jjlil Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I have a dilemma. I've been married 12 years and up until very recently everything was fine. My husband and I are partners in business and last year a new client came on board. I met her a couple of time in a business setting...my husband however became friends with her on a personal level. The initial reason appeared to be that he had an art hobby and she was interested in joining classes. She was in a long term relationship and living with someone and my husband asked if I minded her attending the art class with him. I said no. They have been friends since (I have not been involved in the 'friendship' at all) but things have gathered pace considerably. About six weeks ago she split with her partner & this is where it gets strange...she moved from a town 20 miles away to two blocks away (my husband helped her find the accomodation). She asked him out for a one on one meal to thank him for being a good friend...he told me right away but this made me feel very uncomfortable and I told him so..he agreed and the meal never went ahead. She then started offering him rides to places in her car to help him out. He said she was just being friendly. I then discover she has been meeting up with him in the morning while walking respective dogs. This came out in conversation with my husband when he casually mentioned it. Then she asked him if she could tag along one day while he was working as she felt very low. My husband has told me all of this in a very flippant 'she is just a friend in need' way. The final straw was the cell phone bill which showed 250 texts in a one month period. When I flipped, my husband said I could read them all and gave me his phone. They were all there and appeared fairly innocent...discussing art etc but am not happy with how far this friendship has gone. He spends more time talking to her than he does me. I have told him how I feel and he says in hindsight that maybe things do look strange and that if I want he will cool it with her (I know he is not happy doing this though). I feel I want to confront her too but he doesn't want me to do this and says I am completely over reacting. I wonder if her intentions are more sinister ..well I wonder lots of things. Thanks
sweetypielovely Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 The fact that hes lied about interactions with her even if its just dog walking is wrong. The texts are excessive and hes obviously interested in what she thinks...NOT what YOU think. Id nip it in the bud now. Your gonna be sorry if you dont. This is clearly progressing into more than a friend. Ive had a friend in a similar situation and if her hubby didnt stick to his guns about it ending it many have gone further. I think your hubby is using the classic, "shes just a friend" line WAY too much. The fact you have never been involved is a huge clue. When your married you should be involved with new people who enter each others lives.
Afishwithabike Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 What concerns me is that you said he spends more time talking to her than he does to you. Regardless of whether he is about to cheat or will cheat in the future with her, it's bad that he talks to her more than you. We all have friends. I have friends that are guys. We talk about stuff. Sometimes about work, sometimes about current events or whatever, but I can honestly say I don't talk to them more than my spouse. I also don't text them more often than I do my spouse. I don't text anyone 250 times a month! That's excessive especially when it's sent to a single female by a married man. People can have opposite sex friends, but those friends have to be friends to the marriage. Those friends shouldn't have a romantic interest in one partner. When opposite sex friendships start becoming excessive and secretive, you need to worry. It looks to me from the outside like this woman might have an interest in your spouse. It looks like he likes her attention. Maybe nothing has happened, but who knows what might happen given enough time and given enough sweet talking by her? If it were me, I'd have no problem telling him to distance himself from her. I think you also need to figure out what it is he gets from her that he thinks he's not getting from you and the marriage. Does he want to talk about art with you? Do you show an interest in the subject matter? Have an honest talk with him, does he had any hidden resentments/needs that you're not meeting and vice versa.
BellaBellaBella Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I think the fact now they are walking the dogs togather is an indicator they have created a daily life without you. He will be having an affair with her next if not already in an emotional affair. I would suggest you start walking and along and put a var on the dogs collar if you don't. I think they are creating a world that excludes you and she isn't a friend to the marriage.
soulm8 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Very inappropriate friendship. The dog walking, texting and dinner(s) are not cool. It's "great" that your husband is being so "open" about "everything" but they are in fact growing a relationship which excludes you.
midkirby Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 If if I were you, I would give him the benefit of doubt. Invite her over for dinner and see how they interact. If she declines or acts flirty or real stand offish, I would put an end to it. The positive side of this is that he is telling you about her. If he starts to really hide their meetings, then you are in trouble. How would he feel if you had a male friend who texted you that many times?
