ConfusedT Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I ignored his CALL! He only called once, I'm not real sure why he did, nor should it really matter, (Because he is the most arrogant, selfish, disrespectful man I have ever encountered) but of course it does to me! even though he's ignored hundreds of my calls! lol But the point is, I stuck to my NC and didn't pick up, call back or text!!! and I feel so much better because of it. I know it's not a huge deal to others, but it's a MAJOR breakthrough for me. I feel stronger & it's sad that once again his actions led me to feeling strong, but I guess mine did as well for actually doing what is right & sticking by my personal beliefs. He may never call again (huge ego), but the fact that I was able to resist the urge when all I want to do is break down and tell him how i feel and cry and tell him how BAD he hurt me, should show everyone that no matter how weak you may feel, there is strength somewhere inside, just gotta find it and hold onto it! Good Luck everyone.
Dig0923 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Great job, I know the feeling when your ex (who left you) tries to get ahold of you and you basically are not there to feed into her/him. The feeling is great, keep it up and push through this!
geegirl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I'm proud of you Confused. You don't believe you are strong but it takes a lot of determination to resist, especially when your breakup is fresh. As I said before, you have to give yourself credit. A breakup is just as devastating as a death in your life. The process of healing is not an easy task. You maybe emotional about him but you're are starting to think rationally and that in itself is going to help you get to where you need be. You identify that he is arrogant, selfish and disrespectful. Remember that when you feel sad again because most likely you will hit a low again. The fantasy and idealizing will come and go and you will feel sad and low. But that is normal. Days when you feel that way, think with your brain and process who he really is. You will take him down from his pedestal in time. You mentioned in your last post about getting back your self-esteem. You just did so by refusing to give in to him. Putting yourself first and your well being is of utmost importance when dealing with toxic people. You're already doing it. Try to see a counsellor to help you get yourself back again. You said you were a strong person before so it's all trapped in there somewhere. You just got involved with an unhealthy person and somehow you lost yourself along the way. You will begin to find it again when you remove yourself from him and unhealthy situations and you start to reconnect with yourself and who you are. He defined you in the R. Now it's up to you to redefine yourself again. You know how to do this because you were a strong individual before and you can get there again. Start getting healthy. Get to the gym. Looking great on the outside makes you feel good on the inside. Get involved in activities and hobbies that you are passionate about. Start focusing developing your talents and all that make you who you are. Sign up for a volunteer program for a cause that you like. Helping others who are under privileged will give you perspective on life and it is definitely a way to meet people who are of a healthy mindset. Start reading some self-help books and grasping on literature that feeds your mind and soul in a positive manner. The key is to focus on you. This is a huge step today. Most people would have picked up. And if they did not, they'd be here asking a million questions as to what they should do, what did the dumper want, shoudl they call back, etc. But you're not concerned about that but just excited and proud of yourself for keeping to your boundaries and standing your ground. You're doing great. Come here and vent and post when you hit your lows. And if he calls again, let's make it the second time around you ignore his silliness! I ignored his CALL! He only called once, I'm not real sure why he did, nor should it really matter, (Because he is the most arrogant, selfish, disrespectful man I have ever encountered) but of course it does to me! even though he's ignored hundreds of my calls! lol But the point is, I stuck to my NC and didn't pick up, call back or text!!! and I feel so much better because of it. I know it's not a huge deal to others, but it's a MAJOR breakthrough for me. I feel stronger & it's sad that once again his actions led me to feeling strong, but I guess mine did as well for actually doing what is right & sticking by my personal beliefs. He may never call again (huge ego), but the fact that I was able to resist the urge when all I want to do is break down and tell him how i feel and cry and tell him how BAD he hurt me, should show everyone that no matter how weak you may feel, there is strength somewhere inside, just gotta find it and hold onto it! Good Luck everyone.
Author ConfusedT Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 I'm proud of you Confused. You don't believe you are strong but it takes a lot of determination to resist, especially when your breakup is fresh. As I said before, you have to give yourself credit. A breakup is just as devastating as a death in your life. The process of healing is not an easy task. You maybe emotional about him but you're are starting to think rationally and that in itself is going to help you get to where you need be. You identify that he is arrogant, selfish and disrespectful. Remember that when you feel sad again because most likely you will hit a low again. The fantasy and idealizing will come and go and you will feel sad and low. But that is normal. Days when you feel that way, think with your brain and process who he really is. You will take him down from his pedestal in time. You mentioned in your last post about getting back your self-esteem. You just did so by refusing to give in to him. Putting yourself first and your well being is of utmost importance when dealing with toxic people. You're already doing it. Try to see a counsellor to help you get yourself back again. You said you were a strong person before so it's all trapped in there somewhere. You just got involved with an unhealthy person and somehow you lost yourself along the way. You will begin to find it again when you remove yourself from him and unhealthy situations and you start to reconnect with yourself and who you are. He defined you in the R. Now it's up to you to redefine yourself again. You know how to do this because you were a strong individual before and you can get there again. Start getting healthy. Get to the gym. Looking great on the outside makes you feel good on the inside. Get involved in activities and hobbies that you are passionate about. Start focusing developing your talents and all that make you who you are. Sign up for a volunteer program for a cause that you like. Helping others who are under privileged will give you perspective on life and it is definitely a way to meet people who are of a healthy mindset. Start reading some self-help books and grasping on literature that feeds your mind and soul in a positive manner. The key is to focus on you. This is a huge step today. Most people would have picked up. And if they did not, they'd be here asking a million questions as to what they should do, what did the dumper want, shoudl they call back, etc. But you're not concerned about that but just excited and proud of yourself for keeping to your boundaries and standing your ground. You're doing great. Come here and vent and post when you hit your lows. And if he calls again, let's make it the second time around you ignore his silliness! geegirl, how'd you get so strong, confident and self-assured?? I would do anything to feel that! Healing is not easy & I do struggle. I am trying to give myself credit, but dang it is sooooo hard!!! I know how bad of a person he is, but this damn rose-colored glasses keep messing up my view. I am so afraid of the sad days again, they literally tear me apart inside wanting what i cant have and what i THOUGHT i always wanted is so hard.. That is where the biggest issue lies and I think in a lot of these situations on LS. We are putting ourselves secondary to the relationship and to the other person. I am sooooo guilty of that. & youre right, he was SO TOXIC to me and my entire world & i became consumed by him and everything was for him... & yes i truly lost myself I love how you said its time to redefine myself!!! i think so too! DIG- it feels so good. i feel like i hold the power, even if it is in my own mind! haha, i still feel it!
