Confused4Now Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Every so often a thought will pop in my head about what my xMW did that was a red flag but at the time I chose to discard it and never thought of it. Once the FOG has cleared those subtle Red Flags are really showing through.... So my question is what subtle Red Flags do you fine yourself thinking after the fact that you might have discarded while in the affair? I'll start... 1. Went shopping with her and she went to pick up a deodorant stick for her H and I questioned it. She said "Come on...I can't be heartless I'm here already" 2. She went to Concert with her daughter and I asked her if H went along...he did. 3. She go silent all weekend then email Sunday night that she went away for weekend to visit relatives and forgot her charger for phone. Towards the end of A this excuse became more frequent. 4. When we had something planned to do on weekends....she would all of sudden get a migraine. Again this happened more often towards the end. I know some of you don't want to admit that you might not have seen it or recognize the red flags...but it happens...so post away!!!
woinlove Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 She was married. Wow, HUUUUUUGE red flag! The red flag that comes to mind is along those same lines -- I knew he was lying to his W and yet I was naive enough to think he would not lie to me because I was honest with him and didn't give him any reason to lie and, well, he said he loved being honest and open with me. lol. He spontaneously offered the "fact" that he wasn't having sex with his W, when I had just assumed he was until he told me otherwise. Turns out he lied. It did not actually matter to me either way, but the lying did. At least I learned that lying is really about the individual who chooses to lie and not about the people they lie to.
confused_88 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 interesting list, quite a few sound familiar to me with my xMW. I used to hear from her all the time on the weekends, but all of a sudden she started going to her family's lake house where there is magically no reception. Of course she was with her H...reception loud and clear. Plus I got the "we're very amicable"...when referencing her and her H...even after he found out. WTF does that mean? amicable? If that's the word you use to describe your H then I feel sorry for the guy. But yeah, you're right...it's amazing all the things you don't pay attention to when things are going well. But as soon as you really start opening your eyes, you wonder how you could have been so blind the entire time. Damn those rose colored glasses!
East7 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Hi Confused, interesting topic, although in an A there are more Red flags than the entire Red Army marching on Moscow I ignored a lot of Red flags that would have rationally helped me to end it earlier and accept the reality. Love is blind and deaf.
Author Confused4Now Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 She was married. Wow, HUUUUUUGE red flag! hahahaaha not so subtle you think? That one made me laugh though....
woinlove Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 interesting topic, although in an A there are more Red flags than the entire Red Army marching on Moscow Good one! :laugh:
Circular Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) Blind, deaf and willing to come back and haunt you at a moments notice. I think there are a lot of red flags, but like any relationship there's hills and valleys so the red flags aren't as obvious because you kind of expect the ups/downs that any person with a conscious would deal with in this situation; feelings of guilt, conflicted, etc... it's happening on both sides of the equation. I suppose I had a few red flags, I actually noticed them but choose to ignore them. 1. Hearing the I'm really really busy line increasingly more often 2. The all I can give line 3. Talks about getting together less and less or not at all 4. Suddenly the sharing of what's going on drops significantly... I think this is the one I picked up on the most I had quite a few red flags but at the same time I gave her an out many times which she verbally disagreed in taking. In the end she still was wishy-washy and wanted to leave the door open. Probably the most confusing part for me was that some 3 months before I walked away I stopped initiating conversations with her, so there was a 3 month period where she was initiating all the conversations almost daily. I'd seen enough red flags so I knew she was most likely weening herself. That was OK with me, not that I appreciated being used but I felt if it lessened the impact on her and her kids, etc... I'm strong enough to endure it. I'm glad to be NC that's for sure, the stress of the roller-coaster really can be consuming. Edited August 24, 2011 by Circular
Memphis Raines Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Every so often a thought will pop in my head about what my xMW did that was a red flag but at the time I chose to discard it and never thought of it. Once the FOG has cleared those subtle Red Flags are really showing through.... So my question is what subtle Red Flags do you fine yourself thinking after the fact that you might have discarded while in the affair? why do subtle red flags mean anything seeing as how there is one HUGE red flag and that is the woman you hooked up with is a cheater ?
East7 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 - I wished I met you before my marriage. - This is all I can give you. - I love you but I can't be with you. - You and I wouldn't work (I "loved" this one..) - We should be friends
torn_curtain Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Was going to say "SHE'S MARRIED" but Reboot beat me to the punch (Damn you! ) No offense to the OP, but it's amazing how delusional people can be.
East7 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 No offense to the OP, but it's amazing how delusional people can be. One day, it may happen to you cutie, no one is immune from "delusional love"
Author Confused4Now Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 One day, it may happen to you cutie, no one is immune from "delusional love" I was going to say the same thing East but you beat me to it... Amazing!!
Gentlegirl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I have a life long moral obligation to my wife...It would be wrong to leave her now. Oh really, so what are you doing in my life????? Gentlegirl
torn_curtain Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 One day, it may happen to you cutie, no one is immune from "delusional love" Oh, I wasn't excluding myself. I've definitely had my delusional moments. But it sounds like the OP still doesn't get that the major red flag was that this woman was married and cheating on her husband. The rest is inconsequential.
ladydesigner Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I had a very short affair with XOM (6 weeks) so there were really no red flags until he ended it, But the day prior to ending he went silent on me and then ended it in an email saying "he couldn't do this anymore." There were many red flags that I gave him...plenty:o There were also many red flags about him as to why I would never consider him relationship material. Many that made me question WTF I even saw in him:eek: I am very thankful he ended the A and has respected my wishes of NC.
