Is it time to quit? perplexed and sad

[elisheva]

Please bear with me this is kind of long but it's been bothering me for a while and I just need other opinions...

 

So I met this guy online about 4 months ago, and we got close pretty quickly. We were constantly emailing each other mulitple times a day and eventually skyping once or twice a week (typically during the weekend when we had more time). He is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, very attractive, smart, and funny too. We haven't been able to meet up yet because we both have really busy careers and live in different countries (him Sweden me the US) but we've been talking about meeting around the one year anniversary of when we started chatting, depending on what my schedule looks like (not because it will be 'one year' but because that's when I will next be free---I am a student).

 

When summer began I had more time for skype so we started chatting on that even more frequently, still emailing each other constantly too. Right before I left for vacation, I sent him an e-mail telling him how I felt about him. In a nutshell, I haven't been in healthy relationships before (he knows this) and I felt closer to him than I did to any of my past boyfriends/lovers. I didn't say anything about us being in a relationship or me wanting one with him, but it was a bit mushy I supposed. This is where things start getting weird.

 

He never responded to that email and since then he has been less responsive through email...he used to email me everyday and if i didn't respond within a day or so he'd get worried. I never brought up that email in subsequent chats/emails and neither has he.

 

But now, weeks will pass before he responds to my emails if he does at all. We've still been talking on skype but even that has been weird lately. Right after I started vacation (a few days after i sent that email) things were fine if not phenomenal...we'd talk for hours a day and once we even chatted for 8 hours (he was also on vacation). Our discussions became more intimate as well.

 

Two weeks ago I was in a sour mood over this and other things, thinking it was time for us to stop talking because he seemed so distant. I didnt bring that up though, I just asked him what he'd hoped to get out of all of this (our talking) and he said "something nice and good, like a long time 'friend'". I wasnt sure if he meant f*ck buddies or something more so I asked him to elaborate and he what he described was like a girlfriend, but with an emphasis on the physical (almost his exact words: not only someone to have sex with, but someone to kiss, cuddle, and have romantic dinners with). Anyway, he told me to email him if I get bored, and I emailed him the next day (when I was feeling better and bored ) but he just responded yesterday. We haven't had any substantial skype conversations since then, if I start a conversation he will maybe say a few words and then tell me he is going to bed because he is tired (and admittedly it is late for him so I believe him). But, then he doesn't log off for another hour or so. Or he'll tell me that he's going to watch a movie. He was on skype during the weekend so I sent a simple "hello" but he never responded and logged off a few hours later without saying anything. Also, he wanted to exchange photos from our vacations and sent me an email reminding me that I owe him pictures, so I sent him mine and instead of just giving me his, he emails me this morning (a week or so after I sent him the first email) telling me to remind him to show them to me during our next skype chat. I don't know why he is starting to be less direct and it seems like he is playing games or trying to avoid me, but then why even still email me?

 

I guess what it all boils down to is this: I am worrying that because we had intimate conversations he only sees me as a potential physical partner, and he denies that, but it isn't clear what else he sees in me. I often cry when I think about it, him only seeing me that way, when I want so much more when with hm. I also know that he expects we'll be physically intimate when we meet, and I am not sure if I can do that. I know he wouldn't pressure me to do anything I don't want to do, but again, if he just wants physical intimacy we shouldn't be wasting each other's time. I am also a bit confused as why he'd pursue someone outside of Europe if that's what he wants, but then again, I am not of European descent so it might be harder for him to find "exotic" girls like me in Sweden. It just isn't exactly an easy subject to approach without being offensive. Part of me thinks it's time to let go but part of me (a bigger part) has feelings for him (and I know it's crazy, we've never met or anything) and I want to see what could become of this.

 

Do I have reason to worry? Is this normal at all (maybe I just don't understand it because of the cultural differences---I hear Swedish men can be standoff-ish but all the Swedish men I know are pretty extroverted, and he was open in the beginning)? I admit to making mistakes in this and that I am not perfect either, so maybe I pushed him away. Perhaps my actions seem desperate or nagging, and I hate clingy SOs yet I fear that's what I am becoming so I havent responded to his emails yet, I am going to try NC until I figure out what to do next.

 

I know I have to figure out what's right for me but I am so confused now and would love advice from someone more experienced and wiser in these situations. Thanks!

[crazylove]

Hi Elisheva,

Welcome to AL!

Well, it seems to me you've already figured out the right thing for you to do. I'm not sure what the guy could be thinking at this moment. Maybe he is worried about your feelings for him, or perhaps he is just playing games and has others that he's also messaging/skyping.

I think it might be best to stay NC and wait for him to contact you now. Try and get on with your life, even though it's hard. It's going to hurt for a while, but maybe he'll have a think about how you feel about him and realise that he does miss you when you're not around.

Take care ((hugs))

[elisheva]

Thanks crazylove

 

Yes, it would be soo much easier if I knew what he was thinking, wouldn't be going manic every so often thinking about him and his feelings .

 

It's really weird though sometimes! I caved in and emailed him on wednesday and yesterday we were both on skype so i messaged him and we had a nice, pretty long chat. He obviously read my e-mail because he asked me if I finalized the weekend plans I mentioned in the e-mail, but there were other things that he completely ignored (explained further down), maybe because he didn't want to get into an awkward situation? I, too, didn't reiterate them in our chat because I didn't want anything awkward at the moment, so I am to blame too, I guess...

 

So when we first started chatting, I mentioned that I might be going to Europe for work over the summer, and he got really excited saying he'd fly down to wherever I was so we could meet. Unfortunately that fell through (I ended up not going to Europe), and in June we started talking about setting up a meeting. I had free time in November/December and March/April, so we said during one of those times with March being most likely. And he said that I should come to Europe. Not Sweden, but that we should meet up in Europe. (should that have been a red flag)?

 

Then I found out I am going to Mexico in a few weeks, was really excited and emailed him the great news, because we both share a fondness for Latin America. He was happy for me and told me that apparently he and his friend are planning a trip to Mexico over the winter. I (jokingly) said that he should make a detour to the USA before/after his trip, and I never got a response to that, even though he clearly read that email because it was the one where I also discussed my weekend plans.

 

Personally, if I really like someone, or I was really interested in meeting someone to see if I had feelings for them, and I was going to be so close to their country (I live in a border state so it isn't unrealistic), I would try to set something up. But maybe I am irrational and too loose with my emotions?

 

I am going to try NC and see what happens, it will be hard but maybe a bit easier because I will be out of the country with very limited internet access in two weeks. I also told him when I am available in March so I am leaving it up to him to bring up the subject of us meeting up then. I am worried that it will seem like I am playing games now, but maybe he does need some time to figure this out without me egging him in one direction or the other... ugh...