SugarHoney Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I sent my ex an email a few weeks back telling him it was too hard to stay friends with him and stay in contact at the moment but that hopefully we could be friends again in the future. And he has replied with a very confusing message, which keeps me in limbo, wondering what he is thinking and whether given more time he may want me back. He hasn't said that he will, or even that he might, but his email is so on the fence that it suggests anything and everything could be a possibility in his mind. I know its only bread crumbs so of course I'm not going to reply. But its as if he may still be unsure of his feelings and doesn't know what he wants. But I do realize this may be wishful thinking. The main thing I get from his email is that he needs more time to think about things. So I feel like I should wait and see if anything further comes? I love him so much still and the thought of never having him in my life again hurts so much but I don't know if I'll ever be at a point where I can just be friends with him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this with lots of mixed messages and false hopes being tossed around?
Ginger Beer Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I sent my ex an email a few weeks back telling him it was too hard to stay friends with him and stay in contact at the moment but that hopefully we could be friends again in the future. And he has replied with a very confusing message, which keeps me in limbo, wondering what he is thinking and whether given more time he may want me back. He hasn't said that he will, or even that he might, but his email is so on the fence that it suggests anything and everything could be a possibility in his mind. I know its only bread crumbs so of course I'm not going to reply. But its as if he may still be unsure of his feelings and doesn't know what he wants. But I do realize this may be wishful thinking. The main thing I get from his email is that he needs more time to think about things. So I feel like I should wait and see if anything further comes? I love him so much still and the thought of never having him in my life again hurts so much but I don't know if I'll ever be at a point where I can just be friends with him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this with lots of mixed messages and false hopes being tossed around? Yeah, and people were telling me to ditch her and go NC which I only really did when I realised I had no choice. What did the email say?
2sunny Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 no need to wait = you could be waiting forever. since he's not DOING EVERYTHING in his power to SHOW you by his ACTIONS that he wants YOU and only YOU - he's looking around to see who may be better than you... IF he really wanted to make it work - he'd do anything and everything to be sure he was making the effort. you're waiting on NOTHING! stop waiting. start living!
radiodarcy Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 yes. and after 2.5 years of mixed signals and him callously toying w/ said hopes he ditched me; told me i needed to move on and that he was joining a dating website to find "the one". don't waste your time like i did. stick to NC. overtime you will see that your life is so much better without all the back and forth and ambiguity that he's put you through. i know mine is
KathyM Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 You may want to try not pressuring him to get back into the relationship. If you've made your feelings known that you want him back, and he's not sure he wants to come back, then you need to back off. Get your life in order. Start having fun and doing fun and interesting things without him. Still keep in occasional contact with him through Email or phone calls, maybe a couple of times a month--no more. Keep the contact light. Something like: "Just wanted to call and see how you're doing. I do care about you." And then happily talk about all the fun/interesting things you've been doing. Don't mention with whom. Don't pressure him at all or sound like you can't live without him or how badly you are doing without him. The goal is to have him think you are getting on with your life, and that you are the fun/interesting/great person that he had feelings for. He has to realize that on his own before he'll want you back.
vsmini Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Breadcrumbs are just that....little bits of things that will never satisfy you. His message - which might seem confusing to you at first really isn't. It's a very clear thing to tell - if he wanted to be with you you would know it. He might want you to be unsure so you can't move on so he can have a backup. Move on and don't wait for his "I want you back" email.
Author SugarHoney Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 I know I need to move on in theory but I struggle a lot in practice, especially when he's giving me vague confusing messages again. I think maybe he thinks he can do better than me and that hurts so much words can't describe since I love him so deeply still. I don't know what to do.
flitzanu Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 he doesnt want to be with you. if he did, he would say so. very clearly.
shayla Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I think this is more a matter of what you want or don't want. If you want to be twisted by a man who is playing games, by all means. Keep listening to that crap and keep hope alive. If you want a real relationship with a man that truly loves you, leave this behind and get yourself ready to meet a better man.
geegirl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I know I need to move on in theory but I struggle a lot in practice, especially when he's giving me vague confusing messages again. I think maybe he thinks he can do better than me and that hurts so much words can't describe since I love him so deeply still. I don't know what to do. You don't know what to do because you want to hold on. You're hoping the "vague and confusing messages" will mean something. Truth is, they mean nothing. It's just a way to keep you engaged. If a person wants to be with you, they don't send vague and confusing messages. Besides, why would you want someone who isn't even sure he wants to be with you. You should know that you deserve better. Translation of vague messages: Nah, I am not sure I want to be with you. I need some time to see if there is better out there for me but if you'd like to wait around for me to figure out whether I want you or not, that would just be so great for ME! Blech. You're no one's toy nor is your life trivial enough for you to sit around and wait for someone to want you or love you. That's pretty sad, when you really think about it.
