too). If it isn't fun anymore, then there isn't going to be a relationship. My main attraction to her has been that I have always enjoyed her company. As for caring and being supportive of her, she has reciprocated with me. She still will invite me over and cook for me, she will do thoughtful things for me that I know she will only do for her best friends. So that isn't a problem, so far. But I worry that if it stops being fun, our friendship may end up suffering, too.
rafallus Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Yes, it can go away, given enough time (and possibly contact with other people or keeping yourself occupied - just don't use other people as rebounds).
Recommended Posts