Lessons learned on moving in together

[vsmini]

Hey!

The guy and I have moved in together and we're happy as clams currently. Looking for advice and shared stories on living together with your SO. Lessons you learned, battles you fought but in retrospect realize you should have let go of or maybe should have fought harder -- care to share?

 

Wondering what happened when an argument broke out and how you handled it being in such close quarters - did you retreat to your own area of the house or take a walk to blow off steam?

 

Just curious. Many Thanks.

[grkBoy]

What I do:

 

1. Never stop dating. Too many couples who move in together will suddenly turn the nights out into nights in, and suddenly one side is feeling unloved because the other would rather fall asleep on the couch over spending quality time together. Always try to maintain the same fun stuff you two did when you both were not living together.
   
2. Throw away the idea of being a "you and I" and be "us". The biggest thing that destroys most couples living together is when the two sides seemingly still act like two individuals as opposed to a couple. Face the good and the bad together, not separately. If you feel like you don't get to be yourself anymore, then don't do it...or learn to accept that old life is over and embrace the new life.
   
3. Respect each other's space. This goes with #2. Maybe the boyfriend likes to work out several nights a week, or the girl loves her weekly vampire drama show. Rather than get into battles claiming the two don't spend enough time together, spend time apart. Let him go to the gym, or out with the guys, or even leave him in the other room playing a video game. Let her go out with the girls, take up a hobby, work out, or watch her favorite show. Time apart strengthens the bonds of togetherness when you two are together. Stop thinking every moment must be as a couple.
   
4. Pick your battles. When my fiance and I moved in together, she had a very European thinking in that she wanted people to wear slippers in the house...no shoes. She even wanted me to do the same. I simply let it be and wore the slippers partially because she's the one voluntarily cleaning the floors but also it's not a big deal to me. If you think every "battle" is suddenly a threat to your personal self, then get a grip or don't move in.
   
5. Learn to compromise. Let's say she's a total neat freak/cleanliness nut/Martha Stewart type...and he's more laid back. She shouldn't get steamed because he won't immediately wash the dishes when used, but he should also accept that leaving the dishes on the coffee table for two days won't fly. Both sides need to come halfway on things. If you two believe this is a struggle for power, then don't move in.
   
6. See each other at your worst. I knew a couple who moved in together, but things fell apart because the guy was thinking unrealistically. He usually saw his GF in heels, miniskirts, makeup, dolled up, etc...but couldn't handle it when she was lounging at home with no makeup, hair tied back, and she was in PJs or sweats. He also was a porn addict and thus only saw women looking "slutty" as "hot". Both should see the real people they're moving in with, not the dolled up versions. If you can't accept your SO at their worst, then you should not be in this.
   

[Pierre]

What I do:

 

1. Never stop dating. Too many couples who move in together will suddenly turn the nights out into nights in, and suddenly one side is feeling unloved because the other would rather fall asleep on the couch over spending quality time together. Always try to maintain the same fun stuff you two did when you both were not living together.
   
2. Throw away the idea of being a "you and I" and be "us". The biggest thing that destroys most couples living together is when the two sides seemingly still act like two individuals as opposed to a couple. Face the good and the bad together, not separately. If you feel like you don't get to be yourself anymore, then don't do it...or learn to accept that old life is over and embrace the new life.
   
3. Respect each other's space. This goes with #2. Maybe the boyfriend likes to work out several nights a week, or the girl loves her weekly vampire drama show. Rather than get into battles claiming the two don't spend enough time together, spend time apart. Let him go to the gym, or out with the guys, or even leave him in the other room playing a video game. Let her go out with the girls, take up a hobby, work out, or watch her favorite show. Time apart strengthens the bonds of togetherness when you two are together. Stop thinking every moment must be as a couple.
   
4. Pick your battles. When my fiance and I moved in together, she had a very European thinking in that she wanted people to wear slippers in the house...no shoes. She even wanted me to do the same. I simply let it be and wore the slippers partially because she's the one voluntarily cleaning the floors but also it's not a big deal to me. If you think every "battle" is suddenly a threat to your personal self, then get a grip or don't move in.
   
5. Learn to compromise. Let's say she's a total neat freak/cleanliness nut/Martha Stewart type...and he's more laid back. She shouldn't get steamed because he won't immediately wash the dishes when used, but he should also accept that leaving the dishes on the coffee table for two days won't fly. Both sides need to come halfway on things. If you two believe this is a struggle for power, then don't move in.
   
6. See each other at your worst. I knew a couple who moved in together, but things fell apart because the guy was thinking unrealistically. He usually saw his GF in heels, miniskirts, makeup, dolled up, etc...but couldn't handle it when she was lounging at home with no makeup, hair tied back, and she was in PJs or sweats. He also was a porn addict and thus only saw women looking "slutty" as "hot". Both should see the real people they're moving in with, not the dolled up versions. If you can't accept your SO at their worst, then you should not be in this.
   

