Finch Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 grk's advice is good stuff. I would add make sure the financial divisions are set out from the beginning. Either agree on who pays which bills, or split everything down the middle. However you decide to divide the living costs, make sure it's clear, but also be flexible. Some costs are variable (like groceries), while others are set. If you feel like you're bearing too much of the financial burden, then say so and re-work the finances. The same goes for housework. About six months ago I got very stressed because I felt overwhelmed by how many chores I seemed to have taken on. It seems like a little thing, but for my boyfriend and I what alleviated that stress was deciding who would do which chores and sticking with that. I do laundry and grocery shopping, he does dishes. I vacuum, he takes out the garbage and recycling. For us the system works because we agreed on how often these things needed to be done for us each to be happy. It stops me from getting annoyed because I know that not all the chores are on my shoulders, and if, say, the dishes aren't done I don't feel I have to do them. Those are the more mundane things I can think of. Expect there to be some areas of conflict or tension, and deal with them when they arise. Do not sweep things under the rug, because close quarters often doesn't have room for much rug-sweeping. Do not put a t.v. in the bedroom. A routine will most likely start after a while, so make sure you shake it up once in a while, just to keep things interesting. But mostly, enjoy living together. Be loving towards each other. My boyfriend and I laugh a lot. We also sing a lot and are silly together. We have inside jokes that never would have developed had we not moved in together. And also - (semi-seriously) consider getting an x-box if you don't already have one. It's a fun way to do something together. There are lots of games you can play just the two of you or with friends. I like You Don't Know Jack, and Trivial Pursuit. Dance Central is also a lot of fun, or Rock Band. You don't have to consider yourself a 'gamer' to enjoy those ones. We don't play often, but it's a great thing to have when there's a night when you want something to do, but t.v. doesn't cut it, yet you don't feel like going out. (The system also functions as a DVD player, and you can use it to connect to Netflix.)
Pierre Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I don't know. My uncle has been living with his girlfriend for over 20 years now. She didn't want to get married because she'd lose her survivor's benefits that she got from her late husband. Granted that's just one data point not an entire trend, but I definitely think that success or failure very much depends on the individuals involved, not statistics. In bold: That is the level of dedication and commitment. And I agree, you can have it without marriage, however the commitment seems more prevalent in those that desire marriage.
Pierre Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I'm sure you're correct about this. Where I disagree with you, though, is when you say that cohabitation without intention to marry is "foolish." Whether you think it's wrong or right, "serial monogamy" is something that seems to work for a lot of people. If they really want to share their lives with someone but are not in the place, for whatever reason, to make a lifelong commitment to that person - my personal belief is that it's NOT wrong to do so. (Caveat - if there are children involved, generally speaking, I feel differently.) I am glad you agree on the issue of commitment. The statement in bold implies a lack of commitment. It seems to me that lack of commitment implies that the cohabitation will fail as soon as there is an obstacle. I would feel weird if my GF tells me she is not sure she is committed to our relationship. What kind of love is that? Or maybe--------------that is no love.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer I'm sure you're correct about this. Where I disagree with you, though, is when you say that cohabitation without intention to marry is "foolish." Whether you think it's wrong or right, "serial monogamy" is something that seems to work for a lot of people. If they really want to share their lives with someone but are not in the place, for whatever reason, to make a lifelong commitment to that person - my personal belief is that it's NOT wrong to do so. (Caveat - if there are children involved, generally speaking, I feel differently.) I am glad you agree on the issue of commitment. The statement in bold implies a lack of commitment. It seems to me that lack of commitment implies that the cohabitation will fail as soon as there is an obstacle. I would feel weird if my GF tells me she is not sure she is committed to our relationship. What kind of love is that? Or maybe--------------that is no love. Well ... I guess the point that I want to make is that I believe that there is a middle ground possible between living alone, and promising to stay together until death do you part. And, I believe that it would well serve some people to be aware that such an arrangement might be suitable for them. Perhaps the divorce rate would decrease, if people felt okay about "shacking up" instead of pledging their troth forever and ever. Speaking for myself, I have had it both ways. I lived with boyfriends because I loved them and wanted to share my daily life with them ... but I was not looking far into the future regarding the relationships. My now fiance moved in with me without talk of marriage or an eternal commitment, and both of us were just fine with that. Now, though, we are going to get married ...
Pierre Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Mme Chaucer I completely agree with your post regarding those that are in an intermediate position. There are people that are fiercely independent and could never fuse themselves into a relationship 100%. However, they are willing to cohabotate with the expectation that it may end at any time. And therefore the above explains why cohabitation fails much more often than marriage. Sometimes folks that cohabitate decide to get married. Studies have shown that the rate of divorce is even higher in those that live together before marriage. One would think that living together is a good test before marriage, but that is not the case. Those that get married after living together divorce more often than those that get married without prior cohabitation. Do you know why?
zengirl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 And therefore the above explains why cohabitation fails much more often than marriage. Sometimes folks that cohabitate decide to get married. Studies have shown that the rate of divorce is even higher in those that live together before marriage. One would think that living together is a good test before marriage, but that is not the case. Those that get married after living together divorce more often than those that get married without prior cohabitation. Do you know why? I believe those studies show that it doesn't affect marriage rates at all today. (In fact most of the people I know who got married in my generation --- actually, I think all but one couple of my friends who are married --- lived together prior to being married. It's just a different progression these days. Whether those marriages will last, I don't know, but living together wasn't a "test" perse. . . it just sort of progressed and they always knew they were heading towards marriage.) I think old studies demonstrated that those who cohabitated first had higher rates of divorce, but new studies have since been done and they show no effect. Likely, it was because of social mores at the time and the folks who chose to cohabitate at the time being different from those who choose it today. I don't have the studies at my fingertips, but pretty sure that's a dated concept that you're referencing.
Pierre Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I believe those studies show that it doesn't affect marriage rates at all today. (In fact most of the people I know who got married in my generation --- actually, I think all but one couple of my friends who are married --- lived together prior to being married. It's just a different progression these days. Whether those marriages will last, I don't know, but living together wasn't a "test" perse. . . it just sort of progressed and they always knew they were heading towards marriage.) I think old studies demonstrated that those who cohabitated first had higher rates of divorce, but new studies have since been done and they show no effect. Likely, it was because of social mores at the time and the folks who chose to cohabitate at the time being different from those who choose it today. I don't have the studies at my fingertips, but pretty sure that's a dated concept that you're referencing. You are quite correct. The higher rate of divorce among couples that lived together before marriage was greater 20 years ago. Nowadays if a couple lives together but with a plan to get married the rate of divorce is not higher. Cohabitation before marriage has no influence on the rate of divorce. The most important factor is commitment. In Europe living together without marriage has a very good success rate because many that choose to live together have the same level of commitment as those that choose marriage.
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