Nsweet Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I decided to break NC today after two weeks because I was feeling so much better. I got a call from my wife around 4pm here from Colorado. I let it quit ringing first and waited 5 or 6 minutes before calling back just to not seem at all needy. When she picked up I just said "Hey" in a warm and calm voice. She immediately launched at me with, "Are you avoiding me?!" to which I answer "No, just busy". She wasn't buying that and persued further so said something like, I needed a time off before college. Then came the dreaded divorce plans I had really been avoiding where she asked me for a date in November I could fly to California to file divorce papers with her. She didn't need me there the first two times she filed donor made no sense. I kept my calm and only asked "why November?". She actually thinks that the second divorce went through even though the let it time out some time last month. All I got from her was something along the lines that we should do this together,like friends. Inside I was thinking "no chance in hell!", so I didn't give he the answer she wanted. She then proceeds to ask me what day I would be free. First it was "Friday?" then "Saturday!" so I said fine idk maybe I'll be free that day. "WHAT TIME?!" she demanded to know. Now if this isn't clear to others this is just a method of control caused by rejection. Honestly, I knew this convorsation was coming and was more than ready for it. After my years in the navy in stressful arguments, top secret security interviews, captain's mast, and even anger management classes, and oh yeah picking up women in nearly impossible circumstances. I wasn't at all afraid because I wouldn't let her control me. The next step is obvious where I must let her get all of her rejection and hurt feelings out before I can talk to her open heart directly. In these cases it's best to let the other person say what needs to be said while remaining high value and as they said in the service, "shutin' the f*** and listening". This does not mean complimenting her or any chasing whatsoever. Simple listening skills and maybe a "thank you for telling me" are all thats required. I estimate maybe two to three days of NC on her part before she is ready to openly talk again later, which is fine by me as inwas going to wait a week or so anyways. I know she is seriously pissed right now and I need to hear her exact reason why she wants a divorce once she has calmed down. I have a few insights to what her reasons are and have tried to get her to change her mind which failed miserably. This time im actually pulling away and living my life.
Author Nsweet Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 Today around 4pm I get a call on the land line that get picked up immediately by my mom, it was my wife. I'm pissed because I was busy cookig and also didn't want to do this on her terms but I plated it off well. After several sessions of silence I broke and invested in her a little until she was happy, then proceeded to ask her why she was upset. She went on for about ten minutes letting me know how this divorcebus going to go down becaus I didn't respect her decision last time. Last time it was uncontested so I dont even know what she is saying. She did however mention something about being in love with me but not wanting to be, so there is still a possibility. What really pissed me off was that she mentioned getting a tattoo. Her whole view of being wild and free but not liking when I feel that way and go dancing with women is too controlling. Not to mention that I've given her thousands and not seen a single penny. Our convorsation ended when I finally gave her a reasonable date and she said she needed to call her boss to ask for time off and that she would call back, she didn't-no surprise there. After about an hour before I headed off to the gym I called to say I'd call later. When I got back, after time to think things through I realized she put herself on such a high pedestal I couldn't reach her or argue. I called and hungup, when she called back i told her that "her plans for November sounded alright, but I didn't want to talk about them until then". She responded with "get all your plans together and .......". I honestly don't want to remember the crap she is spewing out. Don't worry I made sure this call as apathetic as all hell. Atleast now that I have agreed with her she will leave me alone about the divorce. Now I have about three months to improve myself further and perform limited contact before the divorce. From here I'm getting a cell phone so this never happens again. I'm still upset she caught me off guard.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 You thought that 2 weeks of NC would help stave off the divorce? Please explain your reasoning.
Author Nsweet Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 This is the second time I've used NC. The first time I tried for six weeks but I gave into her too quickly after and began getting phased out. After a fight where I tried to encourage separations instead of divorce she blew up and so NC started again. This time it was just two weeks because I was emotionally ready to deal with her. Now I'm going to continue NC or Limited contact from now until then.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Okay, so you figure that if you postpone dealing with her that she might be calm enough to not be pissed and talk it out.
Author Nsweet Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 Read above. We've already talked this out and atleast gotten her plans out of the way and agreed apon. There will be time between them and now to talk and as she plans "talk before the divorce". The thing is I can tell that this is not what she really wants but she thinks life will be better for her because that's what her parents did and still stay together in a codependent unfaithful relationship. I'm more than willing to walk away and show her we can't still be "friends" like she wants. Im no lap dog!
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