jk0214 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Hey everyone, I was hoping I could get some help on here. I'm having a hard time going through my break up and was wondering if anyone out there could relate. We've been together for nine and a half years. Been broken up for 2 weeks. First week, we had no contact at all. Yesterday I broke and texted her. She wanted to hang out and talk because she felt like she didn't quite leave me with much when she ended it. So I agreed. We went out for drinks. She told me she was sure she wanted to go through with the break up and experience things on her own. Possibly see other people. I don't think there is anyone in particular she actually is already seeing. She's more interested in seeing what else is out there. I told her how I felt and basically tried to convince her to give the relationship one last shot. After a while, she agreed. We ended up sleeping together at the end of the night. Where she seemed to have forgotten about the negatives and looked like she was thinking straight. Then as we were driving home (we don't live together), I sensed her distance again as she focused on everything else but me. Our goodnight felt cold and in the morning she texted me with "I know I told you one last shot, but I can't." Now, we have been dealing with issues that seem to arise over and over. Due to me dating her from when she was that young, her parents and I have never really developed a relationship that compliments us. They make comments many times that cause her to overthink scenarios in her head. She does not communicate them to me until it has snowballed into an uncontrollable urge to leave me. She'll attempt a break up (I've also been guilty trying to break up with her a few times), I'll give her space, then we'll talk it out and she's as happy as can be. She's just recently told me that she wants to travel and see the world with me (hell, she even made a tripadvisor account with both our names as if it were a team name.) She has names for our hypothetical kids. Bottomline, she made me feel as if we had some sort of future and that we were working towards it. Just as quickly, she's told me that she doesn't see me in those travels, although we have gone to the Mayan Rivieria, Banff National Park, California/Disney Vacation and a number of smaller getaways. All of which we had a blast together. She tells me she's not ready to settle down. Yet, I have never told her I even wanted to move in together yet. I've thought about marriage and proposing but am not ready to pull the trigger. I'd say the turning point in our relationship was when she decided to go into Nursing, while I pursued Business in school. Her being in nursing definitely looks like it took a toll. She doesnt seem very happy with her choice in profession and is having a self proclaimed "identity crisis." For the four years she went to school, she told me many times that I kept her grounded and that I was her rock. She gives me credit for helping her through it emotionally. Now that she is a full fledged nurse (just starting), she feels the need to only focus on work and I somehow stop that from happening. I've spoken to many people that know her about the situation. The common thing being brought up with me is that she does not know how to confront serious issues in her life. I won't get into the detailed issues they speak of, but it boils down to events that are extremely hard for her to face. Instead of talking about what she's feeling, she locks herself away and tries and deals with it on her own. Any major issues with her and I, she has always left it to me to pry out of her. With issues with her friends or family, I've always had to encourage her to speak to them before she drove herself crazy. All of which she thanks me for helping her through it. Now she wonders why she cannot do it herself and would like some space to figure that out. I tried explaining to her that sorting out problems in your head are fine if you can come up with the answers fairly easy. If not, there is no shame in seeking advice in others to help that process. She doesn't want to take that advice from me. So all-in-all (I know i'm probably missing some information that is key), I don't think she has left me for reasons that make sense to me yet. I can understand she wants space. I'm happy to give it to her if she really needs it. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it to be me and her in the end. Is this a case of "let it go and if it comes back, you know?" Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm going half-crazy and am running out of places to release/vent. I really wish I could wake up tomorrow and move on. But she's been such a HUGE part of my life. Now she's gone and I still do not really understand why.