M2155 Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I agree with everyone else, if he wanted to be clear, he would be clear. But I have a question, when someone sends "mixed messages" like that do you think they do it intentionally as if to say "I just want to keep you hanging on" or maybe just in their mind it doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure I'm guilty of sending a mixed message or two in my life but never have I thought "this will confuse them and make them think there is hope but I'm really moving on."
radiodarcy Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I agree with everyone else, if he wanted to be clear, he would be clear. But I have a question, when someone sends "mixed messages" like that do you think they do it intentionally as if to say "I just want to keep you hanging on" or maybe just in their mind it doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure I'm guilty of sending a mixed message or two in my life but never have I thought "this will confuse them and make them think there is hope but I'm really moving on." i've wondered about this myself as well. i think it has to do with the person's level of self-awareness. some people may be so removed from their feelings and why they do they things they do, that it's difficult for them to understand the impact their actions have on those around them. and it's been my experience that trying to explain the impact their behavior has on those around them is pointless.they'll either see the impact, feel guilty for all of about 30 seconds and then immediately go back to the same behavior or they'll simply deny that their behavior has any sort of motivation/impact on the other person and turn everything around on that person. however, i do think there are people out there who do string people along and know exactly why their doing it and sadly enough, have no compunction in doing so whatsoever. i've had friends openly admit to treating people like this. i guess the rationale is that if you have the upper hand, you can't get hurt. but the problem is you're protecting your feelings at someone else's expense and quite frankly i find that beyond reprehensible. and in fact, that makes them no different from the person who caused them the same pain they now feel justified in meting out to others. the bottom line is, it doesn't matter if the someone is aware of their behavior or not, all that matters is how it's affecting the person who is on the receiving end of that behavior. it's up to them how long they want to put up with it but the chances of the other person changing their ways is extremely slim.
flitzanu Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 know what's weird darcy, the one time, nay, twice, in my life i've broken up with someone for totally honest reasons of just not feeling it and not being into it they way they deserve, it still gets blown out of proportion and twisted around and crazy. i don't know that there's ever a good way to handle someone or a situation with a breakup. well, other than NC. after a year now, i've finally seen the usefulness (both ways) for NC. when i realized i didn't want to be with them, i told them sincerely that i wanted them to be with someone that wanted to be with them 100% bc i knew i didn't feel 100%. even that isn't always good enough. but yes back to the point, OP, when someone wants to be with you they flirt their ass off and make it clear. being vague means they don't want to be with you and are trying to make excuses to keep you around in case they want to convince you to sleep with them or until they are done sleeping with others, then come back to you.
radiodarcy Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 know what's weird darcy, the one time, nay, twice, in my life i've broken up with someone for totally honest reasons of just not feeling it and not being into it they way they deserve, it still gets blown out of proportion and twisted around and crazy. i don't know that there's ever a good way to handle someone or a situation with a breakup. well, other than NC. after a year now, i've finally seen the usefulness (both ways) for NC. when i realized i didn't want to be with them, i told them sincerely that i wanted them to be with someone that wanted to be with them 100% bc i knew i didn't feel 100%. even that isn't always good enough. yeah - - i was thinking about this awhile ago. i've never dumped someone but i can imagine there really is no way to do it gently. feelings are going to get hurt no matter how nicely you try to end things. my ex would probably agree with you. he told me pretty much the same thing -- that i deserved to have a relationship with someone who could give me what he couldn't give me. because he didn't think he would ever be ready to be in a relationship with anyone. i could have accepted that easily enough but then when he turned around a month later and told me he was ready for a relationship and that he was joining several dating websites to find it. oh and that he still wanted us to be friends needless to say, i didn't take that news too well and went NC soon after. i understand that he deserves a chance to be happy and find love too. but i really felt it was a duplicitous, nasty way to go about i. and it left me with the feeling that i wasn't good enough for him. but i guess rejection has that effect on people.
flitzanu Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Oh that makes perfect sense Darcy. I agree thats pretty crappy. I actually meant mine and stayed single a long time after those breakups. It's so messed up everyone claims this "I want to be single" nonsense when they just want to find new people.
radiodarcy Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 yeah - - i think people do that because it's their way of being "nice" but really, they're just trying to sugar-coat an uncomfortable situation. but let's face it, there is such a thing as killing people with kindness. but yeah -- i doubt you fall into the same category as my ex. as it sounds like you've done a lot of reflection in between relationships. whereas my ex simply jumps from one girl to the next, refuses to face his issues and is always convinced he can find something better. i'm pretty sure that even if he did find "the one" he still wouldn't be happy.
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