shawn923 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Pretty much the title says it all... I was once very brokenhearted, and I have been dating again and actually WANT to move on and find love. Although in my mind, I know i have not forgiven my ex for the things she did. She treated me badly and left on bad terms, so therefore i really never have forgiven her for hurting me. I wanna know, will THIS prevent me from finding new love? Because sometimes ppl dont WANT or NEED your forgiveness... so I never plan on forgiving her for what she did to me. I dont want this lingering thing to be in my head whilst im dating another though, and have it prevent me from opening up to other women. I am far from believing all women are the same, nor am i afraid of love. I want to move on... But is forgiveness needed??
ScienceGal Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Do your best to not let any bad feeling about your ex affect a relationship with a new woman. It's unfair to you, and unfair to the new woman. It's hard, as many people have emotional baggage, but being taking your time to think and being aware of your upset/pain from the ex is the first step. You can move on from your ex by finding forgiveness within yourself. She doesn't control you, or own your future so start thinking about what kind of relationship you would like to have. What qualities should the new woman have? What are dealbreakers for you? As soon as you know what you want and are open to it, you will be more likely to find it. There is a better match out there for you, believe it!
Bito Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) I am in the same spot actually and have been wondering the same thing. My ex and I ended on bad terms and I still harbor ill feelings against her for what she did to me. All the lies and cheating. I want her to see me sometime in the future when I will be successful. I want her to regret what she did. I want her to go through the agonizing pain that I endured. I want her to suffer so damn much... Im sure thinking like this is normal considering it still has only been 3 almost 4 months. Im sure a couple years down the road, I will look back and just feel sorry for her, who knows... Edited August 25, 2011 by Bito
Nohbody Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Forgive is a word that comes with baggage. In the end it's about being ok and moving on. However you do that is up to you - and you do it for yourself, not for them. That's what we're all here for, trying to figure it out for ourselves. Forgive, Accept, whatever works.
Rorschach64 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I forgave my ex fiancee, despite her never apologizing for her cruelity that was ten times crueler than I have ever met in past relationships. I allowed myself to forgive because I was honoring the, now 'dead', person I knew, loved, and only wanted the best for during the relationship. I guess, I have found some peace in forgiving. It is hard to forget that cruelity and it probably should not be forgotten, but other people that you get involved with should not suffer for someone else's acts.
Duckduckgoose Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 You need to be able to forgive, otherwise the actions of the ex will be tinted lenses through which you see every other possible partner. You can't judge a new person based on what someone totally different did. You can't hold it against them either. Why should they suffer for the sins of someone else?
tryin to learn Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Shawn - I don't know the details of your break-up but I too was hurt by my ex, who acted childish, immature and uncaring, and later, after the breakup, downright hostile towards me. I still have moments when I am so angry about what I put up with, but it is only anger directed at me, not her, and I know if I don't find a way to forgive her, it will continue to eat me up inside and affect how I will be with anyone else I get involved with. There is wisdom, I now see, in the advice to take time off to heal from one relationship before beginning another, and I see that time now as essential for healing to the point where I can actually forgive - the point where the pain goes away and it doesn't matter anymore what happened. This does not mean I ever have to actually speak to my ex to forgive her. That is not necessary in my view. I only need to forgive her in my heart, which is basically just letting it go and accepting. My ex is who she is and there was a reason I was attracted to her. She was just doing what she's always done. I sometimes think being angry about it is like being tweaked that the sun rises in the east and not the west. There's no point - things are just that way! Wish you acceptance, and to myself as well.
betterdeal Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I've thought about this too, and you can have a loving relationship with someone and still be dealing with residual hurt from a past relationship. That you're self-aware enough and considerate enough to have raised this to the level of your consciousness is a good sign that you're prepared to not let your past injuries harm someone else. So maybe you enter into any future relationship a little more slowly than last time. You can love like you've never been hurt, whilst tending to the wound. Letting anyone you become involved with know that you are in this process will give them understanding. Whilst you're single, you also have time to reflect on the mistakes you made too. The bad things you did. And we all do something stupid, thoughtless or otherwise hurtful. And so you can learn how to not make the same mistakes again. By admitting your own imperfections and accepting the ex has imperfections and forgiving them, you are putting yourself in a position of strength. You're accepting human nature in all it's flawed glory.