no_love_here Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I feel for you man, my ex just did the same thing to me about 3 months ago. She kept bugging about moving in together and I finally budge. I saved for a year and got a nice spot close to her work/school(what she always wanted) two months living together and she decides to leave. I cooked, cleaned, laundry and cater to her. I now have tons of bills and expensive but no girl. We're together for 10yrs and our relationship shadows yours almost to the t. The travel and being with other people, kids names and spending the rest of our lives together all sounds the same. Life is though, but its fair enough. We all get 24 hrs a day its up to you to decides how to spend your time. So, dont make your self go crazy just let her be and get back to loving yourself. Trust me I do miss her, but I miss caring for myself more. Good luck.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Is this a case of "let it go and if it comes back, you know?" If you were the dumpee then YES it is one of those cases. she dumped you so she should be the one to win over your heart, not you win hers. Go full on NC and focus on healing. If she comes back you can deal with that then, if not, you will already be healing. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm going half-crazy and am running out of places to release/vent. I really wish I could wake up tomorrow and move on. But she's been such a HUGE part of my life. Now she's gone and I still do not really understand why. I can relate to that line, I was with my ex for 3.5 years and I got dumped without a solid answer. I got a lot of lines like "I'm indifferent towards you" followed by her telling me she loves me. And I got a long strewed out "it's not you, it's me" line. I'm about 5 months out of my breakup and I still don't have a solid reason for her ending things. BUT I've come to the conclusion that I do not want her back and I probably don't want to know her reasoning... if she even has a good reason at all. Sometimes you are better off not knowing, this experience will make you a much stronger person.
wilsonx Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I've spoken to many people that know her about the situation. The common thing being brought up with me is that she does not know how to confront serious issues in her life. I won't get into the detailed issues they speak of, but it boils down to events that are extremely hard for her to face. Instead of talking about what she's feeling, she locks herself away and tries and deals with it on her own. Any major issues with her and I, she has always left it to me to pry out of her. With issues with her friends or family, I've always had to encourage her to speak to them before she drove herself crazy. All of which she thanks me for helping her through it. Now she wonders why she cannot do it herself and would like some space to figure that out. I tried explaining to her that sorting out problems in your head are fine if you can come up with the answers fairly easy. If not, there is no shame in seeking advice in others to help that process. She doesn't want to take that advice from me. You should really look into the thread in my signature "Grass is greener on the other side syndrome" What I bolded is a key point in me determining that your ex fits into this criteria, she is emotionally immature. Actually I would love more information before I tell you why she seems so distant from her parents and why I tell you why you are extremely lucky to not be married to her and have kids right now in your life. You are not going to agree with me now but you dodged a huge bullet. I have a huge guess that fits into a lot of the criteria based on experience of the last 2 relationships I went through and some of my friends' ex's went through. It's something that you would never suspect but you probably wont deny it after type from separating from her mentally. If you would please post what you did not want to post about her dealings with her parents.
Author jk0214 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 You should really look into the thread in my signature "Grass is greener on the other side syndrome" What I bolded is a key point in me determining that your ex fits into this criteria, she is emotionally immature. Actually I would love more information before I tell you why she seems so distant from her parents and why I tell you why you are extremely lucky to not be married to her and have kids right now in your life. You are not going to agree with me now but you dodged a huge bullet. I have a huge guess that fits into a lot of the criteria based on experience of the last 2 relationships I went through and some of my friends' ex's went through. It's something that you would never suspect but you probably wont deny it after type from separating from her mentally. If you would please post what you did not want to post about her dealings with her parents. Thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate the help through this time for me. Wilsonx: wow, bang on with the G.I.G.S. When I was reading the descriptions, it fits her and this scenario almost identically. I'll do a little more reading on this subject as it did calm me down. Not sure why, but it did. Thanks very much!
Chi townD Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Yeah, total case of the G.I.G.S. and it's really gonna be hard for you to let go because, you've been together for sooo long. But, I agree. You have to go with NC. SHe broke it off with you so she needs to know what it's like not to have you in her life. After all, this was her choice not yours. Her choice was to have you out of her life. Therefore, you need to give her EXACTLY that. No texts, e-mails, phonecalls, Facebook. Nothing. Time for you to heal and move on.
danceallday Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had found this site when my ex walked out 2 years ago. He was definitely going through GIGS and other things. If I had given him the space and not pursued him it might have worked out. But 2 years later it ended like a full on nuclear explosion. Go nc and good luck.