Author jjlil Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Hes already hiding their meetings.... Yes what he is doing is telling me about their arrangements/meetings..but after they have already been made and it is being casually dropped into the conversation. I feel very excluded...and suspicious..It's like he knows he shouldn't be doing it and by telling me it exonerates him in some way. It is always a matter of fact statement he comes out with.
sweetypielovely Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Please dont take this wrong, but hes already done her. Im convinced of it.
GG3 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If if I were you, I would give him the benefit of doubt. Invite her over for dinner and see how they interact. If she declines or acts flirty or real stand offish, I would put an end to it. The positive side of this is that he is telling you about her. If he starts to really hide their meetings, then you are in trouble. How would he feel if you had a male friend who texted you that many times? I second this idea. I think you have a hard battle ahead of you. If you put your foot down both of them will say you aren't "letting them have friends." Play the game. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying she is just being needy with your husband...she is asking too much. She needs to find a good girlfriend instead.
Woman In Blue Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 He's progressing down a very slippery slope. This is usally how alot of affairs begin - with innocent 'friendship.' She's clearly not a friend of the marriage and it would appear you don't exist in her world. If it continues, you're going to be back here saying you should stopped it before it progressed into something devastating.
vsmini Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 It seems like he's been pretty up front with letting you read the text messages but this is getting pretty insane - that's a lot of time to be spending with her....why aren't you involved or asking to be involved? Smoke....to Fire. Careful. Also - as a female that woman should know that it's odd to be spending that much time with a married man. If I was the other woman I would be cognizant of the situation and it appearing inappropriate and encourage my "friend" to bring his wife along with him and often. She's probably playing dumb. Annoying. Had you guys established early on in the relationship your feelings about opp sex friendships?
Author jjlil Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 We never had a discussion on opposite sex friendships but all I know is that if this was the other way around, he would go nuts. For a lot of couples it is probably never mentioned unless it happens. He has agreed that some of the things in this so called 'friendship' looks strange & he will cool things, but the fact that he isn't happy about doing that (and whether he does anyway is going to be hard to find out) makes me concerned. I am in full agreement with you vsmini in that this woman cannot possibly think this is ok knowing he is married (or is she too selfish to see that?) which leads me to agree with others here who have said she is not a friend to the marriage & I can only suspect her intentions are not friendly. The only way to test that is to invite her to dinner (as a few of you suggested), but I'm worried that they might think that means I am ok with the friendship when I'm not. I know you are only getting one side of the story here but people we know who are 'around' this situation are pretty much saying what everyone here is saying. In hindsight perhaps I should have never sanctioned or given the go ahead to them going to art classes right from the outset and I might not be in this situation now.
Woman In Blue Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Oh JJlil, it's not your fault because you told your husband you wouldn't have a problem if his 'friend' attended art classes with him. You were just being trusting and not acting like a 'fish' wife whose always disagreeable and witchy. You shouldn't have to regret trying to be agreeable and showing your trust. This is a really tough one, because if you forbid him to have so much contact with her, it's more than likely he'll just start keeping their contact hidden from you. Most of these people don't want to give up the excitement and ego boost they're getting on a daily basis from the opposite sex and will do what they have to do to keep it coming. Giving up that daily attention is tough for them. This sounds SO 50's housewife-ish, but rather than forbidding him to be in contact with her (which will more than likely cause them to go underground and continue being in touch - but now YOU'RE the 'bad guy' so they have THAT to bond over, as well) I'd fight fire with fire and start giving him a lot more attention and spending more time with him. After all, if most of his time and attention is being focused on you, she won't seem nearly as intoxicating to him as she does right now. I think he's downplaying their 'friendship' to you and he's enjoying all the attention and admiration he's getting from her.
t0ri Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 This situation is eerily similar to my family member's, who's husband was indeed cheating with the so called "friend." Much too close for comfort in my eyes. I wouldn't even bother with the dinner. I think you already have enough information. Plus, their interaction in front of you could very well be different from when you're not around. I also find it disturbing that he seemingly has a deeper friendship with this woman, than with you. I hope your situation turns around and has a good ending. Good luck!
