husband travels alot, cheated in past and maybe he saw her again?

[teacher1994]

hi, first time posting but i have been lurking for a week.

 

im american but married a man from somewhere else. we live in his country. been married 13 yrs and two kids. everyone thought i had the cinderells marriage, even me. about two yrs ago he came home said he wasnt a family man. had a mid life thingy...left home bought a pourch, traveled to different countries on vacation. never thinking he was cheating cuz he protraided himself to be a religious sort of fellow. we did have relations while seperated, after all i was wanting him home. i was all over him needy and begging and confused. then last year when i came back from USA visiting my family, he wanted to get back together. i knew he felt this way as we had been sort of talking of this. he stayed n the house while i was away. i had my doubts at the time and put a spywear on my PC to find out for sure. AND YES HE WAS CHEATING!!!! mind u we had a verbal agreement we wouldnt see anyone. he proposed this offer to me! and he was cheating.

 

seems he travels alot. in a high position for the government here. he met a polish lady and he would email her and visit her. she even came here a few times. he had other girls come n go but polish lady was the one that opened the fire when we were together. the forbiden apple! then last year while we were seperated he met a lady from germany at a convention n egypt. from the emails he was proposing to her witrhin two weeks! telling her he will marry her n she was his love and he will divorce me. she lived in germany and we lived here (very far away in another country, oceans apart) mostly it was emails and phone calls. i went to USA to visit my family he even let her visit here n stay n my HOUSE AND IN MY BED!!!!

she was making plans to move here n live here. he was telling her how her life will be easy with maids and nice cars. she felt she hit the jackpot! so overall, it was emails and phone calls and he saw her three times in one year. he was telling her he will marry her when he saw her at the convention the following year. then four weeks later i came home and just before i came home he called her to end it.

 

i can tell this is true cuz i have the emails where he tells her sorry he was wrong but he wants to work on his marriage. being the OW she was at a loss. she even tried to hurt herself and went to a shrink. she really loved him! long long emails begging him to not get back with me.......i even felt bad for her when i read them.

 

but when i came home i went to my PC and used the spywear to read the emails. i saw the whole relationship from his emails. i was crushed! i also saw while he was with her he was still with other women,,,,,,LOTS OF WOMEN!!! maybe around 6 or 7. in different countries he had to travel to for work. i confronted him and even her. i sent her mean emails about sleeping with him in my bed! i was hurt......

we went to counceling and in the end he said he had a mid life crisis and we focused on how i saw he tried to end it with her to work things out with me before i found out. three months after i saw the emails and almost two years after seperation we got back together.

in exchange he bought me a new house cus i couldnt let go she was in my other one.

 

that was one year ago. and it has been just so nice to have him home. we got to know the other more and i can say and i felt from him we grw in this past year with counceling.

******BUT THEN THE YEARLY CONVENTION CAME UP!******* the one he met her at. he had been with her two years in a row to this convention. he promised me he would not go. he even told his boss he couldnt go. but the Minister (very high person n my country) contacted him via email and insisted he go to this convention to represent this country and the minister would go as well. he showed me the email and he had no choice, no one tells the minister no. he swore he was going with people and he would not do anything to ruin our marriage. he said all the right things. but the day he left i was such a reck. he stood in my kitchen and swore he loved me and he was sorry for his past and i had to trust him. this convention is in diff. countries every yr. this yr it was n New york. so i said i would go visit my fam with the kids in USA and he would meet up with me n we would maybe bring kids to disney.

all went well..he met us we had lovely time. we held hands like kids. our kids were saying GET A ROOM! ha ha

then two weeks ago he left to go to work and i stayed at fam house. then i get email from OW.

she was in new york (he told me she didnt go to convention that he didnt see her) she had a picture of a group of peole from the convention touring new york and she was sitting next to my husband! they were not looking n the camera. so he didnt know it was taken. another one at dinner with more business peole and she was next to him again.

I FLIPPED OUT! called him and started yelling why did he lie about her not being there. in truth i did expect her to confront him if she was there. because how he ended it. he met her there last yr then dumpt her via emails n phone calls. i knew if she saw him she would confront him. i expected this. but he told me she wasnt there and even if she was there WHY WAS HE SITTING WITH HER AND LOOKING LIKE THEY WAS HANGING OUT????

i came hme from flight and went straight to the room and started packing his bags. yelling n screaming i wanted to see his emails. for the first time in my life i lost it and i started to HIT HIM! i attacked him. i am not this person and he has never hit me. NEVER! but i was not myself. i was a monster. he never saw me this way and he was scared.

he said he didnt want to tell me and us fuss at my parents house. i said i wanted to see the emails right then n there so he couldnt delete them. he showed me and it does seem he didnt know she was going. there wasnt any communication between them before convention. but at convention during the last night. she emails him asking where hes at. and if hes alone. and he said he was at pub n alone. she asked him if she can join him and he sent the address!

i went crazy again. want to know his explanation? lol

NOTHING HAPPENED HE SWEARS! then he took out the bible and swore on the bible (remember hes the religious man! ha ha)

he kept saying nothing happened it was nothing. he said hes been good to me. for me to see the effort he put into things like buying another house the vacations.

i told him clearly his idea of cheating was different then mine. i assume he thinks that sleeping with another is cheating but dinner n hanging out in a pub is ok! but i consider that cheating because i even asked him if he would allow this from me if the situation were reversed. he GOT MAD. i asked can i go to a pub with another man i had sex with n our bed? he got madder! so he knew what he did!