 

:eek:Sounds just like marriage without the paper.:eek:

[grkBoy]

:eek:Sounds just like marriage without the paper.:eek:

 

In many ways, it is. My lifestyle with my fiance hasn't really changed from before I proposed. Many now even choose cohabitation over marriage because of how similar things are.

 

Regardless, unless you two are in separate bedrooms, you treat it like a marriage.

[Queen Zenobia]

What I do:

 

1. Never stop dating. Too many couples who move in together will suddenly turn the nights out into nights in, and suddenly one side is feeling unloved because the other would rather fall asleep on the couch over spending quality time together. Always try to maintain the same fun stuff you two did when you both were not living together.
   
2. Throw away the idea of being a "you and I" and be "us". The biggest thing that destroys most couples living together is when the two sides seemingly still act like two individuals as opposed to a couple. Face the good and the bad together, not separately. If you feel like you don't get to be yourself anymore, then don't do it...or learn to accept that old life is over and embrace the new life.
   
3. Respect each other's space. This goes with #2. Maybe the boyfriend likes to work out several nights a week, or the girl loves her weekly vampire drama show. Rather than get into battles claiming the two don't spend enough time together, spend time apart. Let him go to the gym, or out with the guys, or even leave him in the other room playing a video game. Let her go out with the girls, take up a hobby, work out, or watch her favorite show. Time apart strengthens the bonds of togetherness when you two are together. Stop thinking every moment must be as a couple.
   
4. Pick your battles. When my fiance and I moved in together, she had a very European thinking in that she wanted people to wear slippers in the house...no shoes. She even wanted me to do the same. I simply let it be and wore the slippers partially because she's the one voluntarily cleaning the floors but also it's not a big deal to me. If you think every "battle" is suddenly a threat to your personal self, then get a grip or don't move in.
   
5. Learn to compromise. Let's say she's a total neat freak/cleanliness nut/Martha Stewart type...and he's more laid back. She shouldn't get steamed because he won't immediately wash the dishes when used, but he should also accept that leaving the dishes on the coffee table for two days won't fly. Both sides need to come halfway on things. If you two believe this is a struggle for power, then don't move in.
   
6. See each other at your worst. I knew a couple who moved in together, but things fell apart because the guy was thinking unrealistically. He usually saw his GF in heels, miniskirts, makeup, dolled up, etc...but couldn't handle it when she was lounging at home with no makeup, hair tied back, and she was in PJs or sweats. He also was a porn addict and thus only saw women looking "slutty" as "hot". Both should see the real people they're moving in with, not the dolled up versions. If you can't accept your SO at their worst, then you should not be in this.
   

 

100% accurate here. The only additional thing I had to deal with is that my parents had a mini conniption fit when I informed them that I was moving in with my fiance (then boyfriend). Being Arab and (somewhat) conservative, they very much did not approve. So I had to diffuse that situation. But, everything's great now, and they're over it, at least I assume so.

[vsmini]

Thanks. Excellent advice. I've also heard and seen in other couples that have lived together that it's best to have your thoughts and ideas about future things out on the table for your SO to know about. Marriage, kids, travel, really anything big that could come up and you're bound to face in your future together.

 

I was shocked to see how many people moved in together without having had these serious discussions first.

 

Oh and another big one (adding advice to my own thread - ) Don't move in together if your #1 reason for doing so is for financial reasons. Getting your rent cut in half is nice but I can't imagine it being nice enough to carry your through a live-in relationship.

[Pierre]

In many ways, it is. My lifestyle with my fiance hasn't really changed from before I proposed. Many now even choose cohabitation over marriage because of how similar things are.

 

Regardless, unless you two are in separate bedrooms, you treat it like a marriage.

 

 

There is one huge difference.

 

Without marriage papers you can walk away any time you want.

 

I think marriage implies a greater degree of commitment to the relationship.

[Pierre]

100% accurate here. The only additional thing I had to deal with is that my parents had a mini conniption fit when I informed them that I was moving in with my fiance (then boyfriend). Being Arab and (somewhat) conservative, they very much did not approve. So I had to diffuse that situation. But, everything's great now, and they're over it, at least I assume so.

 

 

Why don't you get married?:love:

[Queen Zenobia]

 

Oh and another big one (adding advice to my own thread - ) Don't move in together if your #1 reason for doing so is for financial reasons. Getting your rent cut in half is nice but I can't imagine it being nice enough to carry your through a live-in relationship.

 

Actually that was pretty high on the list of reasons to move in with my fiance, although not for the rent (he didn't have one anymore, long story) so much as the commute times and gas money.