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) I wouldn't bother with the dinner either unless he pushes for it. That's because, if anything goes wrong it's because YOU didn't try hard enough to be her friend. IF he's pushing you to interact with her more, then I would gain agreement from him upfront that he will not resort to that kind of intimidation against you. Edited August 25, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds
sweetypielovely Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 This situation is eerily similar to my family member's, who's husband was indeed cheating with the so called "friend." Much too close for comfort in my eyes. I wouldn't even bother with the dinner. I think you already have enough information. Plus, their interaction in front of you could very well be different from when you're not around. I also find it disturbing that he seemingly has a deeper friendship with this woman, than with you. I hope your situation turns around and has a good ending. Good luck! Your exactly right. You know whats going on so fight fire with fire and get your hubby back by giving him a lot of attention and start doing these things hes doing with her. If he doesnt come around.....youll know the truth.
vsmini Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 What a crappy situation your H has put you in. It needs to be discussed more at length. He's your husband and he should be open and understanding of your feelings. Point out to him that he would feel the same way if the roles were reversed and that even though he may not like cutting ties with her he should really suck it up and deal with it because he understands (as he admitted) that it looks strange and that no new female friend is worth straining a marriage over. When you're married you have to make sacrifices to benefit the team of two people who came together in a marriage - this would be his sacrifice. Time for him to shut up and deal with it. You add more to his life than she does.
vsmini Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Also to add - I wouldn't confront her as of now. This is a situation that has to be dealt with in your home. If things are still going on that don't look quite right after you've had a proper discussion with him then maybe a talk with her would be fine but for the most part...keep the problem at home. Besides - all you're likely to hear is the famous "NO! We're just friends!" line. Yea - OK. Telling her to back off will be futile and will just give her steam to act even more inappropriately. Well you know what? Friends don't take their other opposite married friends out for dinners to "thank them" for being a good friend - that's what women do for each other. Give me a break.
bikinibeach Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I ask you: Which is more important in a relationship? Emotional or physical intimacy. Both equally. physical platonic relationship with the opposite sex: on healthy end of spectrum: handshake, pat on the back, high five, casual hug on special occasions Unhealthy: kissing, groping, sex Emotional platonic relationship with the opposite sex: healthy: small talk, surface discussion of life happenings Unhealthy: deep discussions about sex and relationships, keeping secrets, forming emotional bond, serving as "platonic" surrogate partner He's on the extreme end of the spectrum in one area, why dont you explain to him that you are going to do the same in the other area! Tell him you have a friend who's girl just left him and he has no one to kiss and its really hard on him. So Sometimes you let him make out and fondle you but it's only JUST AS FRIENDS because you are worried about him!!!!! Your husband is a douche bag. He is cheating on you. He is having emotional sex with this evil b1tch. He doesnt want you to confront her??? He needs to protect his frail angel from his crazy mean wife who won't let them be "friends"???? You need to pull out the big guns. Call this woman and let her know. Move out. Stay with parents or a friend. Give husband ultimatum. You don't need or deserve this. I know someone who suffered this situation for years. It gave her cancer. also check baggagereclaim.com for help. search healthy boundaries in relationships. Xoxxo hugz i
Afishwithabike Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Also to add - I wouldn't confront her as of now. This is a situation that has to be dealt with in your home. If things are still going on that don't look quite right after you've had a proper discussion with him then maybe a talk with her would be fine but for the most part...keep the problem at home. Besides - all you're likely to hear is the famous "NO! We're just friends!" line. Yea - OK. Telling her to back off will be futile and will just give her steam to act even more inappropriately. Well you know what? Friends don't take their other opposite married friends out for dinners to "thank them" for being a good friend - that's what women do for each other. Give me a break. Yes. And in an attempt to gain sympathy and cast herself as the victim, she might even run to your husband boohooing about how his evil wife verbally attacked her. If he's that into her, he might turn around and berate you for telling off someone who is in an emotionally vulnerable place.