 

in the end its been a week i made him leave. he did text me to tell me his sorry and feel so bad. but it was all NOTHING:rolleyes: he came over about three days ago sitting on sofa with me n kids. then he asked if we can go upstairs (to play) aka...sex. i said NO! NO! NO! and if this why u came over u can leave and go back to your mommies house. i said to him, we havent had a talk about what has happened now that i am cooled off. u care to talk about this? he got up to leave and said in his MR VIP voice (like i fall to the floor like everyone else who knows him cuz of his position) DONT U THINK THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH? i said to him. if ur scared of what ppl say r u dont like being at ur moms ur welcome to sleep in the guest rooms out back. but not with me upstairs. and dont come here for sex. in fact dont come here until ur ready to talk about things. he left. the next day he came to get kids and didnt even get down. (ooops guess it was a booty call gone bad) then today he asked me if i wanted to join him at his mothers house for a dinner party. i said NO THANKS not while things r this way. call me when ready to talk. i knew he just wanted me by his side as the Good wife....ppl will see his wife not there and this bad for his POSITION!

i know i am sounding strong but im heart broken. we got married in university when we both had nothing. he made it up the ladder and it seems power and money had changed him to where he feels as long as im provided for n good house and cars and good school he considers hmself a good man. he keeps sending me text telling me i know hes been good to me! WTF??

he is avoiding the talk with me. i dont know what went on n new york at this convention. but i know he lied about her being there. and he knew my feelings about her. had he told me he saw her and she confronted him how things ended and he had to talk to her i would of been ok with this. but hanging out, dinner and pubs????? WTF???

i love him i do, i love my life, my family. i do work. but just teaching english. nothing compaired to how i am living. i love this country and dont want to go to USA. (love usa but i love it here and my kids love it here)

i never thought he would cheat again.....and to do it with her!!!! but remember nothing happened! (lol)

Oh and i did see another email to a lady n lebanon named zarah telling her it was so nice to get to meet her. and he hopes to see her again. it was his gmail account not his work email. and he tried to say it was business. ON HIs GMAIL?????? NOT! this was five months ago.

oh friends..........i know what u will all say. im still in anger mood. i do not want the feeling sorry for myself mood. im also scared. i wish he was willing to talk. but he justs want to go on with our life and pretend nothing happened! he honestly thinks the longewr time goes the eaiser it will be for me to forget this! like ANGER FADES WITH TIME he told me once.

sorry so long. thing is i cant tell ppl here this. i trust NO ONE so i unloaded on u all.

Edited August 24, 2011 by teacher1994

[mzdolphin]

Let me first say how sorry I am that you are in pain. No matter how stupid we feel or how forewarned we should have been, when you find out your spouse is cheating, it hurts.

 

I know your story too well, from three points of view. First as a wife, I found out my husband was cheating a lot. And not only did he not travel a lot, he was retired, at age 41. We were wealthy, he was home every night for dinner, during most of the day. Tucked my son in at night and was on the board of our religious organization. But he was out there having sex with all sorts of women.

 

I divorced him. My son was young and I had left my career so it was really scary. But I sleep much better.

 

Why do I think he'll cheat? Secondly I reunited with an old flame who claimed he was divorced. He had been living separately (in another state) from his wife for four years, but in was in no way divorced. I told his wife about the affair when I found out he was married. Two weeks later he was back in touch with me. We were at it again a year later until I ended it. He still contacts me via email declaring his love for me. He is a journalist who travels on assignment a lot, and I think this lends itself to cheating.

 

Third, I used to be a sports writer and you talk about guys cheating. But people are wrong that it's an athlete thing. It's a young, wealthy man who is never home thing. If your husband is never home, this gives him more opportunity to cheat without getting caught. And most guys, if they can get some on the side and not get caught, will do it. Those guys who won't. Just don't, they don't cheat.

 

So please stop beating yourself up. It's hard, but understand that he was going to and will continue to cheat no matter what. If you've decided you can look past the cheating, then do so and move on. If you can't, divorce and move on. But he's going to cheat.

[teacher1994]

thanks so much for your post. just to know u took time to write means something. i am still so mad at him. more so then when i found the emails the first time. when i found the emails i was crushed, and just wanted him home and didnt care to fix or resolve anything. just come home....lol

but after a year of therapy. after a new house and talking about the affairs and how he felt bad...TO KNOW HE WAS DOING IT STILL! I AM PISSED!!!:mad::mad: and to also think hes telling me dont let this other lady ruin us! and how it was nothing. he didnt do anything! he swears! hw has been good to me!

im not running to a divorce court this week. but i have no plans to take him back. i told him yesterday he needs therapy alone this time. i also told him he needs to remain at his moms and ill live here. i said to him DO WHAT EVER THE HELL U WANT! and ill do the same. (he cant stand the fact i would be with another, not even sit with a man!) i have no intentions of seeing men! LOL TRUST ME! im scorned right now.

 

but i will tell u what i will do.... i will continue to live in this house, in this country with our kids and he will pay for every dime! he is nothing but the landlord and banker now! i will save my income and when i have enough i will buy my own place n divorce him. (divorce laws here r not the same like USA, i dont get half. i do get some things. but not half.)

 

i do miss him, as i said he did love me i know. but he thinks somehow the marriage and what he does outside that i dont know about r two seperate parts of his life and as long as i dont know he is good. its like he put two boxes. his family in one and the women in the other and both boxes dont touch and r completly seperate.

i do need his support right now to stand strong on my feet n the future because the courts here will not give me much.(so i have to plan for future) but he can support me fully while living at his moms like he did when we were seperated last time.