 

But it certainly wasn't the only reason, nor was it the biggest reason. We had been talking about it for a few months before we actually went through with it.

[Queen Zenobia]

Why don't you get married?:love:

 

March 2012. You want an invite?

[vsmini]

There is one huge difference.

 

Without marriage papers you can walk away any time you want.

 

I think marriage implies a greater degree of commitment to the relationship.

 

How complicated is the divorce process that you couldn't just walk away from a marriage if you wanted to? People do it every day and make it look easy enough.

[sm1tten]

I feel like that's false. In a marriage you cannot legally walk away and be free, but it doesn't stop people from mentally and physically leaving a relationship at any time. And sine we don't actually have to combine finances or even friends in a marriage, I really see nothing stopping either party from walking away and not even bothering with a divorce. I actually think relying on marriage to secure you a greater or stronger commitment is naive.

[Pierre]

March 2012. You want an invite?

I am happy for you.

 

Moving inn together without a long term plan like marriage is foolish. Good for you on your wedding.

 

Moving in together to save money or to test the partner is not a good idea.

[Queen Zenobia]

I am happy for you.

 

Moving inn together without a long term plan like marriage is foolish. Good for you on your wedding.

 

Moving in together to save money or to test the partner is not a good idea.

 

Thanks

 

Well, for me personally the risks were extremely low. The worst that would have happened is that I would have moved back with my parents (who live just about 40 minutes away) for a bit until I found another place to live. But I pretty much knew that wasn't going to happen.

 

The only reason my fiance waited so long to propose is that he wanted me to finish grad school first. It turned out he just couldn't wait.

[strawberryshortstack]

There is one huge difference.

 

Without marriage papers you can walk away any time you want.

 

I think marriage implies a greater degree of commitment to the relationship.

 

People walk away from marriages all the time.

[Pierre]

How complicated is the divorce process that you couldn't just walk away from a marriage if you wanted to? People do it every day and make it look easy enough.

 

With marriage you have a written contract. So you have to be more certain and committed.

 

Commitment to the relationship is very important when things go sour. And all relationships hit a low point sooner or later.

 

The level of commitment is very important before living together.

[Pierre]

I feel like that's false. In a marriage you cannot legally walk away and be free, but it doesn't stop people from mentally and physically leaving a relationship at any time. And sine we don't actually have to combine finances or even friends in a marriage, I really see nothing stopping either party from walking away and not even bothering with a divorce. I actually think relying on marriage to secure you a greater or stronger commitment is naive.

 

Cohabitation is identical in married and non married couples. The couple behaves in the same manner whether they are married or not.

 

The only difference is that those that get married have a greater level of commitment and this is helpful when the relationship hits a low.

[Pierre]

People walk away from marriages all the time.

 

Brilliant observation, ha, ha.

 

Yeah, 50% fail.

 

However, chabitation without papers has a higher rate of failure.

[fortyninethousand322]

Brilliant observation, ha, ha.

 

Yeah, 50% fail.

 

However, chabitation without papers has a higher rate of failure.

 

I think they've found that that number is misleading. If you look at people from higher socio-economic levels, and those who have college educations the number is actually quite lower than 50%. I believe I read that in a Time Magazine article. I could be wrong though, so don't take my word for it...

[Pierre]

I think they've found that that number is misleading. If you look at people from higher socio-economic levels, and those who have college educations the number is actually quite lower than 50%. I believe I read that in a Time Magazine article. I could be wrong though, so don't take my word for it...

 

You are correct:

 

I found this interesting article, but I think more references are needed:

 

Divorce rates vary according to many factors.

 

First, divorce rates vary by race. In the U.S., divorce rates are highest for whites, a bit lower for blacks, and fairly low for Hispanics. Asians have the lowest rates.

 

Second, religion comes into play. Jews have the lowest divorce rates. Catholics are second, and Protestants have the highest.

 

Next, there is socioeconomic background. Those from low socioeconomic status have the highest divorce rates. Contrary to popular belief, people with high socioeconomic standing have much lower rates of divorce.

 

Then there is the factor of second marriages. As a general rule, second marriages are not as stable as first marriages. Moreover, it is less likely for a black woman to get remarried than it is for a white woman. Add to that the factor of age. The longer the length of the first marriage, the less likely it is for a woman to remarry, and this is especially true for black women.

 

At one time, there were also regional differences within the United States becaue of divorce laws. In 1970, California was the first state to adopt the "no-fault" divorce law. This made it relatively easy to get divorced in California. Gradually, most -- but not all -- other states followed California's example.