cyborgbountyhunter Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I feel your pain, JJlil. I'm finding myself in what could potentially be the same boat, so since there's a thread for this, I'll ask for advice here too. About a month ago, my girlfriend was hanging out with two of her friends to watch a movie. These two are married, and so to keep her from feeling like a fifth wheel, they invited along a guy they knew to talk to her. (Her and I are in a long-distance relationship, so that's why I wasn't available to be there with her in this circumstance) Anyway, her and this guy REALLY hit it off, like incredibly well. Since then, she's been spending incredible amounts of time with him. For the last week and half, he's been staying in the guest bedroom at her house. Now, the reason he is doing this is because his room mates are extremely hard to live with, and he wanted a break from them. She lives with her parents still, and he's been sleeping two floors away, so that's not that inappropriate in and of itself. However, a few days ago he admitted to her that he has a crush on her and wishes she was single. Now, he's been nothing but totally honorable about his interactions with her so far, going so far as to rent her a separate hotel room with his own money when they went out with some friends and weren't able to make it back home in time, so I'm not so worried that he's going to try and make a move on her. What worries me is this. She's spending eight to ten hours a day with him, and anytime he goes back home, she's calling him to come back and keep her company by the end of the day. Is this something I should be worried about? She swears up and down, backwards and forwards, and sideways that she's not attracted to him like that and that nothing's ever going to happen, but I still wonder. I'm not her usual physical type (Tall, broad, and on the fat side while she likes them medium height and stick-thin), and more importantly, he's a musician, and she absolutely loves music and those who play it. Should I be making more of an issue of this than I am? I've already told her that it concerns me, but I haven't demanded that she stop seeing him because so far it hasn't started being really scary. I'd appreciate all of your thoughts on this to help me.
Afishwithabike Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 cyborgbountyhunter - love your user name. You sound like a scifi geek like me. So let's get the facts straight - your girlfriend is living in the same house with a guy who has admitted he has a crush on her, he has said he wishes she's single, he is her physical type (you're not), they both share common interests, they spend 8-10 hours a day together, they've hit it off incredibly well and meanwhile you aren't even in physical proximity to them? Um... I would be worried. Why did he admit his feelings to her when he knew she was in a relationship? He had to have a motive for that.
red-doe Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 a year ago, i had the same situation, young single secretary that works with my husband, her name started to come up alot, and then the favors and the phone calls , as soon as i told him i was feeling uncomfortable he went underground with the "friendship" and they started to text each other. when i looked up his cell phone records, i printed them out and threw them at him. he said she was his best friend, that crushed me as much as if he would of said , they were lovers. i called her, and asked her if she would like to give me her spin on what kind of relationship she was haveing with my husband, and what planet did she live on , that it was ok for a single women to be carrying on with a married man. i called his boss the next day and asked him what the work place policy was, for a supervisor to be haveing a inter office relationship during and after work with a co-worker was. and surprize , surprize there was not one. once she found out that i contacted her boss she sent me a letter, telling me she would sue me if i ever contacted her again and that the phone calls and the texting were about the yard work he does for her. I dont think there was anything romantic going on, but i do think that he had a crush on her. but regardless it was inappropriate. i filed for divorce and then decieded to go to counseling, but it still burns me up, they still work together and she lives on the next block so i have to see her everyday. anyway just wanted to share my story. it is so common in the work place now, I have a dilemma. I've been married 12 years and up until very recently everything was fine. My husband and I are partners in business and last year a new client came on board. I met her a couple of time in a business setting...my husband however became friends with her on a personal level. The initial reason appeared to be that he had an art hobby and she was interested in joining classes. She was in a long term relationship and living with someone and my husband asked if I minded her attending the art class with him. I said no. They have been friends since (I have not been involved in the 'friendship' at all) but things have gathered pace considerably. About six weeks ago she split with her partner & this is where it gets strange...she moved from a town 20 miles away to two blocks away (my husband helped her find the accomodation). She asked him out for a one on one meal to thank him for being a good friend...he told me right away but this made me feel very uncomfortable and I told him so..he agreed and the meal never went ahead. She then started offering him rides to places in her car to help him out. He said she was just being friendly. I then discover she has been meeting up with him in the morning while walking respective dogs. This came out in conversation with my husband when he casually mentioned it. Then she asked him if she could tag along one day while he was working as she felt very low. My husband has told me all of this in a very flippant 'she is just a friend in need' way. The final straw was the cell phone bill which showed 250 texts in a one month period. When I flipped, my husband said I could read them all and gave me his phone. They were all there and appeared fairly innocent...discussing art etc but am not happy with how far this friendship has gone. He spends more time talking to her than he does me. I have told him how I feel and he says in hindsight that maybe things do look strange and that if I want he will cool it with her (I know he is not happy doing this though). I feel I want to confront her too but he doesn't want me to do this and says I am completely over reacting. I wonder if her intentions are more sinister ..well I wonder lots of things. Thanks
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