citron Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 It's been several months now and I really like my girlfriend. We get on OK and spend a lot of time with each other. I can't help but compare my current relationship with my last. I went out wih my ex for six years and on the whole our relationship was good. Most importantly we just 'clicked', we got each other and we had such a laugh. She was the funniest woman I have ever met and had a brilliant sense of humour. This aspect is missing from my current relationship. There isn't the 'connection' I had with my ex. I need advice as to whether having that special connection or meeting of minds is essential in a LTR. I always wanted to end up with someone I regarded to be my soulmate but I just can't help thinking that without that connection there is just no point in continuing. My ex and I just clicked within a few hours of meeting, I am yet to click with my current gf. Will it never happen? Please help by sharing your views and/or offering advice. Cheers!
iris219 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Don’t compare your new gf to your ex. That’s not fair; they’re different people. You will “click” differently with different people. Could it be that you do click with the new gf, but in a different way than you did with the ex?
simpsonic Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 It's been several months now and I really like my girlfriend. We get on OK and spend a lot of time with each other. I can't help but compare my current relationship with my last. I went out wih my ex for six years and on the whole our relationship was good. Most importantly we just 'clicked', we got each other and we had such a laugh. She was the funniest woman I have ever met and had a brilliant sense of humour. This aspect is missing from my current relationship. There isn't the 'connection' I had with my ex. I need advice as to whether having that special connection or meeting of minds is essential in a LTR. I always wanted to end up with someone I regarded to be my soulmate but I just can't help thinking that without that connection there is just no point in continuing. My ex and I just clicked within a few hours of meeting, I am yet to click with my current gf. Will it never happen? Please help by sharing your views and/or offering advice. Cheers! How did she become your gf if you feel you guys don't click? If I don't think I click with a guy, even if I like him otherwise, I don't go past one or two dates.
make me believe Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I need advice as to whether having that special connection or meeting of minds is essential in a LTR. Totally! I think that the "click" is so important. It sounds like your girlfriend is probably "good on paper," pretty, fun, smart, etc etc, but you just don't feel the special connection that you need with her. I wouldn't settle for someone I didn't feel that connection with.
patagonia Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 and why did you and your ex end things if you 'clicked' so well?
callingyouuu Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I think the most important thing is that it needs to happen eventually for the relationship to last, but not necessarily right away. I've heard many stories of relationships where there wasn't an initial connection, but the bond between the two people grew over time, eventually leading to a very stable marriage. Oftentimes, relationships are better over the long term when they burn more slowly but consistently. That's not to necessarily say that your current relationship is one of those cases, but I wouldn't panic just yet.
Professor X Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 and why did you and your ex end things if you 'clicked' so well? Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Also, why do you compare? It's the worse thing you can ever do. Would you like it if your current GF compare your penis size to those of her previous lovers? (and don't tell me you got a big one, cause I got bigger).
sdaze Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks for all replies. My current gf and I don't really share the same sense of humour. There's no 'banter' - you know, teasing each other, sharing private jokes (we do share jokes but she thinks they're hilarious whereas they're just not funny to me) and humour in a relationship is so important to me. I think in the beginning I was blinded and thought we had clicked and now things have died down I realise we don't. I compare her to my ex coz my ex and I still meet up once in a while and we still have that connection (like I have with my friends) but the sexual attraction has gone.
sweetypielovely Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Okay well if your ex was so great why is she your "ex" now? Sounds like maybe the ex broke up with you and your not over her yet. I am seeing someone who is a bit more quiet than what I normally was attracted to... but i like the change. No two people will be alike and its not fair to keep comparing your ex with your current GF. Id accept her for who she is and what she brings to your relationship that does make you happy.
dave22 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks for all replies. My current gf and I don't really share the same sense of humour. There's no 'banter' - you know, teasing each other, sharing private jokes (we do share jokes but she thinks they're hilarious whereas they're just not funny to me) and humour in a relationship is so important to me. I think if humour in a relationship is important to you, this girl isn't the one for you. Just move on and keep looking until you do find someone that you "click" with in this way.
zengirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 For me to be in a relationship with someone, I must click with them, yes, but to me "click" just means get along with and really adore spending time with the person to the degree where intimacy (emotional as well as physical) seems natural and intellectual conversation flows easily. Don’t compare your new gf to your ex. That’s not fair; they’re different people. You will “click” differently with different people. Could it be that you do click with the new gf, but in a different way than you did with the ex? I agree with the "No comparison." Different people click in different ways. Thanks for all replies. My current gf and I don't really share the same sense of humour. There's no 'banter' - you know, teasing each other, sharing private jokes (we do share jokes but she thinks they're hilarious whereas they're just not funny to me) and humour in a relationship is so important to me. I think in the beginning I was blinded and thought we had clicked and now things have died down I realise we don't. I compare her to my ex coz my ex and I still meet up once in a while and we still have that connection (like I have with my friends) but the sexual attraction has gone. I don't know how important banter is. I've always had it in a relationship to some degree, but I wouldn't necessarily consider it a mandate. It's up to you whether you think this relationship works for you or not. But don't compare her to other people or other relationships----that NEVER works.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I need to "click" but the nature of that can vary between different people. That completely sparky banter thing is kind of rare. If you and your girlfriend "get" each other on different levels, it might still be present but in an altered form. I tried to go out with a really nice, kind, in all ways admirable guy for 6 whole months where the "click" was absent. Finally I just had to call it off; it simply was not happening. With my fiance, it's not that rapid fire banter and hilarity, which I love to experience with people. But there certainly was a "click." It was almost something you could actually feel. We both "got" each other really completely, right away. And we knew we would be together. That never happened with the non-clicking relationship.
Author citron Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I need to "click" but the nature of that can vary between different people. That completely sparky banter thing is kind of rare. If you and your girlfriend "get" each other on different levels, it might still be present but in an altered form. I tried to go out with a really nice, kind, in all ways admirable guy for 6 whole months where the "click" was absent. Finally I just had to call it off; it simply was not happening. With my fiance, it's not that rapid fire banter and hilarity, which I love to experience with people. But there certainly was a "click." It was almost something you could actually feel. We both "got" each other really completely, right away. And we knew we would be together. That never happened with the non-clicking relationship. Maybe my expectations for a LTR a just too high. I DO want to have the rapid banter hilarity you mention with a girlfriend. I think it's part of 'clicking' with someone. My current gf and I click only on a very basic level. For example we both like eating out and going for walks but then so do so many women out there. We click on common, everyday things but I know she just doesn't get me. It's too tiring trying to find someone you click with, it's a rare connection and I truly think many people just settle... By the way I broke up with my ex not the other way round and I think that in order to make my new relationship work I shouldn't be in contact with my ex.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 By the way I broke up with my ex not the other way round and I think that in order to make my new relationship work I shouldn't be in contact with my ex. I agree with that. But, I do get the idea that your new relationship really is not firing on all cylinders for you. People REALLY have to compromise a LOT to have a successful relationship. That said, though, if people feel like they are "settling," I believe it's the kiss of doom. I've compromised on some stuff that I considered deal breakers with my fiance - notably, he smokes, which was a big one for me. Still, I do NOT have the sense that I am "settling." I have the sense that I'm getting so much from him and from the relationship we share that I am able to accept something like that. Why did you break up with your ex? Are you over her?
Author citron Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Hmmm well I broke up with her because we just didn't get on any more and the arguements were wearing us both out. Things hadn't been good for a while and it was the hardest thing I've done but I knew it was for the best. Actually, I don't think I'm 'settling' either in my current relationship. She has lots of good points and we compliment each other well. I am however starting to become more aware of things that I think may be deal breakers and am confused as to why its taken me so long to see them. She's not happy that I see my ex sometimes and I feel she's pushing me to marry her or something. It's too soon for me to commit to her like that and it's made me look at our relationship in more depth. Probably my doubts are normal but I can't help thinking that there might be someone better for me out there.
SilverBlueAndGold Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Maybe my expectations for a LTR a just too high. I DO want to have the rapid banter hilarity you mention with a girlfriend. I think it's part of 'clicking' with someone. My current gf and I click only on a very basic level. For example we both like eating out and going for walks but then so do so many women out there. We click on common, everyday things but I know she just doesn't get me. It's too tiring trying to find someone you click with, it's a rare connection and I truly think many people just settle... . When you say she doesn't get you, do you mean you get a lot of blank stares i.e. crack a joke or reference a movie or something and you can see it goes right over her head? I know that feeling all too well. It may seem like a small thing but when it continues to happen you might find yourself thinking "Is this even the right person for me?"