Author jk0214 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 another question. We have a dog. She lives with her. I've grown pretty attached as you can imagine...she's been ours since she was a puppy about 6 years ago. She's a very loving dog and I'm sure I just miss the way I feel when I see her cause she's ALWAYS happy to see me. But am I suppose to forget about her too? For some reason that hurts just as bad to think I won't see her anymore. I seriously get choked up even typing this.
fetish1980 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 hey jd, i feel your pain man. I was with my ex for 8 years and were planning on marrying. we did the living together thing several times too. We broke up in february this year and i was an emotional wreck. i cried, poured out my emotions, did self blame, all that. Came back to loveshack and got a lot of great support. I wish i could tell you what you're going through and what you have in front of you is going to be easy. But the main thing is to focus on yourself and imporving yourself. That's what i did during the 1st three months after my break up. I slowly started seeing my self-esteem start to improve and was feeling good about living again. Now, i recently allowed myself to slip back in to depression and thinking about my ex. If there's one piece of advice i can give you, don't do what i was doing and that was waiting for others to give you validation. I was reading and believing in the idea that the quickest way to get over your ex is to hook up with someone else. I figured it had been more than 4 months so i tried. Bad idea! But what happened was that i became too worried about what other women and people thought about me so i couldn't relax. I found myself starting to look desperate and i think people could sense that. When i didn't get that validation from them, i started missing and remembering the person who i remember getting validation from for the last 8 years. That's when my recent relapse started. Get it on your own, your life, and your being. Yes, you will hurt, cry, do whatever. It's important to stay busy and focused on activities that will improve your mind, body, and soul. I read alot of self help book topics like "Self esteem, "letting go", and "living above your circumstances". When you feel a little better, take up a hobby or improve one you already have. If you always wanted to learn guitar, learn guitar. 9 1/2 years is a long time and a lot to let go of. So take this time to grieve and cry over her. You're only 2 weeks in, so it will take time. fetish
wilsonx Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 another question. We have a dog. She lives with her. I've grown pretty attached as you can imagine...she's been ours since she was a puppy about 6 years ago. She's a very loving dog and I'm sure I just miss the way I feel when I see her cause she's ALWAYS happy to see me. But am I suppose to forget about her too? For some reason that hurts just as bad to think I won't see her anymore. I seriously get choked up even typing this. I am probably going to be shot for this post but here we go. EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS EXS THAT GIGSed THEM HAD A DOG. My ex had a dog. I remember homebrew stating his ex had a dog. He wrote "she told me that I lived in my own little world but damn do i miss her dog". That being said, I know its hard but let the dog go too. Buy a new dog, one that you wanted and she wouldn't allow. Also, for future relationships, stay away from girls that do this The common thing being brought up with me is that she does not know how to confront serious issues in her life. I won't get into the detailed issues they speak of, but it boils down to events that are extremely hard for her to face. Instead of talking about what she's feeling, she locks herself away and tries and deals with it on her own This is extremely unhealthy and is a sign of people that just run away whenever there is a problem in their life.
Author jk0214 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I am probably going to be shot for this post but here we go. EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS EXS THAT GIGSed THEM HAD A DOG. My ex had a dog. I remember homebrew stating his ex had a dog. He wrote "she told me that I lived in my own little world but damn do i miss her dog". That being said, I know its hard but let the dog go too. Buy a new dog, one that you wanted and she wouldn't allow. Also, for future relationships, stay away from girls that do this This is extremely unhealthy and is a sign of people that just run away whenever there is a problem in their life. So there is no hope for her? Like she will always be like that? I know it's still fresh so I'm not exactly thinking straight, but Won't she eventually learn to deal? Isn't this why she needed the space? So she can learn to deal with her emotions properly? I have another questions too. After sleeping with her the other night. I remember her saying "what does this mean?" I figured us sleeping together was a temporary comfort thing so I did not look too into it. Now that I think of it, it spoke to her differently. Thoughts?
wilsonx Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 JK - I want to know her family life. How was her mother, how was her father. Who didn't she get along with. Also, DONT SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN. Its going to **** you up mentally. As for her always swallowing her bad situations in life, I will answer that as soon as you tell me her family history. It doesnt have to be detailed. I am just curious.