geegirl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Some days I feel as bad as I did when I was with him. Not because I miss him or wish for what was but because I allowed myself to be mistreated so badly by him. Some days I fight, some days I feel "strong like bull", and some days I am still insecure. It is a struggle to get up when you've been hit by a bus over and over again. The rose colored glasses will come off Confused. We want so badly to believe that they're not as bad as they seem or we think they are but the truth is they are, for us at least, if anything else. It will mess up your view and your heart will battle your head but if you stay the course, you'll wake up one day and go, yuck! I promise you but this will happen if you keep him out so that you can detach. When I first ended with my ex, and trust me, he did so much damage to me, I idealized him so much eventhough my friends were so repulsed by him. I could not see it. I was so blinded. Now I see everything about him and it digusts me. You will too. I never thought the day will come. And there were days I'd be so afraid of never ever speaking to him again because he was this great guy and I had lost him forever. Now, I see him for who he is and what's sad is that I could not see it then and allowed myself to be disillusioned by him. I feel mostly embarrased rather than sad, actually. It is normal to be afraid of the sad days. Those sad days can be debilitating but know that it comes in spurts and the good thing is that it will pass. It will definitely pass. The trick is to never give in when those feelings come. Just keep telling yourself, it will pass. Be still, feel them come, and like waves, they will retreat and you will feel good days again. In time, those sad days will be few and far between as your heart gets stronger and your mind starts to take over. I promise you this. "What I can't have"...you have to ask yourself -- do you really want him and all that he has to offer. Because what you see is what you get. No changing that. Think with you brain and not with your heart. I don't think so! "What you thought you always wanted"...yes, what you thought you always wanted was not what you wanted. No one wants a man who treats them so direspectfully and unlovingly. No one. Write a list of qualities and values you want in a man...I bet he checks zero on the list. When you feel those sad days coming, try to sit and rationalize. Journal your thoughts and think with your mind. Don't let your heart pull you down because it will if you feed into romanticizing him. You have to start learning how to control your mind and what you feed it. If you keep feeding it with him, those thoughts will grow like weeds. The moment you start thinking of him, literally snap yourself out of it and focus on something else. Pick up a book. Go for a walk and be distracted. Call a friend. Do something other than. You're doing great. Bad days will come but that is not a sign that you're failing. It's a sign that you're going through the process and hitting those stages to get where you need to be.
Lost on Jerseyshore Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Wow!!! That was great for you to do!! So proud for you!!
MAGGIE15 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Well done Confused. It is amazing what happens to us when we get 'our' power back. Well done for being so strong and not answering. You should be so so proud of yourself!!
Author ConfusedT Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 i dont know if i ever gave the background of me and my ex, but i have been close with his family for YEARS prior to me dating him... we were all really close so anyways... his MOM called me RANDOMLY and we had a crying session. there are other things that happened during this breakup (which i havent even put on here bc they are so bad =(...) and she just found out and called me to apologize for her son and that i didnt deserve what he did or said. she said that she wishes she could change things, that she doesn't know what happened, he wont talk to her or anyone and just other personal things. i didnt want to involve her, but i guess yesterday he told her a portion of what happened because him and his new girlfriend were screamin at each other and she wanted to know why. its heartbreaking to me and to her, because we were so close. as she was hanging up, she said she loved me and was so sorry. & tears... sigh... she asked me not to tell him that we talked and i asked her to do the same. i am not breaking NC, but she told me that him and his new girl are fighting every single day because of me... i am not sure why though! so cheers to day 1, ugh!!!
CopingGal Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 That is huge. I know if he called I would pick up the phone. I'm just not at the point yet where I can ignore a call of his. I did close my email account so that I wouldn't be waiting for his emails. I opened another one with a different email company. Anyway, congrads to you.
danceallday Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 ConfusedT - I am in the same boat. I am so close to my ex's Mother. I love her like a second Mom, a sister, an aunt, a friend. She broke her heart too when he lied and cheated on me. She was the one that said months earlier that she thought he treated me like s***. My ex began treating me crappy at the same time he treated his Mother crappy. He stopped communicating with her when he stopped communicating with me. You can tell a lot about a man when you see how he treats his Mother. Maybe your ex is have going through GIGS.
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