 

Age is also a factor. The younger people are when the get married, the more likely they are to get divorced, on average. Part of this variable probably includes education. People who finish high school before marrying are less likely to get divorced than those who drop out and get married. The lowest divorce rate is found among couples where the husband has five years of college and the wife has completed four years. Then, an interesting thing happens. If a woman has six or more years of college, her divorce rate is almost as high as a high-school drop-out. In this case, the problem is generally a two-career marriage. Women who have six years of college are generally employed in a profession (architect, lawyer, physician, college professor, etc.). So, in many cases, her profession may take precedence over her marriage if the two come into conflict.

 

Without more specific information from you, that's about the best that I can do for now. Hope it helps.

.

.

Source(s):

All statistics are based on reports from the U.S. Bureau of the Census

 

[grkBoy]

There is one huge difference.

 

Without marriage papers you can walk away any time you want.

 

I think marriage implies a greater degree of commitment to the relationship.

 

 

I agree. I think though if both sides want to cut it off easily, divorce can be almost as easy as a breakup.

 

It's only when one side won't let go or wants to hurt the other side...that's when divorce becomes messy.

[zengirl]

Hey!

The guy and I have moved in together and we're happy as clams currently. Looking for advice and shared stories on living together with your SO. Lessons you learned, battles you fought but in retrospect realize you should have let go of or maybe should have fought harder -- care to share?

 

Wondering what happened when an argument broke out and how you handled it being in such close quarters - did you retreat to your own area of the house or take a walk to blow off steam?

 

Just curious. Many Thanks.

 

I agree with those who say moving in before having a plan as to what you want as your together-future is a bad idea (I've done that, and it didn't work out, because he wanted to get married and I wasn't ready/wanted to travel at the time, and the moving out part? Sucks.).

 

As far as the actually living together, the list grkBoy gave is really good and comprehensive. I'd also add "No Calculation!" which is a good rule for marriage or any serious relationship. Don't start trying to add up what **** you do, what **** he does, and calculate how the partnership is going. Somehow that seems a natural human response to things, but it always works out badly.

 

I think they've found that that number is misleading. If you look at people from higher socio-economic levels, and those who have college educations the number is actually quite lower than 50%. I believe I read that in a Time Magazine article. I could be wrong though, so don't take my word for it...

 

Yeah, marriage rates if you're college educated and wait until you're at least 25 to get married (and get married before having children) are extremely good --- even one of those factors makes the rate pretty good, but all 3 bring you up really high. Making above 40K a year combined, which is a given if even ONE person is college-educated, let alone both partners, raises you up higher, as does coming from an intact home (I don't count myself as coming from one, though I have most of the psychological and socio-economic benefits of coming from one, so that last one doesn't help me, personally). There are lots of other factors too, and there's a big report out about it from 2010. I did the math on myself, and if my BF and I were to decide to get married tomorrow, purely by the stats (it'd be a bad idea because it's WAY too soon!), we'd have like a 10% chance of divorce. Which is nothing, really.

[Pierre]

What is really important is the commitment.

 

Cohabitation is cohabitation whether there is marriage or not.

 

The success of a relationship with cohabitation (whether married or not) is related to the level of commitment.

 

It is entirely possible for a couple to get married and have little commitment. It is also possible to never get married and have a lot of commitment.

 

The marriage papers do not make the relationship stronger. The relationship is strong because of the level of commitment.

 

Here is the deal:

 

In most cases those that seek marriage tend a have a higher level of commitment.

 

The success rate of couples that live together is only 10%. In other words 90% are no longer together five years later. That is a much lower number than the reported 50% rate of failure for marriage.

[fortyninethousand322]

What is really important is the commitment.

 

Cohabitation is cohabitation whether there is marriage or not.

 

The success of a relationship with cohabitation (whether married or not) is related to the level of commitment.

 

It is entirely possible for a couple to get married and have little commitment. It is also possible to never get married and have a lot of commitment.

 

The marriage papers do not make the relationship stronger. The relationship is strong because of the level of commitment.

 

Here is the deal:

 

In most cases those that seek marriage tend a have a higher level of commitment.

 

The success rate of couples that live together is only 10%. In other words 90% are no longer together five years later. That is a much lower number than the reported 50% rate of failure for marriage.

 

I don't know. My uncle has been living with his girlfriend for over 20 years now. She didn't want to get married because she'd lose her survivor's benefits that she got from her late husband. Granted that's just one data point not an entire trend, but I definitely think that success or failure very much depends on the individuals involved, not statistics.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

In most cases those that seek marriage tend a have a higher level of commitment.

 

 

 

I'm sure you're correct about this. Where I disagree with you, though, is when you say that cohabitation without intention to marry is "foolish."

 

Whether you think it's wrong or right, "serial monogamy" is something that seems to work for a lot of people. If they really want to share their lives with someone but are not in the place, for whatever reason, to make a lifelong commitment to that person - my personal belief is that it's NOT wrong to do so. (Caveat - if there are children involved, generally speaking, I feel differently.)