Author jk0214 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Her relationship with her parents are all over the place. Rewinding back to our early years, she had a defiance problem. I wasn't something her parents wanted for her at the time. They were old fashioned and really wanted her to focus on school before getting involved with anyone. I respected that and tried to be as subtle as I could while courting her. Through the years we developed a better relationship. Or maybe the word is a tolerant one. Over for dinner. Small chit-chat. Her mom is very outspoken and opinionated. She speaks with a lot of passion and a very dominant, strong willed person. My ex feels that her mom's relationship was favoured towards her sister more than her. So naturally, she looked to her father for that parent-child relationship. He isn't very expressive. He actually is very similar to her in that he would rather not face a situation (not to the extent that my ex has). She values their opinion (extremely) but will never admit it. She is actually very easily influenced. She knows this, but again will not do anything about. Just like anything time will allow he feelings to subside and that is what she focuses on. That being said. I'm not just another small problem. We've been great over the years. Just recently we were planning on hitting the map for a 6 month trip all over the world. This was going to take some extreme planning so we had already talked about it. Bought travel books. Researched places online (ie. contiki). She has always considered travel as her 'thing.' At the same time she has always referred to me as her travel partner. That she can't imagine seeing the world without me to experience it with her. She also has had an opportunity to visit places without me. In turn, she comes back and says " I wish you were there. You would have loved this." Sorry - got sidetracked there. Ultimately, I've spoken to her parents since the break up and have asked to clear the air on their feelings towards me. They seem to be in shock (she hasn't made our break-up public yet). They told me that they love the influence I've been on her over the years and already accept me as part of their family. This got a little emotional, as they have been there for me these last years too. They insist this is just something she is going through, but I am not naive enough to believe that. I hope that answers somewhat the relationship between her and said parents. I'm glad to answer any particular questions as well. I will do anything that this point to ease my thoughts.
Author jk0214 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 So after talking to her friend. I've come to the knowledge that her trip to vegas this past summer had a questionable night where she disappeared with some guy drinking all night. Apparently they were not told if anything happened or not. I called her out on it and she cant even admit she went out with a guy out there. This just keeps getting better.
Nevremya Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I had a similar situation to yours; we dated for 8 years and started dating when we were young. We recently broke up and although it was his idea I felt he did it because I was so unhappy. I am not exactly like the girl you are describing but I also tend to bottle things up and try to deal with things on my own. I realized I was not happy in my relationship about 2 years ago but I could not talk to him about it because I did not want to hurt him. We've been together for so long by that time that I could not imagine my life without him. I also could not talk to my parents about it because they would have tried to 'give me advice' and push me to follow it. I did try to talk to him and get some 'time off' to figure things out on my own but that never worked. The bottom line is...we've been together for so long I felt like I was being backed into a corner and I was confused if I was unhappy because of my relationship or the rest of my life (career, etc). Maybe that's the problem your girl is having...when you are together for so long it's very hard to separate relationship from everything else (it all sort of blends into one huge thing). Given that night she could either (a) realize she can be happy without the relationship (sorry if this is too blunt) and (b) she feels bad about what happened and doesn't think she deserves/can be with you after that. Either way the best thing would be to let her sort her feelings out on her own. I would have left my ex earlier (making both of us happier) and not stuck around for 8 years if he would have given me time to figure it out instead of pushing me back into the relationship. You shouldn't rush her until she is sure she wants you or those doubts will never go away.
wilsonx Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 (edited) I would have left my ex earlier (making both of us happier) and not stuck around for 8 years if he would have given me time to figure it out instead of pushing me back into the relationship. Actually this is your fault not your ex's thats why I do not buy whatever story you are telling here. You are responsible for your own happiness. You bottled everything up and when you do stuff like that, it leads to depression to the point where you do not know the actual cause of your unhappiness. The relationship was not the cause of you being unhappy. You are playing the victim card here and put the fault on your ex. Pure emotional immaturity. My ex tried saying this same **** to me when she broke up with me the second time. She moved out, slept at her friends place and a week later moved back into my place and then blamed me for putting pressure on her to move back in when I asked her if she was sure to give this another try. I asked her at least 20 times that week and she continued to say yes. Edited August 28, 2011 by wilsonx
Nevremya Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 First of all I am not saying it's his fault (and also not trying to sell a story; just a different perspective). I am just giving highlights of what happened. I realize it should have been my decision, but the problem was I wasn't sure and I was scared to make a mistake given that it's been so long. He couldn't even give me 1 week of a break and when you care about the person as much as I did it's impossible to be the one making them miserable (esp. if you are not sure what you want). The point is sometimes time apart is good if one person needs to figure things out.
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