Author shawn923 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Shawn - I don't know the details of your break-up but I too was hurt by my ex, who acted childish, immature and uncaring, and later, after the breakup, downright hostile towards me. I still have moments when I am so angry about what I put up with, but it is only anger directed at me, not her, and I know if I don't find a way to forgive her, it will continue to eat me up inside and affect how I will be with anyone else I get involved with. There is wisdom, I now see, in the advice to take time off to heal from one relationship before beginning another, and I see that time now as essential for healing to the point where I can actually forgive - the point where the pain goes away and it doesn't matter anymore what happened. This does not mean I ever have to actually speak to my ex to forgive her. That is not necessary in my view. I only need to forgive her in my heart, which is basically just letting it go and accepting. My ex is who she is and there was a reason I was attracted to her. She was just doing what she's always done. I sometimes think being angry about it is like being tweaked that the sun rises in the east and not the west. There's no point - things are just that way! Wish you acceptance, and to myself as well. Thats my main conflict... I dont want this situation that disturbed my past to ruin my future. But what happens if i meet my wife tomorrow? I havent forgiven my ex for the things she did... And im pretty sure a better girl will be more than enough to heal the wounds i have. At least thats what im betting on... But i truly dont know, and I dont plan on forgiving my ex for anything... She doesnt deserve anything from me anymore as far as im concerned. I've thought about this too, and you can have a loving relationship with someone and still be dealing with residual hurt from a past relationship. That you're self-aware enough and considerate enough to have raised this to the level of your consciousness is a good sign that you're prepared to not let your past injuries harm someone else. So maybe you enter into any future relationship a little more slowly than last time. You can love like you've never been hurt, whilst tending to the wound.Letting anyone you become involved with know that you are in this process will give them understanding. Whilst you're single, you also have time to reflect on the mistakes you made too. The bad things you did. And we all do something stupid, thoughtless or otherwise hurtful. And so you can learn how to not make the same mistakes again. By admitting your own imperfections and accepting the ex has imperfections and forgiving them, you are putting yourself in a position of strength. You're accepting human nature in all it's flawed glory. I agree and hope this is the real answer lol. I hope i can enter a new relationship and slowly heal my old wounds and start happiness at the same time. Except this time, i'll know the right pace to take things at like you said. I now know how to save myself from some lethal heartbreak, and how to get out of the situation before it all starts. Overall im a much better and smarter man because of this, and I want to share it with somebody else on day. I just wondering because I have been dating, and you know what they say maybe the one your looking for is right under your nose... I wonder if my attitude and personality was changed because of the hurt i was hiding inside... Thus pushing away a potential good woman.
Yellow_Duck'y Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Yes, absolutely. You cannot truly heal, without it. And, it's not just about forgiving the other person, it's also about forgiving yourself. Forgiving is so freeing, you get there in due time... Here is a great quote on forgiveness: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
WTRanger Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 9 Steps to forgiveness. http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Some highlights Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
Author shawn923 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Yes, absolutely. You cannot truly heal, without it. And, it's not just about forgiving the other person, it's also about forgiving yourself. Forgiving is so freeing, you get there in due time... Here is a great quote on forgiveness: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." I hear you. I practice forgiving her... And i feel my mind slipping into the same ol pattern, I forgive her, she texts me one day and i make the same mistake of breaking NC. I suppose i have to forgive her, but never FORGET what she did. So if she were to contact me, which is inevitable, my mind would know what this person has done to me... I could try thinking this way, but i just dont want it to lead to me backtracking and ruining NC. We've texted once since May...
Author shawn923 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 9 Steps to forgiveness. http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Some highlights Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.” Definitely, same thing i told yellow ducky. I can truly forgive her and accept that she just was a liar and wasnt at all what I was looking for, thus taking her off the pedestal. But, it seems when I did that before, she came to me and wanted to try again. Then when i forgave her for her evil ways and agreed to try again, she bailed with another guy... So im scared to forgive her because last THREE times i did she burned me... I still and will always have feelings for her, so I dont wanna fall back into the same trap if I set my mind on forgiving her. Maybe the route to true happiness is I have to set my mind on forgiving her for what she did, yet never forgetting... That will erase her evil memories and stop me from feeling bad every time i think of her, yet I will NEVER forget those sleepless nights/weeks/months... Or the v-day gift that was rejected...
Author shawn923 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 "Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." -Louis B. Smedes
Rorschach64 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) Well I guess I could say you at least get contacted by your ex but it only seems to cause more pain and confusion than anything. Anywho, you should forgive because it enables you to gain inner peace but that does not mean you have to let her back in to your life any time soon or at all! Do you really want to sit there with burning hatred for this person that will eventually consume you to the point where you know nothing else but that? Probably not. I don't know if I mentioned this or not but screw it here it goes again, if you consider taking her back even as a friend or lover again she should initate the initative and you should only peek through your window if she says "I am sorry for x, y, and z." and "I want to work on things with you to create a better relationship (friends or dating or lovers or whatever)." If she is not coming at you like that, she can piss off and you keep silent, then keep on trucking with NC. It is the safest gamble because you heal from it without the other individual hindering you from moving on and/or playing the pissing game with them. Edited August 26, 2011 by Rorschach64
WTRanger Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Definitely, same thing i told yellow ducky. I can truly forgive her and accept that she just was a liar and wasnt at all what I was looking for, thus taking her off the pedestal. But, it seems when I did that before, she came to me and wanted to try again. Then when i forgave her for her evil ways and agreed to try again, she bailed with another guy... So im scared to forgive her because last THREE times i did she burned me... I still and will always have feelings for her, so I dont wanna fall back into the same trap if I set my mind on forgiving her. Maybe the route to true happiness is I have to set my mind on forgiving her for what she did, yet never forgetting... That will erase her evil memories and stop me from feeling bad every time i think of her, yet I will NEVER forget those sleepless nights/weeks/months... Or the v-day gift that was rejected... Remember, forgiving her does not mean you actually tell her. Forgiving her simply means that you are at peace with it in your mind. All of this can happen inside of you and does not need to be let out to the world.
Yellow_Duck'y Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I hear you. I practice forgiving her... And i feel my mind slipping into the same ol pattern, I forgive her, she texts me one day and i make the same mistake of breaking NC. I suppose i have to forgive her, but never FORGET what she did. So if she were to contact me, which is inevitable, my mind would know what this person has done to me... I could try thinking this way, but i just dont want it to lead to me backtracking and ruining NC. We've texted once since May... The "forget" part and not forgetting is important because it holds the person accountable for their actions, and you accountable for your reaction. It helps when trying to discern healthy and realistic expectations versus unrealistic and non-healthy expectations. You forgive when you are ready to and when you choose to. But, you have to work through the distress in order to get to the other side. It IS attainable. "Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." -Louis B. Smedes Very nice quote.
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