Tryng2FindBalance Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 So, my story... Together 17 yrs, married 13. Three children total, the 2 younger ones are ours. The older child is from his first marriage. To say we were (are?) best friends is so cliche, but as different as we are, we are connected so deeply. He basically rescued me from a life of partying way too hard in my early 20's. I was losing myself, 3 years in "the fast lane". He was in the process of an ugly divorce. He was there while I cleaned myself up and got on w/my life, got my degree, etc. We married, had 2 beautiful children...and now looking back, I can see where it started to go wrong.... We bought a house we couldn't afford. He didn't want to buy a house - I made decisions so fast his head was spinning...but he wanted to make me happy. We ran a few businesses from home. My promise was that I'd work very hard, doing my part of the business, to keep up the new mortgage. I also worked part-time away from home. I tried to do it all... work P/T, volunteer at the kids' school and help with his business. I couldn't do it all -- or I guess I just got lazy & stopped trying. He was a workaholic & I wanted there to be time for family. But the pressure of most of the money all fell on him. He'd send us off & stay home to make money. I know he was doing it because he had to, but I wanted balance of work and pleasure. And he'd tell me that he didn't like the places we'd go & that we couldn't afford it anyways. I didn't need expensive trips, I just wanted us to take a day off & be together as a family. He's happy playing with them in the family room for the rest of his life. As his older child got older, and attitudes started to come out of the teenager, tension was building there too...I stepped up more as the rule maker, setting limits, etc. Trying to set boundaries. He didn't discipline. This caused conflict with me and my step-child. It took it's toll on us all (but today his older child & I are closer than ever & love each other with all our hearts). But during the same time the 20-yr-old step-child was moving out, my mom was dx with terminal cancer. She was my very best friend. My husband & Mom loved one another.... And when he'd refuse to go on trips with me, he always paid for my mom, the kids & I to go. (He came from a very rough, poor, immigrant childhood & shows his love with money.... He is generous -- often TOO generous. He gives away things, cars, money, etc. to anyone when he can.) Back to the point here, once my mom was going through treatment I gave up everything to be with her. Our marriage was becoming more of a best friend / roommate situation, but we were so busy & stressed that we just let it slip away. I pushed him away and he started pulling away. What baffles me is that we remained good friends. I still cried on his shoulder every night... And he cried with me. And then I'd go sleep in a different room.... Mom passed away in 2009 and my depression and grieving took over. Also, on top of all this....with stress came weight gain on my part. He always said he didn't care -- I never believed him. I hated myself, and therefore KNEW he couldn't stand the site of me...hence the pushing away & sleeping apart for years. He stopped trying to be close to me. In 2010 we realized we couldn't afford our house & put it up for sale. This has made him feel like a failure. We had a relative's house ready to move in to, but it needed work. And he put all his savings in to it to get it ready for us once our house sold. We had some legal problems with our business this year that put a ton of stress on him...and us. I blamed him for risks he had taken. And then, one night 4 months ago we had a stupid fight.... During the fight he just looked at me and said, "I'm done. I'm done with this marriage. I don't hate you. I could never hate you.... but I don't love you anymore, not like that. I want out." We continued living together for 2 weeks and I kept asking him if he still wanted out... he said yes. I became clingy, insecure and a mess. He was getting more and more irritated with me & just seemed like he couldn't stand the site of me. I was so confused because he'd be nice to me when we'd get home, but then would look right through me. I tried to be sweet, hugging him, cuddling with him in front of the TV. He didn't push away... but there was no response. He was just being polite. I was feeling and acting desperate. I finally decided to move into the relative's house with the kids. It's only a few blocks away so the kids go back & forth daily. I miss my house now, miss my old life. He still hangs with our neighbors (because our kids are all so close). I even thought he might be cheating or falling for a neighbor when he hired her to help him at a trade show & when he's cared for her kids (something WE used to do ALL THE TIME so this was nothing new). Now looking back, I feel like an idiot. Was not one of my finest moments. There was never anything going on. He was just trying to keep life as normal over there as possible, with or without me. He was not falling for her, nor her him. She's confirmed it & apologized for ever making me feel insecure (she did nothing wrong but it was nice of her to acknowledge my pain). He got sick of trying to convince me & we had some nasty fights at the beginning. But I came around & realized that he's not cheating - with her or anyone else. He's just depressed and almost going through a mid-life crisis because of the stress we've been under. Thankfully we've all gone back to normal -- where we're all exchanging kids & such (myself included). The past 4 months have been so hard because I've gone through so many twisted emotions. The lonliness is killing me. I've lost weight & feel better about myself but I hate being alone. I used to CRAVE it when we were together. But I do find myself going through ups & downs...some days just sitting on the couch all day watching TV, crying in the shower, etc. =) It's getting easier, but I still hate waking up. As for us, we've had long talks about us (although he has said he doesn't want to talk about "us" anymore... that he needs a break from it). However, each time we have talked about us, we've become more open, peeling back the layers of what went wrong. I've started so many fights because of my insane jealousy lately. I've lost my footing in life.... But I'm getting my self-esteem back -- and he's become more understanding about what a blow this has been to me. We've been honest about when our resentment started and why. I see how he needed more help -- he sees how the kids needed him to participate. Now, what does he do with the kids when he has them? Takes them every where....bike riding, the park, shopping together, movies, etc. NOW he does it all. Which I love for them, but I'm so sad he didn't do it with us. So we talk daily and are actually running our business together quite well. Even though the economy is crap, he sees me stepping up & handling my part of the business like I used to. But when we're together, I look at him for a HINT of love coming back.... and I see nothing. He said he wanted a "temporary separation". He's told his family that no one is talking about divorce, that he/we just need a break. Space. But wouldn't I see SOMETHING in him by now if he was still in love with me? A look, flirting, something. I'm rambling now. Some friends say I blame myself too much -- and they remind me of the years that I couldn't get him to take 2 hours out of his day to leave the house to go see a movie with me. He won't go to parties with me, rarely went with me to family functions (dinner at relatives' homes, etc.), wouldn't go out & grab a bite to eat with the kids and I, wouldn't go to school functions for the kids, and if he did go, he complained about it all. I grew so tired of his negativity about how he didn't like this or that. I used to tell him, it's not about YOU or ME, it's for the kids!!!! Although sometimes I wanted him to do things just because it would make me happy. So, there's my story -- Thanks for reading if you've read all the way to here.
Mauschen Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You know, a lot of people come to this site swearing their husband/wife is not cheating, but then they find out the opposite is true. You husband is not likely to admit it to you, and if the woman you're speaking of is married, she isn't going to admit it either. There isn't any reason to talk to him about it though because you're not going to get the truth that way. All of that said, I am glad you've lost some weight. I recommend working out, making yourself look as attractive as possible (the way you dress, do your hair, etc). This will help you feel better. And go do things you like to do (even if you don't feel like it right now). As you've already noticed, begging, pleading, and being needy doesn't work. It makes you more unattractive to your spouse. But if you appear confident, happy, and attractive, that's a good start. I also recommend not asking your husband about his personal life or telling him about yours - that makes it seem like you're moving on, which might get him curious about what you're up to. I am sorry you're so lonely. It isn't easy, I've been there. But you will survive.
Author Tryng2FindBalance Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I know that in many or most cases here, there is infidelity. However, I believe it's not the case in every single situation. I'm 99% sure there's no one else. (The 1% is because we never know EVERYTHING, right?) I snooped for the 1st few months and found nothing. I know where he is 23 hours a day at least....and many of the days he has the kids & is doing things with them. There are other things going on in his life/our lives that I don't want to post about here, that leave no room or energy for a 3rd party. I was being insecure - and sadly my insecurities are what's pushed him more away. But I have reminded him that I'm not perfect and going through this rejection, loss of a marriage is taking a toll on me - so some of my insecurity is to be expected. That being said, I just really think it might be over.... I think what he's going through is too much. I can't save us and him all by myself. His depression, anger, feeling of failure - mid life crisis if you want to call it that, is too much. I tell him he's going to be sorry if he doesn't give us a chance.... not as a threat, but because when all the dust settles he's going to forgive me, himself... see things clearly and if he waits too long, I might not be here. He said he knows that he might lose me... but that he'll always care about me and wish me nothing but happiness. It's just so hard to let go of the hope when you know there's still so much love there.... It raises the question, "Is love enough to save a marriage?"
robf1971 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 . His depression, anger, feeling of failure - mid life crisis if you want to call it that, is too much. ?" Nope he's just being a big baby.
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