Author Confused4Now Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Oh, I wasn't excluding myself. I've definitely had my delusional moments. But it sounds like the OP still doesn't get that the major red flag was that this woman was married and cheating on her husband. The rest is inconsequential.If you mean OP person as me... I suggest you read my story as I was a MM who did end up leaving my marriage and divorcing. So yes I did see the obvious red flag however I did not come from the standard typical OM.
MorningCoffee Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Oh, I wasn't excluding myself. I've definitely had my delusional moments. But it sounds like the OP still doesn't get that the major red flag was that this woman was married and cheating on her husband. The rest is inconsequential. Torn, not to digress, but the OP did entitle the thread, and ask about, "subtle" red flags. Marriage (unless hidden) is a red flag, sure, but hardly qualifies as a "subtle" one.
betterdeal Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Yes, but it's like looking for broken twigs to see if there's an elephant in the room, don't you think?
Seraph1 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 The ExMM was actually FAR MORE affectionate and loving in the last two months before I ended the affair. He spent time with me every day, told me that he wanted me to be in his life permantly and that he was working towards that goal. Then I find out in a very public and humiliating way that he is married! An ex of mine did the exMM tax for him unknown to me... my ex didn't even know that I was dating the exMM when he started talking to exMM about spousal tax-offsets! Wow. All of us were shocked. Suddenly exMM is pulling me outside and is apologetic, crying and begging me to forgive him for keeping it from me because he said he knew he shouldn't of and the longer it went on the worse it got, he felt physically ill and tried to tell me almost every time he saw me etc. etc. Subtle red flags? Errrrrr... his wife lived in another country, he had no photos of her in his apartment (although he had pics of his mum, sis and brother) and nothing femine in his apartment at all. I used to tease him that he was a real man's man. I keep going over it in my mind trying to think if there were any red flags there that I was just so stupid not to see... I guess I should have checked his phone bill, private email and locked filing cabinet. I just thought that trust had to start somewhere!
East7 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 There were also many red flags about him as to why I would never consider him relationship material. Many that made me question WTF I even saw in him:eek: . Rationalization to justify your choices. If OM wasn't marriage material, you weren't much either at that moment.
ladydesigner Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Rationalization to justify your choices. If OM wasn't marriage material, you weren't much either at that moment. I'm actually not justifying my choices. He was a cutter (as in cuts himself when he feels bad), he also still lived at home with mommy and daddy, and had just lost his job. No offense East, my situation is not like yours and I do not look down on OW or OM I actually feel empathy for all involved. My XOM just seriously would not have made a great partner. Sorry if I came off as crude.
geejayess Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 1- Once I was talking about how the only affection I get is from my son- he said "you get if from me 5 days a week" ....REALLY?! I'm supposed to be ok with that?! 2- asking about the leaving clothes in my place- to me this was a step in the wrong direction, opening the door for him to move right into my place once the wife got tired of him. We'd previously talked about how if he ever did leave, he would need time on his own as a single man since he hadn't had that. "Leaving clothes in my place" made me see how he would be following in the same old steps- getting a secure hold on a new woman before the old puts him out... 3- "I don't really wanna go on vacation to Jamaica" Really?! you don't wanna go to Jamaica, to a resort, where they lay out fresh fruit and drinks, put rose petals on the bed (I know this part because he told me about one of their trips before we started the emotional part of the A) and a beautiful ocean view- you don't wanna go there?! so yeah that was DEFINITELY a red flag! This is a great post! I'm looking forward to seeing more
Seraph1 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 "I don't really wanna go on vacation to Jamaica" LOL! I like that one!
MissBee Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) The red flag that comes to mind is along those same lines -- I knew he was lying to his W and yet I was naive enough to think he would not lie to me because I was honest with him and didn't give him any reason to lie and, well, he said he loved being honest and open with me. lol. He spontaneously offered the "fact" that he wasn't having sex with his W, when I had just assumed he was until he told me otherwise. Turns out he lied. It did not actually matter to me either way, but the lying did. At least I learned that lying is really about the individual who chooses to lie and not about the people they lie to . Great post! I concur. When I had the A, the red flags were: - He was already taken yet pursuing me - His gf went from being referred to as simply his child's mother to one day him admitting they were in a relationship to him referring to her by name, to him actually telling me when they would be hanging out etc i.e. don't call/don't expect a call. Now that I think of it, I think he tested me to see how much he's be able to reveal and still have me accept the situation and apparently the more he pushed the boundaries, the more my lack of them became pronounced.How nice it must have been for him to know that I knew "the truth" and still loved him and stuck around, so less lies and stress for him, and he could enjoy me without having to do too much work to get me to play along - He wasn't unhappy with his relationship according to him and loved her but was still cheating -I asked him hypothetically about what if he was on a date with someone (me) at a restaurant and his gf came in, what would he do...he without hesitating told me that he'd expect "that person" to know the deal and act accordingly (i.e. pretend we are just friends and not do anything to rock the boat) -He had no problems compartmentalizing which made me feel very devalued. One day my bestfriend called him (she lived in his city and knew about us, most people on my end did--albeit only about 2 knew it was an A), and was asking him to check her computer out for her and he told her quite casually that he was on his way to spend the weekend out of town with his gf so he'd do it after he got back...wow...wtf...she was taken aback and told me about it, commenting on the fact that he said it as though it were normal, and truth is, for him, it WAS! That was the point. He felt no remorse or conflict about having 2 "gfs". When she told me, I felt sick...as yes he had a gf and I knew that but it reinforced the fact that there relationship was something he enjoyed and participated in and he had 2 separate lives and didn't even think to downplay his gf in the presence of my bestfriend. I could go on...but the first flag pretty much made way for the others, as after the first flag (him being in a relationship yet secretly pursuing another), what could I have expected??? Everything else was up for grabs after..... Edited August 26, 2011 by MissBee
Recommended Posts