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I am however starting to become more aware of things that I think may be deal breakers and am confused as to why its taken me so long to see them. She's not happy that I see my ex sometimes and I feel she's pushing me to marry her or something. It's too soon for me to commit to her like that and it's made me look at our relationship in more depth. Probably my doubts are normal but I can't help thinking that there might be someone better for me out there. Okay ... I'm sorry, but this post speaks volumes. Whether you are ready to admit it to yourself or not, you are already moving out of this relationship. With the state of mind you currently have about her/it, I believe you WOULD in fact be "settling" if you stayed. I'm sure she is a wonderful and lovely woman, and I bet you're wonderful and lovely yourself ... but also, I bet you're right that there IS someone who's more of your right fit, who is neither this girl nor your ex. I get the feeling you're not an old guy. You will find the "click" again, if you free yourself up, and also if you don't expect it to be just the same as the last time you found it. Best to you!
Author citron Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Well yes she doesn't understand some of the references I make but also I am now worried about really showing her who I am if that makes any sense. For example I like a good conversation, a good debate and she immediately shies away from anything 'deep'. I act differently towards her compared to how I act with my friends, family, ex. I kind of imagine her reaction and decide I won't like what I see so I don't bother. She doesn't really get on with my friends either and I used to think that wouldn't bother me but it does. She doesn't really make an effort with them. Again she just doesn't 'get' them. It took me some time at the start to decide whether or not I thought we were compatible and because she has so many great qualities that I lack and that my ex lacked I felt it was right. My friends think I should find someone who is more like me as I would feel more confortable with them. I guess I'm still trying to figure her out but it's been months now and I'm nowhere nearer to 'getting' her either!!! You can tell from my rambling responses that I am just a bit confused here. I am actually quite 'old'...if being 35 is considered old!!!
FitChick Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 It sounds like this relationship is one of convenience and you are too lazy to find someone better. I wouldn't want to be with a man like that. I think that 'click' is important if you are looking for something more serious than an affair because that 'click' is what keeps you together in hard times and makes you more willing to work things out.
Emilia Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Well yes she doesn't understand some of the references I make but also I am now worried about really showing her who I am if that makes any sense. For example I like a good conversation, a good debate and she immediately shies away from anything 'deep'. I act differently towards her compared to how I act with my friends, family, ex. I kind of imagine her reaction and decide I won't like what I see so I don't bother. She doesn't really get on with my friends either and I used to think that wouldn't bother me but it does. She doesn't really make an effort with them. Again she just doesn't 'get' them. It took me some time at the start to decide whether or not I thought we were compatible and because she has so many great qualities that I lack and that my ex lacked I felt it was right. My friends think I should find someone who is more like me as I would feel more confortable with them. I guess I'm still trying to figure her out but it's been months now and I'm nowhere nearer to 'getting' her either!!! You can tell from my rambling responses that I am just a bit confused here. I am actually quite 'old'...if being 35 is considered old!!! No I don't think you are lazy, you just tried to pick a partner purely based on sensibility and that didn't get you anywhere. You have listen to your instincts more when you meet someone. To me clicking is essential (I'm 39)
Author citron Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 No I don't think you are lazy, you just tried to pick a partner purely based on sensibility and that didn't get you anywhere. You have listen to your instincts more when you meet someone. To me clicking is essential (I'm 39) I agree wholeheartedly. But I know of many people who are together who just don't seem to click at all. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship like that. I think I want out.
OliveOyl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I do agree that there has to be some click. If there's no click on any level then yes, I think that's settling. A long time ago, when I was dating before I met my ex, I had a short-term relationship with a guy who was soooo funny and we really "clicked" intellectually and on that level of humor you're talking about. He got my jokes and references right away, and he was so smart. Only... physically we didn't really mesh at all. That was a real disappointment. My current BF doesn't click on that humor/intellectual level as much as some other guys (including my ex) but he very much clicks on an emotional level as well as a physical level. It's just a different kind of "click" but it's there. I wondered (and still do wonder sometimes) whether I'd need that kind of banter but the truth is I can get that from other people. Time will tell. On the other hand, my BF totally "gets" the kind of emotional support and sharing I want/need, which I never really had with